Getting off the Valentine’s Day rollercoaster

Yup, he’s an introvert, judgemental, philosophical and intuitive… I got burned by his judgementalness once. Our romantic relationship ended over me expressing a fear it might go wrong. Only afterwards did I realize this had taken him by surprise. He then claimed to not love me. It took me months of battling between my mind and heart, where my heart won out in a dream to validate for myself that he actually did love me as deeply as I loved him. But what he feared was my apparent need of intimacy. It was this he realized he could not fill in the way he feared I needed it. And he realized it, when he wa suddenly confronted with my fears, while he thought everything was going well. He begged for forgivance for hurting me so much four months after breaking all contact with me. He realized he had dealt with me rash and harsh. Since then we’ve had the strangest and yet most satisfying and most beautiful form of cumminication… our emails read almost like dreams. We use image language. Our mails are full of symbolism, layer after layer. It’s almost as if we step into the mythological dreamworld. They’re all reflective of content in relation to events in our lives. In a way, we have become each other’s confessor. While we have never been physically intimate with each other after the break-up, and have seen each other only twice afterwards… our communication is the most intimate I know. We express and lay our souls to bear in those emails. And yet we write each other, often not knowing what is happening in each other’s life, and writing exactly that which the other needs to hear.

I have asked himin my first response to tell more about his depressions, how they creep up to him, and inquired whether he’s seeing a therapist. I hope to learn some more soon. I’ll probably won’t be getting a response though before a couple of weeks have passed.

That is indeed one mighty blind study…lol

Sky,

I want to thank you for your suggestion. I think you are right about the asperger spectrum. This morning I suddenly remembered he had a bit of a strange hopping walk, a bit clumsy too. It wasn’t something overtly, but it had the aspect of it. And the link about “the scientist” it completely solved the issue he had with me when he broke up with me. I visited him, with such built up expectations, and needed affectionate reassurance. He spent his time doing stuff with me, even held me once in his sleep, and was affectionate when making love, but he wasn’t overtly affectionate otherwise, and it made me incredibly insecure. The moment I expressed my fears, he drew back. Later I did realize he was actually surprised when I confessed my fears. I always thought it was because he had commitment fear, but you gave me the insight that he truly felt there wasn’t anything wrong, until he learned I was becoming insecure. He blamed me for that, called me needy. I actually do associate love with lots of affection, from a positive experience: my parents were always affectionate to each other and towards me… hugging, kissing… and I have a high need in feeling able to do that with the person I love, not just receiving it. I’m a hugger: I hug and kiss my friends. Around him I became self conscious and did not feel as free and confident to be that affectionate.

In a way, it was a big misunderstanding from both sides on physical communication. Kinda really stupid, knowing that we were and always have been such an intellectual match.