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Getting the sociopath out of your head

Not long ago, I heard from a woman whom we’ll call “Rochelle.” When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.

He poured on the charm, and Rochelle felt like finally, after more than 30 years, she had her chance to be with the guy she always wanted. Rochelle left everything to move out of state with him. They eventually married.

Well, he lied, fabricated, manipulated, accused, took her money, ruined her credit, filed for divorce behind her back, and left her with nothing. It was the type of behavior we all know so well—sociopathic behavior.

Rochelle realizes that the guy is disordered; she was exploited; he never loved her. Still, she wants him. Yet she also realizes that she’s in love with a person who does not exist.

She asks, “When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?”

Scope of the question

The first thing to understand is the scope of this question. “Getting the sociopath out of my head” is the ultimate goal of everyone who has been betrayed by one of these predators. Once you’ve achieved it, you’ve achieved full recovery.

So cut yourself some slack. This individual probably crashed through your life like a battering ram. Your emotions, finances, home, health and/or psyche may all be in splinters. This is going to take time to repair. If anyone says to you, “Just get over it,” this person has no idea what you’re experiencing.

Understand what happened

You were probably blindsided by this experience, so in order to move forward, you need to understand what happened. We have lots of material here on Lovefraud to help you. Many people have told me that my two books, Love Fraud and Red Flags of Love Fraud, were especially helpful.

Here are some key concepts:

  • Sociopaths exist. They are social predators and they live their lives by exploiting people. They do not feel remorse for their actions, and they will never change.
  • The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life. Or, the sociopath messed with you simply for the fun of it.
  • There is nothing you could have done to make the sociopath treat you any better. The involvement was always about exploitation. You were probably targeted because you were good, caring, giving, responsible, and in some way, vulnerable.
  • The blame for what happened rests squarely with the sociopath. This person lied to you, manipulated you and betrayed you. You were guilty only of being human.

Acceptance

Recovering from sociopaths is a process. The key to the process is accepting what happened. This does not mean that you excuse what happened, or that you try to forgive and forget. But you must believe that yes, he or she did it, and yes, the sociopath knew what he or she was doing.

You can’t make time go backwards. You can’t take back the things you said or did that enabled the sociopath to become part of your life.

Once you come to terms with the fact that yes, it did happen, you begin the healing process.

Addictive relationship

In the case I described at the beginning of the article, Rochelle said that she still wanted the sociopath. This is not quite accurate. The truth is that she was addicted to him.

Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. They actually cause chemical and structural changes in the brain, similar to what substance addictions do. Therefore, you need to treat leaving the sociopath like kicking an addiction.

The way to do this is to have no further contact with this individual—no phone calls, no email, no text messages. Certainly do not meet the person. Don’t even go to the individual’s Facebook page.

If you must have contact with the individual for some reason—like you have a child together—do your best to implement Emotional No Contact. That means you remain absolutely neutral in any interaction. Sociopath love to get emotional reactions from their targets, and will do whatever they can to engage you. Do not take the bait.

Staying away from the sociopath can be really difficult. But the longer you stay away, the stronger you’ll become. If you give in and have contact, you’ll have to start all over again..

Processing the pain

This was not a normal relationship, and it’s not a normal break-up. Even if you weren’t physically or sexually assaulted, you suffered massive emotional and psychic injuries. You have losses that need to be grieved, including your loss of trust.

I believe that you must allow yourself to feel the pain of the experience, although you may not be able to do this right away. In the beginning you may just be numb. This a protective measure taken by your psyche, because the injury is just so massive.

Eventually, you need to let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle the pain up within you. It will either poison your life, or it will make you ill. You must get the pain out of your system.

Cry your eyes out. Stomp you feet in anger. Take up boxing and hit a punching bag. It’s scary at first to face your own anger, embarrassment, rage, humiliation—whatever the sociopath caused. But allow yourself to feel the emotions, honor them, and then let them go.

Let joy into your life

Draining the negative emotions will leave an energetic void within you. How do you fill the empty space? You allow joy into your life.

Any kind of joy will do: Enjoying a sunny day, letting your pets comfort you, having coffee with a friend, letting a waitress be nice to you. Soak up any joy and pleasantness that you encounter.

As you drain the negative emotions, and replace them with instances of joy, you’ll slowly change your perspective. Gradually, you’ll find that the sociopath is no longer renting space in your head. And that’s what you want to achieve.


Comment on this article

561 Comments on "Getting the sociopath out of your head"

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Donna, thank you for this article and I hope that Rochelle begins a strong recovery. I needed to read this, (AGAIN) right now.

“Let joy into your life” Thank you for this. I deserve to feel joy and contentment. I deserve to be loved and to love others – I’m not talking about romantic love, but agape.

Thank you for posting this and brightest, brightest blessings

The addition of a pet really did help me. My most beloved dog died during my time with the sociopath. On top of all the abuse I was devastated by her loss. I kept telling myself “wait a while”, don’t get entangled with a new puppy until life is more stable. It just never happened because my life was in shambles.

It was my oldest adult son who brought a puppy back into the family. I fell in love the first time I saw him and it wasn’t long before son was bringing him to my house two or three days a week for me to ‘babysit’ while he works. He’s almost a year old now and I can honestly say he’s my best buddy. It doesn’t hurt that he’s also an oversized pitbull and seems hard-wired to be my great protector. (In a good way. He isn’t the least bit mean.)

So yes, if you are able, get a pet. You get all the companionship plus it really does force you, in the midst of all that depression, to get up and do things.

DawnG, pets provide agape love. They don’t have an “agenda” except to be fed and loved back. But, they don’t concern themselves with core issues, exploitation, or backstabbing. Pets love us regardless of how we might view ourselves. They don’t see fat, thin, scarred, blind, deaf, or any other challenge. They only see us as a source of love and return that love, unconditionally.

Brightest blessings

Bringing Joy back into your life is important and sometimes very difficult when we are depressed and the devastation of a psychopathic relationship does bring depression (and/or PTSD) so finding that “Joy” may be very difficult under the pall of blackness produced by the pain, but it is very important.

Start small, like Dawn with baby sitting her son’s dog, or just noticing a flower or a color, or the taste of a favorite food and ENJOY it and before you know it you will have joy in your life again.

Being grateful….just counting your blessings when you feel like you don’t have any “blessings”—I made a list of my blessings, and started with very BASIC things that we don’t always notice, but take for granted. We have clean water to drink by turning on a tap…many millions of people in this world don’t have access to clean water, so it is a BIG blessing. We have an education, and so many people have none. What a blessing that education is because it allows us to get on a computer and contact others here at LF, and we have food, etc. etc. so if you sit down and make out a list of your blessings, you realize that you ARE TRULY BLESSED. Read it over and add to it daily as you think of new blessings that you had taken for granted.

Read up lifting things…think about uplifting things, and best of all, SING! There is no way you can be sad when you SING!

OxD, there are so many steps in recovery, and the first and most powerful step is “No Contact.” From that one difficult decision comes healing and recovery, I believe.

I’ve mentioned that I’ve been experiencing very disturbing dreams, lately, and other possible PSTD reactions. But, even with these issues to manage, I’m okay. At some point, unabandoned joy will sneak in and surprise me.

Although it’s been a long year, it’s resulted in an avalanche of “good” experiences in that I’m learning about myself and finally (at long last) beginning to feel that I’m recovering. But, it’s not the kind of recovery that is immediately obvious. I didn’t wake up, last week, and “feel” suddenly better.

Singing…..I used to sing and play instruments and I haven’t done that in years upon years. After I left the first exspath, I briefly began expressing myself by singing, and that went by the wayside when the second exspath barreled into my life. Time for me to Do Something that I enjoy. And, it doesn’t cost anything to open my mouth and release my voice, right? LOL

Brightest blessings

Oxy:

Amen! We ARE blessed. Thanks for mentioning clean water. That is something we so take for granted. Thank you.

Donna,

I know what you mean about it being an addiction and having to start over. Through this all I turned pretty heavily to alcohol to cope with the stress. So I’ve been having to kick 2 addictions simultaneously. I’ve been quite successful with both the past couple months(with him out of my life the stress has been cut down and so has the drinking) so decided a couple nights ago that I felt strong enough to for for some wine at a girlfriends. Well letting myself get out of control and talking about my ex got me feeling angry and sad so I called him when I got home late that night….he didn’t answer of course…then sent a few texts saying things like “Pick up the phone lets have a calm discussion” No response, so I am back to square one feeling stupid and powerless. He’s ignoring me?? I feel foolish. Rebuilding today.

I realize that these two addictions go hand in hand. Drinking makes me want to contact him, and being in contact with him makes me want to drink. Its such a vicious cycle. Today I called the phone company and blocked outgoing calls as well.

Its hard. All of this.

Truthspeak,
I hear that singing is an excellent way to bring joy to our lives. Sonia Choquette on HayHouse radio (http://www.hayhouseradio.com/index.php) says that singing raises our vibration & that alone can change our mood from negative/depression into positive/joy & gratitude. Do-Re-Mi!

serenity12:

Ooooh, no! I am so sorry you contacted him, but I did it many times so I know what it’s like. Yes, I guess he is ignoring you just like mine ignored me. So yes, now you are starting from square one again. It blows. So sorry. 🙁

Rrrrgggghhhh!!! Hopefully I’ll get back to where I was faster this time….

serenity12:

Yes, each time it gets faster and faster. Good luck and blessings to you.

Serenity,
stay strong. Good choice blocking both incoming and outgoing. Sometimes we have to set restrictions on ourselves!

You know, the thing that helped with me, was that I recorded many of our parting conversations and whenever I felt the need to be SLIMED AGAIN, all I needed to do was listen to them. Plenty of slime there. No need for actual contact.

Remember, he isn’t real, so any emotions you present to him, he will just gobble them up and relish the pain you felt.

I believe DawnG is right about pets. I brought my beautiful cat in Remy into my life when I was out of work and about to lose my home and feeling so desperate after having to go through the process of getting over the N and even realizing that the aftermath of that messed up relationshit probably had something to do with the set up that caused me to lose my job.

I brought my sweet dog Raijin into the mix last February when I was just starting my chapter 13 and getting settled into my new job. These two boys are my whole entire life. They give the most unconditional love I have ever felt in my entire life. I can talk to them and cry to them and they just cuddle with me. I love having two guys so utterly thrilled to see me when I come home from a rough night at work. They have been there with some of the emotional stuff I’ve had to go through with the current person in my life.

It took me from May of 2009 to fall of 2010 to feel like I was over the N. Since then, I’ve learned so much about my sensitive nature and how it has caused me difficulty in my life and in relationships and left me vulnerable to spaths. Even though I am still upset about my weight and how to deal with the old issues that have me using it as a defense mechanism, I feel like I am right where I’m supposed to be and I feel comfortable this way.

I realized that in all my relationshits in my past that not only was I cheated on, but there is something in common with all those. They were way too intense and moved too fast. I always think about the old joke, “What do lesbians bring on a second date?—a UHaul!” Every relationship was way too much intensity too fast and then it was hard to put the brakes on. That would bring out some of the less desirable parts of my character. Due to my fear of abandonment from childhood I would hang on too tight and get too clingy and I think it made things much worse.

I was so conditioned to move fast and was so used to the intensity that turned into drama that it felt completely normal to me and I began to expect it all the time. With my current situation it made me want to rush things to move too fast and have it be like all my prior experiences before. I have people tell me that I need to try to get out and date out lesbians instead of trying to be with someone who’s questioning. But they don’t understand that for the first time, moving really slow seems really normal for me. I keep thinking-this must be how normal relationships are, considering I can’t call any of my prior relationshits normal.

I still have a profile out on match.com but I rarely ever get on there. Suddenly I started getting emails saying that certain people showed interest in me and that feels good but it gives me anxiety. I don’t respond to them and don’t want to. I feel safe right now and normal for the first time. I also found the St. John’s Wort, which makes me feel even more normal. My emotions were out of control due to just being highly sensitive and adding premature menopause to the mix. I’m not crying over the least little thing or having panic attacks anymore. I was overanalyzing her behavior all the time and being afraid that something was wrong, when everything was just fine. First the first time in my whole life I know what it feels like to feel calm and can say that I feel calm.

Elizabeth, I understand the anxiety with trying to date again. I am not planning on doing the online thing when I’m ready to get out there.

A friend set me up on a date a couple nights ago(I was reluctant) and he was great and there were NO red flags but I found myself comparing him to my ex spath too much….clearly I’m not ready to date as you may read above I made a stupid drunken phone call to the spath the next night…

But for me, I want to be healthy and feel that I love and trust myself enough before I give myself to other people in that way again. I have faith that I will trust again and that I will find qualities such as my date the other night displayed (listened, didn’t talk about himself, good family, came from a reliable source) attractive instead of what I was attracted to in my ex spath…. And I found myself thinking about this new date: “he’s not edgy enough” and “He’s not sexy and smooth like I’m used to”

But I realized that’s what got me into trouble in the first place but I still feel like I AM attracted to my ex spath on some level….I just don’t want to be.

I’m glad you feel calm. It’s ok to take it slow(at least that’s what I’ve learned I am a rookie to this whole thing) Its nice to read into the future on this site a little bit… Thank you.

Serenity-It’s good not to do the online thing. I don’t want to do it either. It’s better for me to be in a situation where I know I have to take it slow to keep from scaring her. I feel like this his how normal people have relationships. It is true what you said about comparing your date to the spath. A non spath is not going to seem “exciting or intense” like the spath did, but is probably what got you in the mess to begin with. After awhile you will realize that your spath isn’t a real person and that attraction will fade. When I was going through it I never thought I would get over him but I did and I am in a situation now that is SO totally opposite of the one before. I can’t even stop saying enough how “normal” things feel. I always thought I could never have a normal relationship. Normal is very calming. Slow is very calming. I’m not saying I don’t feel intensity at all, but it’s different than before. I definitely feel something when we’re snuggled up on the couch under a blanket watching a movie but I just have to deal because she has to make the first move or make it absolutely crystal clear to me that she wants ME to do it. The closeness just feels good and even though I want something more, it’s ok right now just the way it is.

Awww… that’s so cute Donna.

It is ironic that spaths will bring home stray animals. It’s because they use animals and children as part of their mask.

The first time he used an animal, it was in a story. He said that he had stopped to help an injured bird and took it to the vet, that morning on the way to work. Consequently, he was late and got fired. Then he railed about how unfeeling his boss was. HE wasn’t like that! I thought he was the most compassionate man EVER!

Later he would carry pictures of my cats with him.
Once, he explained, “When I walk into a restaurant, I’m just a regular Joe Blow. Then, when I open my computer and the waitress sees the picture of Dillon, EVERYTHING CHANGES!”

Dillon is one of my cats.

I think another reason he made sure that I had lots of animals was so that I couldn’t leave him. When one died, he’d replace it very quickly. I had 5 cats when I left him and I took all 5 with me.

“The sociopath never loved you. You were targeted because you had something he or she wanted. It could have been money, sex, a place to live, business connections or cover for his or her secret life.”

We should all make refrigerator magnets out of this point.

I was simply cover for a secret life. The best way to recover? Lead a full open, honest life, helping others whenever possible, not exploiting them.

Everyday my dog slept in my bed with my spath and I, he(the spath but I’m sure the dog felt the same way) would YELL “GET DOWN” and say “he shouldn’t be on the bed”…(he’s a little cute well behaved cock-a-poo) since he’s been gone, my dog is SO GRATEFUL and wakes me up every morning crawling onto my chest growling/howling so softly and patting me with his paws, digs his nose into my neck and makes me laugh every day before I even open my eyes….how great is that!!

What a much better feeling then the anxiety I woke up beside my ex everyday….

Serenity…My x didnt have a problem with my dog’s sleepin in my bed, because I told him from the get go ”if you have a problem sleepin with dog’s you know were the couch is”..
I am so happy your little friend is back in your bed and that asshole is gone…sleep well…

Thanks Moon Dancer! Just another living thing that loser made me feel guilty over….thank god pets, family, and true friends have unconditional love for us….

Thank you, Donna…..

Why are children and animals used in this way? Is it part of an act?
My pets were used in this way, and after he was long gone, my pets still remain with me. My pets were a part of my recovery and we now all live together without the dramas of our previous life. We have something he could never have lived up to – loyalty.

Although we all know that NC is the best way to getting over the s path, it is very important to be reminded. Thank you for this, Donna.

I fully appreciate the distinction between “wanting” and “being addicted to” the s path. I was addicted. Even though I was not happy in the relationship, I craved it. Even though I knew it was bad for me, I could not stay away. Only gradually and with a force of will and discipline was I able to wean myself away.

I also identify with “Rochelle”. Even now, after a significant period of no contact, I still find myself hoping the s path will write or contact me. There is still this hope inside that I saw it all wrong, that it was my fault, and that she will “come around” and appreciate me as a person rather than someone to be used. But I always remind myself that this is an illusion.

NC has been the only way to gain clarity and control. Every day I face the temptation to send her an email, but with each passing day the desire fades a little bit, and I am grateful for that.

Littlewings, animals and children are all part of the illusion that they want to create. When the exspath left, there were 9 cats and one dog. When he came to collect his personal belongings, he took one cat that he claimed was “his.” Fine. It was painful to let her go, but it was one less mouth to feed. And, considering that he didn’t provide food or medical care for “his” cat or the elderly dog that he claimed to have loved so very much, it was further confirmation that he only does what he thinks will benefit him.

Today, I have 4 cats. I found homes for four of the cats, one passed away at 26 years of age peacefully, and surrounded by all of us in his own home. Yesterday, I had to take one of the cats that the exspath found, brought home, and subsequently abandoned for emergency surgery that I obviously cannot afford. The clinic is willing to accept payments, thank goodness.

My personal belief is that spaths surround themselves with pets because it’s a desperate attempt to fill up the void of emotion in their own warped makeups. Animals provide acceptance, even of sociopaths. The exspath typically forgot to feed pets or clean litter boxes – those responsibilities were left up to me and he would whine and complain when he was asked to attend to the pets. The colleague’s girlfriend actually “forgot” to feed their dog for 4 days, in a row, and had the nerve to adopt ANOTHER dog. As much as children are precious to source targets, so are pets. In lieu of children, pets will always fill in nicely to act as “children” in spath entanglements. Eeeeeugh….

Brightest blessings

OFF TOPIC: Donna, I loved the photos! Was that a sugar-glider that I saw? Cute, cute, cute…..

Lebo, the feeling of having “gotten it all wrong” is simply cognitive dissonance. Because we wouldn’t deliberately target someone for our own personal gain and abandon them follows that anyone that we would care about and love would reciprocate. In The World Of Spath, the spath doesn’t respond as WE would, so we try to fit their behaviors and choices into OUR flawed systems of beliefs to make the truth less painful to process. Cog/diss is a given – it is recognized by the psych communities as a defined coping mechanism. And, it takes some serious work to sort out those flawed beliefs so that the cog/diss doesn’t create self-blame.

Brightest blessings

I needed to read this again too because I actually thought of wishing my ex a merry christmas, it’s the old addiction factor, I then told myself “do you really want to open that can of worms again cuz that’s what will happen” No I don’t I guess I just missed those miliseconds where I felt special and loved by another person even if I know now it’s not true!! Oxdriver Thank you for your Beautiful response, bringing even the smallest Joy back into my life helps and my “furbabies” keep me loved and busy so I don’t think of him, they helped save my life!! Elizabeth Barnett I too was coping with menapause and a spath relationship, I get what you mean about “moving fast” I was the same also, now things have to crawl at a snails pace, someone showed interest in me too and I totally freaked out and it sent me backwards, then I realized I don’t have to go out with this person or even talk/text more than I can handle, I am in charge of my life now!!!So many good responses here!!! Lovefraud played a HUGE part in my realization of the spath and helping me to cope and move on!! Thanks everyone here!!

Truthspeak,
It would be more understandable if the spaths had just targeted us for their own personal gain, but they didn’t. Instead, the aim was to destroy everything we had and leave us with nothing. It’s a malicious need to destroy wealth so that we can’t have it.

Funny that you said, your spath took one cat. My spath also asked if he could at least take one cat.

HA! No F—ing way! It only just occurred to me why he wanted her: For part of his mask.

Frandee, here’s wishing YOU a “Merry Christmas,” and TOWANDA for your recovery!

Skylar, you’re spot-on. I’m so farking broke that I can’t afford to pay attention, and I keep watching my woodpile shrink with no relief in sight to purchase another cord. But, guess what? I’m going to be okay, even if it huts!

The spath took the one cat that he turned from a sweet and loving feline into an irritable and annoyed cat. He used to torment her with his feet to make her “play,” and I would constantly tell him that nobody wants to have a cat target their feet as something to attack. “I’m just PLAYING with her!” he would respond, and I would counter, “No, you’re tormenting her and making her irritable. Use a cat toy to play with her.” Sure enough, every time he would walk past her, she’d launch herself at his ankle to “play.”

Similarly, he would startle the cat that he brought home. That poor cat is inbred and tends to be hyper in his reactions. I would nearly BEG him not to do this, and he would always respond with the same thing, “I’m just PLAYING with him.”

UGH……….I hope “his” cat shreds his eyelids in his sleep, some night!

Brightest blessings!

I say it all the time, mine took me to school on what can happen when you meet someone from the internet. Unknown to him, I knew him many years ago. I will move heaven and earth to keep him from my children. Period. Thanks Ross Wood for nothing.

I too have been guilty of longing for the “love” she showed me before evicerating me financially, emotionally, legally and spiritually. And yes, I have reached out to her in an attempt to “get her back” even though she has done this to countless men. My wounds are deep and do not feel like they are healing. And somehow she has manipulated the legal system to win every court battle and position herself as the victim.

Denisec900, I would be very, very cautious about using someone’s legal name on ANY internet site that accuses them of crimes and sins. I don’t type this as a reprimand or scolding, so I hope that you don’t interpet it in that way. It is for self-protection against LEGAL actions that I do not use the exspath’s first or last name.

Garfy4321, spaths typically manipulate everything from legal systems to social agencies. They do. And, the more we squawk about what they’ve done and what they continue to do, the easier it is for them to pain their source targets as lunatics. Seriously. And, it’s no easy task to separate the visceral emotional reactions to their manipulations from the whole mess.

If you are really feeling that you’re stuck and not recovering, I would strongly urge you to consider engaging in strong counseling therapy with someone that “gets it.” You can obtain a list of qualified professionals by calling your local domestic violence hotline. Yeah, it may seem “extreme,” but these hotlines have a HOST of resources at their fingertips.

To find resources in your area, you can visit http://www.ndvh.org and explore options that will assist you on your Healing Path.

Brightest blessings

EDIT ADD: Denisec900, I have accumulated voluminous documentation that the exspath allegedly commited what amounts to a Federal Crime. Since he has not been charged with any crime, I cannot legally use his given name without facing serious legal consequences.

Thanks Donna (once again) for this site and the invaluable information you post! I have bookmarked this link so I have easy access to read and re-read over and over again as knowledge truly is the path to healing.

I’d like to add a few “strategies” I use to remove my ex-spath from my brain/thinking which I hope will be beneficial to others recovering from a relationship with a spath:

1) Focus on the FACT that you are incredibly lucky/fortunate/blessed to have this illness REMOVED from you life.

2) Focus on the FACT that you are incredibly lucky/fortunate/blessed to KNOW what/the type of “person” you were in a relationship with for however many of years. Think about the spath relationship survivor who doesn’t gain this knowledge/insight into what really happened and think about how that poor person will be in a constant, most likely never ending cycle of trying to make sense out of the senseless which we all know is impossible.

Thanks Donna. This is great! No one else can understand the extent of the devastation, and worse, the meaninglessness of it all! You put is so beautifully… More strength to you! I found joy in reconnecting with my sisters, parents, old school friends with whom I exchange lots of fun text messages and emails everyday…and I am so surprised that there is laughter and sunshine in life! Before I knew what I was dealing with (i.e., psychopathy) I was so caught up in his crazymaking for 20 years that there was no room in my life for anyone or anything else except misery, disbelief, shock,dismay etc etc! Just knowing that one word (his diagnosis) changed my life, and I consider it my second birth after 20 years of constant torture…And must mention Donna, you are SUCH an inspiration! You are a blessing to victims worldwide..In fact, I wonder what we could do for you in return for all you do..

Donna, I actually squealed over the uber-cuteness of the sugar-gliders. Out loud, and by myself, I squealed!

Stronger, one thing that we can do is to contact our local colleges and universities and strongly suggest Donna as a seminar speaker and provide her contact information.

The reason that I make this suggestion is that I was never taught that there were predatory human beings, except for those in prison. Criminals were “bad people,” but a pastor, spouse, or sibling was NEVER to be considered predatory.

Getting the facts out about predators is KEY in facilitating changes in our culture and society. If enough noise is made about how our society is tolerating and PROMOTING sociopathy (Jersey Shore & Teen Moms?) as acceptable and entertaining, changes will occur. Not overnight, to be sure, but Donna is an expert at educating people about recognizing “Red Flags” and recovering from spath entanglements.

Without sounding over-the-top, I owe this site my life. And, that’s no exaggeration. Without this site, I wouldn’t have had the knowledge to recognize that my marriage had been a complete fraud when I discovered what the exspath had been doing. I likely would have rolled over, let him continue his behaviors, and either died by actual poisoning, or by proxy. Donna put her story out there and opened up herself for the scrutiny that we’ve all experienced, “How could you NOT have known?” She put it out there and saved herself, first, and me, next.

I’m getting choked up about this, even as I type. So, get the word out in any way that you can. Call universities and colleges. Call Law Enforcement agencies.

Brightest blessings of gratitude and peace

onewomansvoice4change

This is such a great article! Thanks so much for writing it, you have helped me so much in understanding and recovering from my own experience with a sociopath. I have quoted and sited your article in my own story, feel free to check it out http://dangersofcouchsurfing.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-dangers-of-couchsurfing.html#!/2012/11/the-dangers-of-couchsurfing.html

Life is Good….

Thankyou for the reminder of how FORTUNATE I am to be OUT of harm’s way, and awake to the reality of spaths! I am truly grateful for this. But it did take me some time to ‘connect’ with my awakening in this way.

It is such a painful process….it takes time to feel the sheer happiness of being away from BAD bad people- and the serenity of knowing you have tools for creating the kind of life you really wanted all along.

Slim

Hello Everyone!

This article is very timely for me. I have been boo-hooing the fact of why I am still allowing this woman to rent space in my head. Not all the time. And not when I realize my thoughts. I can and do immediately put a spotlight on what the hell I am doing, and change my thoughts. Nevertheless, she will pop into my mind when I least expect it. I am sick this week with a cold. Defenses down, feeling needy, I wanted to creep around her email, just to see what she is up to. I called my leaning post, my compass North, and I told her what I wanted to do. She sternly said, “Oh no you won’t! Don’t you dare do it!” Then we both laughed, and I talked to her about my feelings. I feel so proud of myself for not taking the low road. Most of the time I don’t think about her. It does get better. I am now at seven months NC.

I too adopted a cat a couple of months ago. He has become such a source of comfort for me. And, I feel safer in my home with him here. How can an 11 lb ball of fluff keep me from feeling the urgent need to do a ‘safe check’ as soon as I enter my home? He is lovely and amazing.

Thank you all for sharing your experience, srength and hope. I want to live happy, joyous and free. I want to show up for myself. I AM my most truthful and loving advocate. I will not ever settle for less than I do know I am worth. And I have a lot to be grateful for. And I am a singer! Music resides in my heart and soul.

Blessings of love and joy to you all,
Elizabeth

It would be interesting to do a survey and find out how many “victims/targets” are animal oriented people. I’m a vet tech. Animals have been a big part of my life forever. Is it because we seem to be very compassionate and caring individuals and help an animal in need? My guess is, yes. The spaths x wife was also a vet tech. He really seemed to like my cats but, my dogs…not so much. Of course, my cats were all over him and sitting on his lap all the time. I think it made him feel like some kind of king holding court. The thing that is helping me the most after 7 months nc with only one minor slip is I keep telling myself that he is technically insane and do I really want an insane person (with no chance of being normal) in my life any longer with all the grief? The answer in a resounding NO.

Of course. Only caring people like pets (GENUINELY like them; not just using a pet for smoke and mirrors) in my opinion. The spath I knew actually said, “I’m too selfish for pets” when I asked him if he had a dog (I think I said dog…I may have just asked him if he had a pet; can’t remember).

He wanted me to know what he was. I heard, but I didn’t really “listen.”

I need help. I am in what I am sure is a relationship with a sociopath. I have lost everything. Most importantly myself. I do not know how to end this horrible and vicious game he plays with me. I am constantly at fault for everything. I am mean, and he tells me constantly I have ruined his life. I have given him everything. He either loves me with the most passionate outrageous love or he antagonizes me until I can’t stand it any longer. I know I don’t deserve this, but I don’t know what to do. I need support and would be so grateful for any help.

Hello everyone….this is Rochelle that this article referenced. It has been such a hard road for me, but I and making progress, thanks to Donna, her books, and all of you. I can also tell you that within one month after my divorce became final, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. So here I was, in a strange city, not knowing many people and diagnosed with a life threatening disease. I called my spath for help. He turned me down. This is when the term ‘inhuman’ came to mind. I am a forgiving person. I tried everything within my power to forgive. I cannot. And realized that’s OK. He hurt me terribly when we were teenagers, and he told me he knew that and it was time to make up for it.
I survived 4 surgeries since August, 3 of them very major. At this point in time, I am cancer free. I am glad my spath is out of my life. I need to heal. I am trying my best. I have a job I love and 2 wonderful adult children. In spite of it all, I am blessed. I am searching, hoping, praying for the day I feel joy again. Thank you all for your support

freein2013, welcome to Lovefraud. You came to the right place. I love your name. It’s a sign that you’re going to be fine.

What you describe so concisely sounds exactly like, at minimum, an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. It sounds like you’ve already figured out that it’s not going to get better. You’ll get a lot more practical advise from other people. And they will jump in within the next day. But meanwhile, I agree that you don’t deserve this. But add something else that you already know, that you can’t control his behavior.

What you can do something about is your behavior. You don’t give a lot of detail about the complication that may be holding you back from leaving. But whatever they are, you need to exit from that toxic environment as soon as you safely can. If you need permission or encouragement to do this, consider it given. This is bad for you, and you and your whole life will be better when he’s out of it.

Now, I’ll leave you to the many wise people here on Lovefraud to help you deal with the details. I send you compassion and strength and believe in your own future. You will be okay.

Kathy

The most difficult issue I had in dealing with in the aftermath of my relationship was the addiction part. Even understanding the whys and hows of just how my brain had been rewired by this bitch was no help….All you really need to know is that you were set up, lied to, manipulated, and betrayed by a professional con artist…..Other than that, time will heal all……as well as a good understanding friend you can trust……

Kathy, thank you. I am a shell of myself. He has lied and cheated in every way possible. I have been alienated from my family and friends all in the name of love. A sick sick love. He can’t be without me, I am his everything, etc. I know you have heard it all. A love so potent is was “too good to be true”. I can’t thank you enough for your response. Just hearing your words made me smile, which is not easy to do these days. I feel alone when i am without him and perhaps even lonelier at times when we are together. There is no reason why I can’t let him go, other than the fact that I actually love and care for him and feel bad for his horrible upbringing and non existent family. I have become increasingly aware of his tactics, games and routines. This has just caused him to accuse me of being unstable, mean or not the perfect person he once thought I was. Now in his words his perfect princess has turned into the devil. I have done nothing but care for him and love him destroying myself in the process. His behavior as of lately has become more blatant and bizarre. He loves to antagonize me with child like games. I am broken and at a loss. I am a once strong woman that has turned into mush. I appreciate all your words, advice…anything you have to offer because I know I need it all for strength to end this nightmare.

Great article. Love Fraud has helped me recover so much as well as reading about so meny other people whos lifes as been hurt because of a Sociopath. It is very hard to get over what damage thay do. For me it has been three years and I am still having a hard time. But because of this site and writing with others I will make it. It is true, you must clear you mind and soal and fill it with good people who are not evil. ( now I real know what evil is ) Thank you for this site and hopes of a fast recovery for all of you.

Rochelle;

I too had an “inhuman” response to my health issue from the x-spath. I am glad to see that you are well on your way to recovery, both physically and emotionally.

In my situation, the x-spath took me to the hospital as I was very sick, including a rash unlike any I ever had. I attributed this rash to an antibiotics reaction, but it turned out to be Shingles. More important, given my other symptoms, the doctor thought I might be HIV+. There was no rapid test then and it was the weekend, so I would need to wait until the following week for a test and then days more for the results.

Without hesitation, I explained the doctor’s concerns. Then I apologized to him about not being 100% certain of my status and even joked that it was good we had done nothing unsafe. He did not say anything other than he agreed I needed to be tested ASAP. He then took me to the Pharmacy, had lunch with me and saw me home.

The next morning, by email, de dumped me. Of course I blamed myself… I even remained friends for a while, until a month later, when I learned he was HIV+.

What could me more cold, more callous and without a shred of empathy?

I never knew what a sociopath was until i looked it up about a yr ago, I always thought sociopaths were people like serial killers like Charles Manson, etc. and never in my wildest nightmare have thought that i knew one, dated one, lived with one, or ever associated with one, I know i met all types of people in my life some so called “normal” to “off the wall crazies” but never thought i was friends and dated one, until recently, and for 8 yrs on and off. I met this person whom i found very intriguing but could not really figure him out, and after 8 months of being romantically involved with him just one day he decided “to cut me totally off in a romantic/sexual/intimate way, out of the blue, just like when u break up with someone normally. But he kept remaining my friend and we continued to see each other on and off until about a yr. at first i thought maybe he was physically ill, then i figuered he met someone else, because usually that dont happen unless u have a breakup, but as time went on i knew that part of our relationship was over atleast then and saw that he really did not want any commitment with me and was more interested in the internet and romance chats than to be with me, even on NYears Eve, it was then i decided to say goodbye and goodluck i had enough hurt, and just thought him to be some weirdo and chalk it up, and moved on, 2 yrs later living in another state, living my life, all of a sudden he came out of nowhere sending me stupid emails that were like chain letters, with pyramid stuff, and he kept sending them, i deleted them, until i figuered i would just tell him to stop sending me that stuff over and over, well that was my biggest downfall, it was then he started to e mail me back and i replied and so the story goes, i ended up moving back to the State where i orginally met him, because i thought at the time it might be good for me to be there, because of family and when i lived there before i had my own business and made a good living, and visited quite often my family there, but never telling him i was in town, well, after talking with him again on line, the next time i went there for a visit, we met each other, and i think i stayed with him for a few days, looking at apts and work options, then i left and went home, i was relieved in a way that i was going back home, but we continued to talk and before i knew it, i was back in his life, and, for this one time only actually got me an apt, helped me when i moved in, and we continued as friends not lovers, (he was separated he said) i became close with his kids who visited from time to time, (they lived with their mother) and worked but the economy was really bad and i knew after 7 months of being there, i must get out of there, that he only wanted me there as his “just in case” girl, he was planning on retiring soon and said he would move in with me, but i knew in my gut he was not, and he only wanted me there incase his family or whomever would not be there for him if he retired, he obviously did not want to be alone i guess. So I left once again, went back to home state, bought a place, because i said im never moving again, or so i thought, 3 months later he calls me and tells me hes coming to where i live in my state, but at first said he would live with me for awhile and then go where his were about 60 miles away and get a house (which i thought that was nuts esp knowing he had no money or credit and economy was bad + his kids were in middle to late 20’s. So it was decided he would probably live with me until he found a place for him and his kids who lived with his wife, who had a semi-live in boyfriend for yrs. It was like they were completely divorced but i found out later, it wasnt, so I helped him move from that state to the state i was living in, with 3 kitties, and thought i would help with kitties and driving, but found out the moment we left the truck did not have a backseat and cats were piled up in middle between me and the driver, and had i known that i never would of accepted helping him move, He moved all his kids stuff, the pets were theirs, and not once during that 3 day drive did any of them call or seem concerned or cared about pets he called them, and sometimes they talked to him, it was weird, and i wondered why didnt they come down here to help him, most of the stuff is theirs, and the cats are theirs, but didnt say anything until i started to see a change of behavior with him that i had never exhibited before like anger, he punched a wall, and i lost it myself a few times because in my opinion the animals were not doing well on this 3 day journey piled one on top of the other, so by the time i got to my apt, he said bye see u later im going to kids house, in a way i was happy because i saw him different after that and in a way i was numb and in shock, and orginally told him i would take kitties until he found a place, but this was totally wrong on my part, i went upstairs stared into space, and could not believe what took place, + i had 2 of my own cats in my apt, and decided either im not taking those cats, or im not going back downstairs to say goodbye, i did go downstairs, but it took awhile, and asked if he could atleast stay the night, he said no he had to go, and it was getting late, i just stood there hysterically crying, and saying what happend? he replied the kids are having problems with their mom and boyfriend because hes there part time, and they cant even use the bathroom i have to go there, ok…whatever. I never felt so numb like that before, and was never going to call him again, but he did call that nite, telling me he arrived ok, and i heard his wife talking to him like he was a piece of garbage, and he himself said, i have to get out of this place..later i found out he lived with her 4 yrs before in basement while she was with boyfriend upstairs, how bizarre, and even asked him doesnt it bother u to see her with her boyfriend and ur not divorced, he did say yes it did bother him, well next thing i knew, i was giving him $7,000 to rent a bungalow house that looked like nightmare of elm st, because he had no credit, said if he didnt get this house he would be living under a bridge, that he could never stay at wifes house, and wanted to get kids out of there asap, and begged me for money for rent, deposit, real est, and i was always taught even if u have no money, if a person was going to be homeless, and u knew them, u helped them, so then i had the extra cash and did him the favor and wrote out the checks, which he orginally wanted wired i said noway, and went with him when he signed lease and did make copies of everything, so he and his kids moved and for the first few months to a yr, he said that their was always an open invitation to come to his house, anytime, but i didnt, i always made plans first with him, it was then i noticed those first few weeks, he called me saying he had no fuel in the dead of winter, i could never let him and the kids freeze so i filled the tank only 1/4 and it was almost then 300 for 1/4 tank, i told him about a program that helps pay for the fuel, supposedly he said he filed one and got denied because he put his daughter down who makes 60,000 a yr, for a kid as a nursing assistant, 3 more times he told me he ran out of oil, he was freezing, so here i come to fill 1/4 of the tank, and he even asked me to fill the tank atleast 1/2 i said no i cant keep doing this, its too much money, during this time, twice, he told me he could not make the rent, because he just retired was on social security and only brought 5,000 with him when he moved, and here i was Sparky The Fire Dog at his saving the day and paying the rent in full twice, then all of a sudden he needed to have his transmission fixed otherwise he could not drive anywhere and the transmission blew, he told me he brought his car to his wifes repair person (she drives a BMW her boyfriend got her) and the charge was $800.00 but the weird part was that when he said he fixed the car, the car still did not work, and my belief is he never fixed his car, but she had hers fixed and i paid for it, she used to come over from time to time and even brought her boyfriend, but still had her hand on this persons leg when she was talking to him, he was afraid at first to have me there, when she came over, i was thinking why??? its ok she lives with her boyfriend??? but after awhile he said it was ok i be there too, and thought something was wrong with this whole setup and felt it in my gut, and even cancelled payments 3x on my amexcard because i felt there was something not right about the whole situation, plus car still didnt work?? after 800.00? as time went on, i used to go there every other weekend, either to pick him up take him back to my apt, or to stay over, not once did he ever drive to see me, even when he stayed over at my place, and all of a sudden his wife and kids cared about him and his daughter would call saying she missed him, when i know it was his wife playing her as a pawn. I found out this woman wanted her cake and to eat it too. As time went on, i saw how he was getting more and more distant, but still i drove 60miles to pick him up bring him back to my place and then bring him back to his house and then driving back to my house, never one time did he ever drive to my house, and when once i had an emergency absessed tooth, (it was very bad, went into bloodstream and the pain was not to be believed) i begged him to come to my house, and stay with me because i felt it was very dangerous being alone, and driving on these major pain killers trying to go to dentist, oral surgeon, and this was no ordinary absess my whole face turned black and blue and was swollen and no amount of pain killers helped the pain, and driving with this pain, and painkillers was dangerous, he then said his car didnt work, so i even offered to have a cab come out to his house, pick him up and drive him to my house, and then when he went home would have the cab take him home, which would of cost me close to atleast 400.00 (120 miles round trip) he still said no, and only called me once a day to see how i was doing, but never called everyday, i had to call him, it was almost surreal that he did that, he would of had to do nothing not even drive but still said no. Everytime i saw him, everytime i came there, everytime he came to my house, i paid for food, dinners, everything, he never offered anything, and i admit i would bribe him to come to my house, because there were great restuarants were i lived, and took him out all the time, (he didnt do that before when he was living in the other state) our romantic/sexual relationship was over and out and only once when he first saw me after two yrs he became intimate with me, and then said we should of not done that, it was later he told me he stopped being romantic with me, because i was getting too serious, he didnt want a commitment, but wanted to remain friends, and yes, there were times he actually acted like a real friend, like when i moved he stayed with me all day, and let me stay at his house, as soon as he moved in with his kids, everything changed, and he started to get more and more distant and rude, and knew and felt he was leaving, the more distant he got, the more persistent i got, until it started to become very abusive and his son would hang up on me, he would hang up on me, i was calling out of control too, and final act, i was right near his house visting my parents grave and very upset, and asked if i could come over since i was 10 minutes away, he lived very far from me, he actually said, well if its only for a few minutes, but u cant stay here, i said then, forget it, he knew how upset i was i was crying so much from being at that cemetary, and then was having problems, with the place i bought trying to sell it because of various problems, and even one person said u need to have someone here, because none of this would of happened in this apt, had their been another person or man here, he didnt care at all. and when my money started to really run out, because apt wasnt selling for whatever reason, he hardley ever was there and didnt see him for a couple of months before i literally had to run out that apt, and move once again, with my last money, i thought maybe he would stay with me for awhile, or even if i could stay there, the change was u can only stay a few days, the girls dont want u here, which i could not believe because there was no reason for them to feel that way, but he did say in case something happens u know u can always stay here, i told him was running out of money, and none was coming in, and at my age it was becoming more and more difficult to get work, so one day he did the ultimate he walked away turning off his phone, never answering emails his wife putting her phone on block, and his cell never answering. It was then during the worst period of my life, he just deleted me, erased me, like i never existed, his daughters once told me he was good at that, but i didnt even know what she was talking about, i never saw any of that, he never seemed that way, and seemed to help people in their time of need, even if he didnt like them. but he just disappeared and finally got him on the computer, and asked him what is going on??? why did u disconnect phone, disconnect any type of connection, i even asked him if it was my fault for being a witch at times, he only said this, i never was mad at you, i forgave you a long time ago, and i know you cared about me alot, it was almost like goodbye, and then signed off on me. The next day i did get him on cell, and he did call me back and told me it was better this way, i cant even remember what he said, and then he hung up, i never talked to him again on the phone since that was may 2012, meantime i gave him money for house, paid for everything since he came to this state, paid for fuel, rent, food, etc etc picked him up all the time, he never did one thing ever for me, except drain me of well over $15,000+ and because i told him before he did his disappearing act, i had to cash in my last bonds, and leave this apt, using my last money to move, he then said he would pay me back $100.00 ck a month, i didnt want it, i just wanted to know what happened? and never got any explanation, i kept in touch with his daughter, i told her what was happening to me financially and with the cats i had, she said she had enough and was going to ask him if i could stay there for awhile or if she could atleast take cats, he said no, i could not believe it. This house i paid for? on the brink of homelessness, and he still said no. To this date, i have still emailed him telling him almost everyday, of how much i need some sort of support or help, i cant find work at all now, only get ss and in this state their are no benefits to help with working class or poor, literally begging him for help because a few weeks ago i had 13cents left to my name my ckg account for the first time in 17 yrs had a bounced check with minus and i had no food, no money, no help except from some friends on the phone, but not financially, and begged him for help, and after Hurricane Sandy, he lived in the area hard hit, i spoke to him on line for a few minutes, and he sounded like a total different person twisting everything i said around, to making it look like i was manipulating or had motives just to ask him if his house was destroyed my house was always open, all he said was u want me to leave my kids?? whats in it for you?? no ive decided no. I didnt even really ask his permission, and was only acting still like a caring person, and since then ive been liiving in total deprivation, never to bottom out this low in my life, (I am also a recovering alcoholic with 26 yrs sobriety and Al-Anon too) that this bottom has been far worse than the bottom i had when i came into AA i had then a job, a family, back ups, i have nothing here now, and feel extreme aloneness, and still am emailing him for help, the help he gave me was he stopped sending even the $100.00 checks, and now im living where he loved living and hes living where i should of never moved from, because if this happened in that state their are laws for rentals, and help, but never thought from living like a halfway human person with a beautiful apt, but had problems, in one year he just abandoned me, with no reason, no explanation, shutting off phone, and totally cutting me off, to now even stopping those 100 checks he sent me after all i did for him from my heart, but always had that gut feeling that i should not be doing that, esp with the house, because i was starting to run low myself on money, he would also borrow money from me all the time and give me postdated checks, which went thru but now, he knows whats going on, and either refuses to believe it, because he hasnt seen me in over a year, or as his daughter who changed also totally said i was a user??? and using them as pawns???? what???? i never used anyone ever, and his wife was the one who used everyone as pawns, and he still does not answer my emails and i even saw on white pages, which i could not even fathom his name and address on two houses, the one i paid for and his wife house, and her name on the two houses, the one i paid for and her house, and even a couple of extra names that i think may be his wifes sister and relatives living in both houses, and where am I? im 2 weeks away from being homeless, he has two houses, made a profit on me, and is now renting two places, and even though knowing im so close to being homeless, still refuses to let me stay at his house months ago, the house i paid for 2 yrs ago, and now has his wife living there + relatives and he took from me about $15,000 and he has house wife kids in both houses while i remain with backlogged bills, rent due that they do not put up with here lateness after 3 days, and no job, thinking that maybe just for once he do one thing for me like helping me??? or support??? or anything??? after 8 yrs of thinking i knew him??? this whole change of personality leaving me destitute with nothing, alot of it is my fault, no one had a gun to my head, but when he claimed he was going to be homeless??? i definately believed him then, and now look, i really might be homeless, and not only has he gained another home, he cut me off totally, like i never existed, and then does nothing seeing me begging like a beggar to help me, i helped him so much, i just cant believe this, and truly believe this man is a sociopath, because his daughter even told me, he just dont care, and she claimed she hated him, and her brother hated him, and had no clue why plus i really didnt want to know, when he used to say his was like a puzzle wrapped around some sort of twisted pole, that everyone could never figure him out, because he was that much difficult to understand some of the things he did, not that they were bad, but sometimes really dumb, that didnt make sense, when in fact his daughter hit it right on the head, saying hes no puzzle he just dont care, she even blamed him for one of the cats dying from lack of love when the cat was living with him, but then i thought she was being crazy, the cat was ok before it was after he moved this place in the state i lived in that everything turned downhill, including him, but now i wonder, and believe he used me, threw me away when i no longer served a purpose, just does not care whether i live or die in poverty after all the yrs of helping him not only with money, but mostly with emotional, spritual support always saying how great he was, always telling him good stuff about himself, and then this i get in return??? it just baffles me how he has destroyed my life and everything in it, like a domino effect, that continues, even though he does not care, how can this be??? sociopath or whatever, to me what he did was a crime, a major crime, to ones self, ones, finances, ones self esteem even with all the 12 step programs and therapy i still ended up like this???? i absouletly have no clue now what im going to do, about these finances, i was going to press charges on him and his wife, because this looks like a con artist game, but 8 yrs,??? he was never a prize, but i never saw anything like this in all of my life happen to anyone, except maybe someone rich or famous just watching and reading all my emails of despair, with not one word not one answer, nothing, i have no clue now what to do…thanks for listening, and sorry for long share, but i just found this website, and my so called friends, some of them just cant believe it, most of them told me yrs ago he was dirt even way before this happened, and all of them told me to get rid of him yrs ago. i just hope i didnt pay the final price to go along too far for too long just because i loved him??? or cared??? isnt that what people usually do when someone close to them says they will be homeless without help, now look, the tables r turned only mine is real…..thanks everyone for listening.

Hello my Lovefraud Friends,

It has been a while since I have posted. Some of you may remember me. My ex spath left me a note on the nightstand and ran off and married another woman, after professing his love to me the night before. I came here after writing to Donna and getting verification that I was dealing with a sociopath. Well, I was so heart broken. I layed on the floor balling for hours. I sounded like a wounded animal. I tear up now, just thinking how low I felt. I am getting my karmic revenge. He has made several attempts to contact me since his departure in Feb. of 2011. Just 3 weeks ago I recieved a call from him. I didn’t realize it was him, he had changed his number. I answered and he asked if I had been emailing him and asking if I wanted him back. I laughed and said no. He said that his wife was crazy. I told him good luck with that and hung up. I feel that it was his way to see if he still had a foot in the door. As much as I loved the illusion of him… that is all it was. He will never be real.
Now, I wonder if I have replaced him with another type of man with an antisocial behavior disorder. Please help me. I don’t believe this other guy is a sociopath, but I feel that he has lied to me on many occasions. I can’t prove it, but I now do not trust him. I feel that it has been a game to him. He has stood me up and I let him back in my life. He tells me he will call and doesn’t. He always has an excuse. He is handsome, but he doesn’t have the sex drive like my ex spath. He said I was his girlfriend, but never invited me to any function he went to.I told him that I didn’t want to be his girlfriend until he can share his life with me. He was ok with this. He said, well Im not going to like this, but I understand. I own two restaurants and he is in the food sales industry. I feel that he just got close to get my business. I am so grossed out by this idea, but he rarely shares anything about himself. It is like he has some seceret life. He says that he isn’t ready to be in a relationship, but calls me pumpkin, and baby and he would text me late at night and early in the morning to chat. He even would text me in the middle of the night. It is wasnt booty calls. I am not sure what it was all about. He text me last week and told me that Christmas decorations, sweets and treats remind him of me. So many mixed signals. He talked about what we would do when we retire…. just alot of inappropriate talk for someone that thought we were only friends. He even told me along time ago that he cant be friends with women. I never asked what he meant by that. I am so confused, and feeling really betrayed. I know this is not a healthy relationship, but like my ex spath I am addicted to him. That is why I am here. I need help. I have replaced my ex spath with another kind of derarranged man. Please if anyone can relate and give me advice on how to handle this. I feel I need to go no contact… but how do I handle the work aspect. He may want to contact me about work. Should I tell him to contact my partner and not me anymore? I feel that is what I need to do. My partner knows what he has put me through. I was so upset when he showed up at my work after standing me up and acted as if everything was fine. I was pissed and wasnt ready to see him or deal with my feeling. I didnt deal with my feeling well that evening and ended up apologizing to him. He didnt understand why I was so mad. I told him that I was in love with him and that can make a person do and say some pretty goofy stuff. He was shocked that I told him that He kept saying… you never told me that before. I said well I am . He said he just wanted to be friends and that He had told me that. Ugh! he told me and said alot of things. I told him I cant be just friends. he said isnt friends better than nothing. I said I dont know. How can I be friends with someone that knows I am in love with him and he doesnt feel the same way. I cant do it. I have to be done. Friends return calls, friends show up when they make plans. I feel fear when I have contact with him anymore. I feel sad when I think of him. This is not healthy and that is why I am here. Help!
Sadme

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