How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Was my ex-boyfriend a fraud?
September 9, 2020 at 2:51 pm #63858
Hi lovely people,
I came out of a relationship half a year ago and I’ve been finding it really hard to let go despite the loved ones in my life telling me he was an evil person. I struggle to accept that he was, but after some research I have been brought here. I’m going to give you all a shortened (but I imagine it will still be lengthly so I apologise) account of our relationship in the hopes that I can gain some opinions from yourselves. I would massively appreciate it. I feel crazy; nobody in my life seems to understand me or my thought process when I explain it. Was my ex-boyfriend’s “love” fraudulent?
We met on a dating app and whilst at first I wasn’t immediately attracted to him, it wasn’t far into our conversation when I thought ‘I really want to meet this person’. I guess looking back now, I was completely stupid to let him “come over” rather than take me out first, but I did. He seemed shy at first but nice and when we kissed it was like magic. I couldn’t wait to see him again. For the first month or so, he spent ridiculous money on taxis and gifts for me when he came to see me. He was tall and dark; sweet but rough around the edges, and I was infatuated. He was exactly what I wanted.
The first warning sign was when his ex called him. We were out at my mum’s house, so he said few words to her and ended the call. She kept phoning and phoning. Once we got back to my house he said he would answer to “see what she had to say”. It immediately annoyed me because I wondered why he still cared and why she still called? He put her on loudspeaker and it was pretty much back and forth name calling, she told him she’d cheated on him with this person and that person and he responded that he didn’t care because he was with me. She asked him how long and he lied and said we’d been together much longer than we had? It seemed to be to hurt her and make her think he too had cheated on her. I didn’t appreciate being used to hurt somebody like that, it all struck me as immature, and I was getting bored of the fact the call still hadn’t ended. Eventually I said “just end the call would you?”. And he did. I went to sleep without speaking to him much and he left really early in the morning which felt completely off. I texted asking why he’d left so early without many words. He said that I’d hardly spoken to him that night and made him feel like I wasn’t interested anymore. We talked through it and were fine in the end.
Knowing he didn’t have a job yet, I felt bad about all the money he was spending on getting to me so started offering him lifts instead. At first he would give me money and buy me food when we got home, but it soon ended up being free lifts from taxi Mila. I didn’t mind too much, I figured he was short on money and I was helping him out. Plus he’d made such an effort so far, I’d even made him wait much longer than I usually would for sex to ensure he was serious and he’d impressed me.
He started to accuse me of not texting him back but being ‘online’. I have been guilty of this previously so actually apologised and made an effort to stop. Yet these accusations did not. Sometimes I was certain that I hadn’t even been online. Next, he started to accuse me of being in places I don’t remember being. Apparently my snapchat location had said I was on a road I didn’t recognise. I said I hadn’t which he didn’t accept, then trying to figure out what could have caused it, mentioned that I had dropped my siblings off nearby and it could be that. He didn’t seem to believe me but we put it behind us. I invited him on a zoo trip with my little sister and he seemed really excited to go but I had a strange feeling it wouldn’t happen. Then on the day he ‘slept in’. I’m only noticing now, he didn’t seem to want to be around my family much. My stepdad’s first opinion of him was that he was a waste of space, but at the time I assumed it was just because he didn’t agree with his use of marijuana.
Finally, he told me he would have to move back to his mum’s who lived very far away as he had fallen out with his flatmate and couldn’t afford rent elsewhere. He wanted to try and make us work long-distance but I told him that his trust issues would make this impossible. He did recognise that he had issues with trust and blamed these entirely on his ex, which after the phone call I understood. Being a bloody idiot and head over heels, I told him he could move in. He was apparently over the moon and so grateful and told me it would be a just-for-now thing until he got his own place as he wanted to take us slow and make sure we work. He claimed to have never met such a kind person and to never have loved someone as much as he loved me.
At first, he was great. He did all the cleaning and a lot of the cooking and it felt amazing coming home to him everyday. This did slow down but I can admit to being a bit of an untidy person, so I started helping him out with this more and more despite the fact he didn’t have a job and was living with me for free. Now would probably be a good time to mention we had started smoking a lot together (something I don’t do now), and I believe he was funding this through dealing.
I found a letter addressed to a friend in prison stating that he was cheating on me with this same ex. Apparently, this was just him showing off and he would never. I let it go. He told me he would make it up to me but then he never did as when we went to my mum’s Halloween party, suddenly things got flipped.
One of my most favourite things in the world is fancy dress. We went into town together shopping for my outfit for Halloween. I showed him my dress in the changing room and stated I knew it was a little short (most of the outfits in there were) but I would wear shorts under the tutu. He said he thought it was okay. When we got to the party, my family members joked that it was too short and this seemed to really irritate him. I had a conversation with my mum, stepdad, and stepdad’s friends about a bit of a really silly running joke and this seemed to annoy him again. He had asked me not to leave him alone at the party and I understood it might be nerve wracking so didn’t. One of my friends was chatting to me for a very long time, giving me updates on her life and talking about her ex-boyfriends and people we both knew etc, and again he seemed to be getting bored and irritated. I held his hand and sat on his knee and stroked his head, he was acting like a toddler with his head in his hands but I tried to comfort him. Eventually my stepdad stole him away for man-time in an attempt to save him. When my friend left I attempted to get my boyfriend back but he wouldn’t come.
Long story short – we fell out on the way home and he walked off punching and kicking cars and calling my friend a ‘slag’. I lost him and didn’t know where he went. He was acting so out of character it was scary. I went back to the party and had a go at my family regarding some of the things he had told me, then he started messaging. He told me he was cheating on me with his ex and he was at her house. I had already been crying a lot as I was worried about him but receiving this news, I turned my phone off, and went to sleep out of emotional exhaustion. Silly o’clock in the morning, I woke up with this awful dread in my stomach and turned my phone on. Missed call, after text, after missed call. I told him ‘if you’re going to cheat on me I don’t care’. He accused me of sleeping with my stepdad’s friends! This is simply INSANE. He refused to ever be around my family again. Some of which I understood due to his accusations of drugs in the household but I do not know if this is true or not as it was obviously denied by my family. My own accusations of this isolated me from my family some.
When he got to my house the next day to get his things, he expected me to grovel. Apparently I had acted like a ‘slag’ all night and this was exactly why he would break up with me if I ever went on a night out into town. He hadn’t cheated on me, he said, he was just angry, but if we were going to make up I needed to make it up to him. I was so confused, how was any of the night before MY fault? I tried to argue my point but these were labelled as ‘excuses’. Somehow I ended up apologising and promising I would fix it.
He managed to land a bar job to ‘help me out’ and I think he had it maybe 3 weeks maximum. This only caused us more problems. I was picking him up and dropping him off and one time I fell asleep and didn’t wake up to fetch him. My only defence was I was working full-time and his hours differed massively to mine. I drove to him immediately and found him half the way home. He was fuming with me and this added to his mistrust. I also had issues if I did not respond to his messages immediately. This became a massive source of anxiety. Eventually he quit, I think he maybe gave me 20.00 from the whole time he worked but i didn’t push it because if I brought it up I was making him ‘feel like shit about his situation’ and I never wanted to be demeaning, I only wanted to help.
If messages didn’t go through due to signal, he would kick off. This happened when I was with my grandma and at work and people began to notice how worn out I was. Then there was a loan, I was a guarantor for at christmas time because he had no money to buy anyone presents. Why this warranted a 1000.00 loan, I have no idea but he assured me he would pay it, and worst comes to worst his dad would pay so not to worry.
I sound like a crazy person now, I’m sure, but in the mean time he was wonderful. We went on lots of little adventures together, we liked all the same things, and we had so much fun. I adored his personality, I had never met someone that I clicked with so well, and he really made me feel loved (when he wasn’t kicking off or having an episode). He filled the room with candles on valentines day and wrote me loving cards. He always told me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me. He made me feel so loved and so safe and he felt like a comfort blanket. I could look at him and list all the things I adored about him for hours. I don’t fall for people easy and don’t think I had ever been in love with someone before him (despite having enough relationship experience). He felt like my soulmate. I had never kissed someone and felt so truly connected and at one. He would always tell me that’s exactly what he felt too, without me prompting. In fact, he was the first to admit he felt this way. He told me I made him want to do better with his life and with all honesty, he was taking his future more seriously and looking for jobs. He wanted a family with me and said he wanted to repay me for everything I had done for him. My time spent with him was the absolute best and worst of my life.
But when we argued it was awful. He was convinced I was manipulative and had other motives but it just made no sense. I was supporting him. I was doing everything for him. So why would I cheat?
Finally, I had an interview for a great job at a probation service. He told me he would leave me if I took it as I was putting myself at risk (he knew bad people who went there who were apparently after him). I said I was still going to as I felt I had sacrificed too much for the relationship at this point and the control was getting too much. Plus, I was working in the office, not with the probationers. I was due to leave to see my dad who I hadn’t seen in ages and was already hours late due to the argument. I told him I would have to go as they had made food and we would talk about it when I got home. He said if I left he would for good, but I went. I never thought he would actually leave. He did. He packed all his things and left.
The next day we argued like crazy and he threatened to post sexual videos he had taken of me, listed all the things he found ugly about me, told me he would refuse to pay the loan and it was my problem now, and again stated he’d cheated on me. So I eventually messaged the girl. First she said he hadn’t. Then she said he had. I was absolutely broken. So I stopped trying. I have to admit that I slept with somebody else then. I felt so worthless and I needed to feel better, plus in my head, clearly he did not even care about me at any point. He posted a letter through my door with an apology and even sent me a message through my bank in order to get hold of me. He gave me passwords to his accounts and told me that his ex had messaged him and he had told her what to say because he was mad. He said he understood he had ruined it now but truly loved me and asked to at least say goodbye. He deleted the private things I had sent him before my eyes when he came over so that I knew he would never do it and we both cried and cried. He told me he knew it was all his fault and he felt like he had problems with his head. I didn’t want him to leave but he left for his mum’s that night.
Fast forward, we got back together. We were seeing each other long distance and after a few arguments about my not FaceTiming him enough (my mum was going through a break up and I needed to be there for her), he admitted his trust issues were ruining us. He stopped being so controlling and he was doing so well. Then he came to stay for the weekend and it was perfect. He asked me if I had spoken to anybody else whilst we were split and I halted. I couldn’t even bring myself to have sex with him knowing that I had, I felt so GUILTY. I’d have never have done it if I didn’t think he’d done what he said. But I LIED. I knew I would have to tell him eventually but I couldn’t bring myself to ruin the weekend at that moment. It was so wrong of me and I’ve been kicking myself ever since. That night he had a feeling, and asked for my passwords. I handed them over knowing I had nothing to hide.
He found the blocked person and messaged him. He also found 2 other blocked people from the December before. I hadn’t cheated with them but they were blocked because I had been messaged by them and didn’t want him to go crazy at me. I thought I was doing what he would’ve wanted. Anyway, he was convinced then that the whole time he’d been right not to trust me. I’d only reinforced his previous behaviour when all I ever wanted to do was help. I understand it’s partly my fault for lying but I was GOING to tell him. The guilt is absolutely eating me up. He did stop paying the loan and I have had to pay for it now. He called my work attempting to get me the sack. He messaged my friends trying to ruin my friendships. And there was nothing I could do.
I’m so confused. I can’t connect the beautiful, kind, loving boy he was to this insane person. I can’t imagine him to be evil. I wish I could describe how lovely he was well enough. He was so kind and just wonderful. I loved him like a mother would his son and the love ALWAYS felt reciprocated except on these random episodes he would have. What was I dealing with? A master manipulator? An insecure young boy? Or maybe some underlying personality disorder? Or is this even my fault for the lie I told??
September 9, 2020 at 4:29 pm #63861
I’m sorry you are going through this. Good for you for breaking up and staying away from him! He is obviously not a good person. All you can do with someone like that is leave them and stay away forever.
And continue more reading on this site and other websites about abusive personality types (cluster B, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, love bombing, soulmate feeling, “idealize, devalue, discard” etc) so you learn to recognize these types early on in the future! So this does not happen to you again.
When you say “I can’t connect the beautiful, kind, loving boy he was to this insane person” – yes that is what everyone goes through and that is so confusing for women. But think about it logically. If an abusive, lying, cheating, aggressive guy presents himself from the beginning to you as his real self, would you ever date him? Would you ever trust him? Would you ever give him money or gifts or favors or let him move in? NO of course you wouldn’t!
The ONLY reason these bad types get away with abusing/using people is precisely BECAUSE they put up an initial front of being a wonderful loving generous dream guy! Your soulmate! Your Prince Charming! They have to wear that mask and put up that charming amazing love front to be able to get to you, to draw you in, to use you. They cannot show their true colors in the beginning because then they would not be able to trick their victims into loving them, trusting them, giving them money etc.
So leave him in the past, learn from your experience, read up online on the signs that are red flags for this personality type (love bombing, mirroring, excessive gifts/attention/favors/trips, just over the top expressions of love, soulmate feeling, moving relationship forward quickly) so that next time in dating you will recognize when a guy is using those techniques to draw you in. So this doesn’t happen to you again!
September 11, 2020 at 12:24 pm #63868Donna AndersenKeymaster
milamary – what you are describing is typical sociopathic behavior. The guy is disordered. The lovely boy you met in the beginning was a charade designed to reel you in. The blaming, cheating liar is the real person. I know it’s hard to come to grips with all of this. We have lots of information here on Lovefraud to help you.
Get rid of him, and stay away from him. He will never change. And he will never be the man you deserve.
September 11, 2020 at 4:13 pm #63871
Many thanks Sept4 and Donna for your responses!
I have never come across somebody such as this before, at first I put it down to immaturity but he was simply impossible! It always seemed to be me fixing things despite the fact it was his behaviours that were wrong. He would tell me I could never accept my wrongdoings yet throughout the relationship all I did was apologise, and I didn’t even understand how or why. He even told me I never remembered things correctly and it made me question my own sanity at some points.
I’m starting to see that you are both right. Thinking back, he never had much empathy for me, yet I had bucketfuls for him and his situation. It’s just overwhelmingly sad as I still consider him my first ever real love. I thought I had something missing until I met him as I’d never connected properly before. It gives little hope for any future romance.
September 11, 2020 at 5:00 pm #63872
“He even told me I never remembered things correctly and it made me question my own sanity at some points.”
Yes this is a common technique abusive people use. It’s called “gaslighting.” If you google that you’ll find plenty of examples of people with personality disorders who use that technique to control and abuse their victims.
And don’t lose hope for future romance! There ARE good men out there who have good character and who will love you in a genuine way!
What you must do is study the red flag warning signs of the bad personality types and early signs of emotional abuse. That way you can weed these bad guys out quickly in the beginning before you fall in love.
September 12, 2020 at 9:48 am #63874Donna AndersenKeymaster
milamary – although his love was fake, yours was real. You can definitely find love again. The way to do it is to work on your own emotional recovery. Sociopaths target our vulnerabilities. So the best thing we can do is uncover our own vulnerabilities and heal them. Or, at least be aware of them. We all have vulnerabilities – it’s part of being human. But we need to recognize when someone is trying to exploit them.
We have lots of information here on Lovefraud. You might be interested in my “Best of the Blog” series of books – lots of great explanations and examples. Click the Bookstore in the red menu bar at the top of the page.
September 12, 2020 at 3:06 pm #63876
Yes good point! In my case my vulnerabilities were:
2) looking for love
3) new city away from family and friends
4) naive and trusting
A perfect target for a love fraud! All my ex had to do was give me companionship and “love.”
And it was very favorable for him that I was away from my support network of family and friends. Because sometimes your loved ones will catch on to the con faster than you do. And they might’ve sounded some warning bells to protect you.
September 16, 2020 at 11:27 am #63899
If I’m honest, I have a complicated relationship with my mum and found she was very weak and put men before me and my siblings whether they treated her nicely or not. She was always dependent on a man for validation and even has some narcissistic qualities. I think this may play a part in how I’ve managed to fall into a similar position. I did not even realise I had mirrored her until my dad mentioned it to me, before now I would have been angry that he even suggested it but some realisations and home truths are falling into place now. That all started here, so thank you both!
A lot of the above does ring true! Like Sept4, I too was lonely, fairly isolated, and overly empathetic. I don’t know if alongside reading up about sociopaths on LoveFraud.com to avoid this happening again, some counselling might help to get to the root of the vulnerabilities…
September 16, 2020 at 1:15 pm #63900
Mila yes counseling can be very helpful!
When selecting a counselor just make sure to ask if they have experience with cluster B personality disorders and emotionally abusive relationships.
I did two rounds of counseling, one during my breakup/divorce and another round years later when I was experiencing lingering emotional damage and PTSD symptoms.
My first counselor didn’t know much about personality disorders so initially he treated my situation as a regular breakup. But of course it was a very different dynamic than normal relationship issues between normal people. Eventually he did come to understand that but it would have been more helpful if I had selected a counselor from the start who had experience with cluster B personality disorders.
September 16, 2020 at 3:40 pm #63901
Oh and just as a reminder. Counseling only works for yourself, as a victim of emotional abuse and victim of a cluster B personality disordered person.
Counseling does NOT work for the sociopath himself. He will just lie to the counselor and will never change and never heal. They are a lost cause so focus only on yourself.
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