October 1, 2019 at 7:57 am #54566
I am writing this for more of a “therapy” session for myself than anything else. I’m sure anyone reading it would probably find it to be entertaining only for the fact of it is so gd crazy. Like watching a train wreck. You don’t want to watch it happen…it’s so crazy and tragic…but you can’t pull your eyes away from it.
I’m going to start at the beginning and add a little portion of the story each day…at least that is my goal. I want to go back through the 6 years of wasted time and emotional hell that I went through in order to sort it all out in my head…which is a total cluster EF rn.
The first thing I remember about him was how breathtakingly handsome he was when he walked in the door to the office I was working. I had been married (to my now ex) for 24 years. Dated him for 5. So we had been together technically for almost 30 years. He had begun drinking for the last 10 of our marriage…but the last 5 had been really bad. This story is not about that. That is a whole other soap opera of it’s own…but nothing close to this one.
Anyways, I was at the end of my marriage when D (the narcissist) walked through the door of my office and into my heart. I knew it. Almost immediately. He was a delivery man and my office was on his route. I was at the front desk, so I took the deliveries. He stared coming in every day. Whether he had a package for us or not. Sometimes he would make up reasons to come in. Asking me to help him find an address out there for a package. Sometimes he would just pop in and say hi b/c he was in the area. I’m a big football fan, so we talked football a lot.
This went on for over a month. I got excited when I’d see his truck pull up. During this time, I separated from my husband and moved in with a friend. It was at this finally had gotten up the nerve to write down my number on a piece of paper for the next time he came in. He came in that day, and I couldn’t do it. I sat there talking to him. Shaking internally. And couldn’t do it. He was 23 for gods sake. I was 46. Why would he WANT my number? He left out and I was kicking myself for not giving it to him. I asked a co-worker to cover for me. I grabbed the piece of paper and hurried up and went outside to catch him before he pulled off.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked, knowing he had to have. He was too beautiful to NOT. He said yes, of course. But, the quick thinker I am, I said ” well, if you ever don’t, call me” and handed him the piece of paper.
Within 5 minutes he texted me…that’s when my life changed forever…
October 1, 2019 at 5:38 pm #54574Donna AndersenKeymaster
jsmith0820 – Yes, that’s how these involvements start. Feel free to share as much as you like. I have a request – can you please continue the story on this topic in the forum? It will be easier for people to read it all on one place.
October 2, 2019 at 1:14 am #54588
Hi jsmith –
Oh – do please continue writing your story ! You’re a good writer. I’m finding it fascinating too. I’ll look for your coming installments in the forum section as Donna suggested. Thank you for sharing.
Blessings to you.
October 2, 2019 at 8:34 am #54591
Donna – I thought that I was posting this in the forum. How do I do that? Clearly I am not technologically savvy. LOL
Polestar – get your popcorn ready! It’s a doozy of a story!!!
October 2, 2019 at 9:25 am #54592
This is where I posted it. It says “forums”
October 2, 2019 at 10:51 am #54593
In the meantime and while I have a mintute…I will continue here with my story until I hear from Donna.
So, we begin texting. Considering the huge age difference, our communication goes extremely smooth. He is very easy to talk to. He knows all the right questions to ask. He doesn’t overwhelm me with compliments. Just a casual conversation. He explains his girlfriend situation. Says they have been together for 6 years but he is working on breaking up with her. He says he is never one to burn any bridges, so he is trying to do it slowly as to allow things to go smoothly.
I explain my situation. Newly separated. 24 years of marriage. Etc.
I believe he asked me if I have ever been with a younger man. I say yes, once. Had I ever been with a black man (D is black). I said yes, once. I explain that just a week or so earlier I saw a young man in a parking lot and, influenced by a huge urge to sleep with this guy, I leave my number on his car once he was inside the store he was going.
Remember, I’m 46 now. Fresh out of a long marriage to basically the only man I had ever known. Sex life with my ex-husband had been “okay”, but there were some things I wanted to experience, now that I was “free”. My Bucket List, which I will refer to BL going forward.
One of my BL items was a black man. I had always fantasized about it and had always been attracted to black men. Not because of the tales about their penis size, but because of their confidence and demeanor. They’re strong energy and self confidence was always very alluring to me. So…I went for it.
This parking lot guy hit me up, and I went over the next night to have what was one of the most exciting, mind blowing sexual encounters I had ever experienced. Parking Lot guy hit me up again and we made plans to hook up again, but I never went through with it. I’m not sure why. I don’t remember. But then D came along and I forgot all about parking lot guy.
So, I say yes to his young, black man questions. He is stunned and begins to ask a lot of detailed questions about my parking lot guy experience. Very intricate details that I wasn’t sure I remembered all of the answers to. I wasn’t there to F the guy and take notes. I just wanted the experience.
I learned, very quickly, that D was all about the details. The more raunchy and dirty, the better.
After we finished hashing out the deets on the Parking Lot guy, I asked him if he had ever been with an older woman. He had. However, I was the oldest. And he liked that. As if it was an accomplishment. He said he has always been attracted to older women. I, not being in the same perverted mindset of him, did not ask for the details. I didn’t want to know. It was enough just knowing that he had been with another older woman. Kind of disappointing, to be honest. But, I didn’t let it hinder me too much, clearly, because we just kept talking.
One week in, a Friday, I remember it very well, I had the day off and I decided I was going to do it. I was going to F this guy. We set up a time. 1:00 in the afternoon. I was getting so nervous. I really liked this guy. To the point I was shaking when I was in his presence. He said he never noticed, but i can’t imagine how he could miss it. Anyway, I told him that I wanted to do it, but I was very nervous. If it wasn’t there by 1:15, to just assume I wasn’t coming. He said he understood, but was really looking forward to seeing me.
I knock on the door at 12:59.
October 3, 2019 at 11:18 am #54606Donna AndersenKeymaster
jsmith0820 – yes, keep telling your story. This is exactly the right place.
October 3, 2019 at 10:53 pm #54615
Hi jsmith –
Again, thank you for sharing your story! I am enjoying reading about your adventure. As I said, you have a talent for writing: ending this segment with your knock at his door was poinient. I don’t want to give feedback exactly because it’s the background story, but I’ll post after your segments to let you know that I’m here – right with you.
October 5, 2019 at 6:52 pm #54636
Hi jsmith –
I was thinking that if you think it would help you, I would be happy to leave feedback as you go along – or would you prefer just to tell your story in a united stream ?
Blessings to you
October 7, 2019 at 11:45 am #54641
I’m Sorry. Last week (Thursday and Friday) were really rough so I couldn’t muster the strength to post anything (i.e. relive that time without crying even more than I already was). I am doing better today…thank you Polestar for your continuous support.
I’m not sure how “detailed” I can get on here, so I will keep it PG. LOL
He opened the door, standing there, all 6’3″ of his gorgeous dark (caramel colored) skin, slim/lean muscular body. He was wearing a white t shirt and some sweatpants. Easy removal.
He greeted me at the door with a kiss. His lips were so full and soft. If the excitement of this “meet up” wasn’t enough to have me completely “ready”, the kiss put me over the top!
We walked in his place and I noticed right away that he had Justin Timberlakes newest album playing. I had mentioned that I was a big fan of JT in one or our many communications during that previous week. He had REMEMBERED! And went to the effort of downloading the album so he could have it playing for me (his words).
We went into the living room. He kissed me again. This time more aggressively. I remember being so nervous. I’m not sure if it was because I was so goo-goo over him, or that I felt like I was doing something “wrong”. Maybe a little of both. I mean, he was 23 for crying out loud, practically the age of my oldest son. And I wasn’t “divorced” yet, just separated. I know I had met up with parking lot guy and I remember being uneasy with him…but not nervous like this. This was on a whole new level of scared.
From there, minus the raunchy/gory details, he finished pretty fast. I was surprised and maybe a tad disappointed, but didn’t really think too much about it. It was our first time, he was young and we had had a lot of build up to this moment. It happens!
Afterwards, we cleaned ourselves up. He apologized for not going longer…and promised to make it up to me next time.
Next time? I was very happy to hear he wanted another time.
I got dressed and he gave me a hug goodbye. I didn’t hear from him for the rest of that day, or the next…or the next. Did he change his mind? Was I too old for him and he got grossed out? Did my breath smell? A million (negative) thoughts went through my mind. But, I had my family to take care of. All of them were still at home at that time. My youngest was 13/14. I stayed busy and tried not to think too much about it anymore. He got what he wanted and has probably already forgotten about me.
First thing Monday morning…7:15 am…my phone dinged…SHIT!
October 7, 2019 at 3:15 pm #54646
Hi jsmith –
I’m sorry that you are going through a rough time. I really do think that writing your story out will ultimately be healthy and healing, though reliving things can be painful in the moment. Also, writing is a positive activity and though going No Contact is the best thing you can do – in a sense it is executed by not doing. So writing is the positive action that is important so as to not get emerged in a passive mode. From what I know about you so far, you seem like a person who enjoys being active. So again that is why I think that writing is particularly good for you. Now about your narrative – that was nice I thought that he downloaded music that he knew you would enjoy. I can understand that you would be nervous – not just about the anticipation of a sexual experience with someone you didn’t know too well, but here you were in his abode without really knowing him and and that did make you very vulnerable. About finishing quickly – I obviously don’t know how the story will progress, but for a young and healthy guy – that does makes me suspicious. Also if he was so considerate of you by downloading JT, how come he then was so inconsiderate as to not contact you sooner? That was a mini silent treatment especially because of the newness of your intimacy. The proof that his silent treatment was abusive was demonstrated by your having to go through many doubts about yourself in response to it. He took away the joy you could have experienced from remembering your special time together.
Back to the present, try to do things that you enjoy during this difficult time. It does get easier and easier as the days go by and you stick to your resolve.
Blessings to you.
October 7, 2019 at 4:45 pm #54648
Wow…Donna…thank you. That was amazingly insightful. In the 6 years since that happened I have NEVER thought about his silent treatment being a form of abuse. But wow, looking at it now…I definitely see it. What is funny is that I always felt like the music was more of a red flag than anything else. Like he was trying to seduce me. I chalked the silent treatment up to be him just being young and had a life. Remember, he had a girlfriend. I recall him saying that when I left he was running out somewhere. So I just thought he was busy or he was with her, so he had to wait until he was free/alone.
I have talked to him about it several times over the years and how I felt about it at that time. Of course he downplayed it to be nothing. Just giving me space and knew he would pick back up with me later. He definitely took the joy away from it. Oh, and he said yes he did remember having to go somewhere that day after we were done…but he wasn’t with his girlfriend and he hadn’t spent much time with her that weekend. He just chose to not text me until Monday morning.
Also…thank you for helping me understand my being so nervous during that first encounter. Yes, I was in HIS home and I didn’t know HIM (really) at all. I’m sure that played a huge part of it…along with everything else.
October 7, 2019 at 4:46 pm #54649
…i’m so sorry…I said Donna…I meant to say Polestar!!!
October 8, 2019 at 8:09 am #54658
We texted, on and off, for the next week. He would text me early, on his way to work, on somedays. Those days our communication would be very strong. He was funny, interesting, entertaining and always had something to talk about. Other days I wouldn’t hear from him at all.
We decided to do a “make-up” session that Friday. I don’t recall a lot of the details leading up to that next session, I just remember that it was exactly a week from the first one…and I was so excited to get to see him again (like that).
JT wasn’t on this time. He had some kind of rap music going when I walked in. He grabbed me when I walked in the door…he was (is) 6’3″ to my 5’2″. He easily picked me up in a bear hug, I wrapped my legs around him and he carried me this way to his bedroom.
The sex this time was not short. In fact, it went on for a very long time. He put me in many different positions. He was very aggressive. He was strong. He was in complete control. And let me make sure I’m very clear…there was no love making here. It was all very very aggressive. Don’t get me wrong…I wasn’t opposed to it. I very much liked it. Besides parking lot guy, I hadn’t experienced sex like this. It was amazing! HE wanted ME! And I found that to be incredibly exhilarating!
I did lay in bed with him afterwards for about 15-20 minutes. I lay on his arm/chest and just admired him. He was beautiful. He had several tattoos on his chest. I asked him about certain ones and what they meant. He talked about them and what they meant.
One that I found very interesting was a Bible verse. I don’t remember the verse right now, but it was something about finding strength in God. Now, I’m not against God or the Bible or religious people in general, but he did not come across to me as the religious type. It wasn’t like he seemed like a “bad” guy…but he did seem like the bad-boy type, if you know what I mean. I didn’t ask him about it (at least not at that time…I did later on), but it just hit me as hypocritical. Again, I’m not against religious people at all. But, I am very wary of hypocritical people. However, I let this slide. Why? We know why.
I left that day without receiving a follow up text or phone call again. As much energy and chemistry that I had felt in that hour or so with him, I could see that for him, it was just a booty call.
But, like clockwork, Monday morning found a text on my phone…Good Morning Miss Jodi.
October 8, 2019 at 11:04 pm #54678
Hi jsmith –
I wanted to say that I feel honored that you have shared this secret, close to your heart part of your life with me ( and for the participants who will be able to get important insights from your experience ). Anyway, what makes psychological abuse so difficult to detect is that the victim is in a relationship while getting more and more involved, but it takes awhile to be able to detect the patterns. So the timing is off and thus the victim is the one disadvantaged by the time element because by the time the pattern emerges, they are already “ hooked “, and their reasoning is not functioning up to par because their emotions are getting more and more imbalanced and obscure clarity. Though I am an observer, I still feel the need to take the time to discern patterns. Also,I find it is like trying to discuss a book between 2 people with one who is beginning the book and the other who has a completely different perspective because they have already finished the book. So I’m going to need to go back to my original plan of reading your background story and responding to let you know that I am here and reading, but not to give feedback until it is complete. I want you to know that I take your story very seriously and am contemplating all the issues involved. I hope this is OK with you.
October 9, 2019 at 11:53 am #54683
Thank you PS. I have mixed feelings about your holding feedback until I am finished…mainly because I don’t know how long that will be. I mean, this was a 6 year “relationship” and there are SO many things that have happened along the way. I understand your reasoning on it, but I have to say, I definitely have appreciated your insight into each chapter of the events so far.
Whatever you decide to do is completely up to you and I will, of course, respect your decision, but if I get a vote in it, I would vote that if/when you read something that strikes you as odd or “red flag” in the story (either on his part or mine!), to provide your insight at that time. I feel as though it will help me, while that chapter is fresh on my brain, to go back and think through it again with new (non rose-colored) glasses.
I don’t have time to write another chapter today, but I will look forward to hearing your response to this message. I’m sure others will too 🙂
October 10, 2019 at 10:16 am #54697
The next few weeks went about the same. We met up about once a week to “enjoy each others company”. We texted almost daily. I’d say by the end of the first full month, we were texting every day (all day) and hooking up at least once a week, sometimes two or three times.
My office was on his route and I didn’t have to be there until 9. He usually left his station around 830, so we would meet up like that a lot. Most of the time we would use the backseat of my car, but a few times we got in his truck. BUCKET LIST! Sometimes I would go to his place if no one was home. As if the stars were in alignment, his route to and from his job went right past my neighborhood. There were many times that we met up after he got off work at a remote location near my house. There was so MUCH opportunity for us. So many avenues for meeting up, we were becoming regular F-buddies!
Our texting was usually about sex. I tried to keep it away from anything too personal. I know myself, if I get too personal with someone, sharing my feelings and thoughts about my personal situations, I get attached. I told him this. He said okay. He would respect that.
I’m not sure how long we were texting before he began asking me personal questions again…and like a dummy…I shared. I mean, I had warned him, right. Just like he had warned me that he had a girlfriend…meaning he was off limits not only emotionally, but really in any other way too. Yet, we were having sex…a lot…so the confusion and mix signals began.
October 10, 2019 at 12:56 pm #54700
So I have gone back a re-read all of my story and there are several timeline issues/discrepancies, which you may or may not notice, but makes it sometimes hard to follow. In re-reading it, I am realizing a few things here and there that are out of order and that I had forgotten and left out. I was writing from my best memory at the time and on they fly, basically. Just off the top of my head, so to speak. I’m not going to go back and re-write it, but just know that I am aware and will try to do better going forward with this.
October 11, 2019 at 12:47 am #54711
Hi jsmith –
I only just got on line and saw your 3 emails, so I’m going to answer them one at a time in order.
About the feedback – what happened was that I had actually wrote you quite a long feedback email but then I deleted it because I realized that it just didn’t make sense for me to make opinions about things that could develop in so many different ways and that in actuality they had and that I had no knowledge what did transpire. On the other hand, I see your point of view that it would be difficult to write without acknowledgement. So what I think would be a good solution would be ( as you mentioned ) if something stands out to be utter abuse etc in which I would not need to hear about further developments I will mention it. But I personally believe that abuse can be so subtle that it sometimes can only be seen in context and in a pattern that develops. Actually now that I think about it, one author was saying that abusers actually use the method of pointing out specific incidents and saying that they are not a big deal ( and indeed the one incident really isn’t ) but that it is their strategy to try to make the victim seem to be over sensitive and the abuser does it by trying to get the abusive pattern overlooked. Anyway, I appreciate that you responded and I know that we both have the same intention of getting the issues sorted out.
October 11, 2019 at 1:13 am #54712
Hi jsmith –
In response to your last episode : I don’t see anything out of order from what you have described in this last episode. Essentially it sounds like you had an agreement that this was only a sexual partnering and was not something in which either of you wished to have a deeper involvement. I don’t think you were a “ dummy “ to share more though. Sexual intimacy is so personal that it would be extremely difficult to keep that aspect of one’s life totally separated from the rest. But that is just my personal opinion. I did hear that you made it clear that you did not wish to share more and told him so and that he agreed to respect that. But nature has her ways, so for whatever reason he wanted more than just sex and for whatever reason you went along with that. You regretted that you didn’t stick to your guns, yet it is such a natural part of life to share. So it will be interesting to see how things progress.
October 11, 2019 at 1:19 am #54713
Hi jsmith –
About the discrepancies etc. no prob. The heart remembers as a poet and not a mathematician. We are working together to get to the truth and to me that is not facts and figures. But I do appreciate your not wanting to get too far off either. I am quite optimistic that we will be making some great discoveries and new insights!
October 11, 2019 at 1:52 pm #54720
Thank you PS. That sounds like a plan 😉 I like you perspective of the Poet vs the Mathematician. I really don’t like math…so that is perfect!
Over the next few months we not only texted more…but we began to talk on the phone too. Instead of texting me in the mornings, he would call me on his way to work. He began calling me on his way home too and then eventually throughout the day so much that I had to purchase a bluetooth because holding the phone just got too tedious. We never failed to have something to talk about. Ever!
He eventually started sharing some things about his personal life/living conditions during these conversations. To my surprise…this guy was a lot more than what he appeared to be. A lot more!
At the beginning, when I had first gone over to his place, I didn’t ever see any signs of a girl. Granted the first meeting was short lived, but the second, third, fourth (etc) meetings were much longer and I was in his bathroom, in his bedroom and in the kitchen (you get very thirsty during these meetings) I noticed that there were no signs of a woman. Over time, however, there were more and more “girl” things. Hair bands, earrings, clothes, shampoo.
Now remember, he had a girlfriend. But if he had been dating her for 6 years, where was her stuff at the beginning and why was it slowly beginning to accumulate? I asked him about it at some point, he said she had been staying there a little more than before and she just had not taken it home.
I would say about 3 or 4 months in, so maybe August or so, during one of our long conversations he informed me that he was actually seeing another girl that he had met (before me, but I was not aware of her up to this point) and that he was slowly breaking things off with his girlfriend.
**Side Note – this is one of the timeline discrepancies…I said that when we first met he told he had a girlfriend that he was slowly trying to break up with …but it wasn’t at the beginning…it was a few months in.
Like I said, I didn’t know about the new girl, but the girl things in his apartment we hers…not girlfriends. This wasn’t something that I felt like was necessary for him to have lied to me about…or hide from me…so I was definitely curious and confused. I asked a lot of questions. He had met her the previous November (6 months before me) and they had really good chemistry. He wasn’t leaving the girlfriend FOR this “new” girl (new to me anyway) but he didn’t want to continue to cheat on his girlfriend (who lived about 45 minutes away…so she couldn’t just pop up on him very easily), so he wanted to let her down gently.
I need to add here that he explained to me that he has never been in love with anyone, but he loved his girlfriend more than he had loved anyone else in his (short 23 year) life.
Again, I’m confused as hell. He loves his girlfriend but he is letting this girl basically move in with him and he is breaking up with girlfriend so he can pursue this girl (who he says he doesn’t have feelings for…just good chemistry)?
He didn’t break up with gf right away. He wanted to make it smooth. A consistent theme throughout our time together. So as not to get them confused, I began calling his girlfriend “1” and I called the new girl “2”. This has remained her name (2) throughout our 6 year stint. I know her name, but I prefer to call her 2.
I didn’t care for the way she was presented to me and it left me with a very uneasy/questionable feeling about her. Still to this day that remains the same. So many things, that you will read about in the chapters to come, that didn’t add up. Didn’t make sense. And went against my better judgement of her/them/him/their situation.
2 was then and is still to this day was/is a HUGE source of our disagreements.
October 11, 2019 at 7:57 pm #54726
Hi jsmith –
Wow – that was a bomb. A lot to digest and try to make sense of. I’m going to contemplate it for awhile and get back to you when I have some clarity about this episode.
Blessings to you.
October 11, 2019 at 8:18 pm #54727
Hi again jsmith –
I was wondering if you would explain more about what you meant about a few things:
1. When you said that as he shared more and more, you discovered “ this guy was a lot more than what he appeared to be. A lot more. “ – what more did you find out about him that surprised you?
2. When you began to find “ girl things “ and when he told you about the “ really good chemistry “, and how to told about the love he had for his girlfriend #1 ), did you feel jealous?
Those answers would help me gain a better understanding of the situation. Thanks
Blessings to you.
October 11, 2019 at 9:35 pm #54728
Hi jsmith –
Sorry about all these posts in a row, but things have been occurring to me from your last post that are important. In your last post you said, “ 2 was then and is still to this day was/is a HUGE source of our disagreements “. That sounds like you are still in contact with him. Yet on September 30, you said that you are “ a week in” and that you were going to go to a narcissistic recovery group. I posted a clarifying post for you and stated that I understood you to mean that you were No Contact. There were some other posts alluding to the fact that you were No Contact. You did not correct these in the event that was not the case and if you did end up breaking the No Contact, you did not say so. The whole time I was responding to your story, I was under the impression that we were working on getting truth and clarity to what you had gone through in the past. It was my understanding that you were no longer in contact with your ex. But that is not the case.
October 16, 2019 at 1:15 am #54767SunnygalParticipant
jsmith- polestar has said you are still in contact with this guy. If you stay in contact, as jan has said, he will break you down until you are a shell of a person. For the sake of your children, I hope you go no contact with this guy.
October 17, 2019 at 11:27 am #54788
Sunnygal – What do you mean polestar has said I’m still in contact with this guy? When/where did ps say this? I had to communicate with him to get the rest of his things out of my house. That was it.
Sorry for not posting. I’ve had a little bit of a writers block. lol. I messed up the timeline a little as i have mentioned and i want to make sure to get it straight. I’ve been trying to go back over the events in my head to recall what was next. That was 6 years ago, so things can get a little hard to remember sometimes.
- This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by jsmith0820.
October 17, 2019 at 6:58 pm #54793SunnygalParticipant
jsmith- That is what she said in the last 2 sentences of her last post. If that is not correct, it would be good to explain.
October 18, 2019 at 7:54 am #54804
Ohh…I didn’t really catch that she said that. Looking at what she said I will say she misunderstood me…or maybe I just said it wrong. What I meant was for the entire time of our “relationship” she was a problem. Right up until the end. She was the basis of our final breakup. Or how he dealt with her was the basis of our final breakup.
I am no longer in contact with him.
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