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Getting off the Valentine’s Day rollercoaster

Come Valentine’s Day, many unattached people, or people in less-than-fulfilling relationships, may be willing to accept less than they really deserve, just to have a few crumbs of “romance.” Sarah Strudwick writes that perhaps it’s time for a change. Read:

Happy pathological free Valentines Day, on WakingYouUp.wordpress.com.



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98 Comments on "Getting off the Valentine’s Day rollercoaster"

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As usual, Sarah writes a great article. Fortunately, I’ve finally passed the “weepy valentine’s day syndrome” LOL but I can sure remember being there.

Learning to love myself, to be complete in myself has been the answer for me, rather than to depend on someone else to provide me “happiness.”

Thanks for posting this link, Donna.

Dear Donna,

Dupey posted this earlier and I’m so glad you put it here in the main forum for all to read! There I was tonight in the supermarket watching people gathered round the Valentines day cards, buying flowers…..mainly men it has to be said. Bless them. I felt a pang of loss, of love lost, of loneliness I suppose. Even though when last year it was me who ensured we had a romantic evening ….paid for and organised by yours truly. As always. This article is a great, timely reminder. A good old fashioned kick up the butt as you guys would say. Love is love. It is true and honest, respectful and kind and warm. And most of all …..reciprocated. No more one sided loving for me.

Strongawoman, Yea I noticed the tons of red cardboard boxes of chocolates and cards on the end caps of the store shelves….good old commercialism for sure.

You guys are looking at it all wrong – I get excited when I see all those yummy chocolates displayed because I know the day AFTER Valentine’s Day they are 50% OFF and I can afford them.

Oxy – you will appreciate this – (true story) One year hubby gave me a big, red manure spreader for Valentine’s Day.

Milo, Yea, a man after my own heart! You have a jewel there MiLo, appreciate him if you can keep from killing him! LOL That’s too cool.

How is your syrup boiling coming along? We are having our annual SNOW TIRE AND DAFFODIL FESTIVAL when the daffies bloom we get a nasty ice/snow storm….almost always BUT HOPEFULLY THAT WILL BE THE LAST! This year we really haven’t even had a winter.

Oxy ~ “if you can keep from killing him” Oh, yea baby. We just got done with the yearly vacation planning, what days he will take off, when we will go, etc. He works mids now as a 911 dispatcher. They use military time and when on mids your day off is not really your day off. Then there is vacation days vs. holidays vs. personal days vs. comp time. By the time we get done, I’ve got that iron frying pan out and have it aimed. Then there is the fact that he PROMISED Grand that if we drove (cross country almost) we would be taking the DOG – the large, drooling BOXER dog. And now, he is blaming me for what will be a very enjoyable experience…….. Ahhh 42 years of wedded bliss. LOL I know how lucky I am, just don’t like to tell him.

We have over 100 gallons of syrup, but we were hit with really cold weather and about 8 inches of snow. The taps are froze and the sap isn’t running right now. We are expecting it to be a record year. We haven’t really had a winter yet either, thank you – thank you – thank you. I can do without very nicely.

Take care

MiLo,

driving cross country with a hyperactive drooling boxer dog is my idea of HELL ON EARTH!!!! Oh, yea, keep from killing him!!!!

Yea, I worked nights, 11-7, and also 7-p to 7 A and I know about how your day off isn’t your day off and all that carp….ugh!

Well, have fun on your vacation. Seemed funny to me to not go to Texas this year in January to stay with my BF…have done it for years, but Son D is going to Texas for a living history event in March…I am staying home to mind the store while he is gone. I’d like to go too but too many dogs, pigs, and ducks as well as the parrot to get someone else to mind them. That’s okay, though, I really do want him to go and have a good time. He’ll be going with our friend and his drama queen wife…the friend couldn’t go without my son D and I’m not sure how many more events he will be able to make (at all) and it will give D some time to spend with other good friends and people we don’t see often. I’ll find some other entertainment to go to or something to do later on my own.

I fixed pancakes for supper with fake maple syrup and they sure were good on a snowy evening….I’m like you though, no need for cold weather. I can’t imagine living like EB does in the mountains with FEET of snow every winter.

MiLO, A RED manure spreader? IH? Ours was green, Deere.

Back when my spath x!husband started giving me cruel gifts with insulting meanings, I stepped up and gave myself presents, had flowers delivered, had custom select chocolates from our local candy store (really great chocolate.) and started mailing myself encouraging and loving cards. You might think to do so was whacked but I surprised myself b/c even though it came from ME, I ended up feeling cherished by the gesture and happy all day long. WHO KNEW!

Outside of the silly ads on the radio, I’ve all but forgotten about Valentines Day. And I work tomorrow anyway. I cannot remember the last time I celebrated it with anyone special. But if I ever do have someone special, I’m sure a flip will switch, and I’ll be sentimental about it again. And no problem, if the guy doesn’t give me a gift, I’ll just kill him. (kidding – I’m in a dark mood today).

Katy ~ Yep, IH – Actually, I really appreciated the gift and the thought behind it. It sure did beat the wheel barrow and PTO driven at that.

Like your idea of sending yourself the gifts. You deserved to be treated special and thank goodness you realized that. I don’t think it is whacky at all. My dear aunt would buy herself REALLY expensive diamond rings when her husband forgot holidays. He didn’t forget many after that.

I wish you all a very merry Valentine’s Day. I am going to buy a big box of chocolates and eat one piece for each and everyone of you fine lady’s and gent’s.
My x never bought me a valentine anything, or xmas or bd..but I did him and it would just piss him off ..one xmas I gave him present’s and he said angrily ” Do you know how small you just made me feel” oh well if the shoe fit’s…
But REALLY you ALL are very special to my heart, thanks so much for sharing a part of my life that I could never share with anyone else.
Ok I am going to the mailbox now and wait on EB’s valentine’s card she promised…
p.s. a piece of chocolate is better than a piece of shit any day ~!

Hens
Eat two for me b/c there is more of me to llllooooovvveee. heehee.

Oh hens, my ex never bought me those things either! We were together two Christmases and I never got a Christmas gift. Didn’t get anything last Valentine’s from him either. I got a birthday present and that was it. Guess I was lucky to get even that.

I found out today that there was probably a reason he has not contacted me since the break-up (Thursday it will be a month since it happened and 3 weeks of NC). He is seeing someone else!! He is channeling all his free time and emotions (what he has of those anyway) into this new girl and I am already a distant memory. Thinking about them being happily ever after is very troubling. It hurts and it’s insulting. Intellectually I know he is not normal and he never really loved me. Emotionally I am still catching up.
Well I am so glad I have not tried to contact him and that I had some pride in myself, even though at times I was curled up crying my eyes out….missing him (or rather the idea of what I thought we could have been). I dried my tears and went on with what I had to do every day. Prayer and strong support from my mom (who hated him) and of course this site have helped pull me through the darkest hours. I am now beginning to emerge on the other side, though the light is bright and sometimes hurts my eyes, I cannot shut them to what he really was. How he treated me. And I can tell myself it was NOT my fault and most of the time really believe it.

“p.s. a piece of chocolate is better than a piece of shit any day ~!”

LOL so funny! He was an utter piece of shit to me. I know if we were still together I would not be getting anything from him tomorrow. Oh I’m sure he’ll do something for his new vict–er girl. They are always SO sweet and too good to be true in the beginning, when they hook you and start reeling you in.

Vidya – You seem to have a good grasp on the reality of what he is soon after the break up.. You are gonna do fine I can just feel it.. Yes I also vision him lavishing someone else with love and gifts he never gave me. Mainly because he now realizes he damn well better or his ass will be in the dog house.. I think we teach them better relationships skills to use on the next victim..but maybe I am wrong..maybe his is still the self centered piece of poo he always was..
I was just an option for him, he left here in a much better situation than when he arrived…I hope he gives crabs to his new victim, if there is one – I dont have a clue what hes up to – I like it that way….no news is good news…
Katydid – Two for you darlin….

I, too, feel like I was an option for him. He began staying with me when he got a new job here in town. He lived with me for five months. When he left he commuted to work for two weeks from an hour away but had already started the process of getting an apartment. So now he had all this money he’d saved while staying with me, a new place, big new TV, lots of new computer monitors, new couch and furniture…and within just weeks a new girlfriend.

He left because he gave me an ultimatum. He insisted I give up a hobby I had 3 days/week to spend 7 days a week with him working on repairing the relationship. I told him I could not do that or I would end up resenting him. (It also seemed controlling to me.) A week later I finally acquiesced and said I would do it. Too late. He’d already put money down on the apartment that day.

Everything slid downhill from there. He did not make time to come over and talk about the relationship even though now he was in town. And he broke up with me the day I was in a wreck. Of course the failure of the entire relationship was laid at my doorstep. I apologized. I took all the blame. And he let me. And he never admitted ANY fault. And then he seamlessly moved on to the new girl, secure in the knowledge that I was the selfish one and he was never to blame.

I am feeling that life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one your gonna get, so don’t take any. I don’t think that made much sense, but it rings so true for me!

I think I will just go see a movie after work today to get my mind off Valentines Day. By the time I get home, it will be time to go to the gym. That will help the day pass by more quickly.

Star:

I would like to go to a movie today also, but not sure if I will have time to fit it in. I want to see “Shame.” Sounds good. I am meeting a girlfriend for lunch though and am going to stop by a cupcake shop and take her a special Valentine cupcake. It will make us both feel better!

Sounds like a nice day, Louise. I’m sure when I get to work, there will be chocolates and little pink cards from a bunch of my co-workers. They’re really into that stuff. It will be a challenge for me not to eat the chocolate. My paleo diet has been going so well. I haven’t heard of “Shame”. I’m going to see Albert Nobbs, a story about a woman who was forced to live as a man in order to survive probably in the 19th century. I love movies about people who had to overcome extreme adversity and who are loners. I relate more to those than characters in mainstream movies.

Star:

Do you mean Albert Nobbs with Glenn Close? It looks good. I hope you enjoy it. I normally only go to see the movies that are at the arts cinema…I don’t normally like mainstream movies.

Hi All , Happy Love Day to you all. Hug yourselves tight, buy yourselves sweets, and champaigne, fill a glass for ‘me’ and cheers to you all, ‘clink!’ . We are wonderful, loving , smart women and we ARE our own best friends. No one else will be there when we are dealing with these issues, but we are ALL here for us when its done and in the past. I don’t comment much, but do read. Vidya, do what KatyDid is doing, because that is how we love ourselves; and how we disassociate from the past where the s path crashed about our hearts unrestrained is OVER. They are OUT and not allowed back IN. We are protective now, we are wiser and smarter than ever now. We KNOW – now, WE ARE WORTH BETTER . So the better you all are to yourselves today, that is what you should expect from any ‘mate’ and NO LESS. Honesty, sincerity, and no games. I’ll take that in a Valentine’s day box anyday!!!
Im not going to eat candy, im going to thank God for my peace of mind, that the past is done and a beautiful future awaits outside my door. That’s my Gift, from God.
Happy Love Day!

Happy Singles Awareness Day (SAD, hee hee)….also known as Valentine’s Day.

Vidya- He won’t treat anyone, ultimately, any better than he treated you. He may have learned a bit (like Hens says) about wooing the next woman, and painting his ‘mask’ up a little more carefully. But the mask will peel, and eventually he will be ‘himself’, in all his gory ugliness. She will suffer the same fates that you did.

Try not to give it too too much thought. No one will get anything better than you did. He is what he is. There is NO getting around that.

I am eating red velvet cake for breakfast. Thanks to the nurse practitioner I work with. It has little hearts frosted on it. Yummy.

Love you ALL,
Slim

HI all!

I like “Happy love day” I am feeling pretty good today. It was a year ago that my spath left me. (Feb. 11) for the last time, for I had let him back into my life 3 times since I kicked him out in Sept. of 2010. I was so devasted. He wrote me a note and left it on my night stand. he went off and married another woman in March of 2010. I wondered if I ever was going to be able to get over him. Well, for all of you that are still in the first intial stages of healing… please, please note it does get better. I have been going to therapy and it is helping so much. I drew in another man that has a personality disorder and now I am detaching myself from him. He is not a spath, but there are red flags that things are not right with him. I am going to use the “no contact” rule with him as well. I am learning from my therapist that I may have a diease that is described in the book ” Women that love to much” by Robin Norwood. It is an amazing read and I can relate to this book so well. I believe that many of us on this site can benefit from reading it.
I have a wonder date planned for this evening. My daughter and I are going out to Red Lobster and we are going to go shopping. I am going to by myself a new robe. And every time I put it on, I will think that I am giving myself a hug. I will wrap myself up and say ” I love you” and mean it.

ps for those of you that don’t know my story… my ex spath showed up at my house on Christmas day…. he is not happy with his new wife. I was able to hear it myself ( it helped with my closure) but trust me when I say that all of you that haven’t been given an closure, just know that they are misrable. Each and everyone of them are completely and utterly misrable and they always will be. You can not change them. You can only change yourself. Love yourself and get professional help if you can. Also come back to this site often, it really helped in my healing. I used it pretty much everyday at the begining of healing, now I come on and read about once a week.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. We can help each other heal here. I feel the love here! Happy Love day, to all!

~Sadme

♥ ♥ ♥

Sky ~ me thinks Hens is going to be jealous that you can make little hearts.

Milo,
if he is, he can just make a :mrgreen: !

My ex spath didn’t even know my damn birthday, nevermind Valentines day (which he gave to others, just not me), or Christmas. Never got squat. I’m soooo glad I don’t have to be destroyed again this day.
Belgian chocolate, French roast coffee, and California wine are my ways of celebrating Valentines day, woo-hoo.
I highly suggest Cupcake vineyards red velvet wine. 🙂

Sadme ~ *Red Lobster* *Shopping with your Daughter* and a *New Robe* – That is my kind of Valentine’s Day.

Thank you for sharing your healing story. Great to hear it.

God Bless

Hello everyone,

It’s been a while since I felt a need to read LF or post on LF since I have been well on my healing path…but today struck me as necessary, since I blew it.

You see, I was just about all healed from my 5 year roller coaster relationship with the spath, going on almost 12 months of no direct contact but today he texted me “happy Valentine’s day” and the rage in me welled. I vowed at first NOT to respond, but I got so angry remembering how miserable every V day was and how DARE he wish me a happy V day that I just let it rip.

I asked him if he was cheating and lying to his new GF like he did to me on V day by going off to be with another woman, I asked him if he was lying to her telling her “I love you, you are the only one, I want to live the rest of my life with you” like he did me all the while using me as a nurse maid for his latest medical issue, a cook, his personal architect and arm candy……I asked him if he was still using her like he used me….he responded “I love you”!!!!!! I became more outraged ….and texted back, which led to several more agravating exchanges.

On one text he told me I was “so conflicted”, told me to “please release the anger, call it a truce and let’s call an end to this crazines”, to “make peace with my father so I cna move on” he appologizes of “all the pain I caused U”, “let the past go and move into happiness”…that “I have unique features but I am no longer a part of his life nor will I be in his life in the future”…..I assure him by saying “Thank God for that. I will never let you in my life again, you are a sick man”-“please leave me alone”….

Unfortunatly we travel in the same circle of ballroom dancers, so I have to see him from time to time and see how in love his new GF seems to be with him. I know about her through mututal friends and found her to be the perfect vicitm; The lady is 8 years older than him at 65, and a cancer survivor (like him), who is a retired social worker that specialized in dealing with abused children! She is available at his beck and call…she has been warned about who he is, yet she goes on lovingly taking care of him and looking adoring at the dances.

I am angry that this man is being loved and cared for by an older woman who he has charmed into his lies and manipulations. I am angry that he is using yet another woman! ….I am angry at myself for blowing up and responding to his text message….I still can NOT GET RID OF HIS POISON IN MY SOUL.

Happy Valentines Day to all! I love you all!!!
Since my divorce, my daughters have always celebrated the day with things they made in school for me and little presents they gathered up at the dollar store for me! I knew I was loved and still am….at least 2 of the 3 love me!

The only man I was involved with was one of those….”holidays are PAGAN…blah blah blah….
Never gave me a gift for xmas or b/day, mother’s day..etc.
NO romance! NEVER took me to an elegant resturaunt…

When I ended the r/s because I told him I am a traditionalist and I DO celebrate holidays…and I love “romance”….(like WRAPPING a gift you give to me…etc…

He basically told me I was “lucky” to have a loving caring man like him. I told him, “Great, we can be best friends, but I am not going to be intimate with a man who is not romantic”

He put me down for not wanting him….I told him I want to be treated like a ‘woman’…not just taken out to a pub for a beer and sandwich.

UGH!

NO SEX with this guy! NO romance, no affection outside of the bedroom, no sex!

So, we just talk on the phone, because he refuses to pay for even a movie for me if we aren’t b/f-g/f!

What a man!!! YUK

So, someday a wonderful man will enter my world……and I am NOT settling for less!!

PS- My spathD walked in today and went to the closet for some clothes…brought her little friend…..and left. No hello…nothing.

I didn’t even say a word. YUK again. lol

Aeylah,

Sorry you had such a rough day… that sucks that he did that to you. I remember the adreinline pumping through my veins when my ex spath started calling me on Christmas and then showing up at my house. I let him in, I should not have, but I did. I got to hear the empty words of his lies, but I was able to get some closure telling him that I am fine and that I had moved on from him. I was calm and cool and didn’t get all mushy with him. His wife contacted me by phone an email and got me stired up. I almost went off on her, but I just ignored her stupid messages and phone calls. It took a few days for me to get over that episode, but I am back to NO CONTACT. It was as if she was trying to pull me into the triangle again.
I am sorry to that you have to see your ex while you are dancing. To have something that you love be tainted by his evil. Just remember that you can not save the other woman. You can only save yourself.

I just got back from dinner with my daughter and I did buy a pink fluffy robe and some bubble bath. I took a long bubble bath by candle light and now am going to go snuggle up with my daughter and our dog and watch some sitcoms will dvr this week! It has been a very nice day.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

I was just listening to a radio show with a host i really like, and today’s topic was ‘modern love.’ One of the people he interviewed was an american researcher who was looking into the affects of ‘robot love’. she was very concerned about the goal to create robots that can fake empathy, as we are hard wired to bond when people offer us empathy. she was concerned that we are not asking enough of our human relationships, if robot love was the answer. i wanted to tell her we already have robot love in the world. we call them spaths.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

slim – ‘SAD’- good one! that’s what it is for many people, in the same way christmas is orphan awareness day.

i got a great lick on the forehead from a dog yesterday. knew that was what i was scoring this year.

i don’t dare open myself to the pain in my heart yet, would blow me apart.

Aeylah-Soory you had to find yoursel here again. Venting is good, don’t worry about the poison-you just spewed it out.

Congratulations on the no contact for that long, but he bit you and I think you defended yourself well. It would be nice I think if one day I am able to spew from a distance at mine.

sadme wrote:
“Just remember that you can not save the other woman. You can only save yourself. ”

Aeylah wrote:
“….who is a retired social worker that specialized in dealing with abused children!”

Wow….my spath ex moved on with another girl mere weeks after our split (probably had it in the works BEFORE the split). The new woman? Someone who works with abused / behavioral problem children!! You’d think these types of people, educated in human behavior, could spot who they are dealing with. Unfortunately the spaths are so good at weaving their tales, mirroring emotions and being “too good to be true” (at first) that it fools most people.
This woman has a young child, too.

She seems to be empathetic (because of what she does for a living) and vulnerable (single mom wanting what we all do–someone to appreciate them and love them). The perfect target.

I cannot warn her. It is not my place. And even if I tried there is no way she would believe me. She is smitten I am sure. If some girl had told me about him when we first began dating (and when he seemed too good to be true) I would have written her off as an angry and bitter ex (and he would have convinced me of that).
No, she will have to find out for herself.

Who knows? Maybe she has whatever it takes to make him into a good man. Damned if I could.

Louise, yes it was Albert Nobbs – the movie was okay. I wouldn’t say it was great. Interesting story, and Glenn Close is always amazing.

Aeylah,

Remember that spaths take “passive aggressive” to the utmost extreme – they invented it. They have NO empathy, so they will cause you to feel all the anger and hurt that they cannot feel. That makes them very very dangerous to communicate with. Even I felt angry at him reading what he said to you, and I was reminded of men in my history that said these types of things to me. Ugh

I don’t know if the anger that gets triggered is something you need to work through, or if it is just a kneejerk reaction to a spath attack. I think it’s really hard to communicate in any way with a spath and be unaffected by it. Best to just stay away.

I came home late tonight hoping that *some* man somewhere had maybe left me a voicemail or sent me an email. No such luck. After reading about some people’s spaths reaching out to them today, I should count my blessings.

Star:

Thanks for the movie update. I’ll wait to catch that one on cable 🙂

Stargazer,

Thanks for that reminder of the spath’s “passive agressive” behavour…it really helped to remind me what that comunication was all about. Adding insult to injury he added in his last text yesterday…”go in peace”!!!!! yeah right…I guess that was his projection of what he would like for himself.

Thanks everyone else for letting me vent and the reminders of why NC is THE ONLY WAY to go.

To this day it is still incredible to me how a person who is educated in psychology like the new GF in spath’s life can fall for such victim to such an abusive psychotahic personality. They are incredulous actors in the stage of the absurd….entrapping people with high levels of empathy and tolerance. When I let him know that I knew he was using this poor woman as his nurse maid for his recent medical issue he simply aknowledged by not saying anything.

Glad it not me anymore….

V-day can bring such mixed emotions and mixed signals when dealing with a spath. In my case, he will undoubtedly bring the gifts and the mushy card. But the real measure of a relationship is how one is treated the other days of the year. I think this man is playing mind games with me, as we recently had a huge discussion of our relationship (5 hours long) where ultimately he wanted me to see that most of our troubles lie in my inability to trust him. Since he cheated on me before (years ago) and I later found out about it. BUT he insists that this situation took nothing away (energy wise, time wise, etc) from his marriage/family time with me. AND he insists that he never lied to me. Deception, yes — he agrees to that but not the lying part. The 5 hour conversation was most likely rigged for me to see my ILLOGICAL thinking (according to him), and it was strange how he broke down many things to get me to answer such as “do you believe that I ever had a secret cell phone?” and wanting me to answer this question yes or no. Now I did find it very ODD that once his work called and said they couldn’t reach him on a number that I had never heard of but the office had it down for him. Of course, there is always an explanation for these things, ‘I don’t know how they got this number, but it was not mine and never has been mine.” ETC. Naturally when questionable things pop up (post affair) and I QUESTION them, he sees it as an inability to TRUST. Well, duh — yeah. I guess I have reason to!
Now after our 5 hour long conversation, I noticed that he left the computer out in our room and I admit I checked the history. There was all sorts of searches from earlier that day relating to SUICIDE. Like “how many sleeping pills does it take to kill someone” and “what is the insurance clause for suicide” and “how NOT to commit suicide” and quite a few more. Also a search for diazapam. Probably 8 – 10 things on this topic. I FEEL like (maybe) he wanted me to see this and then worry about him, like “OMG, he’s considering killing himself.” THEN I started to worry about maybe he is thinking about using this info to harm me….I spoke to my therapist about this and she believes that he left that stuff on there because he figured I would see it. MANIPULATIVE man that he is. Who does this I keep asking?? Yes, I know, a very sick manipulative person does this!! So, two days later, I looked at his computer again, and all of the stuff related to suicide was ERASED. But the other searches were still in there. He just selectively deleted the info related to suicide. WHAT is his point I keep asking myself…then I realized that whatever his point is it does not matter. Because he is obviously very screwed up in the mind and I don’t need to worry about HIM. I need to worry about ME.
Valentine’s day rolls around and I get many nice things from him, but always in the back of my mind is the fact that this is someone I do not trust and I do need to get myself off of the rollercoaster —- once and for all. Maybe next year, V-Day will be different.
Thank you for letting me vent this and any input would be really helpful and appreciated.

Oneday:

Have you ever considered leaving the marriage???

Definitely but realize that I need to do it carefully. I tried to leave years ago and should have followed through but I thought things would change. Silly me. Then when I had the “talk” about us splitting up years ago, I tried to do so in a mature, caring manner. He recently told me that I was spiteful in the way that I handled that attempted break up from years ago. You see I had picked him up from the airport after a trip and took him to dinner to talk about my plans to dissolve the relationship and why. He had wanted me to just NOT come to the airport at all and then got pissed when I did just to take him to dinner for the TALK. To this day he feels I was spiteful to go against HIS wishes to pick him up if I was only going to tell him I wanted to divorce. As I think of why this pissed him off so much I realize it is about CONTROL and how he wanted CONTROL of even that. PLUS, think about the ammo that he could tell everyone, “my wife is such a B because I came home from a trip and she left my a*s at the airport and wants a divorce.”
So yeah, I am definitely considering how I need to make this safe and secure and on MY terms this time. Thinking about his feelings only gets me more stuck.

Oneday:

I see. Well, be careful. From those searches he was doing on the computer, it’s hard to tell what he is thinking…killing himself or YOU?

Oneday-just seen your last comment. Seems to me maybe you do already get it. You tried the calm method of communication and can see he only got mad and did that because he wanted control.

Louise,
I agree, but what seems to “fit” him more is that those searches were just a huge, massive, mind-screw. Either way, it is SICK and disordered. I would bet that if I confronted him about it there would be some “plausible” explanation that he would come up with.

Oneday:

Oh, yeah, they ALWAYS have an explanation. They can explain away anything. But sounds to me like he is very smart because how did he know you would even look at the search history? Very cunning sounds like to me. Those types really need to be watched.

Justus5: I agree it is a game.
Louise — I think he knew I would see it because during our 5 hour relationshiat (love that word) conversation it came up that our problems are due to my not trusting him. He brought up how I checked cell phone records (and that is how I came up with a mysterious # that he had an “explanation” for), and so he knew (I think) that I would view his history browser. I really think he knew I would see this.
He is very cunning, very very intelligent. He also spent years in the military studying psychological warfare, deception and special operations. He has always looked out for #1 with the guise that he is looking out for his family.

Oneday:

You know, I have finally pinpointed a common thread I hear on this site…military. So many of these men have been or are in the military (mine was/is not). Very interesting. These militaristic men have a very controlling and domineering mindset.

Something strange occurred last night. I received an update email from my big love of a decade ago. He hadn’t mailed or spoken to me for over a year. Last time we chatted was when I was almost a year together with the spath, and he cautioned me about him, at the same time recognizing I probably just needed to try. Last year, around my birthday he appeared in my dream, and came to say goodbye. I had this deep impression that he had found someone to settle down with. But then he seemed to have disappeared, even other people on his facebook started to wonder out loud where he was, some of them worried.

And the past couple of months I was worried too, but thinking it would be best to let him decide when he’d get in contact. That moment was yesterday. And last year was not a good year for him either. From what I gather, he was at least engaged, but he messed up… This man is a very principled man and can feel very self-righteous about his principles, his ideals, and harsh when people do not live up to it. He had started to study ecology and the restoration of ecology. While it was totally his thing, it seemed to have fueled that self-righteousness insofar that he became confrontational over it. His brother was very angry over it with him, and that must have hurt him deeply, because his younger brother is the person he cares about the most… he’s very protective of him too. His roommates wanted him out, and his fiancee heard second hand of his abrasive nature and dumped him. He has isolated himself since then, gave up his studies, and has been contemplating on the poisonous state of society, but knows that he cast himself out. He knows he needs to rebuild again, but can’t seem to find the energy for it. He even hinted at a deathwish. It’s not the first time that he has slipped into depression, and he suspects it may be clynical. He mailed me in the hope that I could remind him of what is good in life and honorable again, for inspiration to climb out of the abyss again. And somewhere at the start of his email he confessed fearing that I might consider him a parasite like my ex.

I hadn’t even linked his mail to the valentine date, not until I was at the end of writing my first reply. His email needs at least one more reply in another few days, because it’s so deeply layered and speaking about so many things.

I have of course contemplated about several ex-es whether they were also elligible for being a spath, but he isn’t one of them. Yes, there has been intense magnetic attraction, he is adventurous, roams the world at times, hasn’t settled down (tried twice now), even expected open relationships, hasn’t built a career. But he’s also very honest, deception is an alien concept to him, and he’ very principled, lives by them and measures people by those same principles. Unfortunately he uses those principles as a protective shield, which can be quite harsh on those who care for him. And he knows shame and guilt, so much so that it is often this what propels him into a depression.

Anyway, I hope he gets well again.

Darwinsmom,
perhaps he is somewhere along the aspergers spectrum. The rigid rules and principles point to that.
He sounds like an INTJ personality.
http://www.personalitypage.com/INTJ.html
AKA. the scientist.

I’ve been reading about homeopathy recently and I’m beginning to think that it can be helpful for such people but only if they find a skilled homeopath.

I know that many people think homeopathy is quackery, but it has worked for me many times, especially a flu remedy and a magnesium remedy.

The thing that has convinced me the most is that I gave some to the spath without him knowing it and it WORKED immediately.

One day we had a trip planned in my car and I knew he was going to be a mega-jerk through the whole drive. I could tell he was planning to make me miserable. It just so happened that I had purchased some homeopathic stress tablets. I also know that the spath will take food that I’m eating (unless he’s poisoned it) and eat it himself if he thinks I’m enjoying it. So I filled a little candy dish with the stress mint tablets and put it in the car. As soon as he started his crap, I began munching on the sugary mints. As I anticipated, the spath began eating them too. He didn’t know what they were.

Then he noticed something and asked me what they were. I didn’t tell him right away. I said, “why do you ask?” He said, “because they are making me feel different.” I told him they are stress mints, “how do they make you feel?” He said, “less stressed. I don’t like it.”

He was calm the whole trip.

That was a single blind study. LOL! One Blind Spath.

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