Few, if any, walk away from their experiences with psychopaths completely unscathed. They may leave us bankrupt, homeless, or destitute. They may feign victimization, as they continue to wage their assaults, further insulting what we actually endured at their hands. Their thirst for destruction may be almost insatiable when it comes to us.
Those are just the tangible losses. Let us give equal time to the emotional confusion and trauma. Many of us suffer from PTSD, depression, or serious physical medical concerns, as a result. Living through experiences with psychopaths, or those with such features, is an incredible feat.
While we tend to focus on the negative consequences, we should also take time to examine the positive ones. It’s important! Here’s why….
Defeated? Don’t answer yet
Human nature and our culture tend to leave us concentrating on what we do not have. If a psychopath enters our world and then exits, leaving us in turmoil, we think this is a bad thing. We mourn our losses, feel bad, and wish things were different.
This is normal. Typically, we don’t enter relationships to leave them. However, when these folks touch our worlds, no good can come of the connections. As a result, as we progress through our journeys, we can come to learn that we have actually been given second chances by their departures.
The little things that are not so little
For example, from the day the person I learned my life lessons from entered my world, I spent a lot of time sick. I am not talking about major issues. Mainly, I experienced lingering colds, strep throat, unexplained fevers, bronchitis, pneumonia, and the like.
It seemed that I visited my doctor frequently for minor, but legitimate, concerns that needed some level of attention. Almost a year and a half ago now, I saw my doctor for a regular check up. She told me that she was surprised to see me. She assumed I had left and gone elsewhere.
I must have looked at her strangely, because she backtracked, explaining that she only mentioned that because she had neither seen nor heard from me in that time. I thought for a moment. It was true. I had not been sick at all.
Similarly, several years ago, my dentist advised that I should sleep with a mouth guard. Apparently, I was grinding my teeth fairly seriously. I recall waking many mornings with my teeth clenched shut. I remember trying to convince myself, while half awake, to unclench my jaw, but could not. I had to fully awaken first and consciously force myself to separate my teeth. The result, serious headaches that sometimes last lasted for days.
Last year, even at the height of two separate court battles, the same dentist indicated to me that he could tell the grinding had stopped. So, what does this indicate? These individuals bring undue harm. Their departures, even if only partial, can change us for the better.
One day at a time
I am not saying that all of the bad magically disappears one day. We may carry many of the scars for years or even for life. However, we can re-emerge with the help of our attitudes and awareness. Even if they persist and seem truly unable to move on, we can work toward freeing ourselves from the burdens. They no longer have to matter to us. It takes time and can be very difficult, but know that it is possible. Once, we invested in relationships that were destined to fail. Now, we can concentrate on rebuilding ourselves successfully. It truly is an example of gain, diguised as loss.
Rgc, dear heart…..I’m reading all of this and I’m seeing someone who is desperately gripping onto something that may not have been as healthy and loving as you believed it was, even before the spath.
That you wrote a letter on her behalf to outline the spath’s sins is what you should be doing for yourself with your wife. Yes, people fall into complacency and stop “hearing” what their partner is saying, quite often. Yes, people also fall into a habit of of delivering harsh criticism over time – sometimes, we get into a pattern where WE are not heard, and the only way to get someone’s attention is to become harsh with them. Having said that, DON’T YOU DARE shoulder the blame for your wife’s choices!! And, yes – my caps should be interpreted as online shouting. Don’t you DARE allow yourself to start playing that game, again.
This is now about you, Rgc. This is now about how you will choose to live the rest of your life. You have crystal clear choices before you – none of them may be comfortable to you, and I completely (REALLY) understand this. So, now it comes down to it: what are you going to do for RGC?!?! What are your options, and what are the most reasonalbe, sound, and pragmatic ones available? Now, read this clearly: your options may “feel” uncomfortable, painful, or damning, but they remain options, nevertheless. Not all choices are going to be easy and painless.
Get angry, Rgc. Get outraged. Get proactive where YOU are concerned. Do you really believe that you deserve to sit, wait, and grind your teeth until next September when the maggot is released? Do you really believe that you deserve to WONDER, day after day, whether or not your wife is simply remaining with what is “familiar” because she made a gross error in her personal judgement? Doesn’t Rgc deserve to live a happy, contented life? Dammit, Rgc, what about YOU!?
Okie dokie…..rant over
Brightest and most sincere blessings
Truthspeak, all I can say to your post above is….RIGHT ON, RIGHT ON, RIGHT ON!!!!!!!! To RGC……..DO NOT PERMIT……let me repeat that for clarity, DO….. NOT….. PERMIT…..yourself to be a victim of that spath, as well……………………………………Best to you, RGC! 🙂
I agree with truthspeaks.. RUN FOREST RUN…you deserve to be happy..its really a sad thing when u love and care for someone.they.wont give it back… sounds like she is biding time…U deserve to be cherrished just as much as u were willing to give sometimes even more.. grinding teeth I get that and it is deff.stress..love yourself ….make it about u.
RGC,
Reading your story, I can only compare to past relationships, and ask myself what I would do if I were you. I lived with a man for 3 years who refused to cut his psychotic ex out of his life completely. He had all these reasons and justifications for it – they have mutual friends, are from the same hometown, etc. She still carried a flame for him and was completely disrespectful of our relationship. Eventually, she broke into his house and brandished a loaded gun at him. She ended up with a felony on her record but didn’t have to do any prison time. And he STILL had some sort of weak social connection to her. She would show up at events in their hometown drunk and he would drive her home. In the beginning, I set a firm boundary. But once I got pretty entangled in the relationship with him and was living with him, I gave my power away. I lost my bargaining chip which was the ability to set a limit and walk away if he couldn’t respect it. I kept making excuses and making excuses……..this morphed into other types of boundary violations (my boundaries) and eventually with him cheating on me with someone else. That’s what it took for me to leave.
I agree with the advice of others. Pull back your energy and focus on yourself. Perhaps if she realizes she might be losing you, she will step it up and start working on herself, if she really values the marriage. But this only works if you ultimately love yourself enough that you are willing to walk away from her. I was unable to do that all those years ago. I stayed until there was no other choice but to leave, and it devastated me. You can take back your power before you get hurt any further. Personally, I don’t think the marriage is unsaveable at all. I think you are both contributing to the problem. You are contributing by being “too nice” and failing to set boundaries. This over-the-top niceness and tolerance from you is probably very unattractive to her, and she runs to the bad boy, who is the polar opposite. Be a man and stand up to her. Put your needs first and let her know you are going to take care of yourself. When you start doing that, the dynamic of your relationship will change and THEN you will know if she’s a keeper or not. But as long as you are overfunctioning for both of you, she won’t do her part. My guess is that once you’ve pulled back you will start to get pretty angry and may not want her back, even if she wants to come back.
Last night before bed, as i was walking up the stairs, she said her usual “I love you” i normally reply back. but i just was tired or something and i didnt. i do love her but i just didnt say it. five minutes later she is in bed talking her ass off. ive been told by guys who are players that women dont like guys who are too nice. well i dont want to be a player here, and i dont know if my momentary lack of reciprocity triggered her to open up a little, but she did. a little. i guess if i become more true to myself and love myself more it would be percieved as a little distance huh? and i can still be ME. just a little more ME. maybe that fits. maybe i have become her “piss boy” huh? i do have a hobby which was part of her spaths blame crap. and it is a really good outlet for my stress. hmmm. time to spend a little Me time again.
one of these guys told me i need to “take my balls back out of her purse”
Rgc, is the “i love you” response a rote thing? I mean, is it said as “an appropriate response,” or is it said with true intent of meaning? The reason that I ask is that I never failed to tell the exspath that I loved him – at any time. Over the course of a decade, that sentiment became a meaningless set of words to the exspath – well, they had always been meaningless to him, but his disdain became uneniable.
It’s not so much that you want to take your “balls back” out of her purse, but it may be that this is a clear indication that your focus on her, her healing, her damages, her anything, is misplaced and needs to be places firmly, squarely, and 100% upon Rgc.
Brightest blessings
Marriage is a serious commitment. I think it’s very noble that you want to work on yours in spite of an egregious affair. And though it’s easy to point your finger at your wife or at the spath (spaths ruin many lives), all you can change is yourself in this situation. Yes, you can take your balls out of your purse and put them back where they belong – on you. Focus on yourself – not to see what kind of reaction you get out of her, but because it’s what you need to do. And if this were my situation, there would be a very strict boundary set: “If there is any contact whatsoever with the spath, whether it be by phone, email, or otherwise, I’m outta here.” I would not sit around and “be patient” waiting for wife to “get over” this guy. She needs to be able to make a choice to save her marriage. Then do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself, which will inevitably involve pulling back a little. During that time, you can think about what you really want in a relationship, what you will tolerate, and what you won’t tolerate. Think about what your bottom line is – where you need to draw your boundaries. Then you must be willing to walk if she cannot respect them. I know couples who have separated and even divorced, but eventually reunited as a healthier and more functional couple. Pulling away and focusing on yourself is a healthy thing for your marriage. You MUST love yourself first before you can extend it in a healthy way to someone else.
processing……
RGC. Both of my husbands cheated on me. I took both of them back and did my best to “forgive” and move forward. Neither one of them however, wanted to deal with the “why” behind the infidelity. They wanted me to just “forget” it.
Here is my take on all of the above. People that lie, cheat and manipulate have something wrong with their internal moral compass. Just because they no longer lie, cheat and manipulate doesnt mean they are “well.”Many have serious emotional problems that will not be fixed in this life.
No one can advise someone what the final choice should be in a relationship escpecially one with children. My experience with two men over 30 years is that I should have packed my bag the night I found out about their affairs and filed for divorce the next day.
People dont change. Ok, maybe sometimes. I guess I thought I was the “lucky one”, but both men ended up being pieces of human disasters. They put me thru a combined 30 years of hell, and I will never understand why I stayed so long. I was manipulated multiple times in believing that “change “can happen. Many times THERAPISTS told me this. BEWARE of therapy – some of these folks are very disorderd!
For me, nothing really “changed” after many attempts at therapy and conversation. I am done with drama – no relationship on the planet Earth is worth it. I would rather spend my time growing and learning how I can improve myself and the world I live in then put up with lies and deceit from another human being ever again.
Good luck RGC – I will pray for guidance and peace for you tonight.