Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
LL, ONE STEP, CANDY, LOUISE, HENS
Thanks for the support earlier. I typed – got it out – and left for the day with my kids. With no phone, no email.
I think the tumor analogy is great.
I’m going to keep focusing on how to make myself stronger so as not to WANT the contact. I did block his phone number from my cell phone through VERIZON. I did not totally block his email. Just rerouted it. At some point I want to be strong enough to block it. I know if he emails, and if I read it, it only weakens me.
Honestly, every time somebody from LF tells me or encourages me to stay NO CONTACT it strengthens me. Every time sombody says it and says it a different way with different rationale it truly helps.
Love to you all.
SK
((((((((((((( sk )))))))))))))))))))
Ya know what? Just something you can look forward to if you stay NC….if he DOES attempt contact again once you’ve not had that for awhile, YOU WILL FEEL VIOLATED!
When I realized I felt VIOLATED, I was actually HAPPY about it because it was a milestone for me. I realized I didn’t “want” him anymore. And it was FREEING…..it freed me up to focus on ME and the things I need to do in my life now.
You’ll get there, as long as you stay NC. I’m on the bandwagon now, although at first, it pissed me off, LOL, but truly NC is the ONLY way to go. And you will be FIERCELY protective of it and your boundaries soon enough!
LL
YAWN – glad that is over – the swim date that is….not sure if he was a spath or what – but i swear the guy never asked a thing about me, my kids, job ANYTHING,,,,just about himself,,he was polite, nice looking but he wont be back ~! He said he inherited 100 grand and blew it at the casino in 6 months…his cell phone rang off the hook…if he only new about my history with cell phones and microwaves!!!! I swear what kinda world has it become that people walk around with a cell phone stuck in their face…so sad….I went out to a resturant last nite with a client/friend and it was so bizarre seeing the people texting..all preoccupied with texting…it’s disgusting…sorry if I offend anybody but I hate cell phones….I can talk on my land line like the old geezer I am -dont be texting me…….well BBE it is uncanny the resemblance he had to my X, I guess maybe that was part of the attraction…but my X was even better at a conversation than this dood……ok I vented….next subject? oh and he said he would be scared to live out in the country by hisself like I do…well I would be scared to live in the city where he do….ahhhhrrrrggg. gonna go take the wieners for a walk……..
((((((((((((( Hens )))))))))))))))))))))
Well, at least you’re not afraid to give it a college try.
Personally, I find my wiener far better company and since losing the spath, I don’t use my phone much now.
PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT! Have fun on your walk with your weiners and give em big smooches for me!
Kel
Hi SuperKid,
I’m happy you had a good day not thinking about spath. You’re getting the hang of it, it’s an addiction and it takes time to get past the cog/dis.
Hens!
100 grand in 6 months? what a loser.
That was spath speak for “I’m a loser, I lose at casinos and I don’t care.”
Well at least you survived the swim. My red flags were blazing in the winds from your description.
Hens,
You are dearly loved. You know we will tell you when you are giving consideration to a potential suitor 🙂
You deserve a nice man after everything you’ve been through.
And so do your weiners 🙂 I’m totally serious about that too. My ex spath use to kick mine. They have to love your weiners too.
LL
I’ve been having daily struggles of getting the last S out of my head. I made the wrong move by not having contact. After almost a year of dating we split up…but he pulled the “let’s be friends” on me and it caused more trauma because we’d go out to dinner, shop, and do things while he moved on and dated someone else. It was a long torturing agonizing year. I finally couldn’t do that anymore. 2 months ago I told him it’s not good for me. Now it’s been NC since end of April. Thank God I have a job. I’m so occupied during the day I don’t think about it but when I get home the thoughts start. I’ve been painting my living room and trying my best to divert the thoughts. How do we just turn off our thoughts? I know I have to because they’re negative thoughts…thoughts about how great he was when we were dating…but then how crappy he treated me as “friends” status. I wish I never met him.
Oops..I meant I made the wrong move by “having” contact.
My x sp has threatened me again in the past few days.
Told me about my intent on prosecution:
“Lay it down, lady; let it go; get a life.” Right. I would take that as a threat. Wouldn’t you?
Let’s me know that sp’s DO worry; about THEMSELVES!
The ONLY thing I found that somewhat controls their conscious is when you involve the law.
I am still in NC and haven’t spoken to him since 1MAY when I requested communication cease….told him I was deleting him, but I left the email open so he can spew some more. Makes great court material.
No; I am not afraid of him. One of the last times he was here he was surrounded and it wasn’t ME that called. My local PD took it upon themselves to make an ‘inquiry’ stop. Imagine that. I am blessed to have such wonderful protection about me. Because HE will be the loser in this battle, should he choose to escalate it and I have found that sp’s do NOT like trouble…..not that kind of trouble, anyways.
The ‘saga’ continues on but his last unsolicited email sure has given me YET ANOTHER outlook or facet to glee about in my recovery. He is in the shit pot where he deserves to be.
Have a nice life sucker…
Wondering when that ball is going to fall on your head…
Yah: bitter but in a healthy protective sort of way now.
To be honest, I can’t figure out what I ever really saw in him in the first place. He needs charm school lessons on social graces; he is a slut who sleeps with anything and everything he can get his hands on; he lies; cheats; deceives…
I guess I thought my love for him would change him. But that never works and I know that now. It was a good waste of my life, time and energy, all the while, with him and his stable laughing at me.
Yep, a person lives and learns. This experience has ruined any future relationships I may have ever had – I am no longer in the market and the thought of sex also makes me ill.
I am better off being alone and being left alone. The only way I am going to sort this all out and get on my feet again is if I get strong inside and courageous and stand up and say: “NO. NO MORE. IT STOPS NOW.” And I have and hopefully my continued NC will reinforce that. If not, there are other options and I will use everyone legally I can; trust on that. That is not a threat; that is a promise.
Get off the pity-pot girls/guys and take control of your life again. THAT is how we win and how THEY lose. 😉
Mwahhhhh!!!! To you all…..
Oh yeah, lesson learned: the peace is amazing. I love it so much, I usually am home, alone without t.v. or stereo, most of the time. I read, write, play games; once in a while, watch a movie. I can sleep as much as I want or as little as I want and I can make my own hours for once! No more 24/7 (and I am not exaggerating) ON CALL FOR SPATH.
Amazes me how these people think we OWE them anything; isn’t it? Hmmm? Where are these personality types coming from? Does anyone have a clue? Is the increase in their prevalence coming from increased population so therefore MORE SPATHS or are we as a society, doing something wrong with the way we are raising our children?
Well, that WAS a pretty ridiculous statement; wasn’t it?
“Doing something wrong with the way we are raising our children…” Yah, that is a doozey. We would need a whole nother BLOG SITE just to cover THAT one; so I will leave it rest and bid you all a most wonderful and thought provoking as well as SELF FINDING evening….
DUPED
Hens, you don’t know me from a can of paint, but I have been here at LF for over four years. I was waiting to exhale, after reading your post about the swim date. No need to worry, Hens aced it. I hope all the new posters will see that they will be able to go back out there and trust themselves to make sane choices. BTW Hens, I have a little weiner-corgie mix, he turned one year old this week. His name is Henry…after you. Hope you don’t mind.