How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Processing reality
July 30, 2018 at 12:20 am #46483
It seemed to end as quickly as it began. Now I’m left feeling lonely, pathetic and very insignificant. I met Paul online and it was how everyone describes the typical whirlwind of romance. Having not dated much or been in many relationships, I felt extremely special. At the age of 34, I felt that I had finally found “the one” that I’d been waiting for and I was so ready for love and to have a family. Paul was a traveling industrial worker that was in town for long term project. He said I was his soulmate. Paul told me he had 6 children, 4 grown children from his first marriage and two young kids, 12 & 8, from his ex-girlfriend, Samantha. Early on, we had conversations about how close he was with his ex-girlfriend but he said that she is the mother of his kids and he had to maintain a good relationship with her. Paul is Mexican and he talked a lot about his culture and how taking care of family was important. I figured I was probably overreacting and needed to be more accepting of his culture.
Instead of staying at a hotel, Paul quickly moved in with me so we could spend more time together. About a month into the relationship, he lost his job at the project near where I lived. I didn’t want him to leave the area so he decided to look for work nearby so that we could be together. Industrial jobs were tough to find and meanwhile he needed some help supporting his young kids. Samantha was a teacher but had back surgery and wasn’t working. I eventually took out a $5,000 loan to help them get the bills paid while Paul tried to find work. He’d say they were “our” kids and it felt so wonderful to be part of his family. I was nervous taking out the loan but Paul reassured me that he’d get a job soon and pay it off quickly since industrial work pays very well. I wanted to build a future with Paul and this was just a small setback in a bright future we’d have together.
3 ½ months into the relationship, on Father’s day, Paul seemed unusually upset and we had been arguing. I assumed it was because his kids hadn’t contacted him. Paul fell asleep after dinner and I decided to check his phone to see if the kids text him. I was in complete shock when I found love texts to multiple women, but primarily to his ex, Stephanie. It was clear she was not an ex. They talked about love, marriage, how much he missed her and their kids. I couldn’t process it. I confronted him and told him to get out but he said he was ashamed and sorry. I didn’t want to believe the truth, so I caved and let him stay the night. For the next two weeks, he was supposed to leave multiple times but something would happen where he was sick or his truck needed repaired or the project fell through. I felt bad to kick him out with no money but I was so hurt by the texts and I couldn’t let it go. I kept checking his phone and found more and more lies. It turns out that the two young kids weren’t even his kids. I had been supporting his girlfriend and her children that she got child support for.
We kept fighting and he kept lying. I finally demanded that he leave because we needed space, and since Paul was tired of fighting, he agreed and left. Supposedly Paul told Stephanie it was over. I had a feeling he was lying so I sent a few texts to her to make her aware of his actions. She responded that she didn’t even know him, which was a lie. Paul immediately called and text me that he was going to hurt me and my family. I filed for a protective order and I’ve not talked to him since. It’s been three weeks. I skipped over some details, but Paul has a violent history and a prison record. I know it may seem unbelievable but I found reasons to justify his past because he was now a different person, so he said.
Even after all this, there’s a small part of me that loves him and thinks he’s going to change and come back for me. He’s called but I haven’t answered. I recently changed my number because that’s the logical step to separate myself from him. Our relationship only lasted 4 months but I fell hard and fast and I missed a lot of red flags. Right now, I’m feeling used and insignificant. He was a con-man leading a double life. I just can’t believe none of what we had was real. I’m still making excuses for why he didn’t treat me better. What does she have that I don’t? I’m lonely and I miss the man that I thought he was. I feel stupid, desperate, and not good enough. I’m in debt about $7,000. Plus, most of my family won’t talk to me because they are upset that I exposed them to danger by introducing a crazy person to the family.
July 30, 2018 at 7:57 pm #46485
nmbr5 – I am so sorry for your experience. It sounds like you encountered a classic sociopath. Unfortunately, he took advantage of your good nature. You can assume that just about everything he said to you was a lie.
You’ll need to recover, so be sure to maintain No Contact. That’s the best way. Do not speak to him or text him or anything, for any reason. The longer you are away from him, the more your head will clear.
Keep reading Lovefraud. We have lots of information that can help you understand what happened and recover. Our webinars may also help you.
July 30, 2018 at 11:04 pm #46491
Thank you Donna! This site has already helped me tremendously.
July 31, 2018 at 3:36 pm #46497
4 months doesn’t sound like much, does it? But lots of these types of people work FAST, and pretty soon, before you know it, your life is completely entwined in their fantasy. When it ends, even if after such a short time, it is a shock.
I think that not only is it a shock to be betrayed to this degree, but also because we find out about people who are out in the world who are like this man. THAT is shocking!
Before I understood personality disorders I assumed everyone pretty much wanted the same things, had good hearts, and wanted to help others. I had no idea that there are some people who simply cannot love, only want to satisfy their own egos, and use others to get what they want. They lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, triangulate, and destroy people. Like a compulsion.
Lovefraud is a great place to learn what you need to know to avoid further heartache and danger. It is also a good place to get ongoing validation, for when you’re unsure of yourself.
July 31, 2018 at 3:37 pm #46498
there is lots of information here. saferelationshipsmagazine.com can also be helpful.
July 31, 2018 at 9:52 pm #46503
Hi Nmbr5, my heart aches for you, reading your post. I hear your shock, sadness & anger emotions in your post. All normal responses when coming out of a sociopathic abusive relationship. ?
I want you to know, that the fact that you had the courage to post here at LF & that you posted with the terms “Processing Reality”…you ARE making great steps to come to terms with the nightmare you have been dealing with. Coming to terms only leads you to healing. You stepped into reality the day you looked in his phone & found the truth. You also, stepped into reality when you researched the net for answers leading you to this wonderful site full of information to heal. ?
You were conned by a very covert & manipulative sociopath. I also wonder if his girlfriend is in on his con game. The fact that she said she did not know him after you had read their text messages to each other, makes you believe that they are running a con game in a foreign country on many individuals to make their living.
I’m so sorry that you have been conned out of $7,000. This is shocking to discover, but also as equally shocking is the fact that the whole romantic relationship with him was a sham from the beginning is hard to deal with. When I finally found out from a counselor after I left my then husband (a sociopath, now ex h) I felt like my head was going to exploded. Stepping out of denial & into reality is utter heart wrenching. To be conned from day one is a heart ache, to let your guard down & let someone see your vulnerability and be taken advantage of is beyond words to express.
Some terms to look up here at love fraud (upper right corner top) & on the net:
sociopath pity play (he did this day one)
No contact rule
My ex husband did the same thing regarding money. First he gave me a “pity play manipulation” story. Then he asked for money. Which I was angry at but did not express this to him. He conned me out of my hard earned pay check everyone day. This is what they all do.
Do I think this guy has more victims??? ABSOLUTELY YES!!
My suggestion is to go to the FBI and file a report on him. They deal with con artist. And ask them for a further detail report on this individual. In addition ask them what you can do for your safety = getting him deported from your country = ask to remain anonymous in the report for your safety.
Also have them do a back ground check on his “girlfriend”.
With time hon, you will realize that you never loved him, he only conned you into believing this, but your true feelings with time will percolate up & you will realize that he gave off a lot of red flags from the second you met him. This guy stepped over every boundary you set…he just moved into your home. This is NOT love..this is him not caring how you felt about him…he had an agenda = save money on living expense & con you out of money. My ex did the same. I never loved him. I know this. He just manipulated me to date him, move in with him, and marry him.
I would suggest that you buy Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath (see the Book store tab top of LOvefruad) also there are other books up there to help you understand this guy’s con game so that you are not sucked into another narcissistic or sociopathic abusive relationship. On the home page Donna has listed how to heal in a “Yellow box”…look at this also.
Keep posting here to vent & ask question. It realize does help to clear your mind & heal.
SENDING HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!???
Wishing you all the best!! ?
August 1, 2018 at 11:57 pm #46524
Thanks so much Jan, Stargazer, Slim and Sunnygal! Your advice, encouragement, and validation mean more than I can express. I will look up the articles and search for the information you mentioned.
Jan, you mentioned that there are most likely other victims. During my obsessive search on his phone, I had actually found a woman who was begging for him to make payments on the $1,200 loan she gave him. I asked him about it but he said he had no idea what I was talking about. Of course.
I’m learning the red flags that were present. He said he made $180k a year and owned multiple properties. The sex was unbelievable and got me attached quickly. I was upfront about wanting to wait to have children and asked him to use a condom, but he refused and admittedly tried to get me pregnant. I overlooked these actions because it felt amazing that someone wanted me to have their children and build a life with me. He moved into my apartment before I felt comfortable. (these are the boundaries that you talked about, Jan.) He also had a lot of crisis’ in his live. His “son” that wasn’t actually his child, supposedly had just recovered from Leukemia. His bank account got frozen by the IRS and he had no savings left. The stories were endless about how he was treated so bad by his family or that he was so great at his job that everyone loved him. I don’t know what is truth or lies, but some stuff seems like it may have been said for me to pity him and other stuff said for me to think he was so wonderful. I fell for it all completely.
I forgot to mention that Paul is still signed into his google account on my computer. This allows me to see not only his email, but his GPS phone location, everywhere he travels and when, his contacts, his pictures, his search history, etc. Initially, it was very helpful to know where he was and know that I wasn’t in danger. Though he has since traveled back to his home state, which is several states away from mine. I obsessively look at everything he’s doing. I see the porn sites he visits, the jobs he applies for, the loan he just applied for, the restaurants he eats at, the youtube videos he watches. He still has me listed in his contacts under “mi vida” which means ‘My Life’ in spanish – this still makes me feel special…but why do I even care anymore? It’s like I see him as two separate people – the person I thought he was and who he actually is – I’m having trouble merging these images. Right now, it appears that he’s visiting Samantha, which makes me want to cry and scream all at once. This stuff eats away at me and I keep trying to understand him and make sense of the everything that happened. Additionally, I don’t want to log out of his account because it may help me to get him served the protection order.
July 31, 2018 at 9:55 pm #46504
HE WILL NEVER CHANGE EVER!!
WHAT YOU SAW WITH HIM = HOW HE IS = EVIL & CUNNING!!
Dr Phil Life Code Oprah You tube”. To watch their classes on how to stay safe in this crazy world.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS!!
This guys actions tell you all that you need to know about him = Con artist sociopath = dangerous to your mind, body & spirit.
July 31, 2018 at 10:37 pm #46505
Dear nmbr5, I went through a very similar experience in 2008. They all seem to operate from the same playbook, so your experience is very familiar to me. I didn’t know what a sociopath was, and, like you, I still had feelings for him, even though I caught him lying about everything including his marital status. Disordered people, especially sociopaths, seem to have a very strong energetic hold on their victims. This is why we keep going back to them even though we know they are bad for us. It’s really important to fight the addiction and just stay away no matter how strong the pull is. It has been very helpful to me to get energy work if I find I cannot cut the cord with an unhealthy person. There are people who can help with this specific issue, cutting cords and reclaiming energy. I find I’ve been having a lot of energy work lately, and for me, it really helps more than talk therapy, though it’s also good to have supportive people in your life who know what a sociopath is.
I am so very sorry you are going through this betrayal. I remember how I just felt like I’d been run over by a mack truck when it happened to me. You will get over it – it will take some time. If you can find someone who does energy work, it might be helpful. Keep reading about them so you can really see what they are.
August 1, 2018 at 12:31 am #46506
Stargazer, so true about feeling like you have “been run over by a mack truck” when leaving a sociopath…I felt the same. You feel like you come out dazed & confused. Thank goodness, we have the truth because this great support sites Lovefraud.
August 2, 2018 at 12:01 am #46527
August 2, 2018 at 9:08 pm #46541
Nmbr5, you’re so welcome.? so thankful that Donna & Terry started this wonderful site full of valuable information & support for all of us & also wrote a must read book called Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath.
Part of the healing process, is seeing the Red Flags from the beginning of the relationship. You are making great strides in you healing process by seeing the truth about him from the day you met him. My ex h gave of Red flags the second I met him.
I read a study after leaving, that humans can determine if someone is trusty worth or not with in 3 SECONDS!! This is an inherent genetic survival trait in all of us, so we need to listen to our gut instinct instantly, whether with a person or a place, and never ever waver from our gut, even if we feel like walking away from a conversation but fear it would be rude, it’s best to walk away. It’s better to be safe then sorry.
Have you thought about contacting the woman that he owes $1200 to?? Maybe if you team up & go to the FBI with a fraud claim against this sociopath he can be stopped & deported so that he doesnt do it to a new vicim. She might also give some much needed closure as to how he conned her & you. Bet the stories are almost the same. Think about it. No pressure to do this what so ever to contact her.
With regards to you tracking him. My advise is to follow the No contact rule. It is very normal to want to find out what the sociopath is up to after you finally look behind his wizard of oz curtain to see the truth. However, this only keeps you emotionally bonded to this evil sociopath. He is renting space in your mind. You cant heal if you are keeping “tabs’ on him.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS UP TOO = CHEATING, LYING, MANIPULATING & CONNING PEOPLE OUT OF EVERYTHING SEX, MONEY, PLACE TO STAY ETC. Once you realize this, there is no need to track him.
When I first left my ex I looked at his social media account too. But it only made me upset. It only made my mind race more, made my stress level go thru the roof. To stop myself, I simple told myself “you know what he is up to = conning everyone”. This helped me to let go.
“He moved into my apartment before I felt comfortable. (these are the boundaries that you talked about..”
YES!! This is that natural gut instinct we are all born with!! Like a bird flying away when a person walks up towards the bird. We all need to listen to our emotions the instant we sense something is bothering us. That emotional = not feeling “comfortable” was your GUT ALARM going off!! Telling you to stop & think about what this mans agenda is & how he might be manipulating you.
My ex did the same thing, only he wanted me to move into his home to pay his mortgage because all his roommates moved out = because he was crazy! Of course I didnt know the that reason just his explanation of them moving out. So I did not listen to my gut alarm. I did not want to live when him, or marry him etc but he pushed my boundaries everyday to get what he wanted & to have power & control over me.
“He also had a lot of crisis’ in his live. His “son” that wasn’t actually his child, supposedly had just recovered from Leukemia. His bank account got frozen by the IRS and he had no savings left. The stories were endless about how he was treated so bad by his family or that he was so great at his job that everyone loved him.”
This is called “Sociopath Pity play manipulation” Look this up here at love fraud & on the net.
When my ex did this to me in the beginning of the relationship & thru out it would anger me. It would make me stop and question his behavior & his words. But with time he was able to control my thoughts & just give in to his demands. This is part of them training us just like a circus animal is trained. For the “reward” part they will use words or gifts or affection. IF that does not work to get their way they will use intimidation & fear. If that does not work to get what they want they use brain washing mind control, trance, hypnosis etc. (YES!! Sociopath will use trances & hypnosis to control us!! look this up on the net). So scary the lengths they will go to to control us & abuse us.
Please be very careful looking at his accounts as it might be illegal for you to do so.
Look into Adrenal fatigue symptoms. Most victims of a sociopath suffer from PTSD. You wanting to track him maybe related to your std as well as sociopath make us addicted to them. So you need to break the addiction. How do you do this? You must be consciously aware of your behavior & thoughts. Also finding a healthy new hobby to fill your time while you heal will help too. Such as a new hobby you have always wanted to do i.e. paint, sew, sports etc.
You should be very proud of yourself for escaping the grips of this evil sociopath! You should also be proud of yourself for researching & having the courage to post here & asking questions. You are doing great with your healing process.
Keep posting, venting & reading here at love fraud. It all helps to understand the hell you have endured.
Wishing you all the best!! ?
Ps. Google “Gavin Debecker Oprah You tube” to listen to their interview about listening to your gut. Gavin’s book is called the Gift of Fear (your local library may have it).
- This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by Jan7.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.