How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › My narcissist was never interested in any sexual relationship – is that typical?
March 4, 2019 at 11:05 pm #49204jan1000Participant
I dated my N 20 years ago. Left him and moved away to another country. We were very young, we did have sex – he was pretty selfish in bed but also just very immature. After about a year I left him. I got married in another country and after 14 years and a bitter, devastating divorce – then his mother and I reconnected.
I keep reading about all this great sex one has with their n. Mine is TEXTBOOK except for that category. This is my first post, so I thought I would try to quickly (as if) tell my story. After meeting my n 20 years later, he was sooo cute. Even better looking. I am attractive (I am told) neither of us had children. I was 49 he was 45. We hadn’t seen each other since our late 20’s.
When I met him the 2nd time, I had visions of our meeting in some nice restaurant, talking and getting to know each other again, etc. Well we met at at gas station, he got out of his truck and looked ravishing. He immediately said “damn, are you hot?” meaning the temperature because I had on a jacket. That was the 1st thing he said. We drive around for 45 min while he looks for an acceptable restaurant that doesn’t have a bunch of “old blue haired ladies in it”… hello this is florida during snowbird season. So, really? Anyway, come to find out, he is still drinking the same junk beer (alcoholic – been drinking beer every single day since he was 15!), chain smoking, and looking so damn good. He produces a letter from his wallet that I had written him that was perfectly innocent congratulating him on his new venture. Well, he had me at the letter. The fact that he had kept it in his wallet for 20 years was just so romantic!!! (right…..) . Well, then he says let’s order our food to go. I thought he just wanted to talk and get to see each other again. Come to find out, he assumes he is staying with me at the hotel. I thought that was very strange. Come to find out, he just doesn’t want to drive after drinking. No problem, we practically lived together. After awkwardly making out we kind of just fall asleep. He told me I had great legs the next morning but that was about the only compliment i received other than he saying he would meet me half way and did I want to start seeing each other again.
fast forward 5 years. Here I sit at my office at 8:00 at night. I have moved 9 yes 9 times in the last 5 years. In and out of this crazy relationship with him. We have never had sex (thank you Jesus!) . He doesn’t disappear for days at a time, but he does disappear. It started a couple of years ago. He would not respond to my texts if I was angry. Just ignore. He has probably taken me on 5 dates in the last 5 years. All of which he became so drunk I would be humiliated and wish we never went out. I have never received a birthday gift on my birthday a Christmas gift at Christmas I think he has given me 1 card since we have been together. He is passed out by 8:30 or 9;00 so if I have to reach him or have an emergency – well that’s just too bad.
I sit with him every night while he drinks, smokes, asks what’s for dinner, then smokes pot, eats and goes to bed. Every day, rain or shine, birthday or no birthday. And the silly lies he tells. He does stay away every 2 weeks or so. I think he is hanging out with his drunk friend that is essentially a soul twin of his. I have no idea. He won’t answer the phone, wont answer my texts UNLESS I am very nice.
Sorry this is so long!
I broke it off with him for about a year and a half – met a wonderfully loving man. The N seems to always be in denial. The other day he said we never broke up. The entire time I was dating my very normal boyfriend he would still call – ask me to come over for dinner, etc. My boyfriend wanted to marry me, was soooo good to me, would go to church with me (oh and did I mention that I am a born again Christian? And that when I got baptized, the N was supposed to be there – well, he didn’t show up and was with his friend getting drunk) .
Back to meeting my loving boyfriend. I told him that my N was just a friend – and he was— and he wasn’t. Just because we had not consummated the relationship did not mean that I wasn’t magically thinking that something, someday was going to change. I could change him !!! After all, he saved my letter for 20 years and I love him unconditionally… I can fix him!
So, my boyfriend broke off all contact with me and started dating someone else..Who can blame him? After all I told him my friend (N) and I were going to buy a farm together and live together platonically. How crazy am I?
This is bringing you up to the present. My N that had wanted a farm for 20 years and I was going to get it for him. Okay here comes the very very sad and stupid idiot crazy part… my father died. I paid off 8,000 from my small settlement from my dad of my N’s bills. Then I paid a few more thousand $ to help him get everything paid off so he could buy the farm. Well, I also told him I would give him 15,000 to help with the down payment. (I know … I know…. ) . This has all gone down since Jan 15. Today, I am almost broke. On feb 14, guess what I got for valentines day? A half-drunk narc on our porch. NO card, no flowers, no mention of it.
For 5 years I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, him, us…. because he has told me it’s my menopause. Everything is due to my menopause. Here are some of his statements that he says to me then says – “I’m just being funny!” … Hilarious!
*** quit your bitching
*** fucking liberal
*** Nancy Grace! (who he hates)
*** I’m going to cut off your head and shit down your throat (that one is really embarrassing to admit to – yes and it’s so hilarious right?
*** Nigger! He says this one because he knows I HATE that word
*** Shut up!
If you haven’t guessed yet, he is from the south! Not to put down all southerners but he fits the stereotype for sure when it comes to his language.
He must say at least one of those each night. All in the name of fun, right? Well, I had no idea what a narcissist was except something about someone who just thinks of themself first. Then I got an offer for a free book from audible entitled ‘when loving him is hurting you” so I listened to it. In a way, i was so relieved to just have a name for it!!! I was about to hand over his down payment for that farm. I won’t go into how incredibly lazy he is. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I have never ever known anyone so lazy. And the toxicity of the man! What is wrong with me???
Anyway, God sent my best friend to me who I haven’t seen in a few weeks. I tell her all that I have discovered about NPD. She is like “don’t you dare give him that money!!!” . So, I have found a place and haven’t told him. He has stayed away the last 2 night brooding because I haven’t given him $. He finally breaks down and texts me asking if I am going to give him the $. I wish I would have just ignored the text – he has stonewalled me more times that I can remember. But instead i said “nope, this ATM is closed”. Dang I wish I would not have replied!
So tonight he gets home late (4:30 which is really late for him since he starts drinking at 1:00 every day!) starts making a fire and guess who shows up? None other than his mother – which is a story for another time! So, I’m at the office. Just killing time until she leaves. As I’m typing this, I receive an email that the place is mine. I’m scared since I just started my real estate business, don’t know how I will pay for a place and I have to figure out how to get moved out without him knowing. I do not want to see him, speak to him ever again. So, after a long story sex is not always a sign of a narcissist. I’m sorry to share such nasty details. When I read this – it’s so much worse when I see it in print. I thought I was a smart and successful woman, I have prayed and prayed for God to show me the light and the truth. Thank you Jesus, for allowing that to happen and I pray with all of my heart that I can recover with Your help.
I hope this helps someone else speak up. Thank you.
March 5, 2019 at 11:00 am #49208Donna AndersenKeymaster
jan1000 – Welcome to Lovefraud, although I’m sorry for the experiences that brought you here. I’m glad you did not give him that last bit of money – please stay strong and don’t do it!!
The guy is a sociopath, and yes, some sociopaths withhold sex in order to exert power over their target. That’s right. By denying sex, they exert power.
Sociopaths are only interested in 3 things – power, control and sex. And of the 3, power and control are most important. They can use sex (or lack of it) in order to increase and control.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive, and they also lead to trauma bonding. You’ve probably experienced both addiction and trauma bonding. We have lots of information on what happens here on Lovefraud. You may also want to check out our webinars for detailed explanations.
March 12, 2019 at 6:13 pm #49396regretfullymineParticipant
be lucky he DIDNT want sex; that’s all mine wanted..sex, sex, more sex..oh he called it ROMANCE, MAKING LOVE in the beginning..but as time went on, it became rough, aggressive, punishment for any wrong doing I did, or as a ‘reward’ for being ‘nice’ to me. It got to where I felt used up, worn out, beat up in bed (or anywhere else he wanted it)..leaving him meant NO MORE SEX like that. Havent wanted much since, either. I don’t miss that part of a relationship at all. Not sure I want any,in the future either.
March 12, 2019 at 7:00 pm #49399RedwaldParticipant
Hi Jan, and welcome to Lovefraud! I’m naturally sorry you’ve been stuck in this situation, but there’s no need to apologize for anything in your post. It’s striking how many people apologize quite needlessly. Never mind the length; it was well written, clear, coherent, expressive, and better still, witty! I can be lengthy myself, as you see.
I am glad to hear that you stopped short before you bought that farm! And not for financial reasons alone, as important as those are. I’m sure you know that saying someone “bought the farm” has an ominous second meaning, and has done at least since World War II, if not before. Sometimes that meaning is literally true. As soon as I read your post, it immediately brought to mind another woman who bought a farm–for a classically psychopathic partner–and ended up buried in it! It was four years before they found her. I feel as if I’m writing this in memory of her, a lovely but lonely lady who never deserved such a fate.
That wasn’t the only case either. Other villains who “disappeared” their victims on farms include Robert Pickton in Canada, the Hosein brothers in the UK (all with victims allegedly fed to their pigs!)–and on the distaff side, the infamous Belle Gunness in Indiana. Oh, and Norman Thorne… the list is endless.
The trouble with farms is that they’re isolated, and predators like to isolate their prey, so that nobody knows what’s happening to them. I remember a woman I spoke with on the Web, who enjoyed keeping geese, who moved to a farm with a partner who turned out to be volatile and abusive as well as drug-addicted. I think they were in Idaho. Stuck in the middle of nowhere without any outside support, the whole thing reminded me of Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” Her guy didn’t actually chop down the bathroom door with an ax yelling “Heeerre’s Johnny!” but the poor lady had a pretty rotten time anyway before she got out of there.
Mind you, I don’t know that your N was necessarily violent, let alone capable of murder. But that’s because he sounds too darn lazy and apathetic for that. So I can’t imagine him running a farm, which takes hard work and dedication, if he sits around smoking weed, getting drunk, and clocking out whenever he feels like it. He’d run the place into the ground in no time. At best he’d be sitting on his butt singing “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” while you did all the work! (What does he do for a living, by the way? Anything?)
To answer your question, I wouldn’t say it’s “typical” for a narcissist to lack interest in sex. But if you asked “is it possible?” the answer is a resounding Yes, it’s perfectly possible. These disordered types are not “all the same” by any means.
I wonder why you asked that question. If it was just out of curiosity, that’s natural enough. If you hoped someone else had a similar experience with a sexless partner who could share it with you, that too is of course entirely understandable. But if you were wondering if this guy could really be a narcissist if he wasn’t interested in sex, that’s another matter.
The answer is Yes, and before I’d even read your post–all I’d seen so far was the title–within less than a minute I’d googled one HECK of a quote to demonstrate this! If you’ve been researching narcissism you may have run across the name of Sam Vaknin, who is himself a narcissist as well as a diagnosed psychopath. Here’s a remarkable paragraph he wrote:
I am a cerebral narcissist. I brandish my brainpower, exhibit my intellectual achievements, bask in the attention given to my mind and its products. I hate my body and neglect it. It is a nuisance, a burden, a derided appendix, an inconvenience, a punishment. Needless to add that I rarely have sex (often decades apart). I masturbate regularly, very mechanically, as one would change water in an aquarium. I stay away from women because I perceive them to be ruthless predators who are out to consume me and mine.
Apart from that, the point I want to highlight is that there is a tendency to stereotype psychopaths, narcissists and the rest of them, as if they were “all the same,” and to oversimplify–and sometimes, I believe, to distort their mindset and their motives.
Needless to say, I’m not saying this to “defend” or “apologize for” these abusers in any way. On the contrary, my real reason for doing so is that a wise man or woman realizes the necessity of “knowing our enemy!” These creatures are often more complex and more varied than some people realize, and they come in deceptively different shapes and forms.
One problem I suspect is that when victims of abusers come together to discuss their experiences, they feel a natural need to share what they’ve found in common about these abusers. That results in a focus on similarities among abusers. However, this “victim subjectivity” can result in a serious neglect of the differences among abusers. They’re a very diverse bunch. Apart from a generalized tendency to abuse, control, or exploit people, they can be as different as chalk and cheese, in any of a zillion different ways that we normal humans also differ from one another! To take just one such way, some narcissists are ruthlessly successful in life, while others, like your N, are pathetic losers.
The risk I see in this stereotyping is that some people can end up doubting whether their partner (or some other person) is “really” a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist, or whatever, because he or she doesn’t fit every aspect of the stereotype. Donna has posted an article somewhere (which I can’t find at the moment) pointing out that it isn’t necessary to fit every criterion. It’s simply a matter of fitting the general pattern.
I thought immediately of Sam Vaknin because he himself recognizes that “narcissists” are not all the same, and he categorizes them according to his own taxonomy. He talks about “cerebral” narcissists versus “somatic” narcissists–the latter being “body-oriented” and typically ravenous for sex, among other things.
It’s worth noting how Vaknin’s next paragraph reflects Donna’s observation that “some sociopaths withhold sex in order to exert power over their target”:
When I am depressed, my libido is gone, so sexlessness is a moot point. When I am manic and grandiose, I am also sadistic. I then seek to frustrate, humiliate, and discomfort people (and women in particular) as a way of upholding my sense of omnipotence. By denying myself sex, my grandiose and glorified celibacy serves both to taunt and torment women around me, to defang and disempower them, and to buttress my conviction that I am superior and unique. Only supreme beings do not succumb to the irresistible allure of sex.
Narcissism oozes from this paragraph! However, I would point out that this is not exerting power purely for the sake of power. Instead, Vaknin’s view of women is as “ruthless predators” (mirroring his own psyche) who need to be kept at bay for his own protection, and punished in every way possible. This is typical of some classes of abusers who see others, not necessarily as “prey,” but as “enemies” they need to defend themselves or retaliate against.
But wait; there’s more! (as they say on late night TV ads). Vaknin goes on to tell us:
Invariably, following every life crisis, the somatic narcissist in me took over. I became a lascivious lecher. When this happened, I had a few relationships – replete with abundant and addictive sex – going simultaneously. I participated in and initiated group sex and mass orgies. I exercised, lost weight and honed my body into an irresistible proposition. The aim was to “acquire” the next woman in line to serve as a source of secondary narcissistic supply. This accomplished, the outburst of unrestrained, primordial lust waned in a few months and I settled back into my cerebral ways. No sex, no women, no body.
So astoundingly, he’s also capable of “switching modes” after a life crisis and letting his latent “somatic” side take over for a while. You can read the rest here, and there are lots of other articles on his site:
However, I would caution against assuming this is necessarily the mindset behind your N’s present lack of interest in sex. There could be other causes. He could be having sex with someone else, leaving nothing over for you. He could be bisexual, and doing more than just “drinking” with his male buddies. Or it could just be that his sex drive has dropped off in middle age. Most likely in my opinion, drowning himself in decades of booze has left him impotent! He might be reluctant to even attempt sex because he knows he “can’t do it.” What abusers do is not always motivated by a wish to harm others. Sometimes you’re just “collateral damage.”
Whatever it is, you can guarantee that he’s only doing whatever he wants or feels like, and couldn’t give a damn about doing whatever you (or anybody else) might want or need.
And I’m sorry about the loss of your “good” boyfriend. It’s very unfortunate that many people who end up stuck with abusers of various kinds often turn down opportunities for genuine love with a functional partner, in favor of clinging to the abuser like ivy. Yes, I know they say these disordered people are “addictive” once they hook you, but I can’t help thinking there’s more to it than that. That’s two disastrous relationships you’ve had, including your marriage. It may be worth asking yourself whether it’s somehow so much more important to you to rescue losers, or reform “bad hats,” than to secure a loving relationship with a normal man. Frequently the answer is found in childhood. That’s just a suggestion, though if you can’t figure it out you may find that counseling helps. I’m sticking my neck out by saying this, but I wonder if your conversion as a “born again Christian,” admirable as it is, reflects a desperate need to “save souls.” Saving souls is all fine and dandy, but some souls can’t be saved, and all you do is martyr yourself by trying. If they’re destined for Hell, you can’t stop them!
In the end it’s not about him, but about you. You’re not responsible for him. You didn’t make him what he is, and you can’t fix him. But you can find happiness for yourself. Good luck!
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