July 22, 2020 at 9:10 am #63398
For all of you in recovery I’m curious about how you let go of the pain? I know that my ex is mentally ill but it’s so hard to wrap my head around all the lies, cheating and that my whole relationship for years was just an allusion. As I’m going through the smearing it’s been so hard. I do therapy, I journal, I educate myself about this, I talk to friends and family and I still feel awful. I’ve been no contact for 8 weeks. I don’t want or miss him I just feel creeped out, sad, and embarrassed this happened to me, that I was living with and trying so hard to make it work with a psychopath. I just want to feel better, what else can I do?
July 22, 2020 at 10:18 am #63400emilie18Participant
Letting go of the pain took time and work for me. Finding this website was huge – it helped me know I was not alone, I was not an idiot or a fool, and that what happened was not my fault. Writing helped a lot – I journalled every day, wrote down all my feelings, all my anger – both at myself and at him – and all the small victories as I processed the truth. I allowed myself to experience the emotions as they came up, to remember both good and bad times, and to forgive myself for falling for the con. I reminded myself daily that I am a good, open, kind, compassionate human being. I recognized that he was not any of those things, even when times were good. It was all an act. It took a lot of tears, a lot of writing, a lot of reading other peoples stories, a lot of self-talk and affirmations – and time. Until one day I woke up and realized I had not dreampt about him, had not thought of him and I did not care a whit about him. He had no power over me – I had taken back my power. For me the process took a while, and sometimes I relapsed into self-blame and anger – but not often anymore. I let those feelings wash through, then reminded myself that I am strong, I am healthy, and I am wiser for the experience.
Give yourself time and space and permission to rage and scream and cry – it all helps. Then acknowledge yourself as the amazing, wise, self-sufficient, beautiful person you are.
July 22, 2020 at 10:49 am #63401
Thanks so much, I just hate feeling this way. All his superficial flattery helped to build my self esteem and now I really doubt myself and struggle to see myself the same way and really question my own qualities now. I know it takes time but it’s hard to know I’ve been replaced and he seems happy, it seems like they always win even though I know he’ll never change and I’ll be better off.
July 23, 2020 at 3:48 pm #63463Donna AndersenKeymaster
lady212 – Many people ask how long it takes to feel better. The answer, however unsatisfactory, is that it takes as long as it takes. As Emilie18 says, allow yourself to cry, rage, scream, etc – the emotions need to come out. We have lots of information here on Lovefraud, and also webinars that may help you.
Be gentle with yourself. It is a big shock. It will take time to recover.
July 29, 2020 at 12:14 pm #63495need2healParticipant
Hi Lady212, I’m sorry you’re experiencing what many of us have lived through. Know you’re not alone and everything you’re feeling is normal. 8 weeks is still very soon so be kind to yourself and know more ups and downs lie ahead but the ups will come more frequently and last longer.
What really jumps out to me in your letter is “being replaced and he seems happy.” I also struggled greatly with that. My ex-N married someone else 8 weeks after he told me he was not dating anyone, and only 3 months after he left me. I was devastated even more than I had been and thought I was already at the bottom of the barrel. I found a new level of pain with that information. Like you, I also had no self esteem, confidence, etc. Karma will work in your favor although she may take her time. My ex is making someone else’s life miserable and his life is just as chaotic and draining as he was with me, and with the girlfriend before me, and his ex-wife before her! He will never change. They are incapable of doing so. There is NOTHING wrong with your value or worth! He has made you question that with his treatment of you and playing on your emotions. There is something wrong with him!
You’re doing the right things by having a support system around, no contact with him, and moving on with your life. It will get easier and better with time. I met new friends by going to Meetup social events and took a huge leap and went on a singles cruise by myself. It was scary as Hell but one of the best things I ever did!! I have friends all over the world now that I have traveled with many times! Some are just as much a part of my social/support circle as friends I’ve had for many years. Those people were a very significant part of rebuilding my confidence and self esteem because they saw me through their healthy brained eyes and said nice things to me and about me. My ex had to make himself feel better by tearing down everyone around him. That’s not normal!
Keep doing the positive things you’re doing for yourself and when you’re ready, or maybe even when you don’t quite feel ready yet, take a leap of faith and do something that’s outside your normal comfort zone. It may be one of the best decisions of your life!
July 29, 2020 at 1:38 pm #63497
Thank you so much for your reply- I think pushing myself to do things out of my comfort zone is a good idea. I’m going to give it a try. Thanks again.
September 5, 2020 at 6:27 pm #63817sept4Participant
I’m sorry for your pain. I am not sure how long it takes. I think it greatly varies by individual, by personality type, and what else you have going on in our life. Just like with physical injuries: some people can recover fine and relatively quickly, other people need lengthy rehab, and other people never really recover.
My divorce is years in the past and I have been no contact for years but I am still struggling emotionally. I don’t think that is normal though. I think most people can move on after a solid period of no contact.
September 5, 2020 at 6:37 pm #63818sept4Participant
Sadly I think they do almost always win. They don’t experience sadness or grief or loss. They just move on without looking back. They genuinely don’t care about the damage they left behind. As long as they have money or whatever they want out of life they are happy. They don’t need genuine connection or love to be happy. They are unburdened by empathy or remorse or morals. Life really is much easier that way.
I think the only way they lose is if they cross the wrong person one day. Someone equally or more sociopathic. This happened to my ex in the past. He got into some shady business deal with some shady guy who understood his weakness and knew how to manipulate him with flattery and inflating his ego. And that guy conned my ex for a large amount of money. This could also happen if one day they get into a relationship with a sociopathic woman like a gold digger who takes them for all they have or who blackmails him with a false rape claim etc.
So the only way they face a reckoning is if they engage an equally or more sociopathic person. As long as they stay around normal people with empathy and morals they will always have the upper hand and will always win.
(This was meant as a reply to post # 63401)
- This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by sept4. Reason: (This was meant as a reply to post # 63401)
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