Need help getting out of the obsession stage


This topic contains 14 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  Sunnygal 10 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #43152


    Lately, I have become frozen in thought. As such, I have wasted most of today obsessing about him, and I can’t seem to stop. I’ve been dysfunctional at any task I’ve attempted to undertake, and I have a lot I can’t seem to get done! Ugh! I’m stuck in the “obsession” stage, and I can’t seem to find a way out! I would be most appreciative if anyone could post what helped them to get out of the “obsession” stage. Thank you!

  • #43153


    Set small goals so you have success in accomplishing something- light exercise, etc.

  • #43154


    Resilient85, the way you are feeling is sadly normal when leaving a sociopath. When a person has a normal breakup the body release high levels of cortisol & adrenaline. Which results in anxiety, sleep issues, eating issues, racing mind etc.

    With a relationship with a sociopath the body releases constant cortisol & adrenaline daily.Then with the break up more cortisol & adrenaline are released. It’s over whelming to have this happen.

    For me, I could not even sit still long. My anxiety level was thru the roof during my marriage (to a sociopath) but after I escaped it felt like 1000 times more anxiety was running in my body. My brain was not functioning well. Like you, my mind was constantly racing and would get stuck in gear and I could not stop. Scary. And overwhelming to feel this way. I remember my counselor telling me to “just think about what happened in your abusive marriage for 20 mins a day, then stop thinking about it” ya, ya, ya clearly she did not understand what was going on in my body.

    Our adrenal glands regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (FLIGHT, FIGHT & FREEZE MODE!!) and over 50 hormones. They are a HUGE deal & are often over looked by most doctors & counselors as the root issue of anxiety especially after leaving a toxic relationship.

    Look into “adrenal fatigue” see sites like Dr lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org. See SYMPTOMS LIST on their site! This is what you are most likely experiencing!!

    I was lucky enough to have a friend direct me to a Endocrinologist doctor who tested me for Vitamin & Mineral deficiency, Cortisol levels (see Adrenal fatigue site for info on this test), hormonal imbalance etc etc.

    My test result revealed I was vitamin deficient in D & B’s (both needed for good brain function) & magnesium mineral deficient and also I had low functioning progesterone hormone (needed to calm the body & mind).

    The doctor gave me two types of “Dr Wilson’s adrenal vitamins” (see Adrenal fatigue .org) and a Rx pill of progesterone hormone. Within 4 hours my anxiety & racing mind were half. Within weeks I was calm again. I also with doctors approval took Epson salt baths (magnesium) which you can find in the shampoo section of your grocery store for about $5 to $10. But ask a doctor before using especially if you are taking an Rx drugs. Google “Epson salt bath benefits”.

    Get testing from a doctor. But know that your mind & body can be healed. I personally this is the missing link to healing fully from a abusive relationship.

    Google Mia Lundin hormonal imbalance you tube. She has a excellent book called “Female brain gone insane” (she titled the book that to get woman’s attention but in the book she provides detail of what is going on in your body that is effecting your mine. It all can be corrected!! That is the good news!!

    Hope this helps you. Take care

  • #43164


    resilient85, I guess we have to be patient with ourselves,don´t expect to recover as soon as we´d like to,this “obsession” stage is like a nightmare ! I truly felt I was doing better,but today…oh well,I´ve been looking at his posts and pics on FB and while at it I smoked half a pack of cigs already! I´m feeling at my lowest right now,tears trickling down missing him af …back to square one AGAIN!! Just hang on in there R85, WE CAN DO THIS! One day at a time. And here´s my tip: when I feel I cant go on anymore,I talk to a friend,or log in this forum,or read articles posted here and in they got great readings there,really helpful. Hope you¨ll be feeling a little better by the time u read this.Much Love.

    • This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by  paula70.
  • #43166


    “So often survivors get stuck seeing the abuser as this all-powerful suave cool person, which puts you in the “victim” position. But the thing is, people with love in their hearts do not treat others this way. This person wasn’t powerful or cool. They were acting out a set of behaviors that are indicative of severe unresolved psychological damage.

    They are basically passing along their wound of unfelt shame and inner-defectiveness (numbed out and experienced as constant “boredom”). Your only goal is to find and release these messages, so you can restore the love in your heart.
    Turning our focus from external (perpetrator, resentment, obsession) to internal (self, mindfulness, love) can help us find this core wound and release it.” Peace.

  • #43179


    resilient85, I feel you. I am having a few more good days lately, however with finals right on top of me (one tomorrow and one Thursday) I have been having a few deer in the headlights moments. I start getting the urge to check FB and try to text him (I deleted his number but I have the dang thing memorized) and that is when I stop whatever it is I was trying to do and go walk, or make a cup of tea, or watch a stupid but funny video on YouTube.

    A friend of mine who specializes in grief counseling recommended making a list of simple things you normally do:
    1. Wash your face
    2. Brush teeth
    3. Make coffee
    etc. and the act of checking these simple things off your list makes you feel better. It sounds bizarre, but it seems to help.

    Good luck, and I am praying for peace for all of us. Much love,

  • #43181

    Donna Andersen

    Resilient85 – Obsession is a normal part of the process of disengaging from a sociopath. Dr. Karin Huffer describes it in her book. It’s called “Legal Abuse Syndrome,” but it offers a structured recovery method.

    BOOK REVIEW: Legal Abuse Syndrome

    Everything is still raw for you. Give yourself time.

  • #43182


    I am so grateful to be a part of this family! Thank you all for your uplifting replies. And, Donna, you are an angel for creating this site and for being so accessible to us! May we all find the serenity we need!

  • #43183


    in her book ‘the 5 step exit’ amber ault talks about thought eviction. it is helpful.

  • #43212


    I consciously did a couple of things to guide myself through the process. I allowed myself to indulge my grief and to go over and over a memory I was obsessing about. To a point, then I would deliberately do something else and think about something else. I didn’t look too far ahead; I had small goals. When I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, I would set a goal of getting up and doing one thing – such as do the dishes, and not worry about the laundry that needed to be done and the rest of the mess in the house….
    I found that spending time with young children tended to take my mind off my obsessive thoughts. Talking to a friend helped – both whining about my own problems, and also having him or her tell me about what was going on in his or her life. Helping others less fortunate in some way is an excellent opportunity to feel better. Overall, I balanced grieving/obsessing with doing other productive things, and eventually the grieving/obsessing cycles came less often and lasted shorter.
    The way you’re feeling is normal. It’s horrible when you’re experiencing it, and it feels like you’ll never be yourself again and have a happy life. You sound like you’re motivated to recover and like you’re doing the right things for yourself.

  • #43215


    Thank you for the guidance in your reply. I’m taking this one day at a time. When I start to get anxious, upset, etc…, I look to this forum to give me a pathway to peace. It always seems to help me!

  • #43227


    I am grateful to be able to find this blog and connect with other inviduals who might be able to understand me. I had been in a relationship with somone online, only to find out that I was the only one serious about it and he was just a fraudster trying to trick me into his scams. I was so luckily that I managed to escape without being a victim of financial abuse. However, the emotional abuse is something that would take time to heal. I have been trying to spend time alone with myself and trying to help others who might be in a same vulnerable situation. I am strong and I know I will heal soon and I want to help other people heal too. We are stronger together.

  • #43270


    How long will recovery period last? I have been on and off with him for 8 years. I have his number blocked. I am not on Facebook or any social media since January. I haven’t lived with him since June. He still stalks me. He got married December 1 (to someone he’s know for 2 months). I should be feeling good about it but it hurts so much. Why, after all he’s done?!

  • #43273


    Jaybird, I too was in an 8 year relationship. It ended by abandonment when my narcissistic sociopathic ex boyfriend got married 2 months ago and I found out about it 2 days after their wedding. But, I had no clue. I’m in pain as I miss the positive image of him that is stuck in my head. I can’t somehow see the evil he has done to me. In the thread of replies here, Sunnygal mentions the book, “The Five Step Exit” and how it talks about “thought eviction.” I purchased this book and have found lots of useful information in it. “Recovery” is the Fifth Step. I have been told recovery takes a while. But, it’s something you can actively pursue! Keep at it! Take one day at a time! I know I’m trying my damnedest to kick him out of my head! Good luck to you!

  • #43278


    resilient, glad the book has helped.

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