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So unhappy and confused– is it me?

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  Sunnygal 23 hours, 15 minutes ago.

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  • #45442

    steph66
    Participant

    I’d really appreciate your help as I am feeling so confused, and wondering if it’s me or him. And am I just spoiled and “entitled”? If that’s what I am, please tell me in your honest opinion, so that I have a wake-up call if that’s truly how it is.

    So here goes… My other half and I have always had a bit of a 2-tier life. I earn around £20k pa from my own business, juggled with homeschooling my 3 kids (they have home tutors as they have autism/adhd). He is on an income of £150,000 a year, plus an extra bonus of £100,000 at the end of the year. Plus he just got a pay-off of £1 million. We’ve been together 10 years but they are not his kids so I dont expect him to do anything for them or do anything for them.

    On the outside, it looks like we have a lovely posh house and nice lifestyle. Yet he expects me to pay 50% of the household bills, so I am constantly struggling to make every little last penny stretch out as I simply cant afford the sort of lifestyle he wants so I have ended up getting myself into £20K of debt.

    To give you examples of how it works day to day. He has a Maserati Granturismo for when he’s driving out alone and an Audi for when we go out as a family. I have a bashed up old people carrier with the mirrors selotaped on and large dents on the back and sides as I cant afford to repair it. He is taking his parents out to dine at Le Manoir (£1,000 per meal) and drinking £150 bottles of wine each night. I am taking in lodgers to help bring in money and shopping in charity shops for clothes worrying all the times about the bills.

    I do everything in the house. I mean everything — cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, gardening — he doesnt lift a finger except to iron his own shirts or when people visit he is suddenly Mr Helpful cooking and clearing the table.

    He has total control of the money which he’s used to buy a 2nd 5-bed property for his “pension” and which he’s let his parents live in. (So everyone thinks “what a lovely man who cares for his parents”)

    I am working 16-hour days sometimes with everything I have to do, even getting up at 2am to get things done and do washing, while he sits doing Soduko puzzles, goes running, goes to football, goes for walks, sees his friends, reads the paper and watches TV. When I asked him to help me once, he got so angry with me — telling me he was at his “absolute limits” of what he could cope with and couldnt possibly help me. And all he can do is criticise and find fault and complain that I don’t do things properly.

    I probably sound like a spoilt bitch with this kind of lifestyle but I’m struggling to make sense of it. I feel embarrassed and humiliated to have to ask him for money (which I’ve done on the fingers of one hand when I’ve been desperate.) I probably sound like a golddigger, but I’m not.

    It just all feels so wrong to be living this kind of life. But I’m confused as I don’t want to be one of those “entitled” people who expect help and think they have a right to it. But I’m 52 and worrying about my old age as I don’t have a pension and he is saying now he wants me to take Fridays off work so I can go for a walk with him in his retirement, but I need to work to pay the bills. Paying for things for the kids is just a constant worry.

    He is always making out he is better than me and cleverer at everything from cooking to reading maps and maths etc. But I have a Degree and a Masters, and I’ve been cooking since the age of 12, and sometimes he gets things wrong too (a lot of times actually) so I know I cant be that useless and stupid as he says. But he is constantly correcting me — like changing the washing machine buttons or turning the cooker up or down cos I’ve done it “wrong”. And even when I do the thing he last did to try to get it “right”, he changes the rules again.

    Anyways, I’m just venting. Please say what you think and help me make sense of this. I just feel so unhappy and confused — and ashamed to be in this mess — it makes my head spin going over it. I cant tell anyone as it all looks so “nice” from the outside but inside I’m so desperately confused and miserable.

    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  steph66.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  steph66.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  steph66.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  steph66.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  steph66.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  steph66.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  steph66.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  steph66.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  steph66.
  • #45453

    Redwald
    Participant

    Is this guy’s name Ebenezer by any chance? With that £100,000 bonus, he earns more than twelve times what you do, quite apart from that extra million. With all the work you do for him, he’s exploiting you wholesale for cheap labor, which isn’t fair. You should change your name to Cinderella. Also the household expenses must be high because of his lifestyle–higher than they would be if you lived in a home more suited to your lower income–so it’s unfair to expect you to pay half. You have no business going into debt to support his lifestyle.

    It sounds as if you’re not married. If you were, with all the money he has, if you divorced him you should end up with a large financial settlement and you’d be far better off than you are now! Then you could afford to trade in that beat-up old jalopy for a nice new SUV. You could end up saving pounds on Sellotape alone!

    However, you may still be entitled to “palimony” in the UK after ten years with all you’ve done for him. If you are, all his talk of leaving you could be a bluff because he’d end up losing a big chunk of his net worth. If I were you I’d talk to a lawyer right away about your prospects. At the very least, splitting is a threat you may be able to hold over his head to get more money out of him. Time to go on strike for a raise! I would also demand that he start by paying off your £20k debt immediately. He can easily afford it. £20k is just chump change to him, a mere 20 of those dinners at the Café Royal!

  • #45454

    Redwald
    Participant

    Here’s an article worth reading. Mind you, its sexism is offensive. I hate the way some females talk as if they’re the only victims of exploitation. They need to get their heads out of their own butts. This is not just a “women’s problem.” Contrary to the article, not all women are “codependent” by any means, and there are also plenty of “make-do men” out there scrimping, saving and denying themselves to support a self-indulgent, greedy, extravagant wife. But the principle is the same, no matter which sex we’re talking about.

    Don’t Be a “Make-Do” Woman

  • #45458

    flowerchild65
    Participant

    you are a victim of SEVERE “gaslighting” and you have got to get away from him or you might just die of a heart attack or stroke. Period.
    Read this article and also watch that video…..

    What is Gaslighting?


    and

  • #45463

    takenokrap
    Participant

    How you allow them to treat you is dependent upin you. You allow him to treat you this way. He is controlling and seems to take pleasure in making you feel miserable and to make you suffer. Why are you allowing this? Has he eroded your self esteem so much that you no longer have the energy to do anything about it? Been there myself and got rid. You have two choices stay or go. The relationship is toxic and it will only get worse. Move on be single learn from this situation as people are a lesson or a blessing.

  • #45481

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Steph66 – omg – please understand that you are not in a relationship. This man views you as a housekeeper who is paying him to live there.

    There is nothing wrong with you, and everything wrong with him. Please find a way to get out.

  • #45488

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Steph66 could you find safe housing for you and your children on your salary?

  • #45489

    steph66
    Participant

    Thanks for your kindness. I am looking to see what kind of property is available, but the kids are home tutored, and I dont want to have to send them back to school as I’m not sure they’d cope.
    My partner was angry with me all Sunday as he says I don’t give him enough attention as I am with the children all the time and always busy on things other than him, so again he hinted he’ll leave. I felt a huge wave of fear and I have felt sick and anxious all day. Why, I don’t know. It feels like how my parents were with me, so I guess that is why I am so stuck. I’m afraid I wont be able to cope or afford anything and i’ll be working all the time, even harder than I am now, and I’ll have no time for my kids. If I can just bear it for another 5 years I’ll get them to college. Except 5 years seems such a very long time. Why am I so afraid to leave someone who is so nasty to me all the time? It’s so messed up. Thanks for listening anyways. You probably are thinking that I’m some kind of nutjob.

  • #45491

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    steph66 – Everyone at Lovefraud totally understands what you are talking about. Your partner may be calling you a nutjob, but everyone here knows what you are dealing with.

    If you can make up your mind that you want to get out, some paths may open to you that you never thought of before.

  • #45495

    n0tjamesmontgomery
    Participant

    You have a great life actually, although it could be better. Try to seduce your man into marriage if you haven’t. Then after a few years, make sure you file for divorce and bring up all accusations you did here. Only in court. Take your rightful half and disappear. Flip the tables and get your vengeance. Take what’s yours and put him in his place. That’s the only thing that will really work…

  • #45517

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    steph- how is it going?

  • #45524

    steph66
    Participant

    Thanks for asking Sunnygal. He is being “nice” at the moment so it is bearable. Though I know it won’t last as he’s Jekyll and Hyde so often I wonder if he’s bi-polar. I’ve been looking around at houses to see what I can afford and seeing if I can apply for a low income mortgage. I guess this is just the first step in the journey and I will need to take babysteps at first. It is my emotions mainly holding me back: fear of being alone, fear of making a mistake, fear of not being able to cope, fear that all men are this way, fear that it is my fault and I have been doing something wrong that caused him to be like this. All this talk of trying to get money out of him isn’t me and not what I’m about. I just want a calm and happy life for me and my children.

  • #45530

    Stargazer
    Participant

    steph66, your unhappiness is the only information you need. This guy sounds selfish and narcissistic, and he is definitely gaslighting (brainwashing) you. He has no clue who you are or what your life is like. I have dated a few men who had a lot of money and were very controlling with it. One of them wanted to marry me and support me, but he wanted me first to get rid of my beloved cat. Another one kept dangling things in front of me, such as helping me fix my old car. But whenever we would get in an argument, he would take the carrot away that he was dangling. I decided it’s better to be poor than to live with someone like this. I struggled for a few years but then became very self-sufficient. I never had kids like you do, but I had 3 cats, and they were my children. I know it’s not the same, but trying to find a place to live that allowed cats without spending an arm and a leg for security deposit was not easy, nor was the move with them to several different condos over the years while dealing with all of their health issues. All of this has made me very strong. I’m glad I never stayed with the narcissistic men, though I certainly considered it at the time. I will guarantee you that you have much more strength than you think. As Donna says, once you make the decision to move on, you will find support. It’s not that you are the least bit entitled, as you say. It’s that you can’t understand how a many who claims to love you can be so selfish and withholding, laying a trip on you all the while. There’s a big difference.

  • #45532

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    steph Good you are looking into other housing and low income mortgages. A therapist i know recommends becoming your own best friend. This can help.

  • #45554

    steph66
    Participant

    OMG he has just today asked me if he can borrow some money off me to buy a new sports car with personalised number plate as he has spotted one he likes that he wants to buy today but doesn’t have enough cash to cover it til end of month. He looked at me like I was lying and was questioning me about what I was doing with my money. I’ve told him so many times I’m struggling, but he just doesn’t believe me.

  • #45555

    olapoland
    Participant

    Hi, as many people here, I need help. I’m depressed, have no money to live, I cannot work as much as I want to, because I was diagnosed with fibromyalgya. I sm trying to do my best, but everyday I have the same situation with my husband. He controls me, critisised in little things. I know that this is gas lighting. I read ebooks, books, articles, and I want to leave, but when I am in shock, I cannot remember many things. Every time I want to tell him I leave, he says sth which makes me nervous, shocked. My family doesn’t believe me. I don’t have time to regenerate my power. I was looking for support group here, in Poland, but there are no such groups in my city. I need support, someone who will say to me:” That is not your fault, this situation is sick, not you. You only reacts. You can do it!You can leave!”. I couldn’t find someone who help me for many hard months, but I still have a little hope, that someone will understand.I have got my dreams, but I feel in a trap. I saw the film” I, Tina” several times, and I think I have the same problem. I cannot hurt him. I know that is stupid. My parents divorced when I was six. I feel worth nothing. Everyday I fight, but there were so many cycles of emotional abuse. If someone here could tell me, is it possible to get out this trap? How to begin?

  • #45556

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    steph- this guy is disordered. you need to leave.

    olapoland- start a new topic for yourself.

  • #45588

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    OlaPoland,

    It sounds like you are in a complex situation, and it is difficult to figure out how to change things for yourself. Can you find a good counselor or therapist to talk to who may be able to help you sort through the challenges you’re facing? You sound like you’re dealing with feelings of despair, and that you don’t see a way to make positive change in your life. If there is a woman’s shelter or counseling center in your area, consider calling them for some immediate help. Here is a link to a hotline phone number and also a live chat: http://www.thehotline.org/about-us/contact/

    You might consider writing out a list of the problems you’re facing, the things you’d like to be different in your life, and list out possible solutions as well as the pros and cons of various actions.

    That you’ve reached out to this forum shows that you’re taking active steps to make things better for you. Yes, you absolutely can do what it takes to make your life good and to take good care of yourself. Things will get better for you.

  • #45589

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Steph, Reply 45495 is not helpful and pretty inappropriate for this forum. Consider ignoring it.

    You might consider contacting a local women’s shelter to help you with the process of getting out of your situation. Even if your partner has not been violent in the past, from what you describe he is an abuser. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving her abuser. Women’s Shelters usually have counselors and other resources to help with the emotional and logistical challenges of leaving a situation. Consider calling a hotline sometime when your partner isn’t around and it’s safe to do so, and explaining your situation.

  • #45593

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    steph- welldoing.org is in london.

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