How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › His new victim has just contacted me via Facebook
December 9, 2017 at 9:24 am #43123
I received a message on Facebook from this woman who is with him at the moment (since he was released from jail this summer for forging his divorce documents).
She asked me if I was calling her boyfriend cause that’s what he claims. I said to her that I have not been calling him as I don’t want to have anything to do with him after what he had done to me. And told her that I would not believe a single word he says. I sent her a screenshot of messages he was sending me while still in jail . Apologising for apparently misdialled my number from his cell!
So then she asked if he ever bought me a ring because he told her he never did. I sent her 2 pics of the ring with our names engraved! Then she was told by him that he never wanted to get married to me and I blackmailed him into staying!!! I again sent her a screenshot of messages where he was proclaiming his love for me till the day I discovered he wasn’t divorced and forged all the papers !
She said she was speechless.
She admitted that she has caught him lying several times already.
Then thanked me for my help .
What she knows is just a fraction of the whole story of deception and lies .
I dont want to contact her myself as I don’t want to get involved in his games again .
However, I feel she at least should know that he tried to infect me with herpes and passed a carcinogenic strain of HPV to me and as a result I had part of my cervix removed . Also don’t know if I legally can disclose his medical conditions to her.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
December 9, 2017 at 1:03 pm #43127
Any doctor who treated your husband is required by HIPAA (Patient Privacy rights) not to disclose his information. But there are no laws to my knowledge that would prevent you from telling someone, especially out of concern for their health. My only concern would be a possible retaliation on his part.
December 9, 2017 at 2:52 pm #43131
Omg I could have written this post,my ex’s new supply isn’t contacting but her friends are creeping and friend requesting. He also told people I was unfaithful and have three guys herpes, I have been std tested 5 times in three years because of his infidelities and so far… Negative. I do not have any symptoms of heroes and he is the one probably spreading it, and I think he tried infecting me,but no luck for his attempts. Unfortunately I was having abdominal and cervical issues and last year my lap smear revealed HPV and in March I had a hysterectomy to remove cancer. In June he was arrested …three felonies in August our divorce was final, in september, arrested again. He’s facing a lot of prison time and is also facing domestic violence charges which have been delayed due to his recent arrests and jail time.
December 9, 2017 at 3:53 pm #43133
Thank You Stargazer for your advice e. He wasn’t my husband but my boyfriend who wanted to get married to me so he forged his divorce papers. I know he gave HPV to his wife as well, I am not in touch with her but was communicating with her via her attorney last year . I think I will just wait and see if this woman contacts me again because if I do it he will convince her I am trying to ruin their relationship. Exactly what he was telling me when my sister and friends had doubts about him .
December 9, 2017 at 6:10 pm #43136
cloud79 I wouldn’t get involved. you have been through enough with this guy. if there were 2 women with evidence against him i would but being alone, i wouldn’t- my opinion.
December 9, 2017 at 7:11 pm #43137
I would be very careful sharing anyone’s medical information without his/her permission. I believe HIPAA covers more than a doctor sharing information. I work with lawyers who have indicated this. I agree with Sunnygal in terms of not getting involved. If I were you, I would move on from this situation and this guy. A happier life does await!
December 9, 2017 at 7:22 pm #43138
Cloud79, I just want to applaud you for what you did for this other woman = tell her the truth & for talking to her. So many past victims don’t want to get involved but I for one believe that it is vitally important to talk with any future victims that contact us. Before she called you she was trying to piece all the craziness & drama together that this evil man is creating in her life now. You confirmed to her that he is a liar & can harm her health. This is powerful Cloud79!!
Just be vigilant these coming months just incase the sociopath decides to mess with your home or car. If you see something strange write it down with the date & time. Keep track of everything. Most importantly follow your gut & call the police if some thing seems off.
You have saved this woman Cloud79. POWERFUL!! Bravo to you!!?
December 9, 2017 at 7:23 pm #43139
What you might be able to do Cloud79 is advise her to get specific testing done without mentioning his health issues. She will get the hint.
December 9, 2017 at 8:11 pm #43140
I truly appreciate your words.
I regret there wasn’t anyone there to save me. That’s why I think it’s so important for victims to communicate. I couldn’t understand why the wife never wanted to talk to me directly and release any information about his previous antics .
I hope that what I told that woman is enough for her to dump him and never look back . I know that she is friends with his mother who is actively covering up for him .
I am not afraid of him causing any damage to my property because I live in England and he is in The USA. I have never been afraid of him , not even when he was running with a loaded gun around the holiday house .
December 9, 2017 at 10:34 pm #43142
I do agree that we need to help each other. But, when trying to balance that with the chances of retaliation and getting sucked back in, it becomes a challenge. My narcissistic sociopathic ex boyfriend is a cop, and he is from a family of cops. I have seen him ask relatives for favors. I’m terrified to reach out to his new wife to warn her because of what could happen to me. I want to so badly. But, I also don’t wanna get sucked back in. All of the professional help I have sought has advised me that the best thing is to keep moving forward and maintain no contact with him or his new wife.
December 10, 2017 at 2:03 am #43145
I don’t know about other states but here, we have only had testing for HPV in the last 3 years or so during PAP smears. And chances are anyone who has had 8 partners in their life has some strand of HPV (I cannot recall my source on this, but I hear it’s very common.) It can be asymptomatic, and it can also go away by itself. Though men can have it and pass it along, there is no test for a man for HPV. Therefore, I think it’s pointless to warn the new victim about HPV. Even if she tested positive for it, she couldn’t know if he gave it to her. Nowadays, everyone should be very careful whom they sleep with.
December 10, 2017 at 4:42 am #43147
cloud79, regarding disclosure of health care information to third parties, here in the United States we have a law called HIPAA, as Stargazer mentioned, which stands for “Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act,” and protects the privacy of an individual’s health care information. (In the past I’ve seen lots of people spell it “HIPPA” because they’ve got a hippopotamus in mind (“Mud, glorious mud?”), but Stargazer and resilient85 are to be congratulated for spelling it right!) As resilient85 said, the law does not prohibit only doctors from disclosing a patient’s health information to unauthorized persons. However, to my understanding its scope is still limited to what are called “covered entities,” that’s to say, organizations having a formal business relationship with the patient, which includes insurers, employers and the like. So for instance a secretary working for a health insurer who has access to a patient’s private health information is prohibited from disclosing it to outsiders, though it can be shared among authorized entities for certain permitted legitimate purposes, an obvious example being between an insurer and a doctor or hospital.
However, if Tom runs into Dick in the street and tells Dick he’s got a bad cold–or even lung cancer for that matter–there’s nothing whatsoever to stop Dick from telling their friend Harry about Tom’s health woes the next time they meet. I don’t see how a law can prevent ordinary news that a private individual has acquired in the usual informal ways from being shared with a third party. That would be ridiculous! If Aggie ran into Bertha at the laundromat (sorry, “launderette” to you) and noticed that Bertha had grown a wart on her nose, I can’t imagine Aggie being prosecuted for telling her friend Carrie that Bertha was now suffering from warts! I don’t see how your own situation is any different in principle.
I realize you’re in England and don’t have the same health care system or the same laws, though I hope you have something similar to protect people’s privacy when it comes to information that a doctor or hospital is privy to. But if you do wish to pass on to this woman whatever you know, or have reasonable cause to suspect, about this guy being infected–that decision is entirely up to you, of course–I can’t imagine any legal barrier standing in your way. Especially if you’re in the UK and he’s here in the U.S. He’d have a hard time taking any action against you!
December 10, 2017 at 9:10 am #43149
We do have patient confidentiality laws in the UK . I am a healthcare professional and they are very strict over here.
When it comes to herpes he admitted to me he has it although he lied that he only just found out before we met . He was lying about being on acyclovir suppressing therapy . In reality he has known for years he has it and has never taken any antivirals for it (confirmed by his wife).The information about HPV was passed to me via his wife’s lawyer (she had tests and they were positive) so, then I went to have a smear test and it was positive as well and had to have the the abnormal cells removed . All my previous tests have never shown any abnormalities so I know it was passed to me by him. He doesn’t know we exchanged this information but if I tell his girlfriend I am sure she will inform him and all the hell will break loose!
- This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by cloud79.
December 10, 2017 at 11:33 pm #43162
I don’t know what women’s healthcare is like in the UK but it is only recent that they started testing for HPV during a routine pap smear over here. So unless you know for certain you were tested for HPV before, you can’t be sure he gave it to you. Even if you know he gave it to you, it’s probably too late for his newest victim to protect herself. I hear there are many many (maybe 100) strains of HPV and it is very common for anyone who has had over 8 partners in their life NOT to have contracted it at some point or other. I myself tested positive for it a few years ago. It apparently went away. I have no idea how long I had had it or where I got it. Sex in these times is very risky. I think it’s so important to really vet the person well you are going to sleep with. But I’m not sure it’s worth the potential trouble to tell his new gf.
December 11, 2017 at 9:04 pm #43171
If you tell his girlfriend, I think you will be victimized again. It is o.k. to protect yourself.
December 14, 2017 at 6:36 pm #43201
Thank you so much for posting your story. I think that FB and other social media, dating sites, etc., are taking the creepy world of narco-sociopaths and their flying monkeys to a new level. I’ve been entrapped for over a year with a guy i met via online dating, & am finally coming out of the fog of his lies/deceit. Early on, he refused my ‘friend request’ on FB (should’ve been my first red flag) and later i learned he’s exploiting/harassing women all over FB and other dating sites. Frightening…
December 15, 2017 at 7:09 pm #43210
It sounds like your ex’s new target had enough suspicions to reach out to you, and it sounds like you helped her out a lot. Even if she wavers not knowing whom to believe – you or the spath’s lies, you have given her some info she can come back to in her mind to help her make the right decision to get away when she is ready.
Your idea to just suggest to her she get tested for the STD sounds like a good solution. She will get the point, though you haven’t said anything specific. It sounds like you are being careful not to get too involved, while still extending some help to the latest victim. When I was in the worst of my ex psychopath experience, I wished very much I could talk to his first ex wife, but I did not want to cause her consternation so I didn’t contact her, but I came very close. I felt like she could have helped me.
“I have never been afraid of him , not even when he was running with a loaded gun around the holiday house.” If you were present when he was doing that, you might consider if he was putting anyone in danger. You might consider why you didn’t feel fear and what behavior on his part would cause you to worry. I had a false sense of security about my ex psychopath for a long time. It took me awhile to recognize how potentially dangerous he is. A person with this disorder does not have any restraints of conscience nor empathy to stop him from doing anything, including harming others to the point of murder, if he thinks that it will benefit him and if they think that he won’t get caught. Understanding his motives helped me to assess whether he might act violently. It was inaccurate of me to assume, ‘oh, he wouldn’t do….’ the way we can be certain of normal people’s boundaries whom we know well. My ex psychopath might have killed people or he might not have – depending on what was in it for him and whether he could get away with it. He is a pathological liar so he wouldn’t tell the truth about what he had done or planned to do, unless the truth happened to be the most effective way to manipulate.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by AnnettePK.
December 16, 2017 at 9:17 am #43217
Dear Uwfrog and Annette,
Thank you ladies for your contribution to the topic .
I have never been afraid of him because I survived emotional and physical abuse from my ex husband and that made me a very strong person .
And I could not believe that this was happening to me again (minus physical abuse). However, now I think that if I had stayed physical abuse would have been just a matter of time .
One day when we were talking via FaceTime before I went to the US to see him, he told me “when you are here , I will lock you up in a shed in the woods and no one will find you. You are gonna be mine forever ” I burst out laughing as I thought he was joking and asked if he wanted me to be his sex slave. His answer was “You think I’m joking ? Well, I’m not!”
Now, when I think about it I am almost convinced that he really wanted to do something like that, considering that his divorce was fake and he made the wife pregnant .
I know this man is very dangerous, not sure if both his ex wives and the new girlfriend realise that he is so much more than just a pathological liar . I am sure that it’s just a matter of time before he hurts someone as his actions are completely deranged and the lies seem to be getting even more outrageous.
December 16, 2017 at 12:08 pm #43223
Cloud, I relate to your feelings of strength due to being a survivor. In my case, my lack of fear led to me sometimes not protecting myself from abusers. I think it would have been better if I’d had a healthy fear, not necessarily dread or panic, of those who are potentially harmful to me. It’s my understanding now that spaths and other predators tend to target those of us who are more trusting and less skeptical/hesitant in getting in a relationship. Once in a ‘relationship’ the spath will use gaslighting and other techniques to confuse the victim and prevent her from recognizing the extent she is being harmed.
Empirical evidence shows that our intuition is a good indicator of someone’s dangerousness to us, even when our conscious mind doesn’t recognize any signs. It sounds like you have safety in distance and that you’re no longer interacting with him. Once spaths have a potential target on his radar they tend to return, even decades later, to see if there’s anything more they can exploit the target for. It may be helpful for you to keep your safety from him in mind in a general way. For example, you may want to limit your social media exposure by either staying off it completely or keeping everything private and invisible to anyone except friends you invite. Blocking someone from FB isn’t enough because they can use another profile to view your info. To the best of my ability, I try to make sure that my ex psychopath doesn’t get any info about me, where I’m living, what I’m driving, where I’m travlling to, etc.
When his abusiveness became evident in the ‘marriage’ I told my close friends that if anything happened to me to look closely at him, and I told him I’d done that. My living will stipulated that if I were incapacitated, he would not be allowed near me and that he would not be involved in any decisions. After we separated, I made sure my home was secure, I told the neighbors to let me know if they ever saw him around, and I did not accept the gifts of food and spring water he offered me a couple of times after we separated. I don’t know as he was trying to poison me, but I knew that he believed he would be better off if I didn’t exist and he had no conscience nor did he care about my well being.
December 17, 2017 at 10:28 pm #43233
cloud- i have never been given a STD thank goodness but i got a scabies infection and i have had no contact with anyone with this. i can only guess my sheets got infested in the laundry washing machine in the complex where i live. it is unfortunate anyone would pass on an infection, very unfortunate.
December 18, 2017 at 4:56 am #43234
People catch all sorts of infections every day. In this case we are talking about premeditated and calculated actions.
December 18, 2017 at 8:58 am #43235
Cloud, It sounds to me like Sunny’s comment that it’s regrettable that someone would pass on an infection does refer to the premeditated and calculated action of intentionally making another person sick.
January 4, 2018 at 11:11 am #43363
Yesterday I discovered something interesting. Something that makes me think that he has been using prostitutes and possibly that’s how he acquired his STIs.
For several months I have known he has this fake Facebook profile for spying. I know that because it pops up in my friends suggestions . There is no profile picture or any other pictures for that matter but he has used 2 of his middle names (which are very distinctive)!
I checked this profile once before and it was completely empty no friends , no information etc.
Yesterday when I was waiting for my flight I checked it again and he is friends with 3 ‘porn stars’ who look like some cheap and dirty hookers . He has liked their pictures and videos.
In my opinion this only confirms his disorder and feeling of superiority .
First of all, a normal person would not use his real names when opening a fake account which they are gonna use for checking up on people and certainly would not want to be associated with prostitutes and porn industry because that can be easily discovered. There is porn on the web everywhere why would someone do it on Facebook?!
You only do things like that if you think you can get away with it and you are smarter than anybody else!
- This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by cloud79.
January 5, 2018 at 1:33 pm #43382
For several years around the time I got away from my ex psychopath, I kept discovering more horrible things he’d been doing. At first I was horrified and in disbelief at what I was finding out; then I eventually realized that there is no limit on what he could have done; and that there is likely to be a lot more things I just never happened to find out about. A hallmark of the disorder is the mask they hide behind. Your ex may or may not have other FB profiles you’re not aware of, but you know enough to know what he is.
January 6, 2018 at 9:01 am #43391
Do you think I should let that woman (who contacted me) know what I have found out ?
January 6, 2018 at 12:04 pm #43393
That is probably a decision worth considering. You might list the pros and cons of contacting her and of not contacting her. Factors to consider are whether she has enough information already to make her decision whether to continue interacting with him. Also relevant is that since she reached out to you it sounds like she may want to know the info you uncovered. Is there a way you can email her and, without going into details, just briefly suggest she may want to take a look at the FB profile you found? It may be best if you don’t make any specific allegations, and let her draw her own conclusions. Although the FB profile probably is what you think it is, it can’t be proven. However unlikely, someone else could have made one using his names or it could be a weird coincidence.
If she is still interacting with your ex sociopath, you might consider opening an email account to use to contact her, so no one will have your ‘real’ email address.
It may increase your physical and emotional safety to prevent him from seeing or knowing anything about you. Consider making sure that his FB profile with the prostitute connections and any other FB profile out there cannot see your FB page if you still have one. Consider making your entire profile only visible to a short list of close friends. FB friends who are peripheral acquaintances whom he is also acquainted with might be used by him to view your FB page. Every situation is different, so you might consider what risk factors exist given what you know about him, and what steps you could take to stay anonymous and safe from him.
Seeing anything about him – what he’s doing etc., – is usually stressful, hurtful, and emotionally harmful to recovering victims, and hinders healing. You may want to limit your contact with his activities on line to the minimum it takes to have a general idea of what he’s up to if you think it will help you protect yourself from him. If you are safely on another continent, then you may not need to keep track of him at all to be safe. Any kind of contact from him is a threat to your recovery.
‘Relationships’ with spaths often have a lot of interaction on line instead of face to face in person time spent together. My ex psychopath managed to keep much of our interactions by telephone, skype, and email, even when we were ‘married’ and living in the same house. I found it helped me in recovery to spend more time in activities interacting with others in person and that center on a goal or activity, instead of just relating for the purpose of relating, like a ‘meet other singles’ group might be. Hiking groups, dancing groups, taking classes, volunteering, music jams, religious pursuits, etc. Interacting with others via computer can be very helpful (like this Lovefraud site!); but the potential for people to misrepresent themselves is high on the internet in general. Much of on line interactions are getting to be negative, snarky, and harmful. Much of it has become a surreal world with many disordered evil people doing all the talking.
Back to your question, I think it’s worth considering seriously, but there doesn’t seem to be any easy right or wrong decision. There’s a lot of factors to consider – what’s best for her, what’s best for you, possible repercussions if you do let her know, possible consequences if you don’t let her know. Your intuition as to what to do is worth considering, too.
January 6, 2018 at 12:29 pm #43394
Thanks for your advice.
He can’t physically harm me as he is as you said on another continent.
I have a Facebook account and to be honest he can spy on me as much as he likes . I have nothing to hide . I am not doing anything I should be ashamed of . When I discover things like that with the hooker friends it actually is a form of relief that it’s not me he is doing it to anymore. It doesn’t upset me that much . I always want to know the truth no matter how bad it is . I don’t need to be shielded from it .
The only way I can contact that woman is via Facebook as I don’t have her email address.
I know that he will deny that it’s his account if she shows it to him . I also know he may even say I have opened it to show him in a bad light etc .
It all really depends if she is naive enough to still believe him after the evidence she had received before and her own experiences with him .
January 7, 2018 at 10:50 am #43400
I’m glad you’re at a place where you don’t get triggered by him.
I think I can relate a bit about it being a relief to you when you discover his horrible antics. After my ex spath was gone, it helped me on some level to confirm my understanding that he is disordered. He blamed me for everything, it was reassuring to know he does what he does regardless of whom he’s with. You’re right, the truth is always better than being deceived and/or wondering.
If you message your ex spath’s current target via FB, you might consider whether he will see it if he has access to her account. She might show it to him anyway, but if he sees it without her permission she doesn’t have the option to keep it private. She may be naive and/or she may believe his lies to her about you and/or she may be under a hypnotic spell. My ex spath used hypnotic techniques on me which worked well to keep me interacting with him much longer than I would have otherwise. He also instilled fear of him in me with veiled threats and show of force (punching walls, using a knife to cut up a premarriage workbook we were working on), and being psychologically cruel and physically careless with my son. I guess another thing to consider is that even if she acts on the information you provide and leaves him, he will target someone else, sadly.
I understand what you’re saying that you don’t have anything you need to hide from him, or from anyone else, because you’re a decent person sharing your normal and good life, so why block him from your FB. That makes sense with respect to most normal situations, but it may not apply when dealing with a sociopath which is not a normal breakup nor was it a normal relationship. Interactions with spaths nearly always cause harm to the target because the spath’s goal is always exploitation. Spaths also enjoy the feelings of power and control they get from harming others, so harming others, causing stress, abuse, pathological lying, etc. are what they do. When normal friends and acquaintances read your FB posts they are interested in your well being and they are interested in what’s going on in your life because they care about you. When a spath does anything including checking on your FB page it’s for the purpose of seeing if there’s anything to further his goals of exploiting and harming you.
If someone lies to us, betrays us, fails to care about our well being, that person is a bad person, and he is inherently harmful to us. Eliminating that person’s access to us in every way possible is a step we can take to protect ourselves. It might be worth considering why you don’t mind a horrible lying betraying pervert who deceived you seeing anything about you and your life? You deserve to interact with people of good character who appreciate what you have to offer and who care about your well being.
January 8, 2018 at 8:25 pm #43416
I have just talked to this woman , the things I found out are truly scary!
I sent her screenshots of the fake profile and she told me he is on various dating websites , including one that is for people with STIs as well as BDSM ones . He was on them while we were together.
He forces this woman to have sex with him.
She was manipulated into this relationship by his mother who now does not want to have anything to do with her now. She is working 2 jobs to provide for him. He is not paying for anything, pretends he is too unwell. He kicks his elderly dog when he gets angry. He said he would like to kill bad people and he would not hesitate to kill someone.
He is ruined financially, the wife got the house , he does not care about his sons at all , just sits and plays video games.
He treats her like a slave , she has to do everything for him .
Truly shocking! He is a danger to society and I believe he will kill someone one day !
January 14, 2018 at 8:24 pm #43530
He is absolutely deranged! The girlfriend sent me screenshots of his conversations from a bdsm website where he is looking for a SLAVE (he once told me he would lock me in a shed in the woods- now I know he really had a plan to do it).
He is looking for ‘midget dating sites’ as well as hemaphrodites!
She also sent me screenshots of his Facebook search history where it shows he keeps checking on me and other women . Looks like he is almost doing all that stuff in the open . What is beyond me is the fact that this dangerous psychopath is still on the council board as a trustee!
January 21, 2018 at 4:13 pm #43629
He sounds pretty sick; and he was dishonest to you about his activities and his feelings for you. Sadly, they are often successful at deceiving society. It’s frustrating when people think they are such wonderful people. In my experience, though, there’s usually not anything those of us who know the truth can do to convince others what the spath is really up to and what his character is like. The best we can do for ourselves is to be sure we know someone well in a variety of situations before trusting them with our love and other resources. The best we can do for others is to support them and answer any questions about the spath if they become aware of his disorder.
You now know that he is not a good person, he’s into various perversions, he’s a pathological liar, and he’s a predatory manipulator in relationships, that results in harm to his target. You know enough to be certain you are better off not interacting with him ever again. It is likely that your recovery will be more complete and quicker if you protect yourself from anything and anyone to do with him. For the sake of your emotional and psychological well being, consider not having interactions with anyone else about him, nor seeing anything about him on line.
Unless there is a very important reason for allowing him to see your FB page, consider making your profile and anything you post on FB private and only visible to your closest friends who would not have contact with him. If he’s stalking you on FB there is a reason, and the reason is likely to be harmful to you. The more he knows about you the easier it would be for him to create a fake FB or dating profile and target you again in some weird way. He may desire to harm you just because he wants to ‘win’ in his mind, if he feels that you have outed him and that you see through his mask.
He really doesn’t deserve to know anything about you. You are a good person with valuable attributes that are appropriately shared in interactions with your friends and family of good character who care about your well being. He doesn’t belong in your world.
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