Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.” She previously wrote, “Lessons from Jurassic Park: Sociopaths simply are.”
When I first realized that my marriage was over, I was literally overwhelmed with the ensuing emotions that followed my initial discovery. After the exspath left and I had an opportunity to do some in-depth financial research, the emotions centered around fear and despair. Fear with regard to my immediate and foreseeable future, and despair with regard to the gravity of the obvious marriage-for-money-only.
I’ve been grappling with fear and despair for a good while, now. Sometimes, I have fits of one (or, both) that seem almost paralyzing – I don’t want to speak to people, I don’t want to hear from people, and I don’t want to leave the room that I’m staying in. I can’t make other people “get it” about the severity of my situation, and I’ve stopped trying. I don’t even want to hear a vague reference to the exspath or what a rat-turd he is. What I want is for the fear and despair to evaporate and leave me clean, fresh, new, and redeemed. Well, that’s just not going to happen. So, how can I get through these fits?
Lately, I’ve the fits have been getting shorter in duration and intensity. Yippee. But, what I’m finding in their wake is this hollow feeling of just being absent. I’m feeling as hollow as an empty soup can, and I’m having a hard time filling that void up with something positive. The soup was tainted, and some remnants are still sticking to the sides of that can. But, what’s left is this toxic void.
Painting again
Last week, I picked up a paintbrush and put pigment on a canvas for the first time in a long, long time. I began painting something dark and menacing – a particular scene from a well-known fantasy novel that had always been in my imagination. This was a departure from my typical subject matter, and I finished a sketch that I was satisfied with. I’ll be starting on a better version of the initial sketch and put all of my fears and disquiet onto the canvas.
What I’ve discovered is that I had found a tiny bit of my soul that the exspath had cut away and left lying around. I picked that wee bit of myself up, and stuffed it back where it came from. Yeah, it had a lot of dirt and grime on it, and it’s quite misshapen from having been trampled upon, but it’s still mine and I took it back rather than stepping over it or sweeping it up and tossing it out.
And, the relevance of this find to my issues of fear, despair, and hollow soup can? In spite of my fits of fear and despair, I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. I’m still a flipping viable human being with something important to do. I don’t know what that “something” might be, but I have “A Reason” for being here, and that fact diminishes the power of the both fear and despair. I’m not as hollow as I think I am and a good, cleansing rainstorm can fill that empty soup can up in minutes. I don’t have to feel this way and no matter what happens, I’m going to be okay.
Power of “Doing Something”
I am changed, to be sure. I no longer trust, easily. I don’t tolerate bullshit well, anymore. I make tough decisions that aren’t always warm and fuzzy. And, I am okay with all of this, I think.
No matter what stage of recovery I’m in, I want to convey the incredible power of “Doing Something,” even if it’s just an attempt to seize back some part of my soul that was taken and damaged. There is true power in this and there is self-validation in this. And, whenever I begin to feel fear about the exspath and what he might say/do in Court, I picture him standing in front of the Judge, naked, and covered in mayonnaise. If I can laugh, I’m alive and I am moving away from the carnage.
No, none of us will ever be “the same” person we were before our experiences with a sociopath. But, I intend to snatch every little piece of my soul that I find laying around, no matter what condition it’s in. And, I’m going to fill up my soup can with ME. My experiences were just that: dreadful experiences. I’m a survivor, now. I’m recovering, now. I am not a victim, nor will I behave like one. My whining will be confined to venues where I can do it, quickly, and get it out of my system. The Truths of my experiences are reserved for those who “get it.”
Everything, from this point onward, is pure gravy.
Do you know what happens upon blocking? Does he know he’s blocked? I’m a bit concerned that if he knows I blocked him he will escalate. Also wondering if I should keep texts in case I decide to file restraining order?
Just in case it isn’t obvious, he really scares me.
Karma, when a number is blocked, the caller will hear, “The number you have dialed is unavailable.”
Check out the link that I posted. If you believe, for ANY reason, that he may begin a campaign of stalking, visit the Post Office, first. Then, when you have calmed down, gather together ALL emails (print them out), record previous texts and see if you can save them to your SD Card in your phone, find every piece of physical documentation that you can, and begin a running log.
Yes, I understand that you’re fearful of him. Is there any “legal” reason for this? Previous domestic violence reports, etc.? I don’t want you to interpret that question as an attempt to minimize your situation – it’s for reference, ONLY. If there have been ANY incidents that were documented by Law Enforcement, it will be useful.
I don’t know what State you live in, and it’s not necessary to post it on this site. But, it might be a good idea to contact your local domestic violence hotline and ask them what the procedures are to obtain a restraining order, or order of protection.
Just remain in the “here-and-now,” Karma. If you can, avoid predicting where this is going, why he’s contacting you, etc., etc., etc. SEE everything around you and name it, out loud. “I see a chair at the table. I see my coffee mug and spoon. I smell the grass outside. I can hear the hum of the refrigerator.” Stay in the “NOW.” Even if you have to do this several times, today.
Hugs, and hugs
Ok, and he’d get the same sort of message when he sends a text?
He has been violent with me in the past.
I’ve already deleted all emails, thrown away all letters, etc.
I have to think he won’t jeopardize his career, he’s a well known doc and he’s had plenty of other girlfriends, no reason to think he’d come after me. But he did keep asking me if I had a gun when we were in the ‘friends’ period of our relationship.
Thanks for the support and information. I will make some calls.
Karma:
Front what I have read and heard, if you block his number and he sends a text, he won’t know he’s blocked. I heard that on his end, it just looks like the text is going through, but it’s not…it never reaches your phone. He will then think you are totally ignoring him. If he tries to call you, I think he does get some kind of recorded message saying the number is not available or whatever.
ash:
Sent to Coventry…that is what the Bristish Bastard I know has done to me…
Thanks Louise. I did ask the rep who helped me if he would get a message and she said he would get something like ‘person you are trying to reach is unavailable’.
It does make me nervous that he will know I’ve blocked him but I think it was the right thing to do.
Karma:
Yeah, but I think that’s only for phone calls. I don’t think they receive any message if they text…
I am sorry you are feeling so bad. It’s horrible to be so worked up.
Thanks. I did specifically ask if the text messages got the same response, but I don’t have complete faith in the person I was working with. She said they did, but I think I am going to do more checking.
The thing is, this P is extremely persistent. I believe he was cyberstalking me and the fact that I enrolled in Lifelock and changed all passwords has flushed him out to actually contacting me. If he knows I’ve now taken another step to block him, who knows if he will up the stakes to the next level.
I’m trying not to let it get to me, and I will stay NC no matter what. My dad is livid and wants to contact him, but I told my dad under NO circumstances can he do that.
I once asked the P if he kept on friendly terms with ex girlfriends and he said, ‘they all just disappeared’. Okay, so that is likely a harmless statement, but it keeps running through my head.
Anyway, thanks for your help.
Karma:
He could possibly get a message that bounces back to him if he texts; maybe some type of error message. I could be wrong. I just always heard it doesn’t happen.
Is he with someone new now? Sorry, I don’t recall your story. You said he was violent with you??? Yep, sometimes blocking can make them even more mad unfortunately.
When he said “they all just disappeared” I took that as they all went NC. Because of his abusiveness or his spathiness or whatever, they probably all had to go NC with him just as you are.
Take care, OK?