He's back after 3 months / I need encouragement

[jaybirdParticipant]

My ex got married Dec 1st to someone he knew for 2 months. We had been together 8 years up to that point. I’d been trying to get away from him but never could do it. He’d cheat, do whatever, then he’d come back crying, saying how he loved me and things would be different; I’d take him back, then the next day or two it would be the same crap. This happened over and over.

Then, out of the blue he got married. Yes, it should’ve made it easier for me but it was still hard, even though I knew it would not get better with him. I would think “what they did is what we planned to do.” I would think how she was getting all the “love.” I was jealous, even though I knew it would not work with him and all the terrible things he had done to me.

So, it’s been 3 ½ months. I’ve been feeling so much better. I feel a sense of freedom that I’ve not felt in a very long time. I can actually make plans to do things that I want. I can spend time and money how I want. I can talk to who I want. I can be myself without being criticized.

My only hope was that someday I would hear from someone that he is the same with his wife that he was with me. That it wasn’t all me. Because this is some still part of me that thinks maybe it was, even after all I’ve read.

Then, last night I got a call then text from him. It was from a different number. I didn’t answer so he texted and said to call him, he needed my advice. I responded that it would not be appropriate because he is married. He responded “not for long.” He texted me for a bit more, saying that his “wife” was hearing him talk about me in this sleep, that he still loved me, etc. Then I blocked him.

I’ve been inside my head ever since. Remembering the few good times. Trying to reason with myself about how this could work, like I would do before. I slept terrible, dreamt all night, very restlessly. My thoughts are racing. I keep telling myself to stay the course I am on. I am feeling better and each day it will get better. I don’t know what to compare this too, PTSD, a drug addiction?? The racing thoughts are driving me crazy! I thought if I wrote about this and got it out of my head it would help. Maybe someone out there can encourage me. I have to get through this!

• This topic was modified 4 months ago by  jaybird.

[SunnygalParticipant]

As slimone has said, their motivations for interacting with others are totally different from ours. they are not motivated by the instinct to build relationships. they are motivated by personal gain. period.

[kris922Participant]

i think you should focus on how far you’ve come in 3 months. you’re feeling better – you can be yourself. that you even know what it feels like to be yourself is an accomplishment. don’t let him back in – he is doing what all the articles and comments say on this site. his supply dried up and he needs you to fill his needs but only while it serves him.
it is PTSD especially after 3 years – i feel it, the waves of panic when he says theres another one, the jittery days where you feel like you cant get through but you have to, never getting any solace. i know how it feels in the moment to have him quiet everything that is a riot inside you. but it only ever lasts for a moment.

no contact is the key – keep focusing on yourself, you dont need him and eventually someone worthy of you will come along, but not if this other one is still taking up space in your life. the past has rose colored glasses on – the future is much brighter

[angelstarParticipant]

I would say do your best to not take the bait and fall for that guy again, he will never change. Sociopaths are pure evil.
Getting the sociopath out of your head

• This reply was modified 4 months ago by  angelstar.

[SunnygalParticipant]

If you take him back, you’re getting on the downward elevator to self-destruction. that’s how it is.

[fooled1Participant]

Hi ,
what worked for me was a conscious effort to have no contact , i.e. change phone numbers , do not answer phone unless I knew who it was . Ultimately it was about my decision to stop providing means of access to my space /time .

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