How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Just realized I've actually been abused, and I'm not nuts.
March 2, 2019 at 2:25 am #49139valiant54Participant
The last five years of my life have been stolen from me. I dated, and eventually married, a malignant narcissist at best but possibly a sociopath. He literally sucked the life out of me. I broke up with him while we were dating and ended up taking him back when he told me everything I wanted to hear. We got married, had a baby. Things escalated and eventually fell apart entirely. We’re currently separated, he’s going to church and therapy now and insists he is changing, asked me to hold off on filing for divorce. I look at him, however, and don’t believe he’ll ever change. I’ve been honest with him and told him I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him and that just gets him going again on how he needs to change for himself, he is sorry, he never wants to be “that guy” again, etc. I’m entirely numb while he’s saying this. I’ve come to distrust every word that comes out of his mouth. He says I need therapy so I can love him and trust him. I don’t think there’s any amount of therapy that can do that. I’ve been reading up on abusive relationships and narcissists and although I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person, I missed EVERY cue, red flag, you name it. I feel like a fool and a failure for hanging on as long as I did, and even though I don’t regret having our son, I regret the fact that I am forever connected to the man as a result. I feel like I’ll never be free.
I apologize for rambling. I only just started reading about this stuff tonight. I logged on to thoughtcatalog tonight just to kill time and I saw an article about emotional abuse and clicked on it. Then on three other related articles. Now I probably won’t be able to sleep because I’m just reeling from everything I’ve been reading, and the adrenaline from the realization and validation of what I’ve been going through has got me wide awake. I don’t know how to even begin to process what I’ve learned, and how to cope and recover.
March 3, 2019 at 4:57 pm #49141Donna AndersenKeymaster
Valliant54 – Welcome to Lovefraud. I am so sorry for your experience. What you have described so far about your husband is typical sociopathic behavior. You are correct in that he will never change.
I know this information can really knock you flat. You’re probably in shock. But once you get over the shock, you may take some comfort in understanding that it is not you and it never was. He is the problem.
March 3, 2019 at 7:26 pm #49148Jan7Participant
HiValliant54, listen to your gut instinct about your husband!!! Your gut is telling you who he is & that he will never change!! Believe your gut!!
DO NOT TELL your husband what you are learning here at Lovefraud for your safety. If he is like my ex h, he knows exactly who he is.
Plan your exit out of this abusive marriage with the help of trusted friends, family and also your local abuse center. They can help you with a “Domestic Abuse Exit & safety plan” out.. The most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she is about to leave or has just left. Filing for divorce may set him off, so please have a Exit & safety plan in place prior to handing him divorce papers.
It’s very common for a abuser to talk a victim back into the abusive relationship with their con game…they use manipulation, pity me stories (i.e. you are the only one that ever loved me, or no one will ever love me” etc etc), pathological lying (look this term up here at LF and also on the net), they instead fear & phobia etc etc. It’s all a game.
My ex h did the same…ugh…he made promises that he would go to counseling both individual & marriage. HE never went to individual counseling. And marriage counseling he lied, conned, manipulated the counselor who turned on me. Even thought the first day I told her he would do this to her. These guys no how to con everyone…they have been doing it since they were children.
Look up at the top of Lovefraud at the “Store” to find excellent books. It would recommend you start with Donna Anderson’s book (site creator) and also the book “Husband, Liar, Sociopath”. Both will wake up your mind from his con game. Also up at the top watch the “Video” that Donna has made…they are eye opening & excellent.
Also do a search on Mary Ann Glenn here at love fraud. She has free online group counseling meetings. She has several videos interviews with Donna so do a search on those.
I’m sorry that you have been living in hell. It’s a nightmare. But, now you are learning the truth…it’s scary, your emotions will be all over the place…this is normal. Look up “grieving stages” this is what you will go thru.
Look up here on Lovefraud:
No contact rule
Grey rock method
gas lighting abuse
sociopath smear campaign
Dont tell your husband your plans to get divorce UNTIL you have all your ducks in a row. Living with a narcissist/sociopath narcissist is hell…divorcing one is the bottom of hell. They will drag it out to exhaust their spouse. It’s all part of their power & control that they want & desire.
You should be so proud of yourself for all the steps you have taken to get out of this abusive marriage. Also for clicking on that article which lead you to this wonderful site Lovefraud. This site is a safe haven and a incredible blessing for all of us that escaped the narcissist or sociopath narcissist in our past lives.
Sending you huge hugs???…keep reading everything here & venting.
Take care. ?
March 4, 2019 at 5:53 pm #49202slimoneParticipant
It is a big gut punch when we finally see what is happening. It totally takes reality and stands it on it’s head. Nearly all of these types of people will ‘fight’ hard to keep control of their partners, mostly because they want control, need their targets to provide them with some stimulation, and because they may think they can still squeeze some more drama out of the situation. Generally when anyone goes back into the relationship the lies, manipulations, and abuses escalate. They take it as a chance to REALLY get under you skin, and into you psyche, to create maximum damage.
Jan 7 is correct. Listen to your GUT. It knows the truth. Words are just words, they are not a pattern of behavior; which you have clearly identified. Your husband is not going to change. You do not need therapy to accept him. This is one of the common tricks they play, to make you feel that you both share the blame 50-50. When in fact, in his head, you truly are THE problem. He will pretend to take a wee bit of the responsibility, but it is all an act.
Please listen to your inner instincts. They are telling you the right things. Protect yourself.
March 5, 2019 at 6:11 pm #49274regretfullymineParticipant
DO NOT, DO NOT believe his lies that he’s changing (going to church, asking for postponement of divorce,therapy, etc)..I heard that too, the copious tears of repentance, promises to treat me better, give him another chance..etc, etc..These people DONT CHANGE, CANT CHANGE, WILL NEVER CHANGE. These are just ploys for your pity, sympathy..dont do it..keep your divorce plans secret, and when you’re able/ready..have your support in place and GO..dont look back. Your gut is correct, He IS the problem..You WILL be free, when you DO leave..
March 6, 2019 at 8:35 pm #49358monicapzParticipant
Growing up, I was GROOMED to give, give and give some more to my sociopathic parents and siblings, waiting on them hand and foot. As I got older, I found myself involved with one sociopathic partner after another. When you get counseling with a counselor familiar with victims of sociopaths, explore if this may have got started in your childhood, so you can break the cycle! Recommend two DVDs — “Soft Is The Heart of a Child,” and “House of Strangers.”
March 11, 2019 at 3:09 pm #49387valiant54Participant
Thank you all for your kind words and very useful advice and instructions. So far I have stuck to my guns in demanding a divorce, and the way he reacts just reinforces the fact that I am making the right decision. He threatens me with lawyers (laughable, since we have nothing together except our son), tries to intimidate me (“I have so much on you”, but can never tell me what that is.. again, laughable, I’ve never done anything to him), and tells me that he can get the days and times he wants to call or see our son if he gets a lawyer involved. Just to clarify, our son is autistic and in 13 hours of therapy a week, and he currently takes him only on Sundays for about 5-6 hours; I told him that he’d have to work around MY schedule (I also have an older son in high school who I have to take back and forth) to call and visit, and he blew up and started in with all the horrible crap again. He says he’s only interested in our son’s well-being, yet he says he can force me to change his therapy appointments to accommodate his requests for days and times he wants to visit or talk to him. Then he says he can take him from me if he wants to (which I know won’t happen, but it still hurts that he’d even say that). I could go on and on.. he is truly Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Today he’s contrite Dr. Jekyll, proclaiming his love and promising that he’ll change if I just give him ANOTHER chance. No dice. Especially considering that last night my conversation with psychopathic Mr. Hyde he said some really horrible things. I told him I wanted off of his rollercoaster to Crazyville once and for all. All he talks about is how hurt he is, how hard this is for him, etc. Not once does he bother to mention what I have been through. Now that I’m away from him, I see things very clearly, and am SO GLAD I got out. There’s no danger of me taking him back, but he sure is trying. It’s all so exhausting, having to deal with him on top of taking care of our little guy (he’s 2) and having had to move in with family, which means everyone here gets to be a part of my drama with him, which is humiliating. I know it will get better, and in the meantime, I’m taking it minute by minute. I still have to play nice but I’m not giving him any false hope that he can throw in my face later, either. I’m nothing but brutally honest with him and I remind him that everything he’s still paying for was because HE chose to, not because I asked him to. I have not asked him for anything and I plan to keep it that way. He says he just wants to love me, he loves me, I’m the only one he’s ever loved he just didn’t know how to love me, he’s sorry, blah blah blah. I don’t care anymore! Like I said, exhausting. All of it. I can’t work right now with the baby in therapy so I’m trying to do things from home to bring in some cash so I can at least pay my few bills. He knows this, but still monopolizes my time, even on the days when he has our son. I know I’m rambling again, I apologize, it’s just so overwhelming. Guess I just needed to vent. It does feel good to get it out (I don’t have anyone to talk to about all this) and know that you all truly understand and can help me get through this. Thanks.
March 11, 2019 at 6:43 pm #49390Donna AndersenKeymaster
valiant54 – I am very glad that you are seeing everything clearly. The best thing you can do is get him out of your life and your child’s life. If he goes away – count your lucky stars!
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