How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Don't even know where to begin
February 15, 2019 at 12:14 pm #49020
I am probably not who you would expect to be writing this post. Here’s the backstory. A sociopath/BPD/narcissist scoped out my husband about 5 years ago and worked her magic. We had a good marriage (over 15 years) prior to that but my husband was prime for the picking…low self esteem, self hatred, people pleaser, and addictive personality. Needless to say, an emotional affair started which became physical. I found out and there was all the back and forth where he was ending it and then she would drag him back in. Most of their initial “amazing times” were all drug induced. My husband and I separated when I saw he wouldn’t stop the affair. He came back crying for help and we got him into a rehab…not really for drugs but because he described her as an addiction. While in rehab, she got in touch with him and let him know she was pregnant. He left rehab and went to live with her. After a couple of months, he asked for help to get away from her and he moved to an apartment close to our home so we could work on things and he could see the kids. She lived an hour away. We tried but she kept her hold on tight. After their son was born, he moved in with her and lived with her for 15 months. During that time, she was relentless about him divorcing me and saying how awful our kids are and how everything was my fault. Our kids refused to be around her so he only saw them at our house. We kept in touch when she wasn’t around because she monitored his every move. He tried to leave many times but couldn’t. He had become a stay at home dad to their son. He went through all his money and some of mine as well. He finally got up the courage to leave and he moved back home almost two years ago. Since then she has not let up. Her goal is the “win”. She was forced to move back in with her parents. She has another son from her first marriage and was married to a woman for 10 years when she threw her away for my husband. My husband tried to file for custody and she somehow convinced him to agree to something that benefited her and said he could have 50/50 custody but it was where she lived so he would “stay” there when it was his time. There was a time limit that expired on that so technically he can have his son with us. Fast forward to this fall when she started seeing someone else (while keeping it from my husband as she was still having him pay for so much and do all her errands and anything she wanted). She used guilt a lot and he falls for it all the time. She’s not capable and needs help. She also threatens suicide all the time. My husband found out about the boyfriend and flipped out. He finally understood what everyone has said about her from the beginning. She became incredibly cruel and started filing bogus things with the court (order of protection which was dropped, trespassing which was dropped, harassment which was dropped). Ruthless. Meanwhile new boyfriend saw right through her and ending things quickly so her now she’s back at trying to get my husband back under her spell. He filed for contempt of custody and modification to try to get primary custody. Their son is about to turn three and doesn’t speak (she had drugs in her system when he was born and I believe has fetal alcohol syndrome), sleeps with her in a shared bed, doesn’t interact with any other kids, just sits around all day while she ignores him. Her manipulations and controls are working again and now he’s terrified to serve her and court is in less than a month. He hired a lawyer but he says he’s paralyzed with fear. He understands she’s abusive. He sees her for who she is but can’t seem to break free. I told him we can’t live like this anymore. He was making such progress and moving forward, but he just can’t accept the truth. It crushes his self esteem and makes him feel so stupid. He’s a good person and was a great husband and father and friend before she came into his life. Now he’s a child who is so lost. He has a great therapist but he says her pull is so strong he doesn’t know how to control it. I love him and see this is an illness that he’s dealing with and she is truly evil. He has made a lot of mistakes. I get it. I don’t let that go, but I know the real him is inside there if he can just get away from her. He said he’s terrified of her hating him. I said she already does. She sees him as a patsy. If you read all of this, thank you. And if you have any words of wisdom, I could definitely appreciate it.
February 16, 2019 at 9:58 am #49035
Grady – I admire you for sticking with your husband through all this. It is amazing to hear the “other side of the story” from the secondary victims these horrible people leave in their wake. We who have been primary victims tend to forget just how much pain and trauma others who love us feel as we deal with these psychopaths.
You have it all right – this woman is, indeed, disordered. She is out to win at whatever cost. She does not care for your husband – just the power she has over him. The tools these people use are insidious and toxic. They entwine and entrap and entangle the victims heart and soul until they have no escape, no relief, and are unable to think clearly enough to form a reasonable plan. He needs to be far enough and long enough away from her to focus and get stronger. Sadly, that may mean losing contact with his child. I wish I had a magic wand that would fix this situation and him – but from everything I have read here, and from personal knowledge, the best cure is time and distance.
February 16, 2019 at 12:06 pm #49042
Thank you for your response. You are the first one to truly get (other than my therapist) what my position is. We are definitely secondary victims. And I feel as if I married my husband in sickness and in health and he’s very sick right now. I agree wholeheartedly that he needs no contact. Originally he said he would give up seeing his son for a year or two to work on himself and stay away from her, but he couldn’t do it. He lasted maybe a couple of weeks. I know if he pushes for custody and gets primary or the courts force her to let their son be in our home, she will lose it and she will unleash her true self. Which is what he needs to see more often. He sees it but it’s usually towards someone else so he dismisses it. When it’s toward him, he sees more and more that she wasn’t real with him. Ugh, it’s so hard and frustrating to sit and watch and receive the secondary abuse.
February 16, 2019 at 3:32 pm #49045
Hi Grady, what a blessing for your husband to have a strong & loving wife like you, who has gone thru hell yourself with this nightmare of a sociopath.
I’m so sorry that you & your husband got entangled in a web of deception with this sociopath. Reading your post is heart wrenching. I’m glad that you have educated yourself. Now it’s time for your husband to fully educate himself to open his mind up to the truth of this evil woman.
I would recommend that he read EVERYTHING here at Lovefraud. This site was/is a saving grace for all of us that surviving a sociopath. What people do not realize is a sociopath is a CULT leader and the victim(s) of a sociopath are cult FOLLOWERS. Your husband is this sociopath cult follower. Once that sinks in, your mind starts to really open up to the truth about the hell you are in or have escaped. Your husband is not fully educated on sociopath behavior, therefor he is still a cult follower to this woman. Sad.
Where do you begin to open up your mind from the sociopath cult leaders brain washing & mind control (literally brain washing & mind control!!!!)??
He should start at the very top of love fraud. Look at each & every Red & Grey tab. When he is confused…he should READ, READ, READ everything here at lovefraud. He should watch the videos up at the top of LF. I must have watched those videos 1000 times…over & over & over just to wake my mind up.
I would also recommend you purchase Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath (see the book store up at the top of Lovefraud).
Donna & her husband Terry have also provided consultation & Therapist Webinars up at the top too.
What do sociopath do to their cult followers to get them & keep them in their grips?
They use: Brain washing, mind control, gas lighting abuse (google), reward & punishment techniques, install FEAR & phobias into the victim mind (seems like your husband is experiencing these fears she planted into his mind still), pathological lying (google), manipulation, etc etc etc. Their tactic list is long. Everything a sociopath does is to CONROL THE VICTIMS MIND… High Jack the victims mind!! So scary this world.
What helped me to open my mind?
1) reading reading reading everything here…books on the subject (see the book store up at the top of Lovefraud) and library
2) Read Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath
3) Steven Hassans book Freedom of mind.
Steven Hassan is a cult expert who himself was inducted into a cult in college after breaking up with a girlfriend. Once he was freed with the help of his family and other ex cult followers he returned to college & majored in counseling. He has been helping ex cult follower for over 30 years. He has several books.
If you do a search here on Lovefraud you will find Donna’s write up on his book. This book, along with Donna’s and several others, was major turning point for me to see the truth. To see how my (then) husband was brain washing & Mind controlling me. For me Hassan’s book is a must read.
4) Here at Lovefraud Donna has connect with a counselor named Mary Ann Glenn. Mary gives free internet seminars/group counseling each month (?). Look up Mary Ann Glenns videos with Donna. This woman is brilliant at breaking down what is happening by the abuser (sociopath). I would recommend both you & your husband telephone into these group sessions. Donna has just posted Mary Ann’s next group online session see the home page for more info on this.
5) Donna has created other videos at a nominal fee to open a victims mind up and to heal.
6) Your husband has been & is still in hell. His body is most likely exhausted from drugs/alcohol and of course this evil evil woman constant manipulation. It’s very common for a victim of a sociopath to reach for drugs & alcohol to calm their nerves. But it puts a huge strain on the adrenal glands (see more below on this subject).
He needs to get his health in order to truly heal full. At least this is what I needed once I left my ex (I do not drink or do drugs but my body, mind & spirit were exhausted and needed to heal from the hell I has endured).
Look into Adrenal fatigue…I believe it is part of the PSTD that your husband is most likely suffering from. Each & every time he has contact with this evil woman is body is most likely in a panic state. At least this was me when I was dealing with divorcing my ex the sociopath. Every letter from his or mine divorce lawyer set me in a panic mode. Our mind knows that these people are evil and are warning us to stay clear. For your husband it is difficult to deal with having a child with your abuser. And constantly having to reenter back into the abusers life.
The Adrenal glands regulate the body’s blood pressure, blood sugar levels, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight, freeze or flight response mode), and over 50 hormones including testosterone. They are a huge deal. Continual stress, toxic relationship, poor diet, alcohol and/or drugs use, vitamin & mineral deficiency all will cause the adrenal glands to become fatigue. Once the adrenal glands are fatigue your body & mind will suffer.
Look up the symptoms of Adrenal fatigue on the net & sites like Adrenal fatigue. org and Dr Lam. com. Find a good Endocrinologist doctor to get your husband & your tested for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency, thyroid T3 & T4 levels, hormonal imbalance etc. To heal PTSD I believe you mist heal your adrenal glands. Once you do you can think clearly & Make good decisions.
Google these things to learn more about healing your body:
1) Dr Amen PBS you tube
See his books on healing the brain (your local library may have them)
3) Dr JOel Furhman book Eat to Live. Google Dr Joel Furhman PBS you tube.
4) Google: “Super juice me documentary you tube” (FREE)
to watch how to heal your body with a good clean diet.
5) Google: “Jason Vale Juicing you tube” (FREE)
6) Google “Sick, fat & nearly dead documentary you tube” (FREE)
Heal your body & your husbands body from all the toxic stress you both have been under because of this evil sociopath.
7) For your husband to deal with this sociopath & see his son. Have him meet at a public place…ie McDonalds, Library etc. Some where that also has cameras so if he ever has issues with her its being recorded.
NEVER MET HER ALONE!! OR AT HER HOME!! This is where she will be able to high jack is brain and program him WITH HER PATHOLOGICAL LYING & MANIPULATION and Sexual advances.
Sending you both huge hugs.??? It’s not easy what you BOTH are dealing going thru because of this evil sociopath. But, together you are strong!! Remember that. I would recommend that your husband post here if he has the strength to do so. IT really does help to connect with others that have endured the same hell. This is a wonderful, safe support site.
You should be so proud of yourself Grady for having the strength & courage to post here at LF. You are your husbands Earth Angel!!! ??
For you & your husband look up here at LF & next the following:
Sociopath smear campaign
Sociopath low contact rule
Sociopath no contact rule
Gas lighting abuse
on the net: Steven Hassan Bite model.
What I have read as the main difference with female sociopath is that they use sex as the #1 way to manipulate their target victims. Obviously they use all the tactics of a sociopath play book but sex is their #1.
Do a serach on the book One moms battle Tina Swiften here on LF.
Grady…set some boundaries with you husband. also. Look up Setting boundaries on the next & with books from your local library. You both need to be on the same page with dealing with this sociopath. You both need to set a plan in place with he goes to see his child i.e. he meets her at a public place only. I would recommend you both do individual counseling with a counselor that is extremely educated with sociopath abuse. Maybe someone like Mary Ann Glenn.
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by Jan7.
February 17, 2019 at 2:09 pm #49054
Grady – I am so sorry for what you and your husband are enduring. I echo what emilie and Jan have said – the woman is a complete sociopath. Her objective is to use your husband. Her objective in getting pregnant was probably to collect money from your husband for 18 years.
Key to escaping this woman is No Contact. Even though there is a child involved, your husband must have No Contact with the woman. If there are child exchanges for visitation, he should send a friend or family member, and not interact with the woman himself. Same with the court case – let the lawyers deal with her.
No Contact will enable his head to clear. If he has contact with her, he is pulled back into the web.
You also might want to get this book: “Say goodbye to crazy”
February 18, 2019 at 4:38 pm #49066
Thank you both for your thoughtful and helpful replies. I just purchased Say Goodbye to Crazy. I think what I’m up against right now is that he is too scared to do the work. I research and research and read so much on what is going on and I will send him some things to read and he only reads them sometimes. He finds it interesting but he says it’s too much for him to handle. He is acting like a weak child. He has definitely spiraled since the court case was coming close. He tends to sabotage himself when he’s getting strength because he fears something. Her family forbids her to have contact with him or have him at their home and apparently her mom went through her phone and found out she had been lying to them and has been in contact and continuing her interactions. She has lied to her family so much that they believe my husband is to blame for everything. Again, I know he’s not innocent, but this is not on him.
It’s interesting that you mention the cult analogy. That’s what I have said from the very beginning and his therapist spoke to him about this past month. I can’t seem to get him to do what he needs to do to get better and read everything and go no contact. He will pick a fight with me to justify his contact with her and turn things on me…secondary abuse. In lucid moments he says he has no idea the shame and guilt he has over what he has done and continues to do with regard to how he’s treating me and our children and anyone who gets in the way. But he says at times he can’t help it and his brain is confusing him and makes him not know what he wants anymore. He knows what he wants (i.e. to get her out of his life and his son here with us), but she convinces him that he wants to be with her and their son and forget about everyone else).
I am just so sick of this rollercoaster and want this nightmare over. My friend (who is the only person who knows absolutely everything other than my therapist) suggested we hire some guy to woo her so she leaves my husband alone and moves onto her next victim. If it were only that easy.
February 19, 2019 at 9:45 am #49068
Grady, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My husband was also targeted, preyed upon, and sucked in by a sociopath/psychopath. A nasty affair ensued, it went on for 15 months. At first I did not realize what she is, he didn’t either, and I was devastated. My husband is the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful man ever, a man of integrity and high moral standards…. I know him well after almost 30 years of marriage. He initially took full responsibility, but over time, as I asked questions, I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I started searching on Google, and gradually realized. She started out on Snapchat with him, tons of love bombing and playing the victim. Then it became physical, what he told me is like a scene from a porn flick…. it was disgusting, as was a lot of stuff that she got him to do over that time period. Honestly, I believe she pulled him into the pit of hell with her. Fortunately for us, there is no child. When things ended and he got away from her for a few days, the fog cleared and he never wanted to see her again. It’s been a rough time healing from this, but I truly believe he is a victim. We found a really good therapist who deals in abusive relationships, and after several months, she confirms That….he was a victim! At this point, I don’t really blame him. The only thing the therapist said was that he should’ve had stronger boundaries, but I believe he did…. abusive people like that slowly chip away at your boundaries. Anyway, i’m sure you know that the only way out is no contact. Not entirely sure how you do that with the baby involved, but As long as there is contact with her, there is the possibility of her getting her claws in once again. This website was tremendously helpful for me. There are others that of help me as well, if you want to email me, I can send them to you. I think the biggest help is speaking to people who have experienced similar situations. Truly, no one can understand otherwise, who would’ve believed that manipulation could be this powerful???? Terri [email protected]
February 19, 2019 at 9:53 am #49069
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