How to move on when you have children together

[rainbowaftertherain]

Hi I’m new here. I found this site after reading Psychopath Free, which opened my eyes even further and validated a lot of the things I experienced in the relationship.

I have three children with this man. Our last child is only 1 month old.

How do I move on with children? I can’t do the no contact as I would prefer to do. Although I did try no contact for a while and am still trying until he decides he wants to speak to or see the children.

He is telling me to change my mind and come back home and try to make it work with him. Part of me feels empathetic and it’s pulling at my heart. But my mind is telling me that it’s time to move on from this toxic, unhealthy relationship.

He has said and done things in the past that I’m too embarrassed to even mention but I will mention it anyway:

Slapped me while I was pregnant
Spit in my face
Choke me unconscious
Call me useless, lazy, cold hearted, piece of sh*t
Pull my hair
Pin me down/ restrain me physically, almost to the point of suffocation

And so much more

I just can’t believe how I could still forgive and love someone who has done these things to me. But I still do care and love him. I still see good in him and want to believe that things can get better.

But after reading the book and researching relationship abuse, I realize that it is best for me to move on and heal from all of the trauma I experienced.

I packed up what I could and left before the New Year with my children. Does anyone have any tips, suggestions, ideas, or advice for how to move on with children.

This would be so much easier for me if we didn’t have children as I would have blocked him completely in every way and even move far away from him to start my journey of recovery.

But I’m nearby and he has access to me because of the children.

Thank you in advance for all replies.

[Donna Andersen]

Rainbow after the rain – Welcome to Lovefraud – although I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

You are making the correct decision, which you know intellectually, although your emotions are still being pulled. A big reason for that is because relationships with sociopaths are highly addicted, and there is a good chance that you feel trauma bonded — a strong emotional attachment to someone who is destructive to you. Trauma bonds are created by a power imbalance in your relationship, plus intermittent reinforcement — alternating good and bad treatment.

Now is a very critical time for you. You’ve left, and how you proceed right now will make a big difference in your life for years to come. Therefore, I recommend that you thoroughly educate yourself about what you are dealing with and what your options are.

The best place to start is probably our webinars on leaving and divorcing a sociopath. I’m not necessarily telling you that in order to sell webinars – although they are very inexpensive – but because the webinars are structured to provide you with actionable advice. You can see them here:

Courses for survivors: Leaving and divorcing sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths

Lovefraud also has free information, although it’s not as concisely presented. Look for articles here:

How to leave or divorce a sociopath

There are some great tips in my book, “Dealing with a sociopath” – the e-book is only $7.99.

Dealing with a Sociopath (ebook or softcover)

Other members of the Lovefraud community will probably respond to your email – feel free to ask for additional advice.

The key is to recognize that if your partner is a sociopath – and the physical abuse indicates that he probably is – he will never change. There is no rehabilitation. This is vital for you to know as you make your way forward.

[sept4]

I’m so sorry.

If he is physically abusive you should be able to get a restraining order against him in court. I think in your circumstances and considering his access to the kids you should go to court over this.

As to how to manage contact with him there is a method called “grey rock” that you can google. It’s based on being as minimal and boring as possible in your interactions with him. The idea is he will get bored of your interactions and will move his targeting to someone more stimulating.

[Author]

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