By | January 25, 2012 22 Comments

Gratitude and Miracles

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

It is easy to get caught up in the pain and suffering and not see all the good.  Often times, when we are most hurt, it is difficult to see anything but pain and evil.

The world is full of good, selfless giving, love and miracles.  We just need to look for it!  I like a saying I once heard that goes like this”¦

“You are what you pay attention”

This is true for me because when I am grateful, I feel good.  And when I feel good, I anticipate good things and miracles.  If I am looking for these things, they tend to materialize.

Today I am grateful for all of you here at Lovefraud.

I am grateful that we can share with each other and heal together.

I am grateful for those that have helped me along the way.

I am grateful for my family, my health and my life.

I am grateful for Miracles.

Miracles are expressions of God’s love and they are not random events.  We can participate in the process that invites them into our lives.  That process is helping others heal.

Miracles are a correction in our lives.  It is God doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.  There is so much talk of evil on this website, and rightly so, but there is something else that is so much more powerful.

That powerful force is the unconditional love of our creator.  When we begin to trust it, miracles happen.  When we help another human being and bring hope into a hopeless situation all of mankind benefits.

This is the solution.  Be grateful, focus on helping each other and learn to trust God’s love.  Yes, there are different ideas on what love is, but the most helpful “worldly” image for me is the unconditional love of a mother for her child (not the imitation that many of us were harmed with).

Hope you don’t mind if I use a little scripture today.  This turned out to be my experience”¦thank God!

James 1:2-12

Trials and Temptations

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

9 Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. 10 But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. 11 For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.

 12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

Now that’s A Promise I can live with!  Peace.

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Ox Drover

Travis, I agree very much that we should seek miracles and focus on the good in our lives that sometimes the pain makes it difficult for us to do…..”happiness I think is a by product of the small joys of every day life” combined with with noticing them.

After my divorce years ago left with poverty and two tween aged boys I felt pretty badly all the time lfocused on the things we didnt’ have any more….but one day the kids and I were outside. I had a water hose as I worked on cleaning and repairing a chair. It was hot and I squirted one of the boys as he innocently passed by me, of course he came back and tried to wrestle the hose from me, so we ended up on the ground wrestling over the hose, then his brother came by and of course we tlwo attacked him with the hose….before long we were all three rolling around on the ground laughing an d grabbing for the hose. Wet, dirty, laughing and I realized at taht moment that WE WERE HAPPY…not just that moment but happiness had crept up on us as a by product of our lives.

sharing the journey



Littlewhitehorse ~

First and foremost ((hugs)). What you are doing with the memory box is bittersweet. I have kept one for each of my children and now for Grand. He does the same thing, hands me things he wants in there. While in therapy, he made a “treasure box”, just for him and all his treasurers. Maybe something like that for each child, plus your memory box. Let them pick out what they want in their “treasure box”. If they choose to put some of the upside down pictures in there, let them and don’t be upset.

Yes, yes, yes, our children are our miracles. I would get angry that my P/daughter would show no attention to her son, never visit, never come to any of his functions or special events. I no longer get angry, I am the one in the first row of his band recital, basketball game, horse show, etc., cheering with tears running down my face because I am so proud. I am the one experiencing the MIRACLE that is my Grandson. She is the one missing out on life’s most precious gift. He is 11 years old and HE KNOWS, he knows who has always been there and he LOVES me for it. He still keeps some pictures of his “mom” in his treasure box, but HE KNOWS.

Stay brave and true to who you are.


Oxy ~ I love that story, makes me feel like I was there.

Travis ~ thanks for the reminder – Miracles – I am going to go out and enjoy one today. I am going to see my neighbor’s week old baby girl. If I am really lucky, I will get to hold her, ahhh the touch and smell.

Well, I’m off.


Thank you. I enjoyed this article. I do believe in miracles, I have come to realize it can seem impossible to see them unless we are actively looking.
“Miracles are a correction in our lives. It is God doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.” This phrase speaks volumes to be.
Jr. was my miracle. If it wasn’t for him I don’t think I would have ever had the strength to leave the spath. Not for many years or until I ended up dead…due to his violence or what felt like my own insanity.
It’s ironic that the spath was actually a biological product of what ultimately saved us. Sometimes this thought blows my mind. You see I would never undo Jr…ever… but it has been a rough road. Something I had never anticipated, planned for or would have wished on anyone..not parenthood but the relationship with the spath.
It’s getting better…with every day that passes I just need to remember humility and gratitude. while i rebuild my life and create a new heathy life for my son.
It’s taken 14 months and it still hurts. there are still so many things I need to do, learn and act on…
But I pray and do the best I can…from where I’m at today. Where I am at today is not where I was at yesterday and it won’t be where I’m at tomorrow. I really do believe we all need to take this one day at a time.
I personally am beginning to feel the joy come back into my life…it’s a slow process but seems to be happening.
God bless all..the sociopath is only as powerfull as we allow them to be. It’s so very hard…

Ox Drover

Whitehorse, I know you addressed your question to Travis, but I’ll tell you how I handled my photos…I took the ones of my son after about age 12, and I burned them. My “son” died/left/was stolen about age 12 and the man that took his place was a stranger. Someone I don’t know. So I burned all those pictures. Buried my “son” as well.

You might ASK your kids what they want done with the pictures that are face down. Since essentially you are building these books for them, I think they should have a say if pictures of daddy dearest are to be included.

I chose to keep the photos of my son when he was less than 12, when he was sweet and cute and I so enjoyed him. I doubt that my boys will want to keep them but they can throw them out when I am gone if they’d like. Won’t hurt my feelings at all.

What ever you decide, I would talk it over with your children before you burn the photos, but I bet they will care little about his photos.


Oxy ~ I’m thinking along the lines of the pictures are of the illusion of their Dad, the man he maybe never really was, but somehow proof that he existed.

If that makes sense. Whatever the outcome, I would not read too much into their decision, Littlewhitehorse and don’t be upset by it, it is not a reflection on you.


Little White Horse,
I have not decided what to do with the 25 years of memories I have. ALL of which included the spath. Actually, my whole life was lived with spath family members and I can’t undo that too.

I can’t deny my life, just because there were evil people in it. Otherwise it would be as though I never existed just because everyone who was in my life was a fake. I was real and my experiences were real. This is important to me. The evil ones did shape me and have an impact on me. I learned the lessons I needed from them. So, although I don’t reminisce on the pictures, I’m keeping them put away.

New Beginning


I have been in the process of going through my Mother’s things as she passed away earlier in 2011. Among these are many family photos from her childhood and wedding photos of her parents. Her father died when I was very young, never really knew him though I do know he never once hugged any of his children so most likely there were “issues”. Included among these are many photos I had never seen and I so enjoy seeing the history of my Mom’s life. Very precious to me. It’s my family, my roots.

Regarding photos of my ex, including the wedding album; I packed them away and it’s unlikely any one will set eyes on them again until after I am gone. Then it will be my son’s choice and perhaps that of his children.

The worst of the memories of my ex evolved in the hundreds of ah-ha moments I’ve experienced. The photos were of happy times and perhaps my son and his children will find comfort in them one day.

That’s just what works for me. Each of us has to do what is necessary to move on and rebuild.

LWH, be strong and be well. ((((hug))))


Post Script: Also wanted to add that a local “distant” relative has been tracing the family tree and also organizes gatherings of all the relatives cousins many times removed. Interesting thing is there are many, many branches however no information can be found on my great-grandfather except his birth date, date of marriage and date of death. It’s like he didn’t exist.

Ox Drover

I’m having trouble finding anything about about my P sperm donor’s maternal grandfather. I do know the man was a Methodist circuit riding preacher, and that he had 4 at least wives, and 2 wives at the same time…I suspect he may have been high in P traits….maybe he didn’t think his current wife was pretty enough to be the first lady of the church. LOL (sorry Newt!)

Anyway, can’t find much about him, and his daughter my paternal was definitely high in P traits, she was Universally disliked by everyone who knew her. She became a physician but did not practice long as she died of female cancer after practicing for about 4 years Her husband, also a physician, probably would have been glad if she had decided to practice in India.

So except for the few stories I have about my paternal grandmother who died before I did, there won’t be much about what kind of woman she was in any records future generations will find. That is one reason I published the book about that side of the family. At least the stories won’t die with me.


Oxy ~

I was all excited about doing geneology work on my family, but not for long ……

Most of my investigations turned into a “WHAT????” – He did WHAT??? No way !!!! She did WHAT????? with WHO??? No way !!!

Then there was the conversation with my 85 year old Dad. “Dad, do you remember that nursing home you just hated to visit your grandmother in?” “It wasn’t a nursing home at all, it was an insane asylum!” Dad to Milo “I always wondered why there were bars on the windows, smelled bad too.” Turns out, after having 5 boys g-granny really, really wanted a girl. So – she told everyone that # 6 was a girl, dressed him like a girl then actually attempted to surgically alter him into a girl.

End of geneology – some things better left to the imagination.

New Beginning

Oxy, it definitely sounds like there are many people who eradicated evidence of the P’s in their lives!

Shortly after my recent post about no info being available for my great-grandfather, it dawned on me that over the years my parents occasionally spoke of two mysterious deaths of females in the family. Both females had married offspring of Patrick (my great grandfather) and succumbed to unusual accidents.

Funny comment about your great grandfather’s fourth wife. Ah yes, could be as simple as her not being pretty enough to be the “first lady” of the church. You know how the s’paths are about appearances.

What is the book you published? I found a handwritten family tree among my mother’s things in the handwriting of my grandmother but it was her family, not my grandfather’s. Sad that some of this information is forever lost.

sharing the journey


Many thanks for the responses. Unfortunately I deleted it by accident and I just can’t write it again. But thanks for understanding.


I’m glad I made you happy. I like doing that.

Milo-what a gift you have in your grandson. I can’t wait for mine to start arriving. I’ve even got myself sorted. I think I will be hopefully a wee fat jolly granny.


I was thinking of taking out all photos from the wedding album of me and family and put the rest face down. It meant something to me.

When I have that all done-I will let the kids choose all they want from the face down ones and then burn the rest.These will go into their individual memory box.

And Milo–Thanks. but I won’t be upset-it’s their dad and they have their own feelings and memories regarding him that have to be validated. But like you-they know who truly loves them.

Grand is so lucky to have you and I would be so jealous of you having him if I did not still have a young un at 14.

Skylar-your amazing. A crazy background and marriage made you-you. I have found it quite healing sorting through old photos. Perhaps if you gave it a bash you might find some meaning in your own memories.

Just a thought.

Thanks again for your support.


New Beginning


Wow, that must have been quite a surprise. I think I’d pass on geneology too. As a matter of fact, I may just stop where I am. Best to focus on what lies ahead instead of the past.

Be well.



New ~

That’s exactly how I felt. At the time I was about 55 and said if I lived all that time without knowing this stuff, why start now. LOL

New Beginning

So true, Milo!


I believe in miracles. They are always around us, but when you are with a spath, you truly can’t see these miracles.

For me, spath took so much of my positive energy and time and converted everything wrong every moment, that I didn’t my boys growing up without mom, right in front of my eyes. I was too focus making this guy happy who decided not to be pleased with anything.

So when he was gone, I felt so empty, like I was fired from a job, and suddenly don’t know what to do with my new developed to please a spath. Slowly I had to step up to became a mother again, when I lost 4 years of their life in the trap of spath.

And I asked for forgiveness from them, and suddenly I felt my 10 years old is acutally 30 years old, he got matured so fast. Now after working so hard for almost 3years, when there was discussion going among us, that difficult childhood makes you stronger, my younger son who is now 13 years old said, well than I will not be strong, I said why, and he said because I have an happy childhood. I almost cried when I heard, because I thought I damaged him for his life.

This was a true miracle. And if we can take care of our children even among all the difficulty we are facing internally, we are truly doing a lot better than when we were with spath….

Ox Drover

Oh, my goodness Milo, and I THOUGHT MY FAMILY WAS SCREWED UP!!!!! I don’t blame you for not wanting to delve into such a family as that! WOW!!!! We must be KIN!!!! Oh, my goodness! Me and you and Hens! Wacked out families! I just saw your response today! Some how this thread got buried. LOL

Ox Drover

Dear My heart,

I”m glad that your son has had a “happy childhood” and I hope it continues to be happy for him as he goes through the teenage years! Congratulations to you!

There is life after the psychopath! Just keep on living it, and learning and enjoying those sons!


Thanks OX Drover for kind words. Yes I am trying to enjoy them, it is hard, but life is going in one line. No more turmoil.


I feel so grateful for this site. Thank you Donna for creating it! Just knowing this exists feels so comforting and chips away at the feelings of isolation that life with and after an spath can create.

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