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Mother is dying, he’s killing me.

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This topic contains 28 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Donna Andersen 3 days ago.

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  • #45439

    beautifulmonkey
    Participant

    My Mother has been terminally ill with Cancer for 5 months. Her condition declined this Monday. To be fair he and I have not been doing well for the past year since I really realized what he is and stopped chasing behind him, moved out of the room and stopped accepting his crumbs of love and seeing them for what they are… crumbs. But we have been still living in the same home and being cordial. He says he wants to fix us but doesn’t really do anything to help fix us and I’ve tried on my own for years.

    On to now… I have spent everyday since Monday at my Mothers bedside only coming home (to see my son) and sleep at night. Starting Monday he was not cruel or mean to me he just didn’t contact me at all, all day, to see how I or my Mother was. When asked why he hadn’t called nor checked on me at all in the first 2 days he got angry and said, “I didn’t realize I needed to CALL you to be supportive through this shit.” He is not angry I’m visiting my Mother, he is angry that I asked for his support. He said yesterday that he knows my Mother is dying and I don’t need to keep reminding him. I told him I’m reminding him because due to the way he’s acting one would think he didn’t know. At which point he said that I am using my Mothers dying as a scapegoat to get out of the argument about why I’m asking him to help around the house while I’m doing this. He has not asked me not to visit my Mother, he just gets angry when I ask him to be supportive of what I’m going through, or cook dinner, or do anything to make things easier right now.

    He has always had a tendency to say things that I feel are cruel, typically during an argument or disagreement. Afterwords he will say I made him angry and he didn’t think before speaking. He does not have any close relationships other than with myself (his children do not speak to him, his mother and siblings live on the other side of the country and they speak typically twice a year by phone. In 6+ years I have never met them and he has not gone to visit, nor have they visited us. I say that to say that I am the only one he treats this way. He is decent with people at work yet they are not close to him so honestly I am the only person who sees him act and behave this way. He has 2 emotions and they are either blah or angry and when he’s angry it’s usually because I asked him to step outside of the blah box and help. The blah box is his expectation to go to work, get off, and any time outside of work is to be spent in front of the tv watching television and playing on his iPad. And If I mess with that there is trouble. And if I don’t want to sit and do that also (say I go for a walk with a friend or like now when I have daily been at my mothers bedside) he will begin to act out by being extremely rude of I ask for anything while I’m gone, it could be as simple as washing the dishes. He will say “if your busy, you think I have to be busy.” Even though I have tried to explain that I am not home to take care of these things.

    Before everyone asks why have I stayed with someone so cruel.. honestly the first 5 years or so he truly had a way of turning whatever he did to where I would consistently doubt myself on everything that happened. I started to feel I was loosing my mind and seeked therapy. That is when I started getting a handle on what I was dealing with and started hearing words like covert narcissist, sociopath, lack of empathy. I have never in my life met a person that almost seems as if they have no soul and need no bonds with anyone. How did I bond with someone like that? Because in the beginning, everything I needed was everything he was and I didn’t have the slightest clue that he was basically mirroring me and what I was saying. He would tell anyone and everyone he loved me. And once we started arguing due to things he started doing (lying, etc.) he would bring those same people in and they would unknowingly convince me that he loved me and this was just a small mistake. I have always been the person that wondered how women get into situations like this, I now know that it is a very slow fade from the wash of love I felt in the beginning to the mental “abuse”?, “pain”?… that I feel now. It happened over years, with seclusion, assistance from far off friends who didn’t know they were helping him and honestly a low self esteem from me that I never realized I had until now. Why do I say that? Because I was a confident, self made, small business owner who everyone thought had it together when he met me and now I’m on a site wondering how I got from point a. To point b. In 6+ years if I had ever been truly confident. Which tells me I must have had some sort of hidden issue of my own to allow this to happen.

    I just wanted to put some background. This is not new, I don’t know why I’m surprised. My few friends are saying I shouldn’t be surprised and they say I should just leave but I have nowhere to go so they say I just have to stay in the house and ignore him. I can’t ignore this! It’s killing me. My MOTHER is dying and my heart is breaking and I feel I’m going crazy and I have been left to hurt alone all week. And in the midst of all of this I am online begging strangers to help me because I am falling apart and if I try to tell him that he just curses me out and says I’m making everything about my Mother. So when I leave my Mothers house I come home to cruelty. I AM EXHAUSTED!!

  • #45441

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Sorry you are going through this. Are you getting any help from hospice? When my friend’s husband died she had hospice help.

    • #45464

      beautifulmonkey
      Participant

      Sunnygal.. Hospice is there. They come once a day and yes they have been a Godsend.

      Redwald… I have no one I can stay with it either here or a hotel and I don’t want to live in a hotel. My son is 17 but he hates him and I would never make him stay here without me.

      Flowerchild65… It is very hard to go greyrock method on someone who literally only gets upset if I ask something of him. Believe me if I didn’t speak to him he would be more than happy getting a free roommate out of our breakup. I have no interest in controlling someone at all. If you state this is from abuse the certainly I don’t want to further whatever has made him this way in the first place. My interest is in getting control of myself back.

  • #45451

    Redwald
    Participant

    I’m very sorry to hear about your mother. That was a good point Sunnygal made about hospice. At the very least hospice help can provide emotional and other support. They may have support therapy groups and so forth.

    If you have some friends, is there any chance you can stay with one for a time while you’re coping with all this? Or stay at your mother’s house? Just leave Jerkwad to his own devices? He’ll feed himself if there’s nobody there to do it for him. The world won’t fall apart if you stop doing for others for a time and focus on taking care of your mother while you still have her with you.

    You didn’t say how old your son is. If he’s from a previous marriage, is he old enough to look after himself for a while? Could you take him with you and stay at your mother’s house? Just don’t let yourself get stretched too thin, that’s all.

  • #45455

    flowerchild65
    Participant

    Dear BeautifulMonkey….WHERE ARE YOU??? Hello? I am VERY concerned about you. I am in a similar situation. You’re going to need to go Gray Rock Method with this piece of dog shit. Listen up. He is this way because of his Mother. Trust me. I have done YEARS of research on this. Every time you say ANYTHING to him that is NOT stroking his ego and questioning him about his behaviors he is TRIGGERED and goes into flashback mode. He sees you as his abuser/mother. You cannot and should not expect any normal human responses from him, because he literally has brain damage. You’re going to NEED to change your perspective. In your mind you tell yourself this “He is a mental patient and I am the normal one. I need to play mind games with him now instead of the other way around”…..I live with a psycho as well, but I’ve got him under MY control now. I also have an 87 year old at home that I am taking care of. Please do not ask that piece of dog SHIT to do anything at all to help you in any way. He is INSANE. Do you hear me? This guy is not normal, so you cannot expect anything normal from him. How old is your son? I have a 20 year old and he is affected by this as well. He is an internet gaming ADDICT now.
    Please go to this womans YouTube channel and watch her stuff:
    The Little Shaman Healing

  • #45462

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    flowerchild- it is not good to put your email here.

  • #45466

    beautifulmonkey
    Participant

    Sunnygal.. Hospice is there. They come once a day and yes they have been a Godsend.

    Redwald… I have no one I can stay with it either here or a hotel and I don’t want to live in a hotel. My son is 17 but he hates him and I would never make him stay here without me.

    Flowerchild65… It is very hard to go greyrock method on someone who literally only gets upset if I ask something of him. Believe me if I didn’t speak to him he would be more than happy getting a free roommate out of our breakup. I have no interest in controlling someone at all. If you state this is from abuse the certainly I don’t want to further whatever has made him this way in the first place. My interest is in getting control of myself back.

  • #45467

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    what is the situation with the house? who owns it? why is he there?

    you sound better.

  • #45468

    beautifulmonkey
    Participant

    SunnyGal…
    It is a rental. Honestly we should not have even resigned the lease this feb. I did it because my business had slowed down and he said he would change. We have not slept in the same bedroom since August. I know he is a sociopath but then there are times that I think maybe I am crazy.

    For one, he is extremely lazy with the exception of being 30 minutes early to work everyday. He works in construction and won’t even shower when he comes home until midnight and sits on my brand new couches.
    Two he is extremely immature and tantrums like a child.
    Three he always seems so innocent to what he’s doing almost as if he truly doesn’t know any better.
    Four I always end up feeling like he’s the victim. Honestly what’s the worst he’s doing? He literally wouldn’t speak to me if I didn’t say anything to him. He just wants the tv and food and his master bedroom. I am the one always getting upset that he feels we should still live together if he’s putting nothing into the relationship.
    Five he never wanted sex. He suffers from P.E and says sex gives him anxiety. He just wants to masturbate to porn or have nothing at all. Hence the only time he’s ever messed with other women has been emotional via texts and email with penis pics and words of all he will do to them.
    Six he just doesn’t want ANY expectations of him at all. He makes me feel if I ask anything of him I am putting too much pressure. He’s like a broken child who screams and tantrums when he doesn’t get his way and I constantly feel sorry for him.

  • #45469

    beautifulmonkey
    Participant

    He literally went to my Mothers house today(he has NEVER had a relationship with her) as she lay on her deathbed unable to speak and visited with her in front of my Aunt and Uncle AFTER I left and AFTER he has ignored me all day. I feel he’s trying to drive me insane. Because I’m sure now to everyone in that house he is a great guy but they have no clue he has not spoken t9 me all day and him and my Mother May have spoken 100 words t9 each other in 6+ years. She always prayed I would leave him. I am sickened that he went to see her and use this as a ploy for his gain.

  • #45476

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    He is a spath and he probably is trying to drive you crazy but he will not succeed. I would focus on your mother’s care and after she is gone plan to end the relationship with this sick man.

  • #45478

    flowerchild65
    Participant

    I’m a little confused. Your original post said “He’s killing me” so this is why I suggested the grey rock method. You stated that he only gets upset if you ask something of him. My question is: when he gets upset, what is your reaction? Do you attempt to justify yourself? When he gets upset do both of you argue? If not, then how is he “killing” you? It’s YOUR reaction to his emotional outbursts that’s important. You stated “I have no interest in controlling someone at all.” Not sure where it was suggested that you control him? You also said that you do not want to further whatever made him this way, well, then you’re going to need to stop asking him to do anything. I also read the other replies where you mentioned his daily activities. He sounds very similar to the psycho that I live with. Almost exact same behavior. You are correct when you say he is like a broken child. They are broken children and they have physical brain damage. Their amygdala is malformed and he probably has prefrontal cortex damage….He was most likely sexually abused as well. It is quite common with these types of “people”. Like I mentioned above, you’re being gas lighted and he is also giving you the silent treatment. The ONLY way you’re going to survive this is to change your perspective. Realize that he is “special” (mentally deranged) . You have got to IGNORE what he does and accept that he is someone that will never change. They are incapable of changing, because everything is some one elses fault.
    You also said ” I’m sure now to everyone in that house he is a great guy but they have no clue”. After I discovered what this piece of shit is, that manipulated me to move into his house, I have been on a mission to tell everyone and anyone who he really is when I am out in town. Because if I die here, they need to know what he is. He is also a pedophile. I live in a small HICK town population about 3000 and there are many, many “people” here that are socio/psychopaths. WHY? Because, out in the country, child abuse behind closed doors seems to be RAMPANT. These assholes prey on the kind/caring women and then after they have stuck their fangs in them (married or moved in together) the naive women find out who they really are. Many are ex-military and active military since many sociopaths join the military in order to have someone tell them, what to do, how to do and when to do. They need structure because they cannot structure their own lives. They love the thrill. Many are paratroopers….no boundaries whatsoever. Anyway, I do nothing but document his everyday behaviors. I need to, because if something happens to me, I have documentation. One day long ago he even grabbed his shotgun and went out in town looking for me to shoot me. I just took off to the next town and waited for him to cool off. Now I realize that it is all about HOW I react to him. I play the
    game” with him now. I PRETEND that there is nothing wrong with him, then I ignore all the dysfunctional things that he does and I do my best to focus on me and my son. He is also not allowed to leave the property without me as an escort since he is a pedophile or I will EXPOSE what he really is to his adult daughters. Have a good one. Do not allow that PIECE OF SHIT to take up residence in your brain. Focus on your mother, your son and yourself. I wish you all the best, girl!! 🙂

  • #45480

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Beautifulmonkey – I am so sorry about what you are going through. The guy is a complete sociopath and he will never change. You cannot expect him to act like a human being. He lacks the capacity to do so.

    With that stunt about him visiting your mother while your relatives were there, he was laying groundwork for a smear campaign. His intention is to turn your own family against you, to keep control over you.

    Do what you need to do with your mother, and then plan your escape. If you need to ignore him in the house until you can leave, fine. Just make up your mind that it is coming to an end.

    Yes, he was great in the beginning. That was his seduction strategy. It was all fake.

    Have faith in yourself.

    • #45487

      beautifulmonkey
      Participant

      Donna,
      I wonder sometimes if the issue is me. When I say he wouldn’t bother me if I had no needs or expectations I mean it. He thinks we should continue to live together, act as if we are in a relationship meaning he still calls me pet names and I still cook for him. But I shouldn’t ask him for anything a relationship entails and also no emotional support whatsoever. So when I say I can’t grey rock someone who doesn’t care I mean that. I think I’m the issue because he has shown me exactly who he is over and over again and yet when anything happens where I need him, he seems to grey rock me, or silent treatment. The ONLY time he gets angry is if I ask for any sort of emotional support or for him to help out in the house, etc then he rages. And still for some insane reason I think he will care and be supportive and help me but he doesn’t so I end up crying and being sad and oftentimes after he’s yelled at me for asking for his support I end up screaming that I can’t believe how he treats me as if I am nothing and I need nothing. His response, “look how your acting, who would be there for you, your acting like a crazy bitch.” And he’s right, I am, and he is eerily calm once I get to that point.

  • #45490

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Beautifulmonkey – The whole point of a relationship is to have mutual support. You should be able to expect him to be supportive. There is nothing wrong with your expectations.

    You are probably addicted to the relationship. This is not a criticism – all relationships with sociopaths are addictive. And when they treat you badly, it strengthens the bonds that you feel. So in that sense, yes, you do need to do some work on yourself so that you can disengage.

    But there is absolutely nothing wrong with your basic expectations of support from him. Unfortunately, he will never meet those expectations. I recommend that you end the involvement. It will never get any better.

  • #45493

    Redwald
    Participant

    beautifulmonkey, I’m sorry you’re having so much difficulty coping with this man’s callousness. I dare say you’ve accepted at an intellectual level the brutal reality that he’s never going to care, that all he does is rage if you ask him for the simplest things—a little help around the house while you’re so overburdened, sympathy and emotional support, or whatever. Yet I’m sure you’re having a hard time coming to terms with that reality on an emotional level. He is in a very real sense “inhuman,” being devoid of all empathy. In the poignant words of Our Savior: “What man is there among you, who if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?” Yet that’s exactly what this guy does: gives you a stone. The immense frustration it’s causing you makes it hard to dismiss his uncaring attitude with the cool contempt he deserves.

    I really don’t know what to say that might help, except that you need to vent your very natural anger and frustration somewhere away from him, whether it’s to others (like your friends) who can sympathize, or even on your own. Donna has talked in the past about the value of “punching a pillow” for instance. It’s just important to “get those feelings out” somehow so that you can face him with whatever degree of equanimity you can muster, and not let him “push your buttons.” That’s his excuse for calling you a “crazy bitch.” Don’t let him manipulate you into a reaction if you can possibly help it. Think of it as a victory over his hostility if you can succeed in keeping your calm in front of him.

    Don’t forget, you’re not helpless to counter his devious ploys to manufacture or maintain the false image of himself as a “good guy” in front of your aunt and uncle, or others who might be “taken in.” Incidentally, I very much appreciate the good advice “flowerchild” has given here, but—a minor detail—your partner may not necessarily be the kind of abuser she’s described who is what he is due to damage from abuse in childhood. There certainly are abusers like that, but your mention of his false “image maintenance” leads me to suspect, along with Donna, that he’s a straightforward psychopath who was born that way for the most part, couldn’t give a damn for anyone except himself, and is coldly instrumental in manipulating others to believe in his fake persona.

    That doesn’t make any difference to the good advice you’ve been given about coping with him, other than highlighting the fact that unlike some people who became abusive after being treated badly themselves, you have no reason ever to “feel sorry” for him!—as you said you do on occasion. His rage is mostly a tool to intimidate you and get his own way.

    All this “image maintenance” in front of your aunt and uncle is purely for his own benefit. But if he finds cause to use it against you, he can and will. It’s up to you to defend yourself against that. If everyone in your mother’s house has “no clue” he has not spoken to you all day, why is that? If it’s just because you haven’t had the chance to touch base with them yet, fair enough; but if it’s because you’ve never told them what this jerk is really like, then you need to! Your mother (may she find peace!) knew the kind of guy he was, and may have shared her wisdom with your uncle and aunt; so they may be primed already. But if not, it’s up to you to make it clear to them and counteract this man’s false image of beneficence.

    If they find it hard to believe what he’s really like, there’s much to be said for recording events as they happen. You can always use a cellphone—or one of those little digital recorders you can easily hide in a pocket or purse—to record audio when he’s in one of his rages. Why let him gain an advantage over you by “pushing your buttons” until you react, so he can call you a “crazy bitch,” when you could do the same to him? Just ask him for something reasonable, let him blow up into one of his insane rages—and hey, presto! you have a recording you can play back to your disbelieving friends and family to show them “here’s what he’s really like!”

  • #45501

    flowerchild65
    Participant

    Hi, BeautifulMonkey,
    Not sure if you read my previous comment, since you never responded, but you stated “I wonder sometimes if the issue is me” and also “His response, “look how your acting, who would be there for you, your acting like a crazy bitch.” And he’s right, I am, and he is eerily calm once I get to that”
    The reason you’re blaming yourself is because you are being GASLIGHTED and he is projecting his issues onto you. Not sure even if you know how deep the psychological damage gaslighting does to someone? I am not online very often and right now I need to get offline pretty quick, but I would like add that in my years of research, not matter what anyone says, psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths, whatever label there is for these demons,they are MADE that way, not born that way and it is ALWAYS the fault of the main caregiver during infancy and throughout the formative years. Main caregiver can be a mother, a father, an aunt, a grandmother, a Nanny etc. These types of “people” are in the category of Cluster B personality disorders which are co-morbid. The main caregiver did not form a BOND with the infant. Did not tend to their emotional needs and God knows what other type of abuse was dished out to the child. Allowing a baby to “cry it out” is actually one way to develop psychopathy,because the babies developing brain “shuts down” due to the fact that no one is tending to their needs. Society now is raising children in daycare centers which is another reason (there are many) that narcissism is on the rise. Please do not forget that these “people” have 2 faces so for example you might know a narcissist YET their mother is the kindest person you have ever met. That “kindness” is an ACT for the outside world. Narcissism tends to run in families. There are so many people out there suffering from psychological abuse from narcissistic parents, it’s pretty frightening. Spoiling a child is also abuse. Staying with an abusive partner while there are children involved and being in “denial” about the psychological issues the abuser has is also child abuse. Children always need to know that mommy or daddy is not “right in the head” and if they cannot escape the abusive environment sessions with a counselor or therapist that understands narcissistic abuse is a must, but if the abuser is abusing the children and the non-abuser attempts to make up for the abuse by spoiling the child that is a recipe for a very dysfunctional adult. Another thing that all “partners” of narcissistic sociopaths must admit is that we hooked up with these demons because our parents failed us. They were dysfunctional as well. We tend to subconsciously be drawn to people that were like our parents unless we sit back one day and analyze/research WHY AM I ALWAYS HOOKING UP WITH ABUSERS? Have a nice day 🙂

  • #45502

    flowerchild65
    Participant

    I forgot to add this informative video. Have a nice day 🙂

  • #45520

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    beautifulmobkey hope you are o.k.

  • #45549

    beautifulmonkey
    Participant

    Hi everyone I have not been ignoring but it has been an exhausting few days. My Mother passed this morning at 10:35 am. Fortunately I was able to be with her. I will miss her so much and my heart hurts to know that I will never be able to call her again and hear her voice. I can’t explain the emotions that are going on right now one minute I’m ok then the next I’m a mess.
    As per usual he was who he is and we got into an arguement within hours of my Mother passing today. So I asked him to stay out and do whatever he wanted so that I and my Son would have a quiet home to grieve in our own way. He did respect that and honestly I feel good that he is not here.

  • #45550

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Condolences for your mother’s passing. good he is not there.

  • #45553

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    beautifulmonkey – I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace in this difficult time.

  • #45557

    flowerchild65
    Participant

    Hi BeautifulMonkey,
    My Condolences as well for your mother’s passing. In your last post you stated “we got into an arguement within hours of my Mother passing today” I do not know if you realize that it “takes two to Tango” and that you are putting yourself at high risk of having a stroke or heart attack if you continue to argue with this sociopath. Then what’s going to happen to your son? I know this is a very emotional time for you, but my personality is blunt. Hope that doesn’t offend you, it’s just that I know what you are going through with this Demon because I have one as well, yet I have perfected my reactions to him and there are no more arguments. Your son will also benefit with not hearing the arguments because it is stressing him out too. I am trying to get through to you because your raised cortisol levels could seriously cause you much harm. I hope you are reading what I have been posting, and not sweeping it under the rug. Your sociopath has BRAIN DAMAGE and you’re going to need to learn a “new language” in order to put an end to the arguing. He is not normal in the brain and you are, so when you falsely think that he understands your logic, you are wrong. They do not understand logic and HOW you speak/react to him is what triggers him to rage and argue with you. I would also like to suggest some Bach Flower Remedies to help you with the emotional ups and downs. They would help your son as well. Research them. They work. Hopefully you are not taking prescription poisons because they only make people worse and will turn you into addicts. Have a safe and quiet evening. PEACE

  • #45560

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Yes, take good care of yourself. Tina Swendol says be calm and businesslike if you must have contact with a narcissist and I would say when you are up to it which will take time plan an exit.

  • #45561

    beautifulmonkey
    Participant

    Flowerchild,
    I have read your post, I couldn’t possibly comment on all that you’ve wrote but I’ll try.
    I am aware i5 takes two to tango, and trust me I do the most to avaoid and ignore him altogether but at the end of the day I have emotions and feelings and we have argued a lot this week because my emotions and feeling are all over the place and I have no support from him. I know, it’s my fault for “expecting” support from a sociopath, narcissist, etc. But yes, I truly struggle with why he still lives here, says he wants this to work and treats me like a dog right after saying it. I hear what your saying about brain damage, but we really don’t know that’s the case. I can only respond and go by what I know. I know he has no empathy, I also know, he is very childlike, I know that his 2 emotions are blah or anger.
    I am not trying nor meaning to argue with him. I am also not a perfect being, I get upset. I do very well with ignoring him but then after weeks or so of that I lose it.

    Sunny, I am planning my exit. I know I will have to move quickly, in one day, while he’s at work. I am fully aware that I will have to go 100% no contact. I used to wonder if that was necessary but this last year has shown me it the only way.

  • #45562

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    beautifulmonkey – I am so glad that you are getting out. That is absolutely the best thing you can do. Once you are out, have No Contact with the guy ever again. Don’t even give him the chance to try to appeal to you – block his phone number and don’t tell him where you are going.

    No contact will lead to your healing.

    Again, I am so sorry about your mother.

  • #45565

    Folks, the form of the blog has changed. Can you tell me how to start a new thread? Thanks you, One Joy

    • #45569

      Donna Andersen
      Keymaster

      One/joy – good to see you. We still have the regular blog articles and comments that you used in the past. The forum is an extra feature. So you can post in either place.

  • #45566

    traumatized41
    Participant

    Go back to the general forum then scroll down and there are two boxes to start a new topic one for title and one for text:)

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