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Help Please! I can´t stop thinkin about him.

This topic contains 22 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  doodledandy 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #43033

    paula70
    Participant

    it´s been over a month now that he´s cut me off completely,and still he is my first thought when I wake,my last thought when I go to sleep. Even though I do yoga,and I started therapy ,nothing seems to be helping. Some days I manage to feel a little better,hopeful…but then is back to square one. I go around crying feeling so miserable,why did he ditch me so abruptly? did he truly love me? and if he never did,why lie about it ?what about our plans together? these and more questions play round and round in my head till I doubt my own sanity.I did some research,read quite a lot on sociopath/narcissistic behavior and finally understood I´m better off without him.YET THE PAIN WON´T GO AWAY.I miss him SO MUCH!Can someone help me please? I want my life back!I want to trust again,feel beautiful again,enjoy life again.

  • #43037

    traumatized41
    Participant

    You and I both will enjoy our lives again. I think it was because of what we became used too. It will get better. Im confident in that. Cant get much worse. I say that but i keep checking my texts to see if he messaged. I dont plan on responding if he does. Just got so used to my texts and calls everyday. But they were part of his scheme. One day at a time…

  • #43038

    paula70
    Participant

    Thank you for your words of support,much needed. I keep checking my phone myself,keep reminding myself it will get better . One day at a time,I know. It´s just that it gets so fu**in hard to endure it sometimes..

  • #43039

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Paula70, I’m so sorry that you are suffering right now. It’s not easy to be discarded from a sociopath. They know exactly how to break up and leave their target dangling so that they can come back into the relationship down the road if they need something sex, money, a place to stay etc.

    YES!! You are better off without him!!! Know that you deserve so much better then what you were settling for with him. He is a dangerous man to your mind, body & spirit.

    One thing that is never discussed with ANY break up is the natural high level release of cortisol & adrenaline hormones in the body. Symptoms include anxiety, depression, sleep issue, memory loss, brain fog, racing mind, sleep issue etc.

    BUT with a A relationship with a sociopath EXTREMELY HIGH levels release of cortisol & adrenaline (fight flight & freeze mode) in our body that are released DAILY due to their mental and emotional abuse the inflict on their victims. Relationships with a sociopath are extremely toxic to are health.

    What you are experience hon is a high level of cortisol & adrenaline levels being released in your body. The adrenal glands are in over drive dumping endless amounts of cortisol & adrenaline. It’s scary to have this happen to your body. It happens to all of us. I remember being so overwhelmed & not being able to calm my mind down after leaving my abusive husband, a sociopath. I could not even sit in one place for every long as I was so stressed out. I felt like a caged animals. At the time I was not educated on who he was or the effects he had on my mind, body & spirit.

    SO GLAD YOU POSTED YOUR COMMENT FOR HELP TODAY!! Bravo for you to reach out for help.

    The next post below this post is a article from the net on “Relationship break cortisol levels” (google this also to read more on the subject”.

    Look into vitamin supplements such as: (Get your Doctors advise first!!):

    1) Magnesium baths (epson salt). You can find “Epson Salt” in your grocery Pharmaceutical section. Its about $5 to $10 for a package. Follow the direction. Ask your doctor first before using. Magnesium is the calming mineral. It is estimated that 1/3 of Americans are deficient in this mineral causing anxiety & depression in our society. For more info Google “Epson salt bath benefits for calming”

    2) Vitamin B Complex. (google benefits for calming) do a search on stress & B complex. Needed for the brain to think clearly too. Helps to calm the body also.

    3) D Vitimin for the brain

    Google “Dr Amen PBS you tube” and also “Dr Amen depression you tube” to watch his videos. He also has excellent books on the NY Times best seller. Your local library may have his books.

    Get tested for Vitamin & Mineral deficiency. Stress causes deficiently!!!

    Look into “Adrenal Fatigue” see sites like Dr Lam. com & Adrenal Fatigue .org. See their Symptoms list.

    MOST VICTIMS OF ABUSE SUFFER FROM PTSD. One of the missing links to heal PTSD is adrenal fatigue.

    I did the same things you did trying to calm my body. Yoga & counseling. Nothing worked until I was lucky enough to have a friend guide me to a Endocrinologist doctor who tested me for Hormonal imbalance & vitamin deficiency & cortisol test (see Adrenal Fatigue. org for this testing). This doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s Adrenal Vitamins 4 times a day and also progesterone Rx pills. Within 4 hours of taking these things my anxiety was HALF!! Within a month I felt calm again.

    Everyone states: “It’s all in your head”. To that I say NO!!!!

    Your body has hormones that need to be adjusted so that you can be calm again. Your body needs to be balance again from the toxic relationship that you were living in.

    Once you get your body balanced again, I promise you, you will see this guy as PURE EVIL. And will slam the door on him for good. Until then be kind to yourself you have SURVIVED a sociopath evilness.

    HUGS TO YOU!!! 💜

    Wishing you all the best. Take care 🌴

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by  Jan7.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by  Jan7.
  • #43040

    Jan7
    Participant

    Here is the article from the net on HIGH LEVELS OF CORTISOL AFTER A BREAK UP:

    “Dumped? How to heal the health effects of a broken heart

    When 23-year old Emmie Scott, a direct marketer in Richmond, Va., and her boyfriend/co-worker broke up and still had to endure seeing each other daily, Scott suffered a broken heart—literally. “The most uncomfortable symptom I experienced is the sensation that someone was sitting on my chest—a combination of both pain and pressure that’s left more than one of my friends commenting that my heart must actually be broken.”

    Researchers now understand that romantic rejection triggers changes in our brains that affect our health. Edward Smith, a Columbia University psychologist, and a team of colleagues, found that intense emotional pain can activate the same neural pathways as physical pain. Seems being jilted can hurt in a primitive physical way as if you’ve been sucker-punched by a welterweight.

    What’s more, that physical pain can manifest in surprising ways. Aside from chest pain, you may get hit with a kick-butt cold or flu, develop insomnia, or a range of gastro symptoms from loss of appetite to diarrhea. The precise health wallop you suffer may have to do with how your body manifests stress. Asthmatic? You could have an asthma attack. Suffer from a skin condition like eczema or psoriasis? Your skin will likely flare up. Have irritable bowel syndrome? Prepare to hit the restroom.

    “While in college I found out my boyfriend (and high school sweetheart) was cheating on me. Although only 110 pounds, I dropped almost 15 and broke out with a case of shingles, which required a week of prednisone to calm,” says Christina Stoever Young, 40, producer of a historic haunted walking tour in Truckee, Calif.

    Here, the top health complaints stemming from heartache:

    Complaint: Heart pressure or pain, palpitations, abnormal heart rhythms

    Why: When the stress response is triggered by a break up or divorce, the body sends out a massive flooding of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline. “Any time your adrenaline levels are higher, you’re more vulnerable to faster heart rate, palpitations and certain arrithymias, or abnormal heart rhythms, as well as skipped beats, light headedness, feeling your chest pounding, and a fluttering feeling in your neck,” says Dr. John M. Kennedy, a Marina Del Ray cardiologist and co-author of “The 15 Minute Heart Cure: The Natural Way to Release Stress and Heal Your Heart in Just Minutes a Day.”

    Women heart patients facing severe stress from marriage difficulties were found to have three times the risk of heart attack as women without such stress. Worse, there’s a syndrome that mimics heart attack called Takotsuba syndrome, or broken heart syndrome, in which an EKG, chest X-ray and blood work all indicate heart attack. But when a cardiologist goes inside the heart searching for the culprit blocked artery, the arteries are wide open. The stress response simulates heart attack symptoms. “Broken heart syndrome is an extreme form of what heartache can do to our bodies,” says Kennedy. While it can be lethal, the heart muscle usually recovers within six months.

    What helps: Anything that relieves stress helps prevent these heart problems during relationship troubles: exercise, yoga, tai chi, meditation, relaxing through breathing or visualization, even short term anti-anxiety medication.

    Complaint: Cold or flu

    Why: These same stress hormones torch your immune system leaving you vulnerable to rogue bacteria and viruses. “Normally when you’re confronted with bacteria or virus, your body will mount a defense,” says Dr. Valerie Scott, a board certified family doctor in Mt. Pleasant, S.C. Post break up, however, your immune system is weakened and those defenses aren’t unable to ward off illness.

    What helps: Managing your stress improves your immune system. Exercise, eat well, take a multi-vitamin, especially the B complex vitamins, which boost immunity, rest enough and decompress with music, comedy or friends to counteract the flood of stress hormones.

    Complaint: Gastro upset (stomach pain, loss of appetite, diarrhea,)

    Why: The excess cortisol shooting into your system during your break up diverts blood away from your digestive track, leaving you with GI unpleasantness–that ‘can’t eat for weeks, sour stomach, run to the bathroom feeling’ you get when your relationship tanks.

    What helps: Try over-the-counter meds for your queasy stomach. In one study researchers simulated rejection in the lab and found that aspirin alleviates the painful feelings triggered by being rebuffed. While it seems skeptical, it’s worth a try, as is curbing your desire to veg on the couch. Exercise prompts your brain to release uplifting endorphins that will settle your stomach. What’s more, misery loves company. “You want to surround yourself with family and friends and supportive people because it’s easy to get depressed,” says Kennedy, which may worsen symptoms. Camaraderie can stimulate a much-needed dose of missing oxytocin, a feel-contented hormone.

    Complaint: Insomnia

    Why: Sleeping patterns, not unlike eating patterns, become skewed during relationship demise. Some people want to stay in bed all day — while others can’t seem to sleep at all. Science really doesn’t understand why it happens, but it’s likely due to racing thoughts, the ‘he-said, she-said’ reenactment of the break up plays out mentally while at rest. Plus, stress hormones, still at their peak, may wreck your circadian rhythms and internal clock.

  • #43043

    paula70
    Participant

    I am SO glad to have joined this forum ! Jan7 thank u for the info about the damage to our physical health these bastards deliver,I was just thinking today maybe I should make an appointment with a doctor and you just convinced me of doing it. And most of all,thank u SO much for your understanding and encouraging words,it means the world to know I am not alone,that there are other survivors out there,that we can and will make it through this nightmare.

  • #43047

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Paula,

    The way you’re feeling is within normal range. In my own experience I hardly got out of bed for a month. Grieving your loss and processing the betrayal and abuse is a lot of work. Recognizing that you feel stuck in your recovery is a good first step. If there are regular times your thoughts churn, you can try to alter your routine – for example if you think of him when you wake up, you can gently push the thoughts away and replace them with something else – read a magazine over breakfast, if you pray, maybe pray for someone you know who needs prayers, take a walk, turn on the news or another tv program, put on some engaging music, call a friend, make a list of all the people and things in your life you are grateful for, or whatever distraction works for you.

    If you feel that there is some unresolved feelings you’re dealing with, you might try writing but not sending, a letter to him telling him what you think about what he did, how you feel, etc whatever you want to get off your chest and out of your mind, and then burn it and scatter the ashes. These are just ideas, you will know what will work for you. For example one of the things I did was print a picture of a tombstone (http://www.tombstonebuilder.com/) with his name and the dates of our ‘relationship’ and tacked it up in my kitchen. It satisfied my feelings and it memorialized that he was gone and it was over, for me.

  • #43048

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    As Annette said, can you vary your routine, do something different? go out for coffee in the morning so you are with some new people, the waitress, the cashier? get some new people in your life even in a simple way.

  • #43050

    resilient85
    Participant

    Paula70 – What you posted here is exactly what I’m going through!! Ugh!! I don’t know why I yearn for a man who has abandoned me after an 8 year relationship to marry someone else and never told me!! I can’t stop thinking about him and miss him so much!! What is wrong with me?? Why can’t I see how awful he really is?? How come I’m jealous of the woman he married?? It’s as if my brain can’t let go of the image we had together during those 8 years and doesn’t want to recognize the sheer horror of what’s happened. What an addiction! As has been said before, it is as if he is living rent free in my
    brain, and I won’t evict him! I know I’m better off without him. I just wish I would start feeling that way!

  • #43052

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Resilient85, the way you describe your feelings is normal, and would work very well in a relationship with someone with good character who keeps his commitments, tells the truth, and cares about your well being. You are normal and right to have bonded and it’s not a feeling that you can turn off in an instant. It’s likely that you loved and you now miss the person he said he was who felt about you the way he said he felt. He lied. Jealousy is a natural response to the intrusion in a relationship that is supposed to be monogamous, and based on love and trust. It takes time to process the trauma of being lied to, abused and betrayed; and it takes time to grieve the loss you’ve experienced. It sounds like you know how you want to feel, and you will get there. There is nothing wrong with you; you can be glad that you have appropriate feelings. In my experience you will come to feel sorry for the woman he ‘married’ because she will suffer. He treats her the same as he treats anyone else. He’s been cheating on her all along.

  • #43053

    angelstar
    Participant

    Sociopaths are deceptive and very hard to figure out. We keep obsessing over them because we keep trying to figure out who they really are through their clown mask. Their words and actions never match up, they keep lying to us and leading us on for their own entertainment. They are completely evil human beings, they get a thrill out of breaking peoples hearts, because they are hurt inside themselves. The only way to find closer with a spath is to know that they only use people, then throw them out after you get hooked, it boosts their ego to watch people who care about them squirm.

  • #43054

    resilient85
    Participant

    Thank you for your supportive comments! I’m so grateful to have this website/forum to express myself with those who are in the same club and receive such helpful comments!

  • #43055

    paula70
    Participant

    you beautiful people,you strongest of survivors Iam so happy to have found you! im trying SO hard to lift myself up in anyway I can,but knowing he is out there having a blast with someone new(showering her with the same love tricks he played on me),while Im left here picking up the pieces of the heart he shattered,of the dreams he shattered…Can´t help but think “what is wrong with me?” how did I fall for this bastard? why didn´t I see what was coming?..” and so on.. It is exactly like one of you described it. It actually feels like he is living rent free in my brain and I can´t evict him!!! I know I need to take care of myself and my children that´s the ONLY thing that matters,but right now I feel Im a total mess…so I keep reminding me IT WILL GET BETTER,IN TIME.THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.I AM WORTHY OF LOVE.I admit half of the time I don´t believe in those words….so I inhale,exhale,repeat.

  • #43056

    paula70
    Participant

    and yeah,same here resilient85!so grateful for this group! we are loving,caring people who know how to LOVE AND SUPPORT each other! F**ck those bastards OUT OF OUR LIVES OUT OF OUR MINDS OUT OF OUR HEARTS! one day at a time 🙂

  • #43057

    paula70
    Participant

    and still…each time my phone rings,my heart jumps at the thought that maybe it´s HIM….Im a nervous wreck,so sad

  • #43059

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress are normal reactions to having experienced an abnormal traumatic event, or having been abused. It helped me to read some things about PTSD, helped me understand my symptoms and ways to recover. I learned that the longest and most difficult recovery is from the trauma of abuse and betrayal by someone in a relationship that is supposed to be love and trust based, ie spouse, parent, teacher. This can cause worse trauma than an event such as loved ones losing their lives in a natural disaster, or the like. What makes it more difficult for us is that most people don’t understand what we’ve experienced. Until I had my spath experience, I had no idea people like that existed. So we don’t get the outpouring of sympathy and understanding we’d get if our loved one died in an accident or similar. I don’t blame people who don’t get it, I was there once, but it does make it harder to recover.
    I am five years or so out, and I still have some remnants of unspecified anxiety that I didn’t have before the psychopath targeted me. But I am over anything and everything connected with him. I saw him at a funeral I attended recently and felt genuinely glad that he’s gone. Once the hypnosis that many spaths use on their targets to get us to engage with and commit to them wears off, and we come to see them for what they really are we wonder why we were ever with them. My ex psychopath targeted me at a vulnerable time in my life and used a lot of hypnotic techniques. It’s powerful and took me a long time to break free of his mind control and button pushing.

  • #43060

    paula70
    Participant

    yes Annette,same here ,most people just dont get it,thats why this forum is really so helpful. and please tell me,exactly what do you mean by “hypnotic techniques?? I truly felt I was being hypnotized by him at one point in the relationship and I recall discarding that thought as “ridiculous”(!)

  • #43063

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Paula, Your intuition was probably right. A google search on “sociopath hypnosis of victims” brings up many results which should get you started in finding accounts from other targets. It helped me to understand some of what happened to me. Apparently this is a common technique spaths use.

  • #43068

    Stargazer
    Participant

    Paula, it’s great to distract yourself with gratitude, activities, etc., but in my experience, if the pain persists, it is because it is needing my attention. So I just sit down and attend to it, listen to it, and try to really experience it. If you allow yourself to really feel your pain deeply, it will eventually dissipate. Instead of trying to fight with it, why not sit down and give it some space and love? Investigate it to see what it feels like. See if you can get right inside the feeling and just let it be there. I have often gotten some profound healing this way.

  • #43075

    neveragain999
    Participant

    Paula I am in exactly the same position as you I left my spath partner a month ago and have exactly same feelings as you … we need to chum up and help each other

  • #43076

    paula70
    Participant

    Annette thank you,I will look into it. Stargazer,thank you Iam doing exactly that,but the only moment I feel it safe enough to connect deeply with this unbearable pain is at my therapy sessions,otherwise Id be crushed under its weight,and that I cant allow,I must remain strong I have a living to make a house to run two lovely daughters to raise… Neveragain thank you and yes,lets chum up and help each other in this journey of recovery and self knowledge,Id really like to know how you were able to actually leave him,that is a huge difference between you and me,see ,he is the one who left ,I was about to but he cunningly reeled me back in,and THEN he cut me off!

  • #43077

    neveragain999
    Participant

    I was with him 12 years left him three times went back… left him last August as he couldn’t help himself was really the nastiest he could be whilst he bedded someone else in a hotel… found out kicked him out of my house he had been living in rent free… left him for 4 months it was agony I couldn’t concentrate didn’t want to go on nothing helped nothing made me feel better.. he texted for 4 months I ignored it all but broke every time I got a text my daughters picked me up… I went back last Christmas he bought me an engagement ring was his old charming self and we lived happily for 3 months then … nasty came out I slept in car in drive it was safer then going inside. I had three bad black eyes from march til now then after him calling me names for no reason blaming me for everything not speaking violence threats I found him texting some women sexually explicit texts … he made me give up my job had no money nowhere to go but the community knew him so I was helped an in a house he has found and he tries to intimidate but am free from violence nasty comments I cry I look at my phone I want what he offered me I know now that’s a sham… let’s talk I don’t know how to contact you.. we will be better together… loads of love

  • #43096

    doodledandy
    Participant

    Please stay strong!!! Stay busy. You must go through this withdrawal pain. I went through it. Totally agonizing. Professionals treated it like I was being reprogrammed after getting out of a cult. Right now you cannot trust your thoughts and emotions. They are unreliable. You miss the “facade” he presented. You don’t/didn’t even know “him”. You are an amazing person who’s worthy of SO much more!

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