Getting off the Valentine’s Day rollercoaster

Come Valentine’s Day, many unattached people, or people in less-than-fulfilling relationships, may be willing to accept less than they really deserve, just to have a few crumbs of “romance.” Sarah Strudwick writes that perhaps it’s time for a change. Read:

Happy pathological free Valentines Day, on

Comment on this article

98 Comments on "Getting off the Valentine’s Day rollercoaster"

Notify of


I think your X spath definitely had a fear of intimacy. It’s really sad I think 🙁

Darwinsmom, I don’t see a problem with you having this great friend in your life as long as it doesn’t keep you in a fantasy world and prevent you from moving on. It doesn’t sound like it’s going to go any farther than what it is. If he wanted to be with you, you would be together. Does it matter if he is afraid of intimacy or what his problem is? This, to me, is where so many of us give our power away. A guy is not into us, so we spend our time analyzing and trying to figure out why and how. This is where it would be good for us to get in touch with our inner sociopath and say, “He is not into me – he doesn’t want to be with me. So I’m not going to give him one more minute of my time. I’m just gonna move on.” It can even be empowering to tell him that he is not giving you what you want so you are moving on and breaking ties.

I eventually had to break the connection with the guy from Costa Rica. It hurt me to do it, but every time he contacted me, it stirred up my feelings. I would start thinking about him and comparing other men to him. He would tell me how special I was to him and how he “treasured” me. And yet, he was involved with someone else and never made any effort to see me. Why should I waste my time thinking about a man who doesn’t want to be with me? I got into this magical thinking that maybe he will realize what he missed…..blah blah blah. The bottom line is that actions speak louder than words.

Star, he’s not keeping me from living in the present, the reality. But I cannot do what you describe to him. I made that choice ten years ago: it was breaking all ties (the depressive gatetunnel to the airplane) or unconditional love (the beautiful shiny hallway leading straight to the tarmak). I chose the unconditional love. Never regreted it. Not gonna start regretting it now either.

Darwinsmom, I was projecting that you must be a hopeless romantic like I am…….you have a big heart, and I envy the way you can stay in touch with him. I couldn’t do it with the guy in Costa Rica. If I could, we could have a friendship that could span our lifetime. It did sound like you were entertaining getting back together with him, so that was the basis for my comment.

I haven’t contemplated it for years… it was just that when sky helped me to understand the misunderstanding better, combined with my soul singing away, I did contemplate how I’d respond, what would be my opinion, how would I feel if he happened to stand in front of my door, knowing full well that the chances to that happening are nill.

But as I contemplated it, I realized it wouldn’t be healthy at all, not for me, not for him at this point in our lives. We might help each other to heal, yes… but exactly because of it, we’d be each other rebound, and therefore not lasting. That then makes me think it’s better to do this healing each other from a friendship position, over distance.

So, I contemplated it but from a ure hypothetical pov, to check my own feelings and responses and ideas, because they can help me in general. The last few days though has also helped me to see the contrast between the spath and him as examples of what inspires me, what my needs are, what may not be my needs, what may have me fooled, when would I be settling, when wouldn’t I be, … I think I realize how important the intellectual matching actually is to me, where my insecurities come from, how in future men it would be important to check what their type of affection communication is like and whether it’s truly an issue or not, etc…

I know it sounds magnanomous, but at the time of my choice, I just knew that I would benefit the most myself if I chose the unconditional love for him. Even in hindsight, in what it gave me the past decade, I would have been more damaged and hurt if I had chosen the forget-him tunnel.

An example: At the time I was with the spath and chatted with him, he was the one I dared to be the most honest too about my doubts (something I didn’t show to others), and his response was so supportive: he warned me against the man, but also understood I needed to find out and run my head into a wall. After that conversation, some of the things he had said remained in the back of my mind, and I started to act more and more to have the spath be responsible in his life, cutting down on the financial support, in finding a job, etc… And of course, instead of doing that, he started to look for a new victim for him to “save” him. It took almost a year after that conversation I had with my big love, but it might have sped up the devalue and ditching process.

PS. I’m a romantic 😉 I can watch Pride and Prejudice any time :p

the lack of sex from a sex addict can be one of the most confusing aspects about a dysfunctional relationship.

There are so many layers to it. I think that most spaths just think they are doing it to punish the partner or to keep us wanting more. But deep down, they are doing it because they are afraid of that connection.

When I left my spath I said, “you’re a sociopath because you never wanted to grow up – you even told me that you never wanted to grow up.”
His response, “I never wanted to grow up because then you get a wife and she leaves you.”

I don’t know if he knows how much truth there was in that statement. That was what he experienced with his mother leaving his father and it caused him to run away from home at age 12. He never went back until he was 17 when he went to live with his spath father.

Here’s a good article on fear of intimacy (the webpage format is bad but the content is good)

He talks about co-dependents wearing masks – just like spaths do. So in effect he portrays (to me) that we have some spath characteristics only to a lesser extent, in that we are not completely honest and truthful.

For me, the more spaths I know, the less honest I can be.

I think it’s the less honest you can be, because you are simply protecting yourself.


yes Athena,
that’s one of the ways they slime us and also, one of the reasons.
We go into a relationshit with a spath with our hearts open and they envy that ability we have. So their betrayals are aimed at teaching us to be less trusting. And that’s what happens, that’s the slime.

I hope to eventually get past that and feel so much trust in MYSELF, that it doesn’t matter how many spaths I encounter, I will still be true to myself. Boundaries, I guess, are the answer.

1 8 9 10

Send this to a friend