Few, if any, walk away from their experiences with psychopaths completely unscathed. They may leave us bankrupt, homeless, or destitute. They may feign victimization, as they continue to wage their assaults, further insulting what we actually endured at their hands. Their thirst for destruction may be almost insatiable when it comes to us.
Those are just the tangible losses. Let us give equal time to the emotional confusion and trauma. Many of us suffer from PTSD, depression, or serious physical medical concerns, as a result. Living through experiences with psychopaths, or those with such features, is an incredible feat.
While we tend to focus on the negative consequences, we should also take time to examine the positive ones. It’s important! Here’s why….
Defeated? Don’t answer yet
Human nature and our culture tend to leave us concentrating on what we do not have. If a psychopath enters our world and then exits, leaving us in turmoil, we think this is a bad thing. We mourn our losses, feel bad, and wish things were different.
This is normal. Typically, we don’t enter relationships to leave them. However, when these folks touch our worlds, no good can come of the connections. As a result, as we progress through our journeys, we can come to learn that we have actually been given second chances by their departures.
The little things that are not so little
For example, from the day the person I learned my life lessons from entered my world, I spent a lot of time sick. I am not talking about major issues. Mainly, I experienced lingering colds, strep throat, unexplained fevers, bronchitis, pneumonia, and the like.
It seemed that I visited my doctor frequently for minor, but legitimate, concerns that needed some level of attention. Almost a year and a half ago now, I saw my doctor for a regular check up. She told me that she was surprised to see me. She assumed I had left and gone elsewhere.
I must have looked at her strangely, because she backtracked, explaining that she only mentioned that because she had neither seen nor heard from me in that time. I thought for a moment. It was true. I had not been sick at all.
Similarly, several years ago, my dentist advised that I should sleep with a mouth guard. Apparently, I was grinding my teeth fairly seriously. I recall waking many mornings with my teeth clenched shut. I remember trying to convince myself, while half awake, to unclench my jaw, but could not. I had to fully awaken first and consciously force myself to separate my teeth. The result, serious headaches that sometimes last lasted for days.
Last year, even at the height of two separate court battles, the same dentist indicated to me that he could tell the grinding had stopped. So, what does this indicate? These individuals bring undue harm. Their departures, even if only partial, can change us for the better.
One day at a time
I am not saying that all of the bad magically disappears one day. We may carry many of the scars for years or even for life. However, we can re-emerge with the help of our attitudes and awareness. Even if they persist and seem truly unable to move on, we can work toward freeing ourselves from the burdens. They no longer have to matter to us. It takes time and can be very difficult, but know that it is possible. Once, we invested in relationships that were destined to fail. Now, we can concentrate on rebuilding ourselves successfully. It truly is an example of gain, diguised as loss.
My wife has some of the symtoms mentioned above. grinding of teeth at night, headaches, now costochondritis in her ribs, trouble sleeping especially after she left the bastard.
she gets it. in her head. her heart and soul? i think not so much. she told me last night that she loves me but she isnt feeling much these days. I think she is hiding from the pain she has inside after taking a giant crap on the person who stood by her for over half her life. and then crawling back to collect him after finding the grass isnt really greener on the neighbors side. i think she would like to put our marriage back together but the looming prospect of going back and emotionally unraveling this is more than she can bear at this point.
she is an empath. you can see it in her from any angle. she feels others emotions. she can read you like a book unless your an spath. or if your rare enough to be someone she has hurt. then she is confused.
she couldnt read her spath. not 35 years ago when he used her in high school like a vaginal doormat, nor recently when after watching her for ten years and inserting doubt in her marriage, planting doubt in her husbands mind with sick games etc. and again using her for a doormat. turning her family against her and using the people she loves as pawns to force her to his will.(fail)
last night i burned the copies of the sick letters he sent her trying to pry us apart. i had kept them only for legal purposes because i know after he gets out of prison he will come back and harrass us some more. she left him on her terms and you folks here know what that means.i spoke with his parole officer and he said the copies he had in his file would be with him for life, we could access them at any time, and for me to “have a nice bonfire”. i really thought it would feel different than it did though. it felt really good to watch them go up in flames one by one, but it wasnt quite the release i was looking for.
i still miss the closeness we had and how we’d touch and kiss. i know she has work to do. i just think she is afraid and is not accustomed to facing fear head on. she seems to think that therapy is a waste of time and would rather forget the whole thing. this leaves me with the prospect of a dry, dessert of a marriage devoid of the emotional closeness i once knew with her.
i wish she knew how much of her affairs good parts were really her. i think it was all her. everything good was her.
i have forgiven her. i wish she would forgive herself. but i think she will have to face some ugly before she can do that.
I wish those of you on this blog who are trying to repair a marriage after an entanglement with an spath could relay to me some kind of advise as to how i might somehow create an environment in which she had better odds of facing this. i know it is her work, and she and only she can do it. i just want to be the best man i can.
rgc
Linda,
Thanks for picking me up – just when I really needed to hear this. Spath Keith molested my daughter and his adopted daughter! She’s turned 21 and he told her he sees no reason to feel bad about molesting her – he can’t change the past and she must just move on. He was her daddy for 19 years and his kids are supposed to be her brother and sister. But they too have been manipulated by him and told umpteen lies about me- lies they choose to believe.
But, I am lucky that my children and I have a 2nd chance,; that I have a better chance of rearing my 7-yr old son without Spath’s daily interferrence.
Linda, thank you for your insightful and encouraging article. The losses and grief are real, absolutely. But, my losses and grief don’t have to define who I am.
I don’t care how crazy it sounds, but I”ve learned so much more about myself as a result of my experiences than I ever could have imagined to be possible. And, I continue to learn – about myself. Thank you so much for this timely article.
Rgc, that you want to “just be the best man” that you can be is going to require surrender. And, the focus upon your wife’s pain and recovery is a “normal” human reaction – it’s much less painful to focus on someone else’s issues than our own. And, it feeds the Codependent Monkey – if my spouse recognizes how supportive and encouraging I am, they won’t be compelled to look for greener pastures. I am very, very familiar with this flawed system of beliefs.
Shell, take that second chance and run with it. We cannot control what other people choose to believe, and I had been experiencing self-induced angst about this simple fact, myself. Moving forward through each day isn’t always pleasant, but I’m moving forward. And, you are, too. If you are safe, secure, and No Contact with the spath, Life Is Good.
The truth of the matter is that, once we are cognizant of our status and what we’re dealing with, we have very clear choices. Most of those options are not simple, easy, or comfortable. Nearly all of my options have been the lesser of two evils, and thoroughly uncomfortable.
But, I’ve made the choice to end something that could never be healed by medication, therapy, surgery, or spiritual epiphany. The disease was incurable and the only option that made sense for me was to end it, regardless of my personal losses.
And, I’m almost feeling the tingle of independence – personal independence and self-reliance. It’s skeery, it sure is, but it’s also kind of exciting. At some point, I’m going to actually feel excitement and accomplishment and that will be the day that I can shout, “CHECKMATE! I WIN!”
Brightest blessings
RCG,
I’ve been on LF since 2007, not many days have gone by that I have not been on this blog, at least reading.. I used to cry reading the blogs, cry in empathy for the pain of the person posting. I seldom “break down and cry” after reading a post, but your post did make me just “break down and cry.” The Pain that you expressed so well must be overwhelming to you.
YOUR pain at the devastation done by the psychopath to someone else…the pain that overflows into your heart from watching someone you love hurt.
I see that kind of pain in the posts of mothers whose kids have to deal with the psychopath because of the courts giving them “equal parenting” time.
First, You, just being a man, are somewhat of a rarity here on LoveFraud, but being the husband of a woman who has had an affair with a psychopath who is trying to help her put her life back together, to help the two of you put your marriage back together…I don’t know of anyone else here on LF who shares your particular situation.
When I came to LF I had fairly well gotten over the relationship with the psychopath BF I had after my husband died, but the relationship with my psychopathic son and the other psychopaths or dysfunctional people in my life/family was very on-going at the time I found LF.
While learning about psychopaths is a good thing, for ANYONE, it is especially Good for those who have had an encounter with one that was “serious.” You sure qualify for that.
While I “see” from your posts that you are trying to “get healthy” I also hear in them that your wife just wants to “forget” the whole thing.
I was raised in a family of “forgetters” and that was our family motto it seemed, “let’s just pretend none of this happened.”
Well, there are some things you just CAN’T forget about. Can’t PRETEND THAT IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.
You said your wife “thinks that therapy is a waste of time.” I think that is not what she THINKS but what she FEELS…because she is AFRAID of the “can of worms” that might be opened up if she were to allow that to happen.
People who are “pretenders” or “forgetters” were raised in situations where there were Family “secrets” to protect, and where the person who exposed the family secrets was punished for “upsetting” the family. It goes back to childhood in most cases.
It is beyond the power of a human to heal the emotional pain of another human no matter how much we love them. Your wife as you know must heal herself. Before she CAN heal herself she must (like in AA) admit she has a problem.
One of my “favorite sayings” about The LF learning curve is that it STARTS off about T?HM, but ends up being about US. Our own need to change what made us vulnerable to them.
I strongly suggest that you get the book “Man’s search for Meaning” by Dr. Viktor Frankl, the best place to get it is off Amazon dot com used books. It will only be a couple of bucks.
I can’t remember if you have gone to therapy or not, but I STRONGLY suggest that YOU go to therapy for helping you get to the bottom of why you are where you are now. You can’t help your wife until you are strong yourself.
I imagine you burning those letters, just as I burned the murdering man who took away the little boy I loved so much…Patrick murdered the parts of himself that I loved so much when he killed Jessica. I realize that no one can keep their babies as babies, our children grow up, but I also realize that the man my baby morphed into is not anyone I know, he is a total stranger to me. My baby is gone. My baby is dead. I buried him in a little private memorial ceremony just like a mother whose baby had been murdered by a P monster. It is only that my own son was murdered by himself. (if that makes any sense)
I hope RCG that you will get some therapy so that you can deal with your wife’s pain in a way that is healthy for YOU. You deserve to be healthy and I hope that you will make that choice to take care of yourself. Maybe your wife will see that improvement in you and decide to help herself. God bless you. You are one in a million. One in a BILLION.
thanks oxy.
i have been to therapy and will continue.
I agree with rgc and his pain. But, maybe she deals with things differently than you. I could understand if she was beaten and raped and lived with the guy. But I don’t think that is the case. She sounds like a strong woman who wants to get on with life and not use this valueble time stressing about the past. I went through this, and don’t want my life centered around my past and use my life trying to figure it out! I am much better with my husband now if we just love each other, physically or just a touch knowing we are there for each other. I once felt so drained and it’s clearing up for us now, cause we work on us. Sorry for you rgc, give her time.
it feels like she is afraid of me. like a kiss is a trigger that reminds her of the past. she’s in it for a minute, then she ‘s not. i’m not judging her outwardly. if she’s in it, i recognize her. when she’s not, i dont know who she is. also she talks about working on us, but doesnt seem interested in actually doing it.
rgc
Rgc, there’s a lot of deflection and avoidance going on, it seems. Perhaps, she has no interest in repairing the marriage, at all. How long has it been since this she took up with the spath, and how long has it been since you’ve been back together?
Have you considered a temporary physical separation, at all? The reason that I ask is that it doesn’t sound as if there is true communication taking place. It might be helpful for you, specifically, to have time and space to clear your head and place the responsibility of her healing in her own hands.
Yes, it hurts to see someone that we love in pain, but we can’t take that pain away for them, nor can we feel that pain for them. You’re shouldering the responsibility for her healing, and she’s allowing you to do it. This is what I’m reading from your posts.
Brightest blessings
I was saddened to hear of the “funeral pyre,” Rgc, as well – but, it is one heck of a cathartic decision. Was your wife involved in the process, as well?
I’ve been burning things for the past couple of days – literally. Paintings, hats, clothing, anything that has the exspath’s handwriting on it………and, it’s very, very liberating to me.
RCG, her not being able to face the past, I think is her not being able to actually work on the marriage relationship in the future.
My own family way of dealing with things (dysfunctional) was to pretend they didn’t happen.
For example, let’s say I got mad at you and burned down your house. Then I said, “I’m sorry RCG, I was mad/sad (or whatever) when I burned down the house but lets be married again”
Then I expected to move back into your new house and never again refer to the past arson, or why I did it, or that it might happen again.
Your wife’s affair is similar I think to burning down your “house” and now she isn’t willing to work to put up bricks and boards to build a new one, just expects you to live in the rubble of the old one with her.
I’m not sure what her “reason” is for not going to therapy, or why she doesn’t want you to touch her, but whatever it is, it isn’t a healthy relationship with you.
You (and she) can’t continue to live in that burned out rubble of a marriage and build a new marriage until the rubble is cleared out. I hope that she will help herself and help you, but at some point you have got to decide if you want to stay in that burned out rubble or to move on into something that is more healthy.
It is a shame that she doesn’t seem to appreciate the chance she has to rebuild a marriage, but just loving someone on our part, doesn’t mean that they can receive the love in a healthy manner. God bless. RCG. ((hugs)))