Few, if any, walk away from their experiences with psychopaths completely unscathed. They may leave us bankrupt, homeless, or destitute. They may feign victimization, as they continue to wage their assaults, further insulting what we actually endured at their hands. Their thirst for destruction may be almost insatiable when it comes to us.
Those are just the tangible losses. Let us give equal time to the emotional confusion and trauma. Many of us suffer from PTSD, depression, or serious physical medical concerns, as a result. Living through experiences with psychopaths, or those with such features, is an incredible feat.
While we tend to focus on the negative consequences, we should also take time to examine the positive ones. It’s important! Here’s why….
Defeated? Don’t answer yet
Human nature and our culture tend to leave us concentrating on what we do not have. If a psychopath enters our world and then exits, leaving us in turmoil, we think this is a bad thing. We mourn our losses, feel bad, and wish things were different.
This is normal. Typically, we don’t enter relationships to leave them. However, when these folks touch our worlds, no good can come of the connections. As a result, as we progress through our journeys, we can come to learn that we have actually been given second chances by their departures.
The little things that are not so little
For example, from the day the person I learned my life lessons from entered my world, I spent a lot of time sick. I am not talking about major issues. Mainly, I experienced lingering colds, strep throat, unexplained fevers, bronchitis, pneumonia, and the like.
It seemed that I visited my doctor frequently for minor, but legitimate, concerns that needed some level of attention. Almost a year and a half ago now, I saw my doctor for a regular check up. She told me that she was surprised to see me. She assumed I had left and gone elsewhere.
I must have looked at her strangely, because she backtracked, explaining that she only mentioned that because she had neither seen nor heard from me in that time. I thought for a moment. It was true. I had not been sick at all.
Similarly, several years ago, my dentist advised that I should sleep with a mouth guard. Apparently, I was grinding my teeth fairly seriously. I recall waking many mornings with my teeth clenched shut. I remember trying to convince myself, while half awake, to unclench my jaw, but could not. I had to fully awaken first and consciously force myself to separate my teeth. The result, serious headaches that sometimes last lasted for days.
Last year, even at the height of two separate court battles, the same dentist indicated to me that he could tell the grinding had stopped. So, what does this indicate? These individuals bring undue harm. Their departures, even if only partial, can change us for the better.
One day at a time
I am not saying that all of the bad magically disappears one day. We may carry many of the scars for years or even for life. However, we can re-emerge with the help of our attitudes and awareness. Even if they persist and seem truly unable to move on, we can work toward freeing ourselves from the burdens. They no longer have to matter to us. It takes time and can be very difficult, but know that it is possible. Once, we invested in relationships that were destined to fail. Now, we can concentrate on rebuilding ourselves successfully. It truly is an example of gain, diguised as loss.
LOUISE! Good to “see” you! 😀
As you can see, my wife is a little pistol! and i was reallllly glad to see she’s been following here. and i was a little concerned that one useless 2010 sounded so familiar. and that useless2010 was trying to get me to run her line. my analytic mind did ponder if it was her. but without any hesitation she came out and told me up front that it was her. i think she gets that honesty, even if she’s been a little naughty, is the only way.
thank you all for helping me look at me more. and thank you for giving her a warm welcome. i doubt she’ll post much. but i think she is curious and yet embarrassed and will probably read here once in a while. and since i think she gets after our conversation about it that you folks are not trying to jerk me around, she wont be occupied worrying about it.
one thing she’s right about is that the two of us are different. she is slow to change, i dive right in. that might make it look or feel to me like she’s standing still. i think she knows that the two of us being different is something that brings a complimentary dynamic to a relationship. opposites do attract.
i still am going to somehow spend some time doing MY things cause i really think i need some time to just be by myself. i need to rediscover just who the heck i am. sometimes i think too much.
i’ll be around from time to time.
rgc
Thank you for this article Linda.
You are right.
Gain disguised as loss.
It wasn’t a loss at all getting rid of the demon in my life.
And, on the opposite side of the coin, I have gained more, by letting go, than I ever could have lost.
I have peace in my life and world again.
Immeasurable peace.
Sure, it’s still difficult.
When I walk past park benches we used to sit whiling away hours of conversation…we must forsake these memories lest we fall prey. We must peel away that mask of ‘denial’ and see it all for what it truly is.
All of the good stuff is remembered, just like you said.
However, in my situation, the ugliness has outweighed the good stuff.
Numerous death threats; attempts; stalking….just the dramarama and ugliness of a spath/ppath can leave you feeling like you have completely disintegrated but if you stop and take a deep breath and grab a hold of yourself, you will see they haven’t succeeded in taking anything away except for THEIR UGLY BUTTS.
Almost five months on this, the sixth time of NC.
The stalking only stopped when I changed my phone number.
Two weeks ago. This has been going on for just about 12 years now.
I am free again. I have my life back. I truly do have my life back.
Almost died from a near fatal heart attack brought on by all of this garbage, but I survived and am now in the process of trying to rebuild myself and my life after almost 12 years of this nonsense.
I am determined and resolved that “THIS BEING” will NOT get one more moment from my life.
My physical ailments were REAL.
I suffered REAL physical damage.
My life will never be the same but it’s so much more ‘freer’ and peaceful without the ppath in my world….
Hope you all have a wonderful day and spend some time being good to yourselves.
Thanks again, Linda, for the spot on article.
You have helped ‘lift’ my day.
Dupey
Sandy and Rick,
I hope that Sandy finding (and hopefully reading) what Rick has written here and what we bloggers have written TO Rich will get both of you into COUNSELING and THERAPY, both together as a couple and separately as individuals.
It is my opinion that BOTH of you need to learn about yourselves, You Rick, for putting up with this carp, and you, Sandy, for betraying your husband and your marriage by having an affair with this guy who I believe is in prison now.
Whatever kind of marriage you had before the affair, it obviously wasn’t what Sandy wanted or was happy with or she would not have fallen for the lure of the psychopath’s “come on” but when someone has literally burned down your house, which is what an affair does, you want more than an “I said I was sorry” before you can resume the relationship.
In the end, you two may have MUCH MORE of a relationship than you ever had, you may renew the passion you had when you were “kids” and your marriage and you as individuals grow out of it. If you try to ignore what happened both before the affair and after, there is no hope for either of you in my opinion either as individuals or as a couple to find “happiness” or contentment.
I don’t want to “get in the middle” or have this blog be used as a triangulation of “Rick says this, She says that.”..the bloggers expected to take his side, or her side, or whatever. I also believe the “therapy” needed here in this relation-shit I think is beyond the scope of this blog.
So Rick, while I hope you have profited from what I (and others) have said to you on LoveFraud, with Susan here “listening” I think I am going to back out of the discussion from this point on, and I do hope that you will get some professional therapy to help you develop some boundaries.
Susan, I wish you no ill will, and I am truly sorry that you find yourself in the position you do today…but menopause is not even close as an “excuse” or “a reason” why you do not desire intimacy with your husband. I also suggest that you get some counseling and therapy as well.
Good luck and God bless you both.
Oxdrover my name is Susan but I hope you aren’t referring to me… I’m new here, I’m not experiencing menopause, I’ve been divorced for 16 years and I’m listening because I’m just at the beginning of this nightmare and really don’t even know what to say for myself. To the best of my knowledge I don’t even know anyone on this board.
4whiteorchids, no I was referring to a woman up above, the wife of RGC (“Rick”) who has been on this board for some time. She just chimed in (up thread) to say that the bloggers here are causing her husband problems, so I was just saying that with her coming here, I don’t feel I can “get in the middle” of their problems.
I would have no way of knowing your name was susan.
That said, WELCOME to Love Fraud….I’m sorry that you have a need to be here. I hope you will read and blog, there is lots of support here and LOTS of great articles to help you sort out your own wounds. Again, welcome and God bless.
Ox Drover That’s what I figured but I guess I’m a little paranoid these days lol. (I did actually post my name in another thread, omg Im confused)
I’m sorry that I’m here too. Intellectually I get it, but I don’t get it you know?
Truthspeak he was a shell of a human being before stealing my life, so really, nothing has changed for him.
Please don’t think I’m trying to be rude when I say moving on is not a win or rather it’s not enough of a win for me because this never should have happened in the first place.
These people behave with ultimate impunity… he commits the crimes, gets caught and is still somehow able to make the victim responsible for the consequences. And he gets some kind of system pass because he’s a “psychopath”.
Because of what he’s done to my life, I do not have the ability or the means to just pick up the pieces of my life and move forward (he planned it that way, and he was impressively thorough). So where does that leave me? His parting gift to me was stealing title to my house, I found out today that as early as Monday (sept 17) my daughter and I will be forced to leave (he filed an order to have us removed. From our own home). There is no way I can avoid being homeless. How do I just recover from that? How do I even move forward from that? And that’s just one of the issues and not even the biggest one… Of course I can prove every word I am saying is true, and everyone is aware that this house belongs to me… how in g-ds name does he keep getting away with this when everyone involved knows he’s guilty??
Repeatedly I’ve been told by people I trust to just try not to be bitter and rebuild and the police have assured me that he will be caught but in the meantime just move on… okay I get what you guys are saying, but I cannot move beyond being homeless, so what’s your plan B? He literally stole my ability to survive this..
My life just stopping here cannot be the answer and yet oddly enough that’s exactly what seems to be happening. I lost the battle now I can’t move forward (or backwards, or sideways). Seriously, how did this even happen?? I did everything right and never even saw this guy coming.
4whiteorchids,
“Can’t move on”…? WHAT CHOICES DO YOU have?
You have no choice but to “move on”–okay, he stole your house and you and your daughter are going to have to move…eventually…but I would do everything legally possible to stay where I am while I could….even renters who don’t pay are hell to throw out so I would be HELL TO THROW OUT.
Call your local TV news agency and see if they are interested in covering the story “woman and daughter evicted from her home”
Call your local DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTER and speak to someone there and get some advice….maybe a place to go instead of the street.
ACT!!!! MOVE!!! DO SOMETHING!! EVEN IF IT IS WRONG!!! DO NOT GO SILENTLY INTO THE NIGHT LEAVING HIM LAUGHING IN YOUR WAKED.
You say you “cannot move beyond being homeless” and I say YES YOU CAN!!!!! YES, YOU MUST!!!!
We are here for you, will cheer you on, but YOU are the one who must save yourself. You can do it. God bless.
OxD, I’m right behind you in backing out of the discussion with Rgc and his wife. The whole thing stinks, and I’ve got enough sh*t of my own to shovel. 😉
4whiteorchids, people “mean well” when they attempt to advise you on how to proceed. This may come as a bit of a shock, but nearly every reader on this site has faced the same types of losses that you’re facing, this very moment.
I lost my home to foreclosure (wasn’t even aware of this action until the exspath left), my transportation to reposession, tons of my own, individual finances to coercions and outright forgeries, and everything in between. YOU BET I was desperate! I don’t know how it’s done, but you can go back and read some of my previous posts in the past year…..yeah…..
However you manage to do it, 4whiteorchids, you don’t really have a choice BUT to move forward. Technically, we always have options, and yours are: do something and recover, or; do nothing and die. Right now, it doesn’t seem like moving forward is any type of “WIN,” at all – I know this from my own experience, and I can verify that “getting over it” doesn’t sound like much of a tradeoff.
There is a website that can put you in touch with a number of resources INCLUDING cost-free counseling, housing, legal representation, etc. Please, take a look at this site, find your local hotline, and take action. http://www.ndvh.org
Even if it’s wrong, I have to take action for my SELF. Nobody is going to solve my situation FOR me – that’s precisely how I got involved with spaths in the first place: Truthspeak is codependent and is trying to extract herself from this cycle of madness. Nobody – and, I mean NOBODY – is going to swoop down, pay my bills, fix my life, and see that I’m content, safe, and healthy. I have to learn how to provide these necessities, on my own. And, I have a son living with me, as well.
4whiteorchids, you CAN move beyond being homeless – you can. I did it. OxD did it. Most of the readers posting onh this site faced homelessness – this is what spaths DO, and there’s no remedy for it other than to take control over our own lives and denying them the ultimate “WIN” of final destruction of our souls. You still have that, right? Well, dammit, get angry and put that angry energy into a positive effort to “Do Something.” Take frigging action.
I’ve been where you are – I’m still pulling myself out of the cesspool of despair, and it’s a hard, tough, and nasty battle. But, I’m going to “WIN” because I can.
Brightest supportive blessings to you
Hi 4whiteorchids, I am so sorry you are facing this. As Truthspeak says, you are not alone. I too have lost my home, savings, ability to support myself (for now) and will be homeless at the end of next month. I can’t tell you how you will get through it because I don’t know you or your situation well enough, but I can share some of the things that are helping me.
1. Reach out to people. This was the hardest thing for me. I felt so ashamed and so broken. I am also on the other side of the world from my family and close friends and felt very, very isolated and alone (I think it is common to be isolated when in a spathy relationship). I started by calling (free) crisis line when I was suicidal, the first time I actually told another human being – just a friendly voice on the end of the phone – what was happening I got physically sick and had to call them back after 10 min when I had finished puking! After that first time though it got easier and I was able to reach out to some people for support. Easier is relative, I didn’t throw up but I did come apart at the seams when I was talking to people, but you know what – they coped with that and so did I and it got better. Support can come from unexpected places. Be prepared to be surprised. If you are like me, you find it really hard to accept help, but this is no time for that. Remember what YOU would do if your friend or sister or daughter was in the same situation and let people help you.
2. Look after you. This is a hard one. The person who did this to you had time to plan and work things out. You have no time, have been thrown into a situation that is overload on stress and have to cope with very practical issues at a time when you feel least able to do so. You have to eat, sleep and keep your body as healthy as you can because you need all the strength you have. It may be that your brain can’t cope very well with what is happening and the overload – especially if there are previous things in your life that have caused “cracks” that have now fractured. I have not been coping very well with simple things – making decisions, getting simple practical things done. I have been blanking out, freezing up, having anxiety attacks at night so no good sleep and lost ability to concentrate and assimilate information. If I was in a safe place with time to heal I’m sure this would come right naturally, but I’m not, so I went to doctor and explained what was happening (well became a puddle on her floor would be a more accurate description!). I have started taking antidepressants now and although I have some (relatively minor) trouble with side effects it seems to be helping. The point is to do whatever you have to that will help – but stay away from alcohol.
3. One step at a time. At the moment getting my life back together seems such a big mountain to climb that if I try to think about it I get overwhelmed and fall apart – I guess you will feel that too. The only way I can “move forward” is to take one small step, then when that is done, take another small step. It is hard to plan for the end of next week and I have no idea what the future will hold, so for now it is enough to survive and take small steps. I am still having to deal with the snake that drove his wreaking ball into my life, and there are times when that knocks me back it seems to square 1, but I seem to climb back a little more quickly now and take comfort in that.
We have been touched by evil, if we give up it wins. I am taking hope from the survivors who post here. If they can make it, so can I. I can’t see how yet, like you it feels as if my life has ended here. Well in a way it has, the “old life” and the old me is well and truly smashed into tiny pieces. There is no way I can put that back together again, so I will have to learn mosaic and build something new (and better?) with the pieces I have left and perhaps some new pieces I will find as I heal. The first priority is getting to a place where healing is possible. I have made a pact with myself that I hold off on deciding that my life is over until I have at least achieved that.
In posting here you have already taken a step and shown that you haven’t lost the ability to move forward. Use that to help with the next step, and you will find the means within yourself to get through the next battle.
Kia Kaha