Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Ingrid.”
I met my Sociopath over 10 years ago and just like in all the books and blogs I have read as of late fell hard and fast for what I thought was honesty as he would look me right in the eyes and tell me everything any women wants to hear ”¦ you know how beautiful I was, how he wishes he would have met me in his twenties, how we are so much alike, blah, blah, blah.
Unbeknown to me he was gathering all the information he would need later to control my every move and thought and that he did with DIABOLICAL AND METHODICAL precision and I being the honest and open hearted person I am I believed him.
My Sociopath used and manipulated me financially, sexually anyway he could to further his EVIL existence.
I also told this TROLL a month after we met, when we were having what I thought was a heart to heart, that I wanted to have children as I was only 37 when we met and in amazing shape physically and knew I wanted children and also to be married again, to which this TROLL responded he would love to have ‘ANOTHER’ child.
I write ‘another’ as he already had two of his own from his first marriage (which he more than used to pull at my heart strings and have me do whatever he needed for them, financially and physically as a Mother figure). We even waited a full year for me to meet the kids (my idea, for I wanted to make sure he and I were going to stay together before I met his children).
Looking back now there were many RED FLAGS, but I believed him when he told me it was his EX that was the SELFISH ONE????? WOW HOW DUMB DO I FEEL NOW!!!
Nonetheless, about six months after meeting the children he had to sell his home, as according to him, his employer gave him the option of moving out of town and taking a management position there or getting packaged out??? (Of course I now know this was a lie, he got fired).
I paid for his moving expenses, as he was already crying wolf as far as money goes, and already had me so well hooked and baited that I was viewing us as a married couple, for he would call me his “wife” when referring to me, when speaking on the phone or to others.
After moving in with me, he proceeded to lie around and not even bother to look for work, as he continued to tell me that a guy his age most companies do not want to hire and it is hard to get a job????
Of course I the dumb dumb at the time believed this, but again the RED FLAGS were everywhere and kept popping up like weeds and why I ignored them ”¦ well because he was such a NICE guy, and by that time he knew just what to say to make me feel like I am such a bad person for always “NAGGING” him about not making a more concentrated effort to try to find work????
Keep in mind all the while I am running my own business, paying for EVERYTHING, he is driving my vehicle which I am paying for, using my credit cards, and lastly I and my loving sister are taking care of his children, because he is “depressed,” but strangely still went out to “meetings” telling me that this may be the “BUSINESS VENTURE THAT IS GOING TO MAKE IT BIG AND SOLVE ALL OF “OUR” PROBLEMS,” yet all that ever came of these meetings was him coming home to me and HIS children waiting for him with beer on his breath and of course no results from the meeting other than more money being put thru on MY CREDIT CARD and DRIVING MY CAR WHILE INTOXICATED and not to mention how many times I asked him not to do so.
The final knife in the heart was when I found out from one of a plethora of women he was hooking up with that not only this TROLL had a VASECTOMY, he is sleeping around NOT USING ANY PROTECTION!!!
10 plus years of my LIFE GONE!!! I WANT JUSTICE FOR MY UNBORN CHILD/CHILDREN never mind the ridiculous amount of MONEY this parasite conned and defrauded from me!!!
Ingrid – What a terrible experience. The guy targeted you from the very beginning, and took advantage of your good nature. I hope he gets what he deserves.
He is a tortured soul.
You are a normal person.
I am so sorry for you pain and misery as the lies, manipulation, cheating and parasitic life are hard to comprehend.
It’s unfortunate but I believe there are twice as many of these people running around than most people think.
What are you doing to take care of you right now?
Getting rid of him is first order and it sounds like you have done that.
Please don’t expect any answers or explanations from him.
You will never get them.
As Donna states above, he will get what he deserves.
Hugs to you,
A psychopath is not tortured and they do not have a soul. They are pure evil.
I hate to say it but you are right, they are pure evil.
I believe you should not be sorry for being a truly loving caring sincere person and please do not give up. I am sorry to hear that you might have missed the chance of having kids. I hope it is not too late… maybe those two kids of his maybe for the first time of their lives learned what sincere feelings are and what true affection is thanks to you. I think we more or less experienced these so there are people out there who can understand the way you feel. The world needs good people like you….
Be grateful you did not have children with a psychopath. It is genetic and there is nothing worse than wondering if your child has the gene or if they are just being held as a minion. I am going on 50 years suffering from having his children. I do hope you find a good man to have children with.
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I don’t believe that having children with a sociopath will make more just by the gene factor. The narcissistic nature is a personality disorder that has been proven started with lack of nurturing from the mother, over acknowledgement of their son’s looks and some kind of trauma. The rage and mood swings comes from possible bipolar which is genetic, maybe I’m wrong I am not a doctor just read and listen a lot. When we ignore the abuse in front of our children, when we allow the system tell us how to handle divorce or force us to take co-parenting courses saying it is two sides that caused the distress and to “just get along” with the abuser thats when our children could grow up like their father’s Or Marry someone like their father’s. I pray everyday, my daughter does not marry someone like him and I talk to her about it, I show my kids my parents holding hands or acknowledge healthy couples, maybe a scene in a movie where a man and woman show love in a scene. Most important I show them love because love is the most powerful medicine, weapon and protection we have. Don’t fear the children will grow like him, they need us more then anything. xo
Don’t give up on the kids or on your dream of having a child. You sound like a strong woman and I do believe that its women like you that can make a difference. It starts with the children. Teaching them about the silent abuse, showing them authentic love and devotion by using our greatest assets as woman: being able to nurture them. Be their rock so they will have a chance to live and find healthy relationships. These men are master mind manipulators, but not because they are brilliant because they have spend years trying to perfect it. The more they get away with the more powerful the become and just like vampires the need to feed on the weak. Society however, must take a closer look and become educated with the epidemic of Sociopaths. The control and power has been manipulated and we must change that way of thinking. We, the Victims can’t change unless we stop being powerless. Thats how they found us to begin with so that they can create a stage of falseness with half truths and manipulation. The clever, sociopath with use that against the Victim as they begin to heal and find their power. They will twist, they never stop setting the stage because this is what they do. Victims are tired and exhausted from all the drama, we sometimes give up and let them get their way. Is that the answer? Their tone of voice, their ability to “sound” and “appear” remorseful is uncanny. We need to speak out more and not be afraid. I was so afraid in the beginning and I still have weak days, but I know I am getting stronger and so will you.
I ask myself why am I attracted to this type? After my divorce its like I have a sticker on my head calling all narcissistic and sociopaths to my direction. The wounds I have, are very deep my faith in God can help me to heal them because I can not do it on my own! You can not do it on your own! I don’t know your faith, but I do know its important to know you are not alone. These men are predators with masks of, “Prince Charming,” “the responsible one,” “the remorseful caring and changed one,” “the intelligent one,” and yes they also play the “victim.” Many sides and what ever angle you or side you are on, be aware they will play the opposing role, especially after divorce or leaving them.
My ex was arrested and the court ordered a protective order (no I didn’t I was still in denial). News got out in our small town and he decided to write letters to our neighbors and friends about his side of the story. He called my family and my own father a week before he was arrested to “set up his stage” that he was leaving me and couldn’t take it anymore. I was threatening to leave him that week and he was ready and prepared. Another night he attacked me for no apparent reason. I was trying to talk about our toxic, relationship and how to make it better for all of us and he jumped up without warning and charged at me. I grabbed the closet thing I could find, which was the iron rod from the fireplace. He backed away behind the couch and started laughing that condescending laugh and said, “look at you You are crazy.” He had so much power over me at the time, I remember looking down at myself and thinking “oh my gosh I am crazy.” He then left the room and he walked away saying, “My turn to protect myself!” I got myself together, put down the iron rod, grabbed a water bottle instead and followed him to the dinning room where I heard him talking on the phone. I asked, “who are you talking to?” He kept talking and smiling at me and as his phone. I asked him who he was talking to? He just smiled a smirk and then in front of me while he was looking at me he yelled into the phone, “please come quick!” He had called 911 and he had falsely accused me of attacking him. That betrayal was worse then the affair or anything else and it planted a seed in me. When the police got there I had to wait upstairs, I was hysterical crying (the one out of control). I heard the police asking him if he wanted to press charges and then I heard them laugh together. He did not press charges but the fact that he had convinced the police without a shred of proof that I was his attacker and that I could have been falsely arrested made me feel that I would never get help. No one would believe me, I was alone the exact place my ex husband wanted me to feel. A place he could continue to manipulate or remind me that “everyone says you are this or that, your family thinks this or that,” It was a hopeless place a place he used to reaffirm all my flaws and all the problems were stemmed from me. I knew the police, the lawyers and the justice system would never help me after that. I still tried with my lawyer when we were getting divorced but no one wanted to look at it as abuse, it was pushed under the carpet and I was even asked my by my lawyer one day in her office, “Are you a Victim?” In that ol’ familiar condescending tone. I said no, not anymore but inside I had to hide the pain I felt.
Certain family members, friends would believe him over me. Why? Is it just because he is so good at conning everyone? Is it because I am a woman? Or is it simply because I also contributed to “setting the stage” of our marriage? Pretending everything was ok? Keeping the truth at bay for fear I would someday be alone? He brought the money home, took care of the bills, did not want me to interfere with any of it. I did fight my way back to College and did get me degree at 42, right before my divorce, but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Where did I get my strength? The same place we Mother’s, woman and natural nurturers get it, our children.
I do believe we need to put our Victim hats away after some time healing and not let society judge us, which we all know they do. We have to be stronger then anyone, then any system in order to change this. The irony is we have to hide our wounds before anyone takes us seriously and to do that we have to “fake it till we make it.” Fake it to the world that we are not Victims anymore and have grown from our experiences but in our heart those triggers inside will always remain and we need to be kind to ourselves. I pray that God continues to be my strength, my anchor and that my children become empowered and grow happy and healthy. They were my strength all along.
I hope that my story helps you to know that you are not alone, even though we are different we hold a common bond where I pray that all woman of domestic violence will begin to grab onto. I will always fight for change with a loving heart and I Know that if we stick together with our stories and stop being afraid to open up, stop pretending that everything is ok, face the truth that change will happen and our children will have the rewards of our courage and strength. We need to heal first, be educated and learn how to control our emotions in order to use them more effectively. God Bless!
Oh Ingrid, I am so very sorry. What a Loss. My heart aches for you !
but there are many children out there looking for just YOU to be their Mom.
maybe our stories are about the Lemons. Please write us back later, about the Lemonade. If you were able to survive this and you will ? and have ?! then you will make somebody (ies) very special Mom.
Nothing is really wasted. We just have to get a little more creative and you most certainly have all the right stuff yourself.
I am so sorry. I have a little girl with a N. She has been his key in/out of my life. While he did not need my financial help, he is a narcissist at the very core. I am reading every book I can get my hands on, I have changed my number, I have closed my social media off, and I pray and just take it one minute at a time. He now only has an email to get in touch with me. I suffered through an extra year with him trying to force bonding with him and our daughter. I still at the time thought that she could possibly have his “love” while I have never been able to truly attain it. It’s been very difficult grasping the idea that he is truly incapable of true love. I had only thought it was my failures or my resistance to his “vision”. Hopefully day by day as I white knuckle my desk-I keep him at a low/no contact and realize that HE is the reason he doesn’t and won’t have a relationship with his daughter. I pray that I am a good enough mother to hopefully keep her “daddy” issues at a minimum. We are still in the very beginning stages of our break-up. So he’s quiet- he’s waiting on me to crawl back as I have always done, I’m doing to do my best to not too.
Don’t give up! Its hard but its doable and the reward is you are going to help your daughter by giving her the opportunity to have a healthy life with your emotional support and there will be others in her life to bring out all the good. Have faith and be strong. God made you her mother for a reason. 😉
So Please hang in there and allow yourself to work through the anger.