Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
rblue,
I am willing to bet that HE DID get your email about ending it and moving on and he called you and left you his oh-so-loving voice mail on purpose before responding later to your email. Why would he do this?
1. He pours it on thick while PRETENDING he didn’t see your email so that he can then ratchet up your pain when he
2. responds to your email, which by the way was the best thing you could do for youself.. end it and move on… because then you are doing something to take care of your well being (he cares nothing for your well being by the way) They HATE when we take care of ourselves!!!
3. Then he can spin the WHOLE THING on you so then you can feel like this is all your fault… that you left a good man.. a good man that only wants to share his life with you and be there for you and your son… so that he can model for your son how to be an emotional abuser and your son can grow up in a home where he watches his mother’s thoughts be totally consumed by a jerk and witnesses you in total mental anquish all the time in the name of LOVE.
See how BAAAAADDDDD you feel for hurting him?! He chose you because he KNOWS you CAN’T STAND to hurt people. That is what makes you an excellent victim for a Sociopath.
I am being very straight with you. I am not being mean but you need to snap out of this. Put a STOP to this. By the way, you do not need to say goodbye to a Sociopath or explain “Why” or let him know it’s over and you are sorry for hurting him. He is not “hurting” like you are I would hurt. HE is annoyed because he is losing contol over you.
The reason we preach “NO CONTACT” is because we know from personal experience that that is the only thing that works. Many of us tried to end things nicely, or in my case to say, “Hey, ya know maybe we just dont’ work… no one needs to be wrong here.” The Bad Man WOULD NOT let me go with my head held up. As long as there was contact, it was all about me and how I wronged him and how I left a good man and how any other women would want what he was offering. If you leave them, you must bleed emotionally for you have wronged them.
Sweetie… This is a GAME and YOU ARE LOSING RIGHT NOW. Sociopath will TORMENT you and they WILL WIN if you play.
The fact that you are SO tormented tells us that you have the real deal one your hands. People are not tormented like this in REAL love relationships.
NO CONTACT.
CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
GET YOURSELF TOGETHER.
BE A SINGLE MOM WITH ONE INCOME.
YOU WILL BE OKAY. (weren’t you surviving before he came along?)
Listen, there are all kinds of trouble to get through in life and there are no problems that a Sociopath will solve for you in your life. He will only MAKE PROBLEMS and ANGUISH.
If you want to know more about the problems you can look forward to, keep reading at LoveFraud.
And see if you can find some counseling. There are often free or very low cost counselors through YWCA. Let the screening person know you may be a victim of a Sociopath. Or find a Women’s Crisis Support. Look on your County Website… Search the Internet. Find some support. And keep coming here.
We know you are struggling. We have been there. The answer to every question you pose about this man, every angle… do we think he is one. YES WE DO! You have told us enough already and there is no twist that will win us over.
And we are routing for you. We really are.
And one more thing… Go read my essay again about SNAPSHOTS. Ask yourself, are you being in love with your thoughts of love? I did that. It didn’t work. Don’t listen to your thoughts to love. Look at how you are being treated… he is lying, cheating, tormenting. I seriously doubt that the other woman is lying. And if she is even a tiny bit, what is her prize… a lying, cheating, manipulating, tormenting, Sociopath.
Rblue,
I just got word today that a friend of mine who had gone back and gone back and gone back to her sociopath, came home after going to her daughter’s for a week when the daughter had a baby and her P had moved out—left her with nothing, not even a running vehicle or food in the house….moved in with another woman…no notice at all. Hadn’t made a house payment (my friend had invested her money in a house in HIS name only) hadn’t paid any bills (inn my friend’s name) and essentially gave her the FINGER and left her high and dry.
You can bet if you go back to him, that he will do that or worse to you—over and over and OVER AGAIN.
At least my friend does not have any small children to worry about or to take care of, she is an adult with grown children.
This man has lied to her from the get-go, and will always lie to her, use her…I think, I hope, that she will not go back to him again…but her past record is that she will.
ONLY YOU can “rescue” yourself…we can’t do it for you. There are resources out there for you, and we are only one of those resources, but NO ONE can rescue you—you must take the initiative to do so yourself. Even if we COULD rescue you, it wouldn’t help you in the end, rescuing ourselves is what made us be able to do it. Getting to the point that we were in so much pain we had to do something, we realized that the pain HAD TO STOP, and that only we could stop our own pain.
Everyone on this blog has BEEN THROUGH IT, has felt the same feelings of pain and self doubt that you are feeling now. Because we have ALL been involved with these monsters, and that is what they are! MONSTERS, without a single “human” thought—only for themselves, only enjoying controlling and hurting you, and in your case your child as well.
You can never do anything that will make this man treat you well. HE WILL ALWAYS TREAT YOU AND YOUR CHILD POORLY.
Yes, we are “preaching” at you, and “there is no fanatic like a convert” and yes, we are ALL converts here, we have all had to walk through the fires of pain to get out the door—but we are OUT and healing, and you can also heal, but we can’t drag you out the door…you must walk through it yourself…push through the pain and the doubt—and YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH, I promise you you are, he keeps telling you thought that you are NOT STRONG because you have given him your strength—TAKE BACK YOUR STRENGTH, TAKE BACK YOUR SELF—BE YOUR OWN FRIEND.
((((hugs)))) and prayers for you and your child.
People are not tormented like this in REAL love relationships.
That summarizes it pretty well. Someone whose actions put you in pain while their words say they love you?
A sociopath. Period.
(Here’s an exercise: imagine the OW in six months. Think of her wan smile, her scared eyes…because she’s likely gonna be here asking for direction and blaming herself by then!)
My dad tells me the P’s ex-wife was a “mousy looking and acting” woman. Now that I’ve been with him, I know WHY.
It’s an uphill climb, rblue….for a very long period of time. We’re all on one point or another of our own climb, and we’ll be here for you, on yours.
Peggy,
On sickness and hypochonriacs… however you spell it… Bad Man was always claiming he had a “virus” whenever there was a crisis at work and they needed him to pitch in. The virus speech would be followed by the “I’m no corporate slave” speech. In fact, it was the mystery “virus” that facilitated the END. I love viruses. :o)
And to Greengirl,
If filing the court papers signifys THE FINAL END for you… then do it and congratulate yourself.
Also, I don’t know what stuff he has of yours but I know a few people that walked out of the house and took nothing because they wanted a divorce and nothing more than to be FREE. Just a thought.
The Bad Man always gave me back my stuff. He tossed it in a heap on my driveway, threw it in the dirt and peeled out, returned things shredded to pieces. Does that mean he’s not a Sociopath? JUST KIDDING!!!!
He still has my Belgian Waffle Maker (miss it), my vacuum (don’t miss it), my DVD player (miss it), my beautiful plates (miss them). But, I left these things when I “escaped”. I am sure he would gladly dump them on my porch if I didn’t live across the ocean. Bad Man… (don’t miss him) :o)
Have a great day ladies of LoveFraud… and guys too! I hate to leave them out!
Oh Peggy :
To answer your question – yes! The S was always complaining about headaches and backaches, to the very last day I will ever lay eyes on him. That morning, when I was trying to make sense of his crazy behavior the night before, his response was something about him thinking he had a sinus infection! Ah, concern for others, yes?!?
That post of yours earlier with the link made me consider the time he was yelling at all these kids standing down near the bottom of the stairwell, smoking. It was ludicrously out of control. Just rage…and the times on the phone where he was all slurry and drunk, yelling at me for not picking up the phone because he was going to ask me to do something…the mocking, the derision, the sneer…
My kid’s not so brilliant (though she is stunningly astute in many ways) — her mom’s just stupid! 🙂
My ex pulled a fine stunt. After the first three months of knowing him he said he was having a heart attack, I took him to the local hospital and stayed with him. Oddly his family who live near the hospital didnt go. He was released without any further medication. Then a few weeks later, on my daughter’s 18th birthday, he said he was having a heart attack, i was torn between taking my daughter on her birthday treat and taking him to hospital – I took him to hospital and again there was no medication. A few weeks after that he said he sprained his leg and I took him again to hospital and half an hour later he walked to the pub with no difficulty. I didnt realise till many months later, it was all a stunt.
I have been reading all of your stories for months now, but have been too humiliated about my own situation to participate. Am writing now because I don’t want to be alone anymore. My family and friends just do not get what I have been through and am still going through although I don’t expect them to. I keep hoping that if time goes by, the pain will lesson and I will finally be ok. Aloha refers to her ex as the bad man. I relate, he was always saying to me, “I am a very bad man” I should have listened.
Hello rperk6069. Even now, I try to explain to people what I have been through and they just look at me, like they just dont get it at all. But believe me, we all understand each other here, because what we have been through has connecting similarities, which makes this site such good support and the people are so kind and supportive here, so no worries rperk.
The pain does get less. People have different circumstances and some have children, but I have found that despite my early broodings of wanting to see him, and wanting to hit back from a strong sense of injustice and anger, I resisted and weaned myself off him like an addict off drugs and the NO CONTACT rule is the BEST THING I ever did, because the abuse then STOPS and there is nothing further to fuel the abuse. Then the healing can begin. When a person keeps contacting their abuser, they are allowing the sore to be scratched. I now understand why people on this site say that NO CONTACT must be stuck to.
rperk6069,
The BM always referred to himself as a man of integrity or a good man even though my eyes were telling me different. But words can be powerful.
Glad you are coming out of the woodwork. I hope you find much healing here.
The pain will lessen with time. And not to sound like a broken record but NO CONTACT is the ultimate step in beginning to heal.
I can honestly say at this point that I think I would be okay if I ran into the Bad Man while visiting Maui. This is because I have FULLY and COMPLETELY accepted what he is. And therefore, he has no affect on me now. But with that said, I have no desire, not one iota, to be in his presence or to hear a word of what he would have to say about anything in God’s Great Universe. That pretty much covers it.
I have been apart from BM since July 3rd, 2005. I saw him once for about 20 minutes on November 29th, 2005. I had to say good bye to Hawaii and the Bad Man TWICE.
I have been in No Contact for over a year and an almost daily reader of LoveFraud for close to a year. This is what it took for me.
It sounds like you are on the right track. Keep going. There’s room for you on the other side of this. :o)
I had to have contact with the bad man this past weekend, and I am still recovering. I am going to be forced to be in his presence on certain occasions and it is emotionally draining, even if no words are exchanged. It’s like an energy drain, I guess. I see him standing there, head held high, as though he hasn’t a care in the world. And the truth of the matter is, he doesn’t have a care in the world – totally worry-free.
It is so difficult to move on. I was doing so well, at least I thought I was, and now I’ve had a setback. It’s so hard to move forward until you finish looking back at what really happened to you and how he managed to be so deceitful for so long.
I used to say to him “I know you’re lying – I can tell by that thing you do with your mouth”. What a fool I must have looked like. These little lies I was catching were nothing compared to the big lies he told every day.
He actually told me “of course I loved you during all those things I did. I only loved you”. Well, if that’s what love is, I’d rather not have any of it. Thirteen years of this “love” is enough for me.
I’ve asked him “don’t you feel any pain for what you’ve done to me?” “Of course I feel pain”, he says, and the next day he does something so cruel to me that I can barely breathe. This is not a man who feels anything. This a man with no conscience. This is a scorpion – it is in his nature to sting. There is no cure for this.