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Foster Care: the Perfect Place for a Sociopath

This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  zin6 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #47140

    zin6
    Participant

    I wish years ago when I met this friend someone had warned me. I wish all the people who now tell me they had red flags had spoken up. We became fast friends in college. Freshman year is a time to make new friends and I didn’t even question how fast we became best friends. Over the years there were many things that didn’t add up. Outrageous things people supposedly did to her, arguments with so many people and a constant stream of situations in which she was a victim. I defended her fiercely to others. Believed all the lies. I think I thought that there would be no reason for her to lie. Until last year. When DHS first made her a foster parent I had my hesitations. Tumultuous relationships, no steadiness, possibly drinking too much and her supposed serious head injury made me think parenting was not for her. But I got into protect mode and decided to support her as best I could. I trusted DHS during the certification process had addressed the issues. She got a sibling set of three. These kids had been through trauma you can’t imagine at the hands of a narcissistic and very mentally ill biological parent. She had no compassion for them. Refused to see why they acted out (and for the trauma they had been through, they hardly were acting out). I encouraged her, implored her, tried every time she asked for us to watch the kids to be patient and loving. Her excuse was always that foster parenting was hard and everyone didn’t understand. In the meantime, our family began fostering. Our oldest had so much trauma and behaviors that at a young age had been recommended for specialized home. We found this out after she was placed with us and we did every therapy and class we could to help. Now having been a foster parent, I began to see the excuses for how she was treating her foster children as just what they were. She started to target and abuse the middle child. Claiming he was manipulative when he came forward about being worried about how much she was drinking. She claimed that the kid’s court advocate (who had concerns about the kids treatment) was trying to parent the kids and she manipulated the oldest into requesting the advocate be removed. DHS bought all this. She continued to do abusive things to the kids and claim it was part of a special therapy and a therapist and DHS staff were on board. She would text often and ask us to take the kids or she was going to drop them off at a shelter and then next minute rail on anyone who dare suggest she give up “her kids”. She didn’t want to parent and asked us often to watch the kids. She was always making their pain about her. Their stress and past abuse was all about how it impacted her. The last straw was the last time we watched the kids. They were required to do things kids shouldn’t and they saw nothing wrong with it. We finally decided to confirm with DHS and the lies were so vast. After that talk, I made a report of abuse to DHS. I cut off contact. At first feeling guilty and then eventually angry. They kept calling after that asking more and more absurd questions. For some reason they bought another story of hers. DHS suddenly became hostile and stated that if we wanted kids, we could apply to adopt. She had spun a story and gotten the kids to corroborate, that we were really just trying to take the kids and she was giving in by letting them spend time with us. DHS was so charmed by her still: “How could she have done these things? She was just here with the kids bringing cookies!” The kids are still with her almost a year later. Because of the high turnover rate of employees, the overwhelming work load and the ease in which kids can be manipulated makes DHS a prime target for a sociopath. I think I could have just moved on. Cut her off, gone through a little grieving and then relief that I had escaped with small damages. But I just can’t let go of the reality of those kids living with her feeding of their pain and stress. Living being constantly punished for lying when that is all she does. Being abused by someone so many adults find charming further validating the insecurities already caused by the first abusive parent. I have gone all the way to the top in DHS to try and convince anyone of what the kids are going through. But even those who believe me, don’t take action. I think about it daily and I just don’t know if I can ever let it go.

  • #47142

    emilie18
    Participant

    This is horrifying but not surprising. Sadly, a lot of the people in enforcement positions have the attitude “if I didn’t see it, it didn’t happen”. This happened to a friend of mine years ago when she walked in on her boyfriend molesting her 10 year old daughter. The police interviewed the child – who had been told by the molester “if you tell I will kill your little sister and Mom in front of you” – so she refused to say anything. After three months of trying to get this guy arrested – and constant harassment and threats from him – she moved to another state without telling anyone where she was, changed their names, worked “under the table” – basically disappeared. He filed suit for custody (the younger child was theirs). Interestingly, the police spent more time trying to find HER than investigating him. Years later she resurfaced, after the molester had been jailed for something else. The child, now a teenager, was a mess – never admitted, even to counselors, the truth, got into drugs, hated her Mom. Very sad.

    Keep telling your story to anyone who listens and pray someone, someday, will believe it. But if the kids won’t testify – and she may have threatened them so they won’t – it may never get better.

    Frustrating and infuriating, I know – but bless you for trying.

  • #47161

    zin6
    Participant

    I am sure she has threatened them. She threatened them often with taking them to a shelter if they didn’t do what she wanted. It’s so sad your friend had to change her entire life just to protect her family. I wish law enforcement was trained to see a manipulator or sociopath.

  • #47162

    Carrie’s Daughter
    Participant

    I understand how painful this must be, but you must let this go and completely get out of this situation.

    You have done all that you can do, and you may put yourself and those around you in danger if you don’t walk away as soon as possible.

    Unless you see some other way to help these kids, you shouldn’t risk having a psychopath focused on you as any kind of threat – especially when she’s already proven she can turn authorities against you.

    If you pray, pray. But I think you should walk away.

  • #47163

    zin6
    Participant

    Carrie’s Daughter,
    Thank you. That’s good advise and I will follow it. It has become clear to me there is nothing more I can do beside pray.

  • #47209

    Carrie’s Daughter
    Participant

    I’ll be praying too. 🙂

  • #47213

    zin6
    Participant

    Thank you!

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