May 16, 2020 at 5:34 am #62753
Hi Donna, hi everyone,
I had a tough evening last night. It was my ex’s birthday – and a milestone one. It just brought up a lot of pain around us not being together any more. He came to collect the kids in the evening and it was just so hard to not to hug him and want a kiss. However, I restrained myself. I had got presents for him from the kids, of course, but nothing from me, not even a card. I wanted him to get the message that our relationship is truly over, despite the contact we’re having for the sake of the kids (he has made it clear he still wants a “friendship” with me). I felt so mean though. That’s the empath in me – it was just hurting so much to see him and have to be so aloof, on such a special day. But I did it.
A few of things helped:
1. Reminding myself of how emotionally cruel he has been to me for such a long time, and mentally reviewing all the crap I’ve had to put up with, bringing specific incidents consciously to mind as a reminder.
2. Reminding myself that he had actually planned for his girlfriend to be here to share his birthday (but she couldn’t fly out because of the pandemic). Why should I then step in and fill that gap (and “be there” for him on his special day)?
3. Listening to Donna! Donna, I’m sorry I can’t make your live sessions because of the time zone difference, but I listened to some of your youtube presentations and they were brilliant – you are so knowledgeable, compassionate, calm and clear, and it really helped me get through the evening (I did my crochet while I listened, and it was all very therapeutic.
4. Reminding myself how much BETTER I already feel, living life away from him. The toxic shame is beginning to lift. I feel like I’m breathing cleaner air. I feel physically much better (my physical health had really nosedived over the years I was with him and it is beginning to turn around now he’s no longer polluting my life with his mind games, manipulation, shaming and emotional cruelty).
Anyway, thank you, Donna, from someone who is really benefiting from all the work you have put into this lovefraud endeavour!
May 16, 2020 at 3:01 pm #62756
May 17, 2020 at 2:01 pm #62764polestarParticipant
Hi freeatlast – what you went through is the toughest situation imaginable. You did beautifully and I sincerely congratulate you ! You did everything completely perfectly – I like how you were able to do your crochet and to listen to Donna’s wisdom at the same time. To be able to do what you did through the whole scenario shows tremendous strength of character. I read somewhere that the definition of courage does not mean that you don’t feel fear, but that you go forward and do what you know to be right in the face of fear. Though you were not feeling fear of course, you still were able to do what was right while feeling the hurt. Not many can do that. In any case, each step you take in strength will make each next step be easier and the emotional upset will recede. Keep up the fantastic healing work you’re doing !
May 17, 2020 at 5:40 pm #62770
Thanks, polestar, it’s great to get a pat on the back. That was tough! I’m still not over it – it really did churn up some pain for me – but hopefully as you say, it is strengthening to get
through each of these roadbumps on the path to healing….
May 18, 2020 at 9:01 am #62775Donna AndersenKeymaster
freeatlast – you are so very welcome. I am grateful that Lovefraud is helping you. Knowing that people are benefitting makes the effort worthwhile.
You did excellent work in overcoming the addiction. Remember — what you are feeling is addiction, an addiction that was created by his hot-and-cold treatment of you. The longer you are away from him, the more the addiction will ease. It takes time and perseverance. You’re doing great! Keep going!
May 18, 2020 at 3:44 pm #62777
Thank you, Donna, thank you everyone. It is hard but it’s also up and down and at its worst at times like that special day. Some of the time I’m pretty relieved it’s over – there’s a reason I picked “free at last” for my username!! I guess I will get more and more into feeling just glad, rather than glad mixed with heartbroken.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.