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Getting past never receiving an apology

This topic contains 11 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Sunnygal 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #46857

    allison123
    Participant

    How did you come to terms with the things you were never validated on or given an apology for?

    I still have a lot of anger and hurt regarding some parts of my past relationship. When I found out my ex cheated on me, she spun the situation on me and called me a “evil conniving bitch” for reading her messages. It was my fault suddenly, but she’s the one who cheated. (And yes I know reading your SO’s messages is wrong, but she got to the point where she was hiding her phone from me and I was desperate.) I found that many of our arguments had this same pattern … she does something wrong, I’m hurt, and then suddenly I’m the bad guy for being upset.

    Any time I brought up my pain from her cheating, she got mad, and said to let it go. This happened over a year ago and I haven’t found peace about it because I never grieved it.

    How did you move past those situations where you never were validated in your experience?

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  allison123.
  • #46859

    angelstar
    Participant

    Sociopaths usually discard with out any closer, or validation, and never take any ownership for there actions, and they always look for a scapegoat. The only way to stop worrying about her is to stop blaming your self for what happened. Here is an article that might help its called Breaking the Betrayal Bond, it is similar to the trauma bond. https://omgrey.wordpress.com/2011/05/18/breaking-the-betrayal-bond/

    • #46893

      allison123
      Participant

      Angelstar, thank you for your encouragement. I will definitely check out this article. I think it will take some time to come to peace with so many things I never got an apology for – but perhaps the best way is to just let it go.

  • #46860

    emilie18
    Participant

    Sadly, you will never get an apology from her. In her mind she was totally justified in everything she did. She will never feel remorse. And, also sadly, your pain actually gives her validation. Expecting an apology is futile. It just feeds your grief. Letting go of that expectation is hard, I know. Angelstar is right – you need to get to a place where you can forgive yourself, stop taking on the blame and place it squarely where it needs to be — on her. I wish you the peace you deserve.

    • #46892

      allison123
      Participant

      Thank you for the encouragement. Trying to keep this perspective and remember it really doesn’t matter what she thinks or believes. It’s just very hard to regain my self-esteem that I lost along the way due to her blame-shifting and gaslighting.

  • #46874

    myjoy211
    Participant

    Hello.

    My name is Linda and I’ve been in an on and off again again relationship for over ten years with a man whom I have only recently have come to believe has a profound personality disorder.. From what I’ve learned so far, it seems to be along the lines of.. Antisocial.. Sociopathic. Narcissistic?

    Anyways it’s been a vicious cycle of misery and abuse and although I’ve gone no contact for years at a time.. We always seem to fall back into this nightmare relationship.

    We recently got back together after over a year year apart( he went west.. I stayed east coast)

    I had so much hope for the first time ever. Hes been clean for well over 12 months now.. Working.. helping me financially for the first time ever in our lives together.. Talking about being a family ( we have an 11 year old son). I allowed him to move in
    again ( we have not lived together since our so. Was 3) and for the very first time things felt so good. Right.I was so happy…

    But as we all know… the mask slowly started slipping..he’s incapable if naintaing this facade ( but was incredibly convincing)

    Twice this past week he flew into a rage which ultimately resulted in him becoming physically violent towards me. The first incident was a trial run I guess as he was angry and and yelling in the car and out of nowhere back handed me hard in the face… Causing me to see stars.

    The second incident was more familiar.. Flew into his rage and harassed me in our home for hours. Pushing. Threatening.. Pulling hair…screaming.. Calling me awful names. Taking my car keys.. My phone. Telling me to call the fucking cops. And .. Endlessly accusing me if being a liar. A cheat a whore.. Rehashing things from ten years ago. Restraining.. Spitting in my face breaking my things and leaving me covered in small cuts and bruises that won’t be noticed by most people.

    Perhaps the next question from some might be.. Whh? What made him rage like that?.. Why was I being punished.. What could I possibly have done?

    And this is the part of my story that is hardest for me to accept…that hurts way more than any of it.

    He asked me to go into his phone to get a contact from from his Facebook account. His phone was broken and he was out west trying to get make arrangements to get back home. He gave me his login info and I used my lap top to access his messenger account as he asked. While searching for this friend’s info I came across a message he had sent to his brother bragging about the how chic he had Fucked this chic and even including a link to some of the porn videos she had starred in… He ended the message by saying ” don’t tell my wife 🤣🤣🤣🤣.. I was hurt.. But I always knew he was a cheater so I didn’t say anything back then. I did however wind up bringing it up but only because he was getting back into his old habit of calling me a liar and a whore..( all delusional made up stuff) . And going on and on about how he never lies and was completely devoted to me while apart..
    I hit so fed up with his projections that I told him I knew what he had done.. Needless to say he was completely blind sided by thus as he is a master at manipulation and deceit… He couldn’t handle the idea that I had seen him for what he truly was..he had always made himself out to be the victim of exactly this behavior… While portraying him self as loyal and righteous… Honest.. Yea. Right

    I was hurt my the lies more so than the affair. But he was not having any of that.

    This is what I was being punished for… This was what justified his violence.

    I had ” betrayed his trust by finding out.. I was a smoking cun$ and how could I have dine this to him…? He called it ‘the ultimate betrayl of trust
    because he had needed me to do him a favor.. Wow..

    He made it very clear I had I had nothing to be mad or upset about. That he did nothing wrong and that I was not deserving in any way of any kind of apology..

    He has since continued to be angry at me for doing this to him ‘ and is already starting to believe his own lies actually making a point to tell me me how he isn’t a liarand a cheater like me.. Lol.. Must be nice in a sick way to be able to justify away away all responsibility.. And shame that the normal human being would be struggling with.

    Thanks for listening. I’m so lonely in my secret life. I really need a support group..

    Be well..

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  myjoy211.
    • #46891

      allison123
      Participant

      Linda, I’m so sorry about your situation. Hearing your story breaks my heart. I have found that No Contact is helping me the most of anything because it’s slowly breaking the attachment I have to my ex.

      It sounds like you have attempted No Contact before, but then you got hoovered back into the relationship. Don’t be too hard on yourself though… These people are highly manipulative and it really does take everything in you to resist sometimes. I’ve given into my ex before too and I wish I didn’t respond. All I can say is to do your best to get out of the relationship when you feel ready, and then do everything you can to maintain No Contact. I have found that the books Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot and Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas to be tremendously helpful. Keep coming on Lovefraud when you feel the urge to reach out, see a counselor, find a support group. Just realize that it’s like breaking an addiction, and it will be hard, but it WILL get better if you take steps in the right direction. Sending good vibes your way.

  • #46875

    myjoy211
    Participant

    Hello.

    My name is Linda and I’ve been in an on and off again again relationship for over ten years with a man whom I have only recently have come to believe has a profound personality disorder.. From what I’ve learned so far, it seems to be along the lines of.. Antisocial.. Sociopathic. Narcissistic?

    Anyways it’s been a vicious cycle of misery and abuse and although I’ve gone no contact for years at a time.. We always seem to fall back into this nightmare relationship.

    We recently got back together after over a year year apart( he went west.. I stayed east coast)

    I had so much hope for the first time ever. Hes been clean for well over 12 months now.. Working.. helping me financially for the first time ever in our lives together.. Talking about being a family ( we have an 11 year old son). I allowed him to move in
    again ( we have not lived together since our so. Was 3) and for the very first time things felt so good. Right.I was so happy…

    But as we all know… the mask slowly started slipping..he’s incapable if naintaing this facade ( but was incredibly convincing)

    Twice this past week he flew into a rage which ultimately resulted in him becoming physically violent towards me. The first incident was a trial run I guess as he was angry and and yelling in the car and out of nowhere back handed me hard in the face… Causing me to see stars.

    The second incident was more familiar.. Flew into his rage and harassed me in our home for hours. Pushing. Threatening.. Pulling hair…screaming.. Calling me awful names. Taking my car keys.. My phone. Telling me to call the fucking cops. And .. Endlessly accusing me if being a liar. A cheat a whore.. Rehashing things from ten years ago. Restraining.. Spitting in my face breaking my things and leaving me covered in small cuts and bruises that won’t be noticed by most people.

    Perhaps the next question from some might be.. Whh? What made him rage like that?.. Why was I being punished.. What could I possibly have done?

    And this is the part of my story that is hardest for me to accept…that hurts way more than any of it.

    He asked me to go into his phone to get a contact from from his Facebook account. His phone was broken and he was out west trying to get make arrangements to get back home. He gave me his login info and I used my lap top to access his messenger account as he asked. While searching for this friend’s info I came across a message he had sent to his brother bragging about the how chic he had Fucked this chic and even including a link to some of the porn videos she had starred in… He ended the message by saying ” don’t tell my wife 🤣🤣🤣🤣.. I was hurt.. But I always knew he was a cheater so I didn’t say anything back then. I did however wind up bringing it up but only because he was getting back into his old habit of calling me a liar and a whore..( all delusional made up stuff) . And going on and on about how he never lies and was completely devoted to me while apart..
    I hit so fed up with his projections that I told him I knew what he had done.. Needless to say he was completely blind sided by thus as he is a master at manipulation and deceit… He couldn’t handle the idea that I had seen him for what he truly was..he had always made himself out to be the victim of exactly this behavior… While portraying him self as loyal and righteous… Honest.. Yea. Right

    I was hurt my the lies more so than the affair. But he was not having any of that.

    This is what I was being punished for… This was what justified his violence.

    I had ” betrayed his trust by finding out.. I was a smoking [email protected] could I have dine thus to him…?

    He made it very clear I had I had nothing to be mad or upset about. That he did nothing wrong and that I was not deserving in any way of any kind of apology..

    He has since continued to be angry at me for doing this to him ‘ and is already starting to believe his own lies actually making a point to tell me me how he isn’t a kuar and a cheater like me.. Lol.. Must be nice in a sick way to be able to justify away away all responsibility.. And shame that the normal human being would be struggling with.

    Thanks for listening. I’m so lonely in my secret life. I really need a support group..

    Be well..

  • #46877

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Good you have found lovefraud. there is alot of good information here.

  • #46878

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Myjoy211, Sending you huge hugs!! 💜💜💜

    I was reading your post wondering if you are with my ex husband. It’s always shocking to read post that are very similar. I am so sorry that you are being abused physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally & finically by this evil man.

    YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THEN WHAT YOU ARE SETTLING FOR WITH THIS EVIL PERSON!! PLEASE KNOW THIS!!

    So glad that you are researching his horrible behavior which lead you here to this wonderful site, Lovefraud. You are a strong person to have the courage to post your story here today. This is a huge step out of your toxic abusive relationship hon, please know this!!

    The original term for these types of people was Morally insane (very telling term, much better then the new terms), then it was switched along the way to Sociopath & psychopath now the newest term is “Anti-sociol”.

    My ex could not be alone…he always had a large group around…so the term “anti social” does not fit him what so ever…but Morally insane…fits him to a T.

    Know that ALL sociopath & psychopaths are NARCISSIST also!!

    So your assumption of your mate is correct. He is either a sociopath narcissist or a psychopath narcissist. Either way, you are in a dangerous situation. He has shown to you that he will physically harm you. In addition, all of the mental games he plays with you is JUST as harmful to your body, mind & spirit.

    DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE BEING ABUSED MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, VERBALLY, FINANCIALLY & PHYSICALLY?

    Do you know that the bulk of domestic abuse is Emotional, verbal, mental & financial??

    My ex only got physical a few times…he knew exactly how far to push that limit. However, the mind games he played that literally broke me down were daily…and ever never ending.

    You state:

    “Anyways it’s been a vicious cycle of misery and abuse and although I’ve gone no contact for years at a time.. We always seem to fall back into this nightmare relationship.”

    They know exactly how to suck us back into their con game. They are masterful manipulators. They will use love bombing (positive words, loving words, gifts, touch etc), if that does not work they will use intimidation, if that does not work they will use name calling and other mental abuse to break our spirit down to make us feel like we will be alone & no one except this person will ever love us.

    You state:

    “…Talking about being a family ( we have an 11 year old son). I allowed him to move in
    again ( we have not lived together since our so. Was 3) and for the very first time things felt so good. Right.I was so happy…”

    This is part of their con game to get what they want from us. Your mate is no difference. This was part of the Love bombing stage. But sociopaths can not keep up the love bombing stage. They have no interest or capability to love. It’s all a con game. It’s all pretend. IT’s all used to get us back under their spell & grips.

    google: POWER & CONTROL WHEEL

    Read up on the cycle of abuse. It starts of honeymoon stage (love bombing stage), then tension building stage & then abuse. This cycle will be endless during a relationship with a sociopath. You are on a hamster wheel to no where ville. You & your son are just spinning around in this Cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse can happened hundreds of times during a abusive relationship. The cycle can happen many times during one day.

    I was in the same boat as you. Hoping “this time” after being abused he will learn from it and there would never be any kind of abuse again. I was wrong. I was just walking on egg shells everyday not to set him off…not to get abused over & over again.

    It became a habit not only for him abusing me, but also a habit for me just to accept the abuse too. I knew that the “good” guy would come back. He must have had a “really bad day”, or “I did something” so I need to change my behavior so not to set him off.

    I changed, but guess what the abuse still happened. I was constantly trying to do good for him. But I was continually mentally, emotionally abused. I had a light bulb moment during one of the last arguments we had. I tried to get away from him. As aways went to the bathroom. Shut the door only to have him (as always) push the door open. He sat on the tub, I put the toilet sit down & sat. I hide my phone so he would not break it (like he did another time). I was silent. He continued to yell at me trying to get me back under his spell (mind control).

    I thought to my self in that bathroom that day “he’s going to be nice again soon just be patient”. That was a moment looking back that I knew there was a cycle that happened. I was not educated. But after leaving and reading the Power & control wheel…it all made scene. His behavior my acceptance of his behavior. Like you, my ex blocked me from leaving the home or using my phone. I too was stuck in the cycle of abuse and you are stuck right now in his cycle of abuse wheel. You are accepting his abuse because you know the honey moon stage subconsciously is coming…but guess what is also coming…the tension building & the abuse stage!!

    Blocking you from leaving the home is his way of controlling you, so that the outside world (friends, family, neighbors) will not learn the truth. This is what your mate is doing to you when he blockades you from leaving the home.

    Like you, my ex would push me up against the wall, press his nose to me, and scream at me like a drill sergeant. I could see his veins in his forehead fill up with blood. I would try to tune him out during these hour long abusive temper tantrums of his. If I tried to walk away he would either push me against the wall or one time he picked me up and threw me on the ground. I had to go to the emergency doctor.

    I am glad that you see the truth with him. I am glad that you are asking for support. These are HUGE HUGE steps to leaving him for good!! You are no longer in denial…you no longer see that he will change.

    I would highly recommend the following:

    1) Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA 800-799-SAFE) AND GO TO YOUR LOCAL ABUSE CENTER ASAP!!

    to talk with a free counselor about a Domestic Abuse Exit & Safely plan out of this toxic abusive relations asap.

    2) Look at the “Forum” column here on Lovefruad and join Mary Ann Glenn’s support FREE group online.

    3) Do a search on Mary Ann Glenn here at Lovefraud

    4) Read the YELLOW box tab here on Love Fraud home page.

    5) Tell your most trusted friends & family what is going on in your relationship asap!!

    Do not be ashamed or embarrassed. You are not the one doing the abusing so you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Ask your friends & family to come here to love fraud & educate themselves so that they know EXACTLY what you are dealing with and who you are dealing with.

    Know that sociopaths will always create a “sociopath smear campaign” and also use “Sociopath smear campaign” against their mate, WHY? to prevent their mate from leaving…or if the mate has left…they will use these manipulate tactics to destroy the victims so that no one else finds out that they are a sociopath. Sociopath hate to be exposed to the world. Why? then their con game is up.

    6) Do a search on the Net on “domestic abuse Exit & safety plan”. Also with the words you tube

    BE SURE TO CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY EACH TIME YOU USE YOUR COMPUTER!! THIS IS FOR YOUR SAFETY!!

    7) Keep reading every thing here at love fraud to open your mind up from the brain washing & Mind control that your mate is doing to you. He is your cult leader & you are his cult follower. The more you read & analysis your relationship with this info..the more you open your mind up.

    8) Read the books:

    Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath by Donna Anderson (Lovefruad site creator) see book store up of LF

    One moms battle by Tina Swiften (do a search here on lovefrud for Tina and read Donna’s write up & videos with tina.

    PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE HON…WE HEAR YOU, WE BELIVE YOU & WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!

    KEEP REACHING OUT FOR HELP HON. Soon you will be free!!

    sending huge Hugs to you!! 💜💜💜

    Take care🌺🌺

    (all write more later)

    PLEASE KNOW THAT THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR A WOMAN IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP IS WHEN SHE IS EITHER ABOUT TO LEAVE OR HAS JUST LEFT.

    Please get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline & your local abuse center asap!!

    Bit your tongue right now…DO NOT tell him what you are leaning from this site…this is for your safety…do not fight with him…you will never win a fight…if you need to vent…come here and vent what you would want to say to him.

    Please know he will never change EVER!!

  • #46896

    slimone
    Participant

    allison123,

    The closure you seek comes with time and perspective. It is something you gain, and not something you get from anywhere outside of yourself. Kind of the ultimate test of our ability to soothe ourselves, and heal from the inside out.

    When I left the N, after I found out he had slept with numerous other women, he simply, 100%, disconnected from me. No apology, explanation, remorse. He started choosing new targets. He invited me to be his friend, as if this were the logical next step in our relationship. He moved on so easily, without a single tear and regret. To him I was now something in his past. I found out from someone who ran into him a few days after our split that he was talking about me as if I were someone from his distant past.

    Ouch.

    It is up to us to continually put these relationships into perspective. When I was feeling low, frustrated, angry, and sick of feeling bad, I would read anything I could to help my head and heart understand that I was OK, and that HE was the one who was disordered. I would make it more ‘clinical’, and do whatever I could to depersonalize the situation; understanding that what he did was NOT ABOUT ME. It was all about him.

    Same with your situation. You are whole (though beat to crap). She is broken and missing some serious pieces. She did what she did because she is sick, broken, and has no possibility of understanding who and what she is. Because of this she will never realize what she has done, and that she hurt you. She knows it intellectually, and it makes her feel powerful. But she CANNOT know it emotionally, and therefore doesn’t have any negative feedback to help her (as a whole human being) change her behavior.

    If you think about it what makes us change is our WHOLENESS; our emotional responses/information (joy, guilt, shame, anger, etc…), our intellect, and our body responses (fight or flight). When one of these is missing or impaired we do not make fully informed choices, and we don’t adjust in ways that are an improvement.

    She is missing essential elements that would allow personal insight, and a desire to change. Plus, what she does experience is power, and that only serves to reinforce her horrible behavior. She is an addict to her own feedback system, which floods her with adrenaline and other highly amplifying neurotransmitters.

  • #46906

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    People with no conscience don’t apologize.

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