Few, if any, walk away from their experiences with psychopaths completely unscathed. They may leave us bankrupt, homeless, or destitute. They may feign victimization, as they continue to wage their assaults, further insulting what we actually endured at their hands. Their thirst for destruction may be almost insatiable when it comes to us.
Those are just the tangible losses. Let us give equal time to the emotional confusion and trauma. Many of us suffer from PTSD, depression, or serious physical medical concerns, as a result. Living through experiences with psychopaths, or those with such features, is an incredible feat.
While we tend to focus on the negative consequences, we should also take time to examine the positive ones. It’s important! Here’s why….
Defeated? Don’t answer yet
Human nature and our culture tend to leave us concentrating on what we do not have. If a psychopath enters our world and then exits, leaving us in turmoil, we think this is a bad thing. We mourn our losses, feel bad, and wish things were different.
This is normal. Typically, we don’t enter relationships to leave them. However, when these folks touch our worlds, no good can come of the connections. As a result, as we progress through our journeys, we can come to learn that we have actually been given second chances by their departures.
The little things that are not so little
For example, from the day the person I learned my life lessons from entered my world, I spent a lot of time sick. I am not talking about major issues. Mainly, I experienced lingering colds, strep throat, unexplained fevers, bronchitis, pneumonia, and the like.
It seemed that I visited my doctor frequently for minor, but legitimate, concerns that needed some level of attention. Almost a year and a half ago now, I saw my doctor for a regular check up. She told me that she was surprised to see me. She assumed I had left and gone elsewhere.
I must have looked at her strangely, because she backtracked, explaining that she only mentioned that because she had neither seen nor heard from me in that time. I thought for a moment. It was true. I had not been sick at all.
Similarly, several years ago, my dentist advised that I should sleep with a mouth guard. Apparently, I was grinding my teeth fairly seriously. I recall waking many mornings with my teeth clenched shut. I remember trying to convince myself, while half awake, to unclench my jaw, but could not. I had to fully awaken first and consciously force myself to separate my teeth. The result, serious headaches that sometimes last lasted for days.
Last year, even at the height of two separate court battles, the same dentist indicated to me that he could tell the grinding had stopped. So, what does this indicate? These individuals bring undue harm. Their departures, even if only partial, can change us for the better.
One day at a time
I am not saying that all of the bad magically disappears one day. We may carry many of the scars for years or even for life. However, we can re-emerge with the help of our attitudes and awareness. Even if they persist and seem truly unable to move on, we can work toward freeing ourselves from the burdens. They no longer have to matter to us. It takes time and can be very difficult, but know that it is possible. Once, we invested in relationships that were destined to fail. Now, we can concentrate on rebuilding ourselves successfully. It truly is an example of gain, diguised as loss.
rgc112063
She has also indicated to me several things that trouble me.
she feels like she does not deserve me.
she has become extremely repulsed by any thoughts of enjoying anything with him. especially intimacy.
shane
Hi rgc,
You deserve to be loved whole heartedly. Although your wife is, as you say, a good person who had been swayed by a P, it seems as though you are hanging on by a mere thread, to something that is hopeless, if she is not willing to invest in the two of you, as a unit. You project such beautiful, human, loving, compassionate qualities and personal traits. Love yourself enough to do for YOU, too. Much love ~ Shane
Ox Drover
RCG
QUOTE FROM YOUR ABOVE POST:
a letter i wrote for her but didn’t show her that reflects how she might feel after discovering ALL the truth and REALLY having a grip.
A LETTER THAT YOU WROTE. Reading her mind.
I’m a bit along with what shane said above about you trying to fix your marriage and fix this woman who has (A) been injured in some way, needy in some nor she would not have had the affair in the first place (B) who is now injured more deeply by having had this affair and (c) [what I am “hearing” in your posts] is that she is not much interested in therapy (“a waste of time”) and not much interested in a physical relationship with you etc.
So, boiling down what you have is that YOU are in a loveless, passionless marriage with a woman who cheated on you and came back, but apparently just wants to live in the same house with you and YOU ARE HURTING DEEPLY BECAUSE YOU WANT TO FIX THE MARRIAGE AND SHE DOESN’T WANT TO COOPERATE IN DOING THAT.
RCG, I think the problem, YOUR PROBLEM, is that YOU need to get into therapy to see if there is any hope in this marriage, or just how long you are going to put up with living in a loveless marriage (loveless on her side)
God bless and give you strength and wisdom is my prayer.
kim frederick
Oxy, I agree. Why are you writing HER letter, RCG? Why are YOU expressing HER thoughts and feelings? As if You even COULD know them, why would you assume you had a RIGHT to express them?
Why don’t you write your own letter. First to spath and then to your wife….you never have to show either of them what you’ve written, just do it as an excersice in getting in touch with YOURSELF< YOUR HURT YOURS> NOT HERS>
I think you are doing a lot of assuming….maybe because your wife has blocked you from knowing what is going on with her. She has that right. But, it also indicates that she is not willing to share any emotional intimacy with you, at this time.
You have every right to protect your heart from anymore hurt, and frustration. This is about what’s best for you. If you feel that what is best for you is to seperate, then do it.
It doesn’t matter what she wants. I think she wants to manipulate you, keep you off balance, and hungry….she wants you to SEEK her. This keeps her in control.
As one of our readers would say, “psssssssssstttt.” With a wave of the hand.
rgc112063
i know i just wasted a bunch of my time with that huh? wrote it about 6 months ago. i’m glad you all have the sand to get all over me about it. might be what i need, or part of it.
thanks all!
rgc
rgc112063
this is kinda what i want in a relationship. i thought we had this.
In a long term relationship
you have the inalienable right
. . .
1. To Be Judged And Treated According
To Your Own Words And Actions, not
on the words and actions of the other douchebags,
bitches or dorks your partner
may have dated in the past.
Just because your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend
cheated on him with the entire
college football team doesn’t mean your
boyfriend can keep you locked in
the closet every Sunday and
prevent you from watching ESPN 2.
2. To Be Told The Absolute Truth
About The Important Things (And To
Be Lied To About The Stupid Stuff.)
society is predicated on not
ALWAYS saying exactly
what’s on our mind.
In a relationship you have
a right to be told the absolute truth
about . . .
Fidelity and cheating.
Sexual fantasies.
The state of your finances.
Whether your partner wants kids.
What really happened to the dog.
Whether your partner is happy.
What your partner wants for
the future.
Whether your partner loves you
or not.
If your partner and that guy
with the jutting chin are actually
“Just friends” or not.
And other earth-quaking,
relationship shattering
stuff.
You have the right to be LIED
to about stupid stuff like . . .
“What are you thinking about RIGHT
NOW?” (You don’t always want
to know.)
“Do I look fat in this?” (Seriously,
people ask that?)
And other minor pieces of
BS.
You also have the right to a partner
who understands the actual
difference between minor
BS and important stuff.
3. To HaveYour Partner Be In Your
Corner And
Take Your Side In A Fight,
Even If They Think You’re
Totally Wrong.
If you come home crying about
how your boss is a raving asshole,
your partner should just agree. “Yup, he’s
an asshole.” No ifs, ands or buts.
4. To Forgiveness And
To Be Accepted For The Flawed
Human Being You Are.
In a long term relationship
you’re going to do things
to piss your partner off
(and they’re going to do
things to make you pull
your hair out and plot their
murder.)
Nobody is perfect Humans are flawed.
We all do stupid
stuff.
You have a right to be forgiven by
your partner as quickly
and as completely as possible (or
not at all.)
If there’s something you’ve
done that your partner simply
can not and will not ever
forgive you for no matter
what you do or how hard they
try, you have the right to be told that
so you can make a tough but
Necessary decision.
5. To A Partner Who Encourages
You To Be The Best You Can Be,
Who Accepts That You’ll Evolve
Over The Years, Who Doesn’t Try To Change
Who You Are.
We are all moths becoming butterflies
becoming dragons. You have a right
to a partner who loves the “Good”
about you, accepts the “Bad” and
celebrates the you they haven’t
met yet.
6. To Regular, Eager
Nonjudgemental And Enthusiastic Sex.
You have the right to a partner who
lusts after you, lets you know you’re sexy,
is interested in your pleasure, accepts
even your weirdest kinks and fantasies
and at least occasionally worships
your body and makes you feel
like the hottest man or woman
on the planet.
7. To Independence, Friendship And Privacy
You have the right to your own private
space, your own private thoughts, your
own private things, your own private
life.
You have the right to pursue your
passions, to be friends with whoever
you damn well want and to
have parts of your life that have
absolutely nothing to do with
your partner.
You are independent planets
who choose to be in orbit. A partner
who tries to control you should
be thrown into the sun.
8. To Be One Of Your Partner’s Top 3 Priorities At
Any Given Time
You have a right to a partner who drops everything
for you in a crisis, who thinks about you when
you’re not around, who celebrates you, encourages
you and does random stuff for you at least
sometimes without you even asking for it.
Yes, other stuff (and other people) are going
to take priority sometimes. (It’s life.)
That’s totally cool. But you should always
be in the top 3.
9. To A Partner Who Sticks By You On
The Bad Days, Months And Years And
Helps You Get Back To The Good
There are days you’ll wake up miserable.
There are weeks life kicks you in the balls.
There are years the whole damn world feels
like it’s going to fall apart.
You have a right to a partner who lets
you cry on their shoulder. Who tells
you it’s going to be OK even when it’s not
and who realized one bad day (or one
bad fight) doesn’t mean your
relationship is over.
10. You Have The Right To Be With Someone
Who Loves You.
You have the right to be with someone who
celebrates you and never puts you down.
You have the right to be with someone who
can deliver criticism with a kiss instead
of a slap.
You have a right to feel safe in his arms
and adored in her embrace.
Ox Drover
RCG, sounds like she isn’t given you any of those things.
I can’t remember who said this, so if anyone else remembers please let me know.
But the PERSON WHO LOVES THE LEAST CONTROLS THE RELATIONSHIP.
You obviously love your wife very much, but SHE is in CONTROL of your relationship. She calls the shots and you are begging for more from her and she is unwilling or unable to give it to you at this time.
Will she EVER be willing to have a real and honest and loving and caring relationship with you?
I can’t answer that question, only she can…but at some point you have a limited number of choices.
1. Stay with her like things are
2. Decide staying with her like things are is not going to work for you—and get out.
Maybe by magic she is going to change….but I doubt it.
I spent 20+ years believing in MAGIC for my son….it didn’t work. He is still what he is.
I spent 8 months believing that a cheating, lying drunk who had cheated on his wife for 32 years was going to be faithful to me and love me and we could finish growing old together…and I wouldn’t have to be alone. That didn’t work either.
I spent 60 years thinking my mother loved me, only to find out that she is nothing but my egg donor, not a “mother” at all. I am just a role player in her drama rama of “let’s pretend we are a nice normal family” I quit the play and refuse to live by that script.
Your wife had this affair with this man because there was something lacking in your relationship. There was something she wanted that he offered. (or she thought he did at the time) She found out that he wasn’t what she thought he was, but she is apparently not grateful that you stood behind her and didn’t toss her arse to the curb….YOU still want a relationship with her, but from what I gather from what you say…she doesn’t, OR SHE WOULDN’T TREAT YOU LIKE THAT.
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHAT THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM! She is showing you that the relationship with you, a REAL relationship, is not important to her. THAT’S MY OPINION….TAKE IT FOR WHAT IT IS WORTH.
I’ve been on LF since 2007 and I’ve seen lots of people come and go, people who went back to people who beat them, cheated on them, etc. and then got out eventually, and others who apparently never got out….or ones that went on to relationships with another psychopath after the first one because they didn’t do PHASE TWO…OF THE HEALING PROCESS, WHICH IS WORKING ON OURSELVES. Good luck RCG and God bless.
rgc112063
useless 2010
you sound peculularly like my wife. yes it would be nice if we could work on “us” yeah, id be all over that. in fact you’d probably have to restrain me a little as i would be all too eager. but she “says” she wants to work on us and then does nothing, says nothing, offers nothing. indeed work on us involves us, thats supposed to be both of us. maybe i, in the past, by not being a particularly good listener, or by giving critisizm to harshly, or by somehow making her feel judged, made her emotionally inaccessible or something. but, thats tuff crap now. i have changed so much of myself and i’m going to keep doing it for ME.its time for her to grow up and show herself how strong she is and DEAL with what she has allowed to happen. the overlying thing here is that SHE got into this. i think it is SHE who needs to either go through the nescessary therapy to discover her self and thus truly heal and make HERSELF available to a mutually nurturing healthy relationship or quit cruelly wasting my time.
this abberation of humanity is going to be out in one year and i will be damned if i deserve to watch as she falls for his fake crap like i had to so many times before. she at least owes me that much. hell for all i know, she had him put away knowing she couldnt stop herself. thats the easy way out. what these good people here know is how to RECOVER. i dont know if your husband had to watch you fail over and over again, or hear you tell your spath boy how much you love him, or that one day by christ even in death you would be with him or that his better than average manhood diddnt stack up to mr sun shining out his ass. but I DID! time for her to grow up. i respect your actions in that i guess they work for you two.
rgc
Radar_On
rgc112063, you said: “yes, it would be nice if we could work on “us” yeah, id be all over that. in fact you’d probably have to restrain me a little as i would be all too eager. but she “says” she wants to work on us and then does nothing, says nothing, offers nothing. indeed work on us involves us, thats supposed to be both of us.” This statement stood out for me……Don’t know how long you and your wife have been going back and forth with this, however if SHE doesn’t have the inclination to work on your marriage, well then……my advice to you is SET A “TIME” BOUNDARY for yourself! Determine how much more time you may be willing to invest in this relationship with your “wife”. Sounds to me you are also the “co-dependent” here, as well as the victimized…as well. Have YOU not suffered as a result of your wife’s affair? I think you have. Ask yourself HOW MUCH LONGER?????????? Best wishes to you in your recovering, as well as your wife’s. BUT……..if she doesn’t want to work it out with you, that IS HER CHOICE. Remember, RGC112063, NEVER SURRENDER MORE THAN YOU ARE WILLING TO LOSE! Best wishes to you!
Radar_On
This is from an old Michael Bolton song, titled: “When I’m Back on My Feet Again” Gonna break these chains around me
Gonna learn to fly again
May be hard, may be hard
But I’ll do it
When I’m back on my feet again
Soon these tears will all be dryin’
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Might take time, might take time
But I’ll see it
When I’m back on my feet again When I’m back on my feet again
I’ll walk proud down this street again
And they’ll all look at me again
And they’ll see that I’m strong
Gonna hear the children laughing
Gonna hear the voices sing
Won’t be long, won’t be long
Till I hear them
When I’m back on my feet again Gonna feel the sweet light of heaven
Shining down it’s light on me
One sweet day, one sweet day
I will feel it
When I’m back on my feet again And I’m not gonna crawl again
I will learn to stand tall again
No I’m not gonna fall again
Cos I’ll learn to be strong AGAIN!!!! 🙂 YES! 🙂