Come Valentine’s Day, many unattached people, or people in less-than-fulfilling relationships, may be willing to accept less than they really deserve, just to have a few crumbs of “romance.” Sarah Strudwick writes that perhaps it’s time for a change. Read:
Happy pathological free Valentines Day, on WakingYouUp.wordpress.com.
Oneday:
Have you ever considered leaving the marriage???
Definitely but realize that I need to do it carefully. I tried to leave years ago and should have followed through but I thought things would change. Silly me. Then when I had the “talk” about us splitting up years ago, I tried to do so in a mature, caring manner. He recently told me that I was spiteful in the way that I handled that attempted break up from years ago. You see I had picked him up from the airport after a trip and took him to dinner to talk about my plans to dissolve the relationship and why. He had wanted me to just NOT come to the airport at all and then got pissed when I did just to take him to dinner for the TALK. To this day he feels I was spiteful to go against HIS wishes to pick him up if I was only going to tell him I wanted to divorce. As I think of why this pissed him off so much I realize it is about CONTROL and how he wanted CONTROL of even that. PLUS, think about the ammo that he could tell everyone, “my wife is such a B because I came home from a trip and she left my a*s at the airport and wants a divorce.”
So yeah, I am definitely considering how I need to make this safe and secure and on MY terms this time. Thinking about his feelings only gets me more stuck.
Oneday:
I see. Well, be careful. From those searches he was doing on the computer, it’s hard to tell what he is thinking…killing himself or YOU?
Oneday-just seen your last comment. Seems to me maybe you do already get it. You tried the calm method of communication and can see he only got mad and did that because he wanted control.
Louise,
I agree, but what seems to “fit” him more is that those searches were just a huge, massive, mind-screw. Either way, it is SICK and disordered. I would bet that if I confronted him about it there would be some “plausible” explanation that he would come up with.
Oneday:
Oh, yeah, they ALWAYS have an explanation. They can explain away anything. But sounds to me like he is very smart because how did he know you would even look at the search history? Very cunning sounds like to me. Those types really need to be watched.
Justus5: I agree it is a game.
Louise — I think he knew I would see it because during our 5 hour relationshiat (love that word) conversation it came up that our problems are due to my not trusting him. He brought up how I checked cell phone records (and that is how I came up with a mysterious # that he had an “explanation” for), and so he knew (I think) that I would view his history browser. I really think he knew I would see this.
He is very cunning, very very intelligent. He also spent years in the military studying psychological warfare, deception and special operations. He has always looked out for #1 with the guise that he is looking out for his family.
Oneday:
You know, I have finally pinpointed a common thread I hear on this site…military. So many of these men have been or are in the military (mine was/is not). Very interesting. These militaristic men have a very controlling and domineering mindset.
Something strange occurred last night. I received an update email from my big love of a decade ago. He hadn’t mailed or spoken to me for over a year. Last time we chatted was when I was almost a year together with the spath, and he cautioned me about him, at the same time recognizing I probably just needed to try. Last year, around my birthday he appeared in my dream, and came to say goodbye. I had this deep impression that he had found someone to settle down with. But then he seemed to have disappeared, even other people on his facebook started to wonder out loud where he was, some of them worried.
And the past couple of months I was worried too, but thinking it would be best to let him decide when he’d get in contact. That moment was yesterday. And last year was not a good year for him either. From what I gather, he was at least engaged, but he messed up… This man is a very principled man and can feel very self-righteous about his principles, his ideals, and harsh when people do not live up to it. He had started to study ecology and the restoration of ecology. While it was totally his thing, it seemed to have fueled that self-righteousness insofar that he became confrontational over it. His brother was very angry over it with him, and that must have hurt him deeply, because his younger brother is the person he cares about the most… he’s very protective of him too. His roommates wanted him out, and his fiancee heard second hand of his abrasive nature and dumped him. He has isolated himself since then, gave up his studies, and has been contemplating on the poisonous state of society, but knows that he cast himself out. He knows he needs to rebuild again, but can’t seem to find the energy for it. He even hinted at a deathwish. It’s not the first time that he has slipped into depression, and he suspects it may be clynical. He mailed me in the hope that I could remind him of what is good in life and honorable again, for inspiration to climb out of the abyss again. And somewhere at the start of his email he confessed fearing that I might consider him a parasite like my ex.
I hadn’t even linked his mail to the valentine date, not until I was at the end of writing my first reply. His email needs at least one more reply in another few days, because it’s so deeply layered and speaking about so many things.
I have of course contemplated about several ex-es whether they were also elligible for being a spath, but he isn’t one of them. Yes, there has been intense magnetic attraction, he is adventurous, roams the world at times, hasn’t settled down (tried twice now), even expected open relationships, hasn’t built a career. But he’s also very honest, deception is an alien concept to him, and he’ very principled, lives by them and measures people by those same principles. Unfortunately he uses those principles as a protective shield, which can be quite harsh on those who care for him. And he knows shame and guilt, so much so that it is often this what propels him into a depression.
Anyway, I hope he gets well again.
Darwinsmom,
perhaps he is somewhere along the aspergers spectrum. The rigid rules and principles point to that.
He sounds like an INTJ personality.
http://www.personalitypage.com/INTJ.html
AKA. the scientist.
I’ve been reading about homeopathy recently and I’m beginning to think that it can be helpful for such people but only if they find a skilled homeopath.
I know that many people think homeopathy is quackery, but it has worked for me many times, especially a flu remedy and a magnesium remedy.
The thing that has convinced me the most is that I gave some to the spath without him knowing it and it WORKED immediately.
One day we had a trip planned in my car and I knew he was going to be a mega-jerk through the whole drive. I could tell he was planning to make me miserable. It just so happened that I had purchased some homeopathic stress tablets. I also know that the spath will take food that I’m eating (unless he’s poisoned it) and eat it himself if he thinks I’m enjoying it. So I filled a little candy dish with the stress mint tablets and put it in the car. As soon as he started his crap, I began munching on the sugary mints. As I anticipated, the spath began eating them too. He didn’t know what they were.
Then he noticed something and asked me what they were. I didn’t tell him right away. I said, “why do you ask?” He said, “because they are making me feel different.” I told him they are stress mints, “how do they make you feel?” He said, “less stressed. I don’t like it.”
He was calm the whole trip.
That was a single blind study. LOL! One Blind Spath.