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My daughter (22) has been in her unhelpful relationship for 5 years plus. She’s been living with us for a month or two now, as the pin of staying started being worse than the pin of leaving (but for a few times she’s gone back to him for a day or two.) His behaviour has kept getting worse over the 5 years.
Now my son tells me she is going camping with him this weekend, and that he is telling her he has ADHD but won’t get it diagnosed.
So my sweet daughter is obviously believing the lie that his new ‘condition’ is the reason for his bad behaviour and treatment of her, not himself.
Can anyone give me something to tell her? Is this a common excuse they use? -
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PLEASE show your daughter the National Domestic Violence Hotline website ASAP…TODAY!! Sit with her & read everything on that site & have a conversation by asking her questions like “does he do this to you” and also just let her be in her thoughts to digest & understand the site. Do not force her..let her process all the info. Starting with “What is abuse”. Ask her to call the hotline 800-799-SAFE to talk with a free counselor (ASAP)
The most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when she is about to leave or has just left. Ask her not to go camping with him where she will be isolated & will not be able to leave if his behavior gets worse/erratic. Remember Freedom abusers always want to isolate their victims from the outside world to have control over them. This is why he is taking her camping.
What ever you do, do not force her, say all of this in a very kind & caring manner. DO NOT say anything bad about there ex boyfriend as this will bond her to him more.
Ask her to come to love fraud & read.
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also, if you can make arrangements with Donna to talk with your daughter that would be excellent to open up your daughters mind. If you go to the top of LF you can look under the RED Tap “Talk to Donna” for info.
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Good she has started to leave.
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Well. first of all, if he “won’t get it diagnosed,” how does he know he’s got ADHD to begin with? That shows it’s a load of BS right there!
Second, what if he did have ADHD, and it was causing his behavior? (We haven’t heard many details here about what this guy has actually done, apart from cruelly “discarding” your daughter, that is.) Even if what he says is true, what use would that be to your daughter if he wasn’t getting it diagnosed and treated, and succeeded in turning into a normal human being instead of a monster?
Claims like this one of having ADHD can mislead people into staying with abusers in two different ways. First, they feed a (usually false) hope that the abuser’s disorder can be treated and cured, when usually it isn’t and often it can’t be cured (in the case of psychopathy). Second, they feed the ”sympathy trap” in the minds of people with too much empathy who care “too much” for others–and not enough for themselves! ”Oh, my poor baby has ADHD”–or whatever other “affliction” the abuser is supposedly “suffering” from–”and he or she ‘needs looking after.’”
Interestingly, there do seem to be links between ADHD and abusive behavior, working in both directions. On the one hand there’s evidence that childhood abuse and trauma increases the likelihood of ADHD. On the other hand a significant number of chronic abusers do show evidence of ADHD. But what’s the link? Many people abused in childhood become abusers themselves as adults. No doubt they store up a lot of rage and fear as children, and when they grow up they let it all loose on others–also emulating the abusive behaviors inflicted on them as children. But just knowing that doesn’t do any good at all for the people they’re abusing! Nor does “feeling sorry for their awful childhood”–assuming they had one, that is–do anything for the people they’re abusing as adults. Not unless the abusers themselves can succeed, through therapy or whatever, in stopping their abusive behaviors.
So even if your daughter’s boyfriend does have ADHD, so what? How does that help her, or make him livable with? No doubt he’ll go on abusing her in various ways, and say “Sorry, dear, it’s just my ADHD again!” What good does that do her if the abuse doesn’t stop?
What if he had paranoid schizophrenia instead, and was literally psychotic? What if he went on the rampage with an AX? ”Honey, I’m real sorry I nearly killed you last night, and you had to jump out the window and call the police. And I’m real sorry I chopped up your favorite kitty and made a mess all over the floor. Don’t worry about the blood; I’ve cleaned it all up. It was just my paranoid schizophrenia acting up again.” I’ve no doubt paranoid schizophrenic is a rotten thing to have, and being psychotic must be an awful experience. But that doesn’t mean we can afford to “feel sorry” for these people or live with them if it means opening ourselves up to serious harm of all kinds. Their problems are their problems, not ours, and two people suffering instead of one doesn’t make the world better. It makes it worse!
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Freedom for my daughter – Actually, the ADHD may be further proof that he is disordered, because ADHD, antisocial personality disorder and substance abuse are all genetically related. But, as Redwald says, ADHD doesn’t cause abusive behavior, and it could give false hope that there is treatment.
But I am more worried about the camping trip! Are they going alone? Where? Has he ever been violent? Remember – they get most angry when they are losing control of their targets. If they are off in the wilderness alone – I shudder to think of what could happen. I am sorry to be frightening, but it is a concern.
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Hi freedomformydaughter – is there a possibility you could pay for her to go to therapy? Perhaps if that was the case she might consent. Usually it is best if the person takes that decision themselves, but in your daughter’s case, it seems like an emergency. The psychopath is not only abusing your daughter but he is now abusing you through her pain. Jan 7 mentioned above a hotline number to call so she could talk to a free counselor and that would be an important step too. The point is that you are in the boat too but she is the one who has the power to take action, and the psychopath at this point has power over her. Please read that book about cults ( that Jan 7 also sometimes refers to ), because the author deals with the pain that families go through due to brainwashing ( which is essentially what abusers do ). If you call his office he might be able to give you some direction too. I will post again in a few minutes after I look up the info.
Blessings -
Hi freedomformydaughter –
The book that I referred to in my last post is called, ‘ Freedom of Mind – Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs ‘ by Steven Hassan. I think he had an interview with Donna Andersen here at Love Fraud that you could also access. Also, if you look him up on the internet I think that you could get contact info for him. Or you could email Donna ( through the home page ) to find out how you could get in touch with him. I’m making a big deal about him in particular because your situation is his expertise.
Blessings to you. -
If she goes back, she is not ready to leave.
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