Few, if any, walk away from their experiences with psychopaths completely unscathed. They may leave us bankrupt, homeless, or destitute. They may feign victimization, as they continue to wage their assaults, further insulting what we actually endured at their hands. Their thirst for destruction may be almost insatiable when it comes to us.
Those are just the tangible losses. Let us give equal time to the emotional confusion and trauma. Many of us suffer from PTSD, depression, or serious physical medical concerns, as a result. Living through experiences with psychopaths, or those with such features, is an incredible feat.
While we tend to focus on the negative consequences, we should also take time to examine the positive ones. It’s important! Here’s why….
Defeated? Don’t answer yet
Human nature and our culture tend to leave us concentrating on what we do not have. If a psychopath enters our world and then exits, leaving us in turmoil, we think this is a bad thing. We mourn our losses, feel bad, and wish things were different.
This is normal. Typically, we don’t enter relationships to leave them. However, when these folks touch our worlds, no good can come of the connections. As a result, as we progress through our journeys, we can come to learn that we have actually been given second chances by their departures.
The little things that are not so little
For example, from the day the person I learned my life lessons from entered my world, I spent a lot of time sick. I am not talking about major issues. Mainly, I experienced lingering colds, strep throat, unexplained fevers, bronchitis, pneumonia, and the like.
It seemed that I visited my doctor frequently for minor, but legitimate, concerns that needed some level of attention. Almost a year and a half ago now, I saw my doctor for a regular check up. She told me that she was surprised to see me. She assumed I had left and gone elsewhere.
I must have looked at her strangely, because she backtracked, explaining that she only mentioned that because she had neither seen nor heard from me in that time. I thought for a moment. It was true. I had not been sick at all.
Similarly, several years ago, my dentist advised that I should sleep with a mouth guard. Apparently, I was grinding my teeth fairly seriously. I recall waking many mornings with my teeth clenched shut. I remember trying to convince myself, while half awake, to unclench my jaw, but could not. I had to fully awaken first and consciously force myself to separate my teeth. The result, serious headaches that sometimes last lasted for days.
Last year, even at the height of two separate court battles, the same dentist indicated to me that he could tell the grinding had stopped. So, what does this indicate? These individuals bring undue harm. Their departures, even if only partial, can change us for the better.
One day at a time
I am not saying that all of the bad magically disappears one day. We may carry many of the scars for years or even for life. However, we can re-emerge with the help of our attitudes and awareness. Even if they persist and seem truly unable to move on, we can work toward freeing ourselves from the burdens. They no longer have to matter to us. It takes time and can be very difficult, but know that it is possible. Once, we invested in relationships that were destined to fail. Now, we can concentrate on rebuilding ourselves successfully. It truly is an example of gain, diguised as loss.
Rgc, I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but this whole business is quite a pickle for anyone to manage. Being co-dependent, myself, I completely understand the desperate desire to “fix” something that is broken beyond repair. I’ve done it, before, in my first abusive marriage. This second one, the exspath was done the instant I discovered what he truly was.
No……..it isn’t easy, simple, painless, delightful, or anything immediately “positive” to call a spade what it is. It’s dammed painful and uncomfortable. In your situation, your wife, who entered into a legal, binding contract of marriage with you, is demonstrating a distinct lack of interest in her own accountability for her own actions – yeah, the spath “talked her into it,” but something was broken BEFORE the spath even entered the picture. HE was just a catalyst and SHE acted upon an urge that many, many people do. But, what she did not do was take responsibility FOR her choices and address the grievous injuries that YOU have suffered, as well.
If you read the posts of other individuals on this site who were coerced by a spath to have an affair, there is a gulf of difference in THEIR language and that of your wife’s. These people experienced spath entanglements, yes they did. But, they also speak openly and truthfully about HOW they became entangled and HOW they are working to heal themselves and their marriages. Some of these people weren’t able to save their marriages, and they acknowledge this. It takes a while, but they get there in their own good time.
So, here’s what I’m reading from your posts, alone, Rgc. I only have your version of events, but (IMHO) I don’t sense any attempts to blow things out of proportion or any serious cries of self-pity. What I’m reading is that someone who is in a legal, binding contract of marriage chose to have a wild-assed fling with a very bad person and, once they discovered that the very bad person was going to go to prison, they returned to someone that they knew would receive them back and accept their actions, choices, and behaviors because they were co-dependent. I’m not suggesting that the wife knew this on a conscious level, but her experiences with you have shown her over, and over, and over that Rgc is very “tolerant,” and she ran back to safety and security without a second thought because she KNEW that she COULD.
It is very possible that I am dead wrong in how I’m reading your situation, Rgc, and I hope that I AM. But, my Life’s Experiences are telling me that one person will do anything, tolerate anything, and accept anything that their partner does and blame themselves for their partner’s actions long, long BEFORE they hold the person accountable. My Life’s Experiences are telling me that your wife returned to you ONLY AFTER the spath was heading off to prison, and not before. She is not interested in her own recovery, nor is she interested in YOUR recovery – shutting down is a “normal” response, but only for a while, Rgc – only for a while. What the wife is interested in is having someone to glom back onto after her bad experiences with the spath – but, she’s not doing the work or engaging in any type of meaningful dialogue. This is only from what I gather from your own posts. Yeah, it stinks, and yeah….it’s ugly. But, it’s what I’m reading over, and over again.
So…..when are YOU going to be placed before someone else in your own life? Just asking….
Brightest blessings
RGC – Truthspeak is spot on.
Let me tell you a story. I was on another blog a year ago when I first learned that my ex husband had a personality disorder. At first, I just thought he was a narcissist but then realized he was a FULL blown psychopath. He did not have any of the violent symptoms that are so common to psychopathy rather he was a SNAKE. He did most of his dirty work behind my back for 16 years of marriage. Clever dude – and I was a guillible participant.
On the blog last summer, I noticed that many of the women were breaking up with their “affair”to the married psychopath. they were all devastated and bitter and hurt as is expected.
So one day, I said to them – “why the hell were you dating a married men?” Well, the message board lit up…they were yelling at me and saying horrible things. They all believed that they were NOT at fault that they had just been duped.
Well, yes they had been duped. They had been love bombed and had sex ten days a week in all positions and were HOOKED. This is what psychopaths do to people.
But, they missed my point. I was questioning why they felt compelled to date a married man. They were refusing to take accountability for their role in the debaucle. When you dont take responsibility for your actions YOU NEVER MOVE FORWARD.
I got kicked off the blog. I have made many poor choices with men but I NEVER cheated with a married man either as a single woman or when I was married. Never. It wasnt even on my radar.
Despite what everyone may say about the control of a psychopath, where the hell is your integrity? Where is your moral compass of right and wrong? Sure, I forgave my psychopath for his “mistakes” but I thought this is what I was supposed to do in a “loving” relationship.
Only problem was that I was the one “loving” and he could care less.
In Sandra Brown’s book” Women Who Love Psychopaths” she lists the three inabilities:
1. The inability to grow to any authentic emotional and spiritual depth.
2. The inability to sustain positive change.
3. The inability to develop insight about how his/her negative behavior affects others.
I think these three “inabilities” apply to everyone. We all make mistakes, but most of us are capable of learning from them, regretting them and making amends.
The ones that are “stuck” should be left on their highway to nowhere. Sad but true.
truthy, SHE was the one who provived the info that got him thrown back in. i know, iv’e considered the possibility that she may have don it because she couldnt handle flicking the maggot off herself, but she did do that much,
i spoke with her last night about a temp separation. she doesnt like it. too bad.
rgc
Hope52—-your experience on the “other blog” and being attacked by these bloggers—NOT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY FOR **OUR** PART IN THIS IS VERY COMMON I am afraid.
My egg donor, after she had discarded me in favor of the pedophile psychopathic ex convict who had been sent to kill me and my P son who had sent him, wanted to “let’s just pretend none of this happened”
NOOOOOOO, she didn’t want to “work on” our relationship in which she had hung, drawn and quartered me emotionally and mentally, NOOOOOO she didn’t want to admit that she had LIED and TRIED TO DRIVE ME OUT OF MY HOME INTO THE STREET, and had succeeded in doing almost that….what she wanted to do was “PRETEND NONE OF IT HAPPENED”
ANY time someone dates a married person (knowingly) their moral compass is not pointed in the “right” direction….it is “off” and if by “dating” a married person knowingly, they get ABUSED by that same married person…it is NOT BLAMING THE VICTIM to say that if they had not done something UNWISE (at the very least ) they might not have been burned.
“When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.” When you become involved romantically with a cheat and a liar, you are not likely to find “TRUE LOVE” and it is pretty common that if he WILL CHEAT ON HER, HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU.
I also participated in my own “down fall” with my family and with others by knowing that some of these folks were not “honest” and trying to convince myself that they (literally) might murder someone else, for turning them in to the cops, but they would never do that to ME! Yea, like a married man who cheated with me wouldn’t cheat on me. Right? WRONG!
Lie to me once, shame on you, lie to me twice, SHAME ON ME.
By refusing to associate with and deal with (on a personal level) people who are dishonest, rude, crude, mean, hateful, liars etc . I have eliminated 99.9% of all the dysfunctional people in my world. Not all of those people I eliminated are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are dishonest, rude, crude, mean, hateful, and liars…so by eliminating the lower level of dysfunction I am also eliminating the higher levels as well.
I don’t expect people to be perfect, we all do things we know are wrong, but when we do…we need to CHANGE OURSELVES. So if someone dates married people and then gets burned, they NEED TO TAKE A LOOK AT THEIR OWN BEHAVIOR and make some CHANGES.
even considered the possibility that the two of them cooked this up to get me to look the other way again. and she did confess six months before his lockup and i did see her try to fight to keep him away. i just think i need her to do step two and i dont think i will settle for less. period. tuff crap if she dont wanna.
You know, RGC, YOU are the “victim” here not her….she VOLUNTEERED to be his victim, and SHE ABUSED YOU in the process.
Now, that doesn’t mean that you may not have been a “neglectful” husband, not listening to her, or giving her support, BUT even if you WERE all these terrible things, if she had been HONEST AND UP FRONT, she would not have “cheated” she would have stood up to you and said, “Look you are not fulfilling my needs as a person, so I am going to look else where”
As long as YOU “volunteer” to be supportive even in spite of all the things she has done to and IS DOING to you and your family and the relationshit…then things are not going to get better for you or for the relation-SHIT (that was no typo the first time)
Maybe she will respond and come around and realize she doesn’t want to lose you and will actually work on the relationship, maybe she won’t, but in any case. YOU will quit volunteering to be her door mat and I think that is where you are emerging from now.
Hey, I AM “throwing stones” and I DO live in a “glass house” and I DID volunteer to be my son’s victim for 25+ years, so I know whither of I speaketh. Quit volunteering and set some boundaries. I wouldn’t be speaking this plainly if I didn’t think you were ready to hear the plain, unvarnished TRUTH…but I do think you are getting ready to learn to take care of RGC FIRST.
RGC here is an article I wrote a while back that might be of help to you now….
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/03/02/when-hope-becomes-malignant/
so i have decided we need a temporary separation so we can both have time to think. and i feel she needs to think about who the hell she is. i’m not her dad (rest his soul) but i am her husband (for now) and i do deserve the things in a relationship outlined above. i dont care about the maggot. as long as it finds some other meat somewhere else. (my hopes are not high) i know the creep blew a gasket when he found out about my wife providing the proof they needed to nail him and i know the parole system wont protect her or me. and i know that he gets violent over stupid crap like losing a game of cards.
I know she thinks i’m bluffing. i’m not. the only thing i would consider is me leaving for a while but a close friend says if i dont make her go she wont be as inclined to think as it were. she wanted to know for how long and i said i didnt know. maybe a week, maybe a month,, or two. i dont like it much but i dont like living with the woman who did this either. she put all of us in danger. the whole family. you guys are right, SHE needs to change.
thank you all for having the guts to be honest with me. its more than most people care to do.
DearRGC,
That sounds like a reasonable suggestion (demand) to me.
She is the one who put the family in danger from this guy, not you. SHE is the one who needs to make some serious changes in herself. That doesn’t mean you don’t need to make some serious changes in yourself either.
Believe me, I HAD SOME SERIOUS CHANGES TO MAKE IN MYSELF in order to keep myself safe. My own denial of what my son was/is is what made us be i n danger in the first place.
Not only my relationsht with my son, but I picked up a boy friend who was a P after my husband died…that was 8 months of hell, and then the recovery time and grief as well…so now I am no longer “needy” where a relationship is concerned. I am happy by myself. If a relationship came along, great, but I’m not out SEARCHING for any man who will have me and that is what I was doing when I picked up that joker.
I also eliminated “friends” who were dysfunctional and high iin P traits. Some were actually P’s I think, some just arseholes, but don’t need any of them. NONE.
If your wife (for now) has any redeeming virtues she will work on getting herself straight and YOU will work on setting boundaries for how YOU ALLOW OTHERS TO TREAT YOU. You do not deserve to be treated like dog doo…but ONLY you can determine how you allow others (includign your wife) to treat you.
You have a PERFECT RIGHT to set some boundaries for her and say I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS AND THEN STICK TO IT.
I’m glad that you are willing to accept our “tough love” I had to start PRACTICING WHAT I ALREADY “KNEW” (but denied) because to not do it meant to die…I’m not sure that I would ever have started to “FISH” without “starvation” staring me in the face. I’m glad you haven’t waited that long. Good for you. You get a big TOWANDA!!! That’s the LoveFraud war cry for those of us learning to take care of ourselves FIRST! We can’t love anyone until we love ourselves.
Let me introduce myself, my name is Sandy Carlson rgc’s wife. I want to tell you people who think you are helping my husband that you are all wrong. Rick tears everything he thinks of apart and analizes it. This time he has gone too far!! Yes, I got caught up in an affair two years ago. It started when he would tell me everything opposite of what Rick did, (I suppose to make himself look good). We talked a lot and I opened up my feelings about home life. NOthing that any other houshold doesn’t have. He twisted it and turned it into the opposite. anyway, what I want to say is, I have no plans to ever see this guy again, if I wanted to be with him, I would have left Rick a long time ago. I love my family, I am a good person and I love my husband dearly. I am 50 years old and for the last year have been going through menapause and now I am period free for 4 months. I think this whole closeness thing or lack of is the hormones. I have talked to many womaen about this and they all say they have lack of interest at this time in thier lives. You people are driving Rick to insanity, he needs to look in his heart and know I am still here for him. Things happened and it’s over, I took the blame (Partial, it takes two) and cried many tears on my own about this whole thing. Rick you are amazing, but you need to stop talking to these people or you will go nuts. Stop messing with his mind, we have good days. I’m not some wench who has no heart, I am happy, cheery and co-depentdent and that is what got me into all this. I just want it to go away and for Rick and I to have a normal relationship if that can ever be, after you people are putting crap into his head. For being such path haters, your sure doing a number on Rick. Back off! Good Day Sandy