February 10, 2021 at 4:31 pm #65126
I’m finding hindsight is really 20/20! As I continue my recovery I find all of the 5 stages of grief accompany my journey and they are never a path from A to Z rather they pop up randomly. Just when I feel I’m in a good place and doing well with NC the stage of anger pops up as if out of nowhere. I’m pretty sure these feelings are repressed feelings that I never had the courage to relay to my N. I probably did not want to rock the boat and was under duress and so exhausted I instead chose to dismiss them.
So what better place to vent and hopefully be able to put this stage behind me. Here’s some of the random statements my N would spew along with the familiar pattern he had with women and relationships.
I shared my story with my N of my first born daughter being born with a multitude of birth defects that were life threatening. Sadly, she was with us for only two short years.
So when talking about my second born son who is now an adult raising his own family, my N reminded me that I also had a daughter and I never talked about her. I reminded him that all of the circumstances surrounding my daughter’s short life was very private and it was stressful thinking of these difficult times. This was coming from a man who has no relationship with 4 of the adult children who still live in CA , stating their mothers poisoned their minds against him.
My N would always tell me “family comes first” making me feel very unimportant and less than. This excuse would typically arise when he disappeared for any length of time. It appeared there was always a family member of his that “needed” him. Translation-it made him look very noble and obviously was a boost to his ego.
Based on his time spent in the US Navy he claimed to be very “worldly” and described himself as a renaissance man. Translation – he had a woman in every port around the world….that was his definition of “worldly.” What a condescending, superior opinion of himself!
The following shows a definite pattern with women and loosely described relationships:
Marriage # 1 w/ child # 1:
My N enlisted in the Navy after his second year of college. His first born child (a son) was conceived with his college sweetheart while my N was home on leave. They ended up marrying, their son was born, however he would brag about all of the women he had been with during his time in the Navy. He was back home living with his wife and son, however he would spend weekends running around, not coming home and sleeping with other women. He expected his wife to be okay with his behavior because he provided a roof over her head and food on the table. At some point in their marriage and after a weekend of drinking and carousing he came home to an empty house. She enlisted her parents to help her move out and filed for divorce. My N told me that sometimes “haunts” him. Again, more than likely feigning an emotion for my behalf. He then decided to re-enlist in the Navy and left his hometown for CA where he was based.
Marriage # 2 w/ children # 2 & 3:
During his time with the Navy based in CA he had a string of repetitious connections with women. It started with a woman who he said would allow him to run the streets and be with other women, but would wait for him until he got it out of his system. The son he shared with this woman carried on his family name with my N’s same first name, middle name, last name adding the III to it since my N is a Jr. I’m sure he convinced this woman to carry on his “noble” name. He married the woman after impregnating her, their son was born and shortly thereafter the marriage was annulled at the urging of her parents. True to his “hovering” nature he later came back into her life and she ended up pregnant a second time Shortly thereafter he moved on leaving her with two of his son’s. Translation- In true N fashion he manipulated this woman, left her high and dry and moved on doing the very same thing with another woman……impregnate, marry and leave inside of a 2-3 year period.
Marriage #3 w/ child # 4:
Moving on to yet another woman, the same familiar story played out. The woman got pregnant, they married, the child (a daughter) was born and their marriage lasted all of 2-3 years. During that time she claimed he was a heavy drinker and very irresponsible when drinking. He had criminal involvement using someone else’s SS number to collect unemployment. All the time while he held down a job. This was a felony for which he had to pay restitution and serve consecutive weekends in jail for a period of time. They let him work at his job during the week. Apparently during their split from each other she got a restraining order because he threatened to either damage her vehicle or kidnap their daughter. She also got a restraining order so he could not be within so many feet of their daughter’s pre-school.
No Marriage w/ Child # 5 (Did not marry since he was moving back to his home state.)
On to another woman who was the daughter of someone he knew and supposedly she was “just a friend.” He said she was not married and already had a son, yet very much wanted another child and was interested in him fathering a child since, in his words, “he was such a good guy.” He was planning on moving back to his home state to care for his mother who was in early stages of dementia. Before he moved he decided to take up this woman’s invitation for dinner. When it came to intimacy after dinner he thought, “what the heck, I’m moving.” The night culminated in intimacy and he was later informed this woman was pregnant and he was the father. By that time he had moved back to his home state. He was enraged saying she knew her cycle and tricked him so she could get pregnant. This turned out to be the 4th child he had while living in CA.
Marriage # 5 no children:
Once back in his home state he had numerous interactions with the court system for multiple traffic tickets, DUI’s, litigation for unpaid rent, assault. To much of this he blamed everyone else except for himself. After being back home for a few years his mother passed away and he met wife # 5 where they were both working. She had two adult children and owned her own home. After two short years I’m sure she kicked him out and filed for divorce. He told me he was the one that left because in his words, “I can show you better than I can tell you.” He said she was the one who changed, accused him of cheating and she thought she could hold her home over his head and keep him there. Translation- she had good reason to think he was cheating, threw his ass out and filed for divorce. He was enraged that he did not have his name on her home after they married thinking after two short years he would be entitled to half her home. Yeah right! The sad piece to this story is her only son was involved in a horrific car accident and lost his life. This occurred not long after my N and his wife split. When asked if he attended the wake or funeral he replied, “no.” I thought no matter what their marriage/divorce was he had no integrity to pay his respects.
So much of this information was not known to me all at once and I did a good amount of investigating after the fact. Also, my N obviously relayed things in such a way that always made him look good. By then I was addicted, in love and thought our love at an older age would be different. He always defined his earlier years as being young, wild and immature, although he would tell me he never wanted any children. Instead he would say he chose women that he knew would be good mother’s in his absence. He never took any responsibility for birth control rather by telling these women he didn’t want children was the part he played in birth control. He also thought his minimal child support served as his involvement in their life and he did right by them.
When he met me he would tell me he was older now, more mature and wanted to settle down. I bought that hook, line and sinker thinking this would be different for us and love could conquer all. I’m all for second chances without being judgmental, yet now I have to ask what the heck was I thinking and what happened to my former self?
I know this is a terribly long story, yet better to vent and process on this site. As much as I want to call him on all of his crap or write him a long letter, it’s better to release and process my anger in this way. I do not want to relapse! Perhaps some of you will see similarities in the bragging and ego boosting lies within my story in regards to your own stories. Hindsight is indeed 20/20!
Thank you for reading and for allowing this site to be a place to process ❤️
Sent from my iPad
February 10, 2021 at 11:43 pm #65132thesmithsParticipant
Wow. Your ex had quite the checkered past, funluvmusic. He was very bad news. Am very sorry you found out after the fact. I know firsthand how painful it is to discover that the kind, honest and faithful person you brought into your life was anything but that. It kind of makes your skin crawl.
I never thought about the anger coming up from past incidents to be repressed but that makes sense. Thanks for saying that. I had one a few months ago when I was making lunch. My ex-h was supposedly home applying for jobs & saved $$ by eating there always. I called him at home during lunchtime from work & no answer. (Days of the landline.) I called a few times during lunch & no answer. I thought something happened. I left voicemail each time. He answered 1.5 hours after I began calling. I asked him what happened. He said he was taking a break from finding a job & from being on the phone which is why he didn’t answer. We had caller id. He claimed my number didn’t show. He would have picked up if he had known.
I challenged him, but he said I was overreacting as usual. I believe he went out to lunch or a bar with a guy & took him home.
This was six years ago. It still makes me feel angry now. I forgot about that incident until recently.
Am glad you’re sticking with NC. Continue to stay strong. As they say, success is the best revenge!
- This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by thesmiths.
February 11, 2021 at 12:40 pm #65136
Your comments about trying to reach your ex during lunchtime and sensing something was not quite right makes perfect sense. Our gut signals things telling us something is off. Learning to trust our gut is key, however in the thick of things we tend to ignore, dismiss or wish it away. After the dust settles we become much more aware and like I said,”hindsight is 20/20.”
I knew some of the things from my ex’s past- he was good at mixing some truth with his lies so there was a lot that seemed plausible. With a lot of digging and investigating after the fact I found much of the criminal records, divorce records and restraining order details, etc in public records. He even lied about how old his father was when he passed away. I later found his father’s obituary and headstone. My ex’s father passed away 20 years younger than what my ex told me. I now believe my ex was concerned about following the same fate as his father since my ex was close to the age of his father’s when his father died. His father divorced his mother when my ex was only 4 years old and he was a womanizer much like my ex with 7 children by different partners, a heavy drinker and he didn’t settle down until much later in his life. I believe his father was also a narcissistic sociopath. He was not around when my ex was growing up, so I believe my ex idolized him from a distance. My ex’s mother, from what he told me, was a stern, strict god fearing woman who continuously told my ex not to grow up and turn out like his father. I think the disordered personality seed was planted very early in my ex’s life.
I agree, NC is the only route to take and will serve me well going forward, although I have to admit these periods of anger and sadness come up periodically. I know there is no closure even though I’d like to call him or write him a letter telling him all I now have uncovered. I realize it would be a waste of my energy and would fall on deaf ears. Posting and journaling is the best way to release these feelings. Sometimes taking this information from my brain to pen and paper and actually see it in black and white print is more powerful than anything else. It clearly shows the complete story without any chaos, lying or reasoning that would be clouding my brain. My saving grace is that I had the last word telling him “enough was enough, I will not allow you to treat me this way, don’t contact me and it is finally MY decision.” Backing up my words by finally blocking his number sealed my decision.
Finding this website and connecting with so many similar stories has helped me immensely! When I’m having a bad day or feeling weak I turn to reading and posting and it definitely helps me release the residual feelings. I have no regrets for the feelings I developed for my ex because all of my feelings good, bad or otherwise were nothing but honest and real. I truly do believe someone, somewhere will appreciate exactly what I have to offer without the need to exploit me.
My son recently said something that made me extremely happy. We were talking about choices in life and he said, “ mom although you had a really crappy childhood filled with dysfunction you made a choice not to repeat that in your life and you now have a family that is flourishing” -meaning my son, daughter-in -law and grandson. As a parent I always hope to pass on a positive legacy and my son let me know I have accomplished that. Amen to that!
February 11, 2021 at 1:03 pm #65137
Hi Smiths yes I had sooo many times that I tried to reach my ex husband and he would not answer. Always to be explained later with some excuse such as work. And his friends and employees helped him cover up his double life so I was always getting lied to by everyone. It really messes with your head.
Later during the breakup when I asked him if there was anyone else he said “of course there were other women.” So basically insulting my intelligence and no remorse whatsoever.
February 11, 2021 at 1:09 pm #65138
Funluv yes in the past I did speak up to my ex by text message telling him what I knew and about his personality disorders but he simply did not care. They don’t care. It will not give you any closure and will not result in any remorse or any sort of meaningful interaction at all.
February 11, 2021 at 3:07 pm #65139
sept4- I agree, they don’t care. If it was something flattering about them, they would sure perk up, listen and take it all in. However, when it comes to anything that exposes their negative behavior they deny and turn it all around making us look like the crazy one.
There was one time I mailed him something that confirmed some details of his behavior and he told me flat out that he laughed when he received it. That just goes to show how cold, calculating and condescending they are. Lesson learned…….I won’t put my hands on that hot stove again!
February 11, 2021 at 3:53 pm #65142
Funluv yes you’re right it goes even beyond just not caring. They actually take pleasure from our distress. They get a kick out of it that we are still thinking about them and that we are confused and still affected by them. Because they have sadistic tendencies so our suffering is actually enjoyable to them.
February 11, 2021 at 8:51 pm #65152
Just a correction from my last lengthy post on my ex’s short-lived marriages, relationships and checkered past.
He was actually married 4 times not 5 as I had previously listed. Not that this is a huge improvement on his part, nor am I defending him in any way. I just realized I lost track as I listed them all. The last child he conceived in CA did not result in marriage since he had already moved back to his home state by the time he found out he was once again going to be a father.
When he brought up marriage to me I told him I had no intention of becoming Mrs. Blank Blank #5.
All said, I dodged a bullet, got a little bit smarter, found this website and lived happily ever after!
February 11, 2021 at 9:15 pm #65154thesmithsParticipant
Don’t worry, funlove! You did the important part of kicking his you-know-what to the curb & learning guys who act like this are disordered.
February 12, 2021 at 9:06 am #65159
Amen to that, thesmiths! I couldn’t agree with you more.
These are the little steps that get us through our recovery ……..we post, we vent, we find encouragement and we get through another day towards recovery. Sometimes we go backwards when something triggers us, but we don’t stay there for long and day by day, month by month, year by year we find ourselves again. Thank you for your encouragement!
February 12, 2021 at 12:00 pm #65161
thesmiths- Funny, after my 20/20 reflections and your story about going back to the time you tried calling your ex during lunch time and you felt things did not quite add up or make sense it reminded me of a story early on with my N.
I had not thought of this in years until now. A conversation occurred in our very early stages of our relationship. I had tried calling my ex at around 10:30pm and could not reach him. For me it was unusual because he was typically in bed or half asleep by that time. He returned my call saying he was out picking up his laundry. I said, “picking up laundry at 10:30 pm – what’s up with that?” He went on to tell my he has a woman taking care of his laundry. I thought, okay he’s a single guy living in an apartment building with no on site laundry facilities, maybe that could be plausible.
I thought I could make sense of it all until he went on to say,”I think her man is jealous of me and doesn’t like me. He thinks I’m having a thing with his woman.” Again, he was mixing a bit of truth, yet more than likely lying about what really was going on. He also could not resist alluding to what a catch he is by bragging about possibly interfering in this couple’s relationship. Sick triangulation at its finest!
Knowing what I know now, I’m sure he was getting more than his laundry washed and ironed. Amazing how these little things from the past come up so unexpectedly, yet now I can just laugh at this sorry a- – loser!
February 13, 2021 at 8:01 am #65188Donna AndersenKeymaster
Wow funluvmusic-what a story! I’m so glad you got rid of the jerk. It’s amazing how we believe their stories at first – and shocking when we learn the truth.
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