Few, if any, walk away from their experiences with psychopaths completely unscathed. They may leave us bankrupt, homeless, or destitute. They may feign victimization, as they continue to wage their assaults, further insulting what we actually endured at their hands. Their thirst for destruction may be almost insatiable when it comes to us.
Those are just the tangible losses. Let us give equal time to the emotional confusion and trauma. Many of us suffer from PTSD, depression, or serious physical medical concerns, as a result. Living through experiences with psychopaths, or those with such features, is an incredible feat.
While we tend to focus on the negative consequences, we should also take time to examine the positive ones. It’s important! Here’s why….
Defeated? Don’t answer yet
Human nature and our culture tend to leave us concentrating on what we do not have. If a psychopath enters our world and then exits, leaving us in turmoil, we think this is a bad thing. We mourn our losses, feel bad, and wish things were different.
This is normal. Typically, we don’t enter relationships to leave them. However, when these folks touch our worlds, no good can come of the connections. As a result, as we progress through our journeys, we can come to learn that we have actually been given second chances by their departures.
The little things that are not so little
For example, from the day the person I learned my life lessons from entered my world, I spent a lot of time sick. I am not talking about major issues. Mainly, I experienced lingering colds, strep throat, unexplained fevers, bronchitis, pneumonia, and the like.
It seemed that I visited my doctor frequently for minor, but legitimate, concerns that needed some level of attention. Almost a year and a half ago now, I saw my doctor for a regular check up. She told me that she was surprised to see me. She assumed I had left and gone elsewhere.
I must have looked at her strangely, because she backtracked, explaining that she only mentioned that because she had neither seen nor heard from me in that time. I thought for a moment. It was true. I had not been sick at all.
Similarly, several years ago, my dentist advised that I should sleep with a mouth guard. Apparently, I was grinding my teeth fairly seriously. I recall waking many mornings with my teeth clenched shut. I remember trying to convince myself, while half awake, to unclench my jaw, but could not. I had to fully awaken first and consciously force myself to separate my teeth. The result, serious headaches that sometimes last lasted for days.
Last year, even at the height of two separate court battles, the same dentist indicated to me that he could tell the grinding had stopped. So, what does this indicate? These individuals bring undue harm. Their departures, even if only partial, can change us for the better.
One day at a time
I am not saying that all of the bad magically disappears one day. We may carry many of the scars for years or even for life. However, we can re-emerge with the help of our attitudes and awareness. Even if they persist and seem truly unable to move on, we can work toward freeing ourselves from the burdens. They no longer have to matter to us. It takes time and can be very difficult, but know that it is possible. Once, we invested in relationships that were destined to fail. Now, we can concentrate on rebuilding ourselves successfully. It truly is an example of gain, diguised as loss.
Truthspeak:
From my own experience, I know that the subconcious only let the “truth” out as much as the conscious can handle. To be in denial is a defence and control mechanism to keep you safe. Now that your situation is safer than it was, it will step by step lift the veil you are under in order for you to work it through. It sounds like you discovered that the dream you had for your life did not come true and that creates a sense of loss and you mourn it. I call that dream popping.
The anxiety you feel is the control to try and keep you under the safe veil of what you thought you knew. Anxiety is fear. When you have no control to feel safe, anxiety goes off.
You say you look at all the things you don’t have, that is a comparison to what should have been and what others have. It may trigger a series of emotions. To step out of this state of emotions is to stop comparing because when you compare you’re in a state of inferiority. Acceptence of what is NOW is the key. It’s natural for your body to release emotions, blockage, boiled up energy by crying.
Sit down at look at what you actually do have. Write a to be thankful list everyday.
Right now in the part of the process you are in, your goals and dreams changes. Your values and belief system is changing. Therefore dreams popps. What you used to find valuable suddenly is not and therefore it’s hard to “go back” to the old dream. It only suggest to me that change is happening. New dreams and goals will emerge, but you have to work these emotions through first. Your mind is processing and pointing out to you what issues you need to work on. It is really a good thing even if it’s a painful way to do it.
This is an uncomfortable way to get to know your self, the darkest and deepest corners within your self- all of it you really don’t want to know exists because “negative” emotions are uncomfortable. Uncomfortable emotions we tend to push down, therefore I say, take the job while its up in the air.
This is only my take on it.
Sunflower, thank you so much for the encouraging comments – and, I like your take on the whole situation.
Yeah, I have to stop comparing what I “should” have to what I “do” have because that comparison isn’t going to make any difference. The only thing to focus upon is “what IS” and make some lemonade out of this canful of lemons.
One issue at a time, and one step at a time – I want this to all be healed and okay, YESTERDAY, and it’s just not going to happen the way that I want it to. I don’t “like” it, at all. I don’t like these growth pains and the healing processes. They aren’t peaceful or wonderful. They’re downright painful and draining.
Thanks, again, for your support and encouragement.
Brightest blessings
Lol, yes I can relate to what you are saying. Downright painful and it would have been nice if it could have been done yesterday. It’s strikingly interesting how we all have the same can of mechanisms. It also point very clearly out actually how nasty spaths really are, how they cause a series of unpleasant events and consequences in the human minds around them without any concern, even years after they are gone. It’s like watching ripples in the water.
I wish you the best of luck my dear. And thank you as well 😉
Thruthspeak,
It’s true that some people go through even worse at some point, but that doesn’t make your experience and your loss any less painful.
When you’re surviving you can regard your emotions being held back by a water lock. When the situation stabilizes somewhat, even if but slightly to the previous situation, the lock gets opened, and water will pour out of the reservoir, and since the lock is opened the held back water is trying to push the lock open completely.
Remember how I once told about this tactic of mine to hold a pity-fest? It gives you a chance to let some of that emotional water pour out, on your time. It will be overwhelming, but you can see it as a gift to yourself, a gesture of loving yourself, without feeling guilty about it, and pick up the thread of life again the next day. You pick a day, watch some sap-movie that will make you cry for sure (Terms of Endearment, the Champ, etc), favourite chocolate dessert, a box of kleenex, and if you have a friend who has a shoulder to cry on invite them, even some alcohol (not to ease the pain, but to help you cry).
Truthspeak,
I have also been going through a period of overwhelm. It seems that the more I reach for the positive things in my life that I want, the more stuff comes up. All the old beliefs about how I will never recover, how hopeless it is, how I’m too far gone to change……they are all coming up. It’s discouraging, and my tendency is to believe those thoughts, even though I know they are just thoughts. My inner critic is working overtime, and I can’t seem to shut it up! It’s a bit of a healing crisis this week. I keep hoping to deal with it with my own controlled methods, but they don’t work. Change requires me to take some risks, and that’s so scary for me. I’m such a control freak in some ways.
I’m looking to see what triggered those thoughts. Wanting to get closer with a few people in my life in particular (normal, healthy people), and getting to the next level of salsa dancing (which triggers all of my fears of incompetency). It is putting me into a healing crisis because I want to change but I’m not sure how. It’s scary and it doesn’t seem easy. I’m reminding myself that negative thoughts can create their own feelings of despair that are more ego (thought) driven. Getting to the real feelings and experiencing them directly – this is the task in a healing crisis. It’s not easy for me. Sometimes doing the thing that would release the stuck energy, such as being vulnerable with another person or putting myself out in some other way, is the hardest thing for me to do. Even seeking a counselor triggers my financial issues because it costs money. Wherever I turn, there are demons to face this week in my life. Ugh. If I ever said healing was fun and easy, just slap me. There’s a reason they call it growing “pains”. LOL
You hang in there, Truthy. You’re not alone. And don’t let the despairing thoughts defeat you. They are just thoughts. You are not your thoughts.
Star, you seem to have a pretty buzy lifestyle, your always on the go and trying new things, meeting new people. What’s wrong with just being you, why do you need change? healing for me has been excepting that I have been damaged, changing the negatives if I can.
Sorry your having a bad week, stop beating yourself up and just be..you seem to look for approval everywhere but from you..
hens:
Good point!
LOL Only the peeps on LF could find something negative about going out, meeting people, making friends, and having fun. 🙂
But thanks for caring. (((hugs))). I enjoy being social. I was a recluse for many years. If I’d been happy with that lifestyle, I wouldn’t feel inclined to change it.
Star,
I didn’t regard hens’ post as expressing negativity over going out. It sounded more like he was summing up what good stuff you’re doing, and not to be too hard on yourself.
And it’s just untrue that LF “peeps” talk negative about going out, meeting people, making friends or have fun. Nobody here has ever discouraged me from going out, meeting friends, and have fun., except with certain people I met I myself already put question marks behind.
It bothers me that you put down LF “peeps” every chance you can get, especially if it’s way out there and no need for it. It comes across as prejudiced and defensive. It makes me wonder why you feel so defensive about it. I don’t apologize for nor assume people won’t like it here if I tell them I’m happy, and going out and meeting people (old and new), exactly because I don’t put question marks behind the right of having fun and be happy. I believe I have every right to be happy and have fun any way I see fit (without harming another soul), and believe others have that right as well and I naturally assume that people don’t begrudge me that, neither on LF or in RL.
Truly, if you would truly feel/be lightyears ahead of everybody else here on LF, then I doubt you would even feel the need to ascertain that aheadedness.
I’m not attacking you here: but I’m reflecting on remarks that come up frequently from you and giving you feedback on it, in the hope that you can do something with it for your own path.
Star..
oh my..I was not being negative, I was just pointing out the fact that you seem to have a very exciting life..always sharing with us your latest crush, trip or dance class…I couldnt keep up with you, sometimes I am envious..I was just trying to give you a boost because you seemed to be down on yourself..There aint nothin wrong with going out and doing things and meeting people,,,something you encourage me to do often….