June 30, 2019 at 3:14 pm #53116
I am married to a cheating sociopath. I’ve been biding my time for the last 7 years (although my story goes back much further than that) on what to do. After finding out that he has been doing our cleaning lady, I’ve got to get out. Since finding that little tidbit of info out, we already had a trip to Las Vegas planned for the 4th of July.
Should I confront him now about ending our marriage or wait until after the trip?
BTW: I have already been through therapy for this so I am not that rattled by this latest development. In fact, when the cleaning lady showed up at his show last night, I got into her head and rattled her but without revealing what I know. She doesn’t know that I knew her story about getting picked by a friend for a party was a lie. I had already seen a text between them where he offered to give her a ride home. I cockblocked his ass. After being a victim of this behavior and manipulated by him for so long, it felt good to shake them up.
June 30, 2019 at 4:11 pm #53117
dogmom- I would say wait until after the trip then have the divorce papers served. Have a good support system in place.
June 30, 2019 at 10:46 pm #53124
Dogmom, so glad you know who he is and have been thru therapy. A word of wisdom…please DO NOT play mind game with a sociopath or his latest target. It always back fires. He could easily turn the table and get you arrested for nothing by simply lying etc or harm you.
Instead just work on your “Domestic abuse Exit plan” (google) out of this abusive marriage and focus on your next 10 steps. See you tube also. CLEAR YOUR HISTORY ON YOUR COMPUTER FOR YOUR SAFETY.
Sociopaths are always 10 steps ahead of their victims especially their spouse. SO focus on getting out safely and let him go do what every he has been up to. Ask all your trusted friends & family to help you also.
I would suggest that you get sick i.e. flu etc the night before this trip and insist he goes alone. Play sick!! Then let him go to Vegas without you, while you get friends/family scheduled ahead of this Vegas trip to help you get to a safe house if that is your plan. If you plan to stay in your home & have him leave then you need to have a lawyer help you with this. He is not going to most likely go easily.
Remember sociopaths want full control & power over everyone!! Especially their spouse. He will try to Lovebomb you back into a relationship with him if you tell him now or HARM YOU.
Before I left I never gave my now ex husband any indication I was leaving him for good. He was clueless even when I left him. He finally got the hint when he was served divorce papers while he was on a business trip. He tried to love bomb me…I imposed the No contact rule (look this up here on LF and the net) without even knowing this term.
You should be so proud of yourself for surviving the hell that you have been thur, getting into therapy and now having the strength to end this nightmare of a marriage.
The blessing of him having this mistress, is he will be busy with her when you do leave him…never the less DO NOT underestimate his Lovebombing tactics.
Sociopaths do not want to let go of their spouse,even when their spouses have had enough of their bs.
remember the most dangerous time for a woman in a emotional, mental, verbal and/or physical abusive relationship IS WHEN SHE IS ABOUT TO LEAVE OR HAS JUST LEFT. So please get help with a Domestic abuse Exit plan out of this Dangerous marriage. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline in your country to talk with a free counselor about this EXIT plan. IN the USA THE HOTLINE 800-799-SAFE. See their website also
Keep venting here & also reading everything. This site is a blessing for all of us that were leaving in hell. You should be so proud of yourself hon. You are not alone. We hear you!!! 💜💜💜
Wishing you all the best!! 🍀💜💜
PS if you do not have your lawyer set up yet, I would suggest you do this asap. Sociopaths are ruthless once served papers. Remember he has been thinking about you leaving him since day one and has a plan in place already. This is why it’s so important to have all your ducks in a row.
If you have children do a search here on LF for “One moms battle” “Tina Swiften”. She has books too..
June 30, 2019 at 10:49 pm #53125
ps do a search here on LF and the net for the following terms:
Sociopath smear campaign
No Contact rule
Low contact rule (with children)
Watch Donna’s videos up at the top of this site.
July 1, 2019 at 1:22 am #53129
Thank you all for the wonderful suggestions. It is not the first time that I have heard that with sociopaths, you just have to get up and leave. For those of you who have done it, how did you do it? How did you deal with the phone calls asking where you were (I’m assuming that would be a question)? How did you go back and get all of your stuff?
July 1, 2019 at 2:44 am #53130
Hi Dogmom, for me, my ex was cheating (again) and my gut knew this. At the time I did not know the extent of his cheating (found out after I left he was cheating with 3 woman maybe more). But, years earlier I caught him in a affair with a co-worker. My gut was telling me he was cheating. He would turn it around saying “your cheating” (as they do) which was all a manipulation tactic and of course he denied his cheating. Then lovebombing would start, then fights then being ignored etc (Cycle of abuse). Even thought I told him I was done. He knew how to con me back in.
This last time, I just had enough when he was yelling at me out of the blue, picking fights etc. I was like thats it “I’m done”. My job had moved out of state, so he convinced me not to move with the job or find a new job right away. So I was depended on him for money. He keep a tight fist with money for me, but would carry large cash on him.
During the next few weeks I bit my tougue. I just would let him rant & go off without caring. Without engage with him. He would try to bait me into a fight and I just would not take the bait. I knew that I needed to stay focused on my escape and at night I would get out of bed & open his wallet to take a hundred dollars. Then I hide it under the guest bedroom mattress. i did this incase he would notice I took money out of his wallet & knew he would go look in my purse. After a few weeks I had $300.
I then loaded up my car with things that I needed. Told know one. And drove 3000 miles away to a place that I knew he would not look while he was on a business trip. I basically ignored his calls. He had no idea I had left him.
I remember about a few hours in to the trip a huge weight had literally (well it felt this way) off my shoulders. I know now that my body & mind were under so much tension that this was a release mind, body & sprit after years of abuse. I knew then I would never go back to him no matter what he said to me or did. I was done. Powerful moment!!
I just ignored his phone calls & let them go to voice mail. I actually stopped listening to them. My body & mind were just done. i was mentally & emotionally exhausted & if I did read his emails it would make me sick physically. It’s interesting how the mind & body work under this kind of duress. Any other time that I had in my mindset that I was done…I would take his calls while sittign in a parking lot trying to get my mind to figure out what to do and he would talk me back after a fight.
But, that last time I was just done. Thankfully. It’s not easy to leave the last time. But, you just get to that point you can take the roller emotional coster ride daily any more. Life with a sociopath is like being on a hamster wheel to no where ville. Their chaos, drama, crazy mindset, crazy behavior…you are just done with it. I wanted peace & calm in my life. And I knew this was the breaking point.
I drove to a safe place (family member) and stayed a week then drove to our main home packed up a few things (we were at our 2nd home). Then drove to my parents home. That is were I hired a divorce lawyer (via phone DO NOT DO THIS!! big mistake). And then served him divorce papers. He left a message saying “I thought we were going to work things out”…I smiled to myself…and thought to myself…That’s not going to happen. Good moment!! Very freeing when your mind breaks free of their brain washing literally!!
Domestic abuser are cult leaders!! Once you understand that your husband is a cult leader = you will break your mind fully free.
My advise to you…if you are safe…is to stay and find a good divorce lawyer who understands domestic abuse…not all do. But, this will save you a nightmare of a divorce. To me marriage to a sociopath is Hell…divoricng one is the bottom of hell.
I’m not saying to stay in your home…just go visit family or friends for a girls trip to clear your mind if you can even if they live in the same town as you…make up a story…your mom needs you, friend needs you etc. Then get your ducks in a row…divorce lawyer…figure out how to get him out of the house legally or find a place to safe place to live i.e. a secure condo instead of a apartment complex. Condos and apartments are usually the same price but a condo may have secure parking & lock entry etc.
Look into buying a security system at home depot ($15 for a door or window or full system for $200 take batteries vs hardwiring) or better a Home security company to call you if there is something going on at your home.
When you leave your body will naturally release larges amounts of cortisol. This release is part of the reason women stay with their abuser. This realize creates a lot of anxiety. So NOW get your body in good health. Most victims suffer from anxiety & depression so look into Adrenal fatigue symptoms. See site like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue .org. The type of doctor that deals with this is called a Endocrinologist.
Also, this documentary helped me FREE on you tube “Super Juice Me documentary”…this method will flood your body with much needed vitamin & minerals which due to the stress you are under is most likely depleted.
My ex fought in court and basically got everything. This is why it’s best ONLY IF YOU ARE SAFE to get your ducks in a row.
BUT, IF YOU ARE NOT SAFE THEN GET OUT NOW WITH THE HELP OF YOUR LOCAL DOMESTIC ABUSE CENTER.
Your husband will fight for everything including your toothbrush….this is their mind set…in their minds they own everything including you. So you have to ask yourself…what is really important materialisticly and then sneek those things out..if you can safely…and then just leave what you can replace or dont want.
If you choice to stay and sneek things out…then you need to do it very stealthy so that you do not set him off..Best to get trusted friends & family to help you with this. I can not empathy enough YOUR SAFETY OUTWEIGHS ANY MATERIALISTIC THINGS IN YOUR HOME!!
During this time bit your tongue…and most importantly go to your local domestic abuse center for support. They also have free counseling & free women group meetings. This is so valuable to know that you are not alone and that they will help you with a exit plan out.
I know right now your mind is racing and you are so stressed out. Ask your trusted friends & family to help you during this very stressful time. They love you and want to help you. Even if your husband has isolated you from them then are waiting for you to come for help no doubt.
Keep asking questions!!
Sending you huge hugs!! 💜💜💜
July 1, 2019 at 9:44 am #53133
Regarding finding an attorney, on the 4th of July weekend they are probably on vacation so I would wait until the next weekJ
July 1, 2019 at 6:06 pm #53140
dogmom- do you really want to go on vacation with him??? Jan offered a great suggestion – get sick at the last minute – insist that he go “enjoy himself” without you, and then move out while he is gone.
You might want to check out our webinars on leaving and divorcing a sociopath – tons of great information!
He will probably retaliate in some way, so you definitely need to be prepared.
July 2, 2019 at 9:17 am #53144
I already have a lawyer from the first time I had papers drawn up. I have an appointment in a couple of weeks. With regard to support system, I don’t have one. My mom, dad, brother have all passed away. I do have family that I am close with in other states but my job is here along with my retirement benefits that I’m still accruing. I can’t put distance between me and this mess. I wish I could, believe me.
By the way, when I did confide in a few friends about what was going on, they stayed away because they didn’t like him after I told them what he has been doing. On top of it, I was embarrassed that I was still with him.
Should I tell my adult children what’s going on so he doesn’t poison them against me? I was thinking that when I move, I would not tell them where I am for fear he would find out. Is that a good strategy?
As far as the vacation thing goes, I cannot cancel. He already knows I know something about his latest thing and I can’t risk not acting my normal self. Which I’m not, but I’m trying. He is hypersensitive about my actions right now.
I believe you all when you say there will be some sort of retaliation and lies made at me. I’ve never pushed things this far with him like total ghosting I’m planning so I don’t know what’s going to happen.
While I wait to talk to an attorney and look for a place I can afford, I will begin packing my things. One of the articles on lovefraud.com said that even if I ask for support so I can afford a place (I live in SoCal and make a lot of money, rents are astronomical especially when also paying parent portion of student loans) to live, he could still lie his way out of paying any money.
July 2, 2019 at 11:10 am #53145
I would wait until you have a support system in place before you do the divorce. You could be in contact with your relatives in other states, find a women’s support group, do yoga and have tapes of supportive people. You can call the domestic violence hotline.
I would tell your adult children what is going on.
I hope you have a good attorney who will fight for you.
July 2, 2019 at 3:57 pm #53146
dogmom, I encountered a similar situation. My (now ex) had been away from our home for a few days. I had already filed for divorce which he knew nothing about. During his absence I wanted to keep him from returning home. My lawyer wrote up an “Exclusive use of the Marital Home” order which the Circuit Judge signed. I do believe this order will have a husband Removed. Mine was already away. Please ask your lawyer.
My lawyer said this order gave me the sole rights to live in the home, and proved to be much better than a Personal Protection order.
I hired a process server to deliver this. Once this order was delivered, my husband (ex) was ordered to stay away from the home. He was allowed to take his personal items. My divorce is now final. This order still holds true as my lawyer stated in the divorce papers, which the Judge signed.
If, for any reason my Ex needs to come around the propery, he must first have my consent. For example, dropping off food for my animals (which he’s responsible for by court Order) After the divorce settlement, he was allowed to pick up some material items. He also knows that when he does come, others (neighbors) know that he’s here.
Ask your lawyer if this order is acceptable in the state that you live.
I would go on vacation, but not without notifying your lawyer. Ask him/her to look into this for you. Please, always let someone know where you’ll be at all times.
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by deb55.
July 2, 2019 at 5:16 pm #53148
if it was me, I wouldnt have taken this trip. Unless you have everything set up, before you left. I got to where I didnt want to be with him, for ANY reason..fun, meals, anything. I had lost ALL respect for him as a man. I did leave, during a weekend temp job he was on. I was SO DONE..but I had my safe place to go to, as much money as i could save..and a lawyer.
July 2, 2019 at 10:56 pm #53157
dogmom- I checked and CA does have temporary Exclusive Use of Marital Home if there is fear of domestic violence.
July 3, 2019 at 4:41 am #53158
This website has been a Godsend. How did you all deal with your anger and keep it under control so the sociopath didn’t catch on that you were on to him/her? I am so angry and hurt over the things/proof I am finding that I find it hard to hold it in. He has been doing so many things with this woman behind my back and they’re having a good laugh at my expense. I know this for a fact. After I asked the mistress/cleaning lady why he wanted to talk to her outside and she told me it was just to say hello. I later learned that they laughed about lying to me and not being quite sure how much I knew but thinking they did a really good job. That hurt. They made it sound like I was the crazy one for interfering in their relationship when I’m the wife! I can’t wait for this nightmare to be over. The sad part as I’m reading through the different articles you all have been sending is that it does no good to talk about feelings or express hurt over his actions. He’s done it before and has never stopped. Plus I have my past letters as proof of his sociopathic responses. So textbook and matches everything that has been said on this site.
Thank you all for your wonderful and encouraging responses.
July 3, 2019 at 9:05 am #53160
Dogmom – You do need to express your anger – just not to him. Anger is a physical sensation, and you need to do something physical to get rid of it. Punching bags, screaming in the car – anything that helps you release the pent up emotion – do it. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face in a pillow and beating it until I collapsed.
Releasing the anger will help you maintain the act as long as you need to.
Here’s why you don’t want to show your anger to him: First of all, he doesn’t are. Secondly, it actually feeds him. Sociopaths love to provoke reactions. When you are upset, he gets the satisfaction of knowing he still has control over you.
It is wise, by the way, to keep acting the way you normally do until you are ready to make your move and escape.
July 3, 2019 at 9:53 am #53161
Question about the sociopaths’ women. For me, a few of the women have been people I know and others not. Why do the women agree to keep up the charade and not just demand the sociopath get a divorce? Or threaten him to tell me about the relationship?
I am fascinated by the way the woman in my story was able to look me in the face and talk to me as if I knew nothing and everything was honky dorey? I wouldn’t be able to look a wife in the eye without feeling guilt if the tables were turned.
July 3, 2019 at 10:18 am #53162
You ask: “Why do the women agree to keep up the charade and not just demand the sociopath get a divorce? Or threaten him to tell me about the relationship?”
I feel that most women who knowingly have an affair with a married man do it with full knowledge of the “right/wrong” of the situation but don’t care. Their motives might differ – lust, power, hedonistic pleasure, greed, envy or desperation, but they are just as much at fault as the philandering husband. And I would guess that the man has filled their heads with lies about the wife – “she doesn’t understand me”, “we live separate lives”, “she makes me crazy”, “she is crazy”. AND with myriad excuses of why he can’t leave “She has threatened me/the kids if I leave”, “I couldn’t live with the guilt if she does kill herself like she has threatened so many times”, “I am waiting for my inheritance to come in so she can’t take everything”. These women are willing to continue the affair on a thin promise of a brighter tomorrow. Or they don’t really want to marry the man – they just want to feel powerful in knowing they have taken him from another woman.
You also state: “I wouldn’t be able to look a wife in the eye without feeling guilt if the tables were turned.” That is because you are a good person. Nothing wrong with that!
You deserve so much better. I am glad you are thinking this through, making plans, looking ahead. The advice given here is excellent. I know you have to follow your own road to get there. Just be aware of the dangers and pitfalls and prepare yourself emotionally, financially and legally. Best wishes!
July 5, 2019 at 8:32 pm #53172
I now understand that he cares nothing for my feelings and never will. While I stay status quo until my meetings with the attorney and therapist, how do I find it within me to not care that he is constantly texting her and making plans to meet up with her. How do I stop looking for evidence of the relationship when I already have it. How do I stop? I want to NOT care?
It takes 6 weeks for anti-depressants to start to work. I can’t wait for that numbness to set in.
July 5, 2019 at 10:47 pm #53173
Hi Dogmom, sending you huge hugs hon.💜 It’s not easy to get all your ducks in a row before leaving them. It’s not easily to turn off your feelings for a sociopath. He has been conning you into his con game since day one and bonding you to him with his manipulative tactics. He knew how to hook you into his game with mind games from day one and now he has hooked a new victim into his con game. This mistress has no idea she is a victim of a con man sociopath. DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY ARGUMENT WITH HIS MISTRESS!! She is a victim just like you. Always remember that.
Now, you have to unravel all of his brain washing & mind control he did to you. He is your cult leader & you are his cult follower. But, the good news is your mind has awoken to what he really is = a sociopath. This is huge. Pat yourself on the back hon. You are making steps out of this very dangerous situation.
I would highly recommend that you contact your local abuse center & go for free counseling & women group meetings. They both are free. And this WILL help you to see the truth.
Also, educating yourself every day here at Lovefraud by reading EVERYTHING. Donna also has wonderful courses to break your mind free & be able to let go.
Look up “Trauma bonding” here at love fraud & on the net.
I would also highly recommend that you find a good Endocrinologist doctor to heal your body. You have been thru hell with this guy. And like I stated above your body needs to heal and this will also heal your mind. Look up symptoms of Adrenal fatigue. See sites like Adrenal fatigue.org and also Drlam. com *I have zero affiliate to these sites other then my doctor giving me adrenal fatigue. org vitamins when I escaped my ex a sociopath.
Google also: “Dr Amen depression you tube”. He is a leading brain specialist and counselor how has conducted over 80,000 brain scans (at his clinics) and he believes that Rx drugs should be last resort for people suffering from depression. You are also most likely suffering from PTSD (most domestic abuse victims suffer from this ) I believe the root issues that needs to be healed is Adrenal fatigue (My own experience of living in hell with a sociopath).
To heal your adrenal glands look into a good clean diet, get plenty of rest & relaxation, sleep, possible NATURAL hormonal balancing not synthetic!!, vitamins & Minerals including magnesium, D, B’s. Get tested for vitamin & Mineral deficiency (this is most likely a major issues and this will cause depression and anxiety). Also look into Progesterone creme (if you have low leaves of progesterone then you can be depressed).
Watch the free documentary on you tube called “Super Juice me documentary”. This is a powerful documentary to learn that veggies & juicing really do heal the body & mind. I now juice everyday. It really does work. You can buy a $30 juicer at Walmart that works just fine.
One thing I recommend is do not “numb” yourself!! You need to feel these feeligns..I know it incredibly scary to feel these feelings. But, the reason why you need to feel them is so that your mind & body will heal naturally. When I left (like most victims) I was a wreak…broken down…my body was under duress, my mind was weakened by the nightmare I was dealing with. And on top of all that my body was producing huge amounts of cortisol (this is natural when ending a relationship but worse when dealing with a sociopath). What worked for me was my doctor giving me Dr Wilson’s vitamins one was just B complex (4 times a day) and also another one for the adrenal glands (found on Adrenal fatigue. org) (4 times a day…2 pills am, 1 at noon, 1 at 2 and two before bed (I think) and also a Rx of progesterone pills ( an natural hormone) this calmed my nerves within 4 hours. ALL natural. Within a few weeks I felt like I was moving towards my old self before meeting the sociopath.
Keep posting here hon. I know you might feel alone…but you are NOT. WE HEAR YOU!!
With regards to your husband having a mistress…this is a blessing hon…I know that it does not feel like it…but, she is your key out of this relationship. He is distracted right now and now you can plot your way out.
If you feel like you can not stay another day with him…then please please please go to your local abuse center for free counseling and they can help you with a exit plan out.
I’m so sorry that you are in emotional pain right now…but, I can promise you this in a few months you will be happy you left him…and in 6 months you will be counting your luck stars you escaped. One day at a time, some moments just one hour or minute at a time.
Sending you hug hugs on. National US Domestic violence hotline 800-799-SAFE see their website also. Be sure to clear your computer history each time you use it.
July 5, 2019 at 11:00 pm #53174
Dogmom, if you feel like you need to leave him before talking to a lawyer…then leave. That is your gut telling you to get out. The National Domestic abuse hotline can help.
Do you have your own money that you can find a safe place to live?? IF so, start looking for a safe place. Like I stated above Condo rentals are excellent for safety over an apartment and are usually the same price. YOU can check with a local realist company or online…sites like Zillow. com have listing or your local newspaper usually on Thursdays and sundays list these types of ads but you can check their site or call them.
Keep yourself busy. Pack a box or two if you can hide them or rent a storage locker but, ONLY if your husband will not see you doing this because he may become physically abusive towards you. If you have any friends that are trust worth ask them to help you.
YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW. Again DO NOT Stay if your gut is telling you to run!!
July 6, 2019 at 1:59 am #53175
dogmom- Hang in there if you can. Detach from him. See him as an alien which he is.
July 6, 2019 at 3:20 pm #53177
deb55 Nice to see your post.
July 8, 2019 at 11:07 am #53205
dogmom-How is it going?
July 26, 2019 at 6:27 pm #53416
I am quite new to the site, and have just been reading through all you have gone through and are going through. The participants who answered your questions by sharing their story are a huge blessing to you. To see examples of such heroism and courage, not only shows you the path to get out of the horrific maze of psychological abuse you are experiencing, but is a wonderful example that can give you confidence that you can definitely do this too. Identify with their strength and it will add power to you as you navigate out of such a horrific situation. I know that it can feel so overwhelming to go through the divorce and deal with your husband’s psychopathology at the same time, but you will get away. And when you do, you will heal and gain back your peace of mind and the love in your heart will heal as well. One day you will be posting to someone in need, and you will be a huge help from your example. If those others are snickering at you now, remember that you are the one with strength of character and you are the one who is taking the strong steps, leaving them ” in the dust “. You will be ” out of there “, and then they will be left feeling bewildered and with nothing but emptiness, without your suffering for them to feed off. Blessings to you
July 29, 2019 at 1:33 pm #53435
dogmom- I hope you are doing O.K. Let us know when you have time.
July 30, 2019 at 9:42 pm #53446
Thank you Sunnygal, Day 2 is even easier. I’ve finally accepted that this is over and I can’t change him. I feel relieved and surprisingly more optomistic that I don’t have to worry about what I say, do or what might upset him. I’ve lived that way for far to long. Thinking my words before I speak and still getting it wrong. Trying to make him happy and realizing it wasn’t enough. Trying to be someone he told me to be instead of being me. I have this overwhelming happiness everytime I tell myself ” No more”.
July 30, 2019 at 10:08 pm #53447
lost- Glad it is going well. keep it up. You posted on dogmom’s topic. better to post on your own.
August 8, 2019 at 4:25 pm #53585
dogmom- hope you are well.
September 7, 2019 at 7:27 pm #54119
Thank you for checking on me. It’s taken me awhile to figure out how to get back to this post to reply. Since my original post, I have been working on finding a place, working with my therapist and divorce papers. I’ve also been working on getting a clearer picture of the monster I married.
September 7, 2019 at 7:48 pm #54120
dogmom- Good to see your post. You’re not going to try for Exclusive Possession of the Marital Home during the divorce?
September 8, 2019 at 11:13 pm #54136
So glad to hear from you! It sounds like you are making great progress with a lot of coals in the fire. You are definitely doing your part in moving forward and away from that abusive situation. Keep going, and one day the flames will all ignite – and you’ll be free!
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