Coping with "withdrawal", grief and betrayal

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Donna Andersen 1 year ago.

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  • #44585


    It has been 2 months since the Grey Rock and 3 weeks since complete NC has started. For the past 10 days I am having bad “withdrawal” symptoms (it is as if I’ve given up a substance, not ended a relationship!). I find myself missing SP’s company and memories of good things he did for me (e.g. cooking, taking me out to dinner or cuddling on a couch) keep flooding back.

    It makes me feel either intense grief for the illusion that I lost (and I have to look at the PI reports showing him with his wife he kept secret for 4 years with me to remind myself that the relationship was an illusion and not real) or I feel equally as intense anger and am tempted to email/text him with the reason I broke up with him – that I became aware of the lies and I know who he really is (intellectually I know it would not be a smart move, so I am just writing letters to myself, as if I was writing to him).

    I feel betrayed and guttered – a man was about to commit bigamy, got engaged to me whilst having another family in a different city. Re-reading our early emails really helped to remind me of his lies – he kept saying that he was divorced and not living in anyone and not even had a serious relationship since his divorce (i.e. 12 years). Which of course made me feel special at the time.

    By now I moved house/suburb (so he does not know my address) and have some supportive friends around me. So I feel safe (he lives in another city, 2 hours by plane anyhow).

    But I would like to know how long this phase is likely to last? And should I try and suppress thinking about him, limit how much I am doing it (I tend to do it late at night and when my son is at his father’s)? I have not seen him for 6 weeks now (and do miss the physical side). After the initial numbness I am now really feeling the pain and am concerned by my “cravings”.

  • #44587


    look at the blog ‘Getting the spath out of your head’. It takes work and time.

    • #44588


      thirdtimelucky…I’ve been following your story and personally understand how difficult it is to get the narc out of our system. Thankfully, we are all in this “together” when we are members of Lovefraud. It’s very supportive to keep reading these posts to remind ourselves that we can heal and move forward with our lives. We can be happy and free from narcissistic abuse by staying No Contact, no matter what. One thing that has helped me, and might help you, is to Google “Pathological Loneliness”, which if I understand it correctly, it’s really the same thing as “abandonment” issues. These feelings of abandonment and pathological loneliness is what causes the excruciating withdrawal – or loneliness – we feel when the Narc is no longer in our life. The withdrawal is very real. Stay Strong, thirdtimelucky! I’m glad you have moved a long distance away from him and are surrounded by people who care about you. Call one of your nearby friends for support. Use this time alone to deepen relationships with your true friends who love and support you, and to deepen your relationship with you, thirdtimelucky. With love ….

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Emi.
  • #44590

    Donna Andersen

    Thirdtimelucky – yes, the relationships are addictive, and yes, it will feel like withdrawal. Stay strong and do not break NO CONTACT!

    The discussion on the blog post “After the sociopath, consumed by obsession” may help you.

    After the sociopath, consumed by obsession

    • #44753


      Thank you Donna for the link to the article – it was extremely helpful. I have set an “appointment” in my calendar to limit thinking about SP to 15 min per day at the same time. The other day when the alarm went off I was too busy and had no need to think about him. Tonight I had some fleeting thoughts but this is because 4 years ago today was the first weekend we spent together so I thought of that but in a rather detached way. There was a 30 seconds window when I was tempted to email and tell him the reason I broke up was his cheating and I knew about his other family, but then I reminded myself that it would not achieve anything positive or change him, so the urge to email stopped.

    • #44774


      I’m so glad I found this site, and I feel for all of us. It’s very early for me, my N left in aggressive circumstances last weekend. I contacted the police and blocked him having had my day about the lies I knew about. Low and behold a letter arrived yesterday in which he talked about the things I’d done and his reaction. No mention of the lies of course. I’d felt better before yesterday, almost like a weight was lifted, but then I had to text him and call him in the middle of the night only to hang up. He’s been round this morning shouting the odds, so I walked away and so did he. NC starts again, any advice to help stop the panic and thoughts that I’m dying?

      • #44775

        Donna Andersen

        hopeforus – Start the No contact again, and commit to yourself to stick with it. Figure out ways to block him. If he sends another letter, give it to a trusted friend to open. And the only reason to open it is to find out if he is issuing some kind of threat.

        The longer you are away from him, the more your head will clear.

  • #44754

    Donna Andersen

    thirdtimelucky – good for you! Keep with your program. Maintain No Contact. As time goes by, the need to think about him will fade away.

    • #44783


      Thank you for your encouragement.
      This weekend was a tough for me but I made it.
      5 years ago was our first weekend together which we spent attending a live motorsport event. And continued to do it for the 4 years of our relationship.
      A week ago I was having flashbacks to how good it was, to share this experience with SP.
      Then I stopped myself: this is something I enjoyed since I was a child, with or without a guy in my life (one year I even took myself off overseas to watch a race).
      So I booked a last minute ticket and spent a day at the track today. I had a great time even if I did not have anyone “special” to be there with me.
      This made me realize that with or without SP my life goes on and a lot of activities we did together were my passions, not his.
      The next mental barrier for me is to pick up my golf clubs again.
      Last time I played golf was with him on the day we broke up.
      I have not been on the course since (and this is something I started 20 years ago at uni! And something I love doing with my son on a weekend).

      It’s now been 3 weeks of complete NC. The urge to text comes and goes. I let myself feel it and instead of fighting it or blaming myself for having it, I ask: what is it likely to achieve? The answer always is: nothing good. So it passes. Just a little technique that helps me.

      • #44787

        Donna Andersen

        Third time lucky – You went to the races — good for you! Yes, life goes on. Soon you’ll be hitting golf balls again.

        Great tip about thinking, “what will that accomplish?” An excellent question to ask.

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