Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Hi Duped,
Your vigilence is inspiring. NO NO NO MORE. IT STOPS NOW. That’s the turning point. I made it to that point the end of April..I felt great, empowered and now I’m wavering back to thinking about my ex. I guess I’ll flip flop for awhile. What happened was after we dated a year we still had contact and decided to be “friends.” He was making plans to get together. I had asked him via email back in January if he still dating this other woman…no answer. So, in my mind, I thought he was free and we started hanging around again. I started getting close and feeling about him the way I did when we were dating. But it was that day…that day when he mentioned “his girlfriend” I felt sick to my stomach and it just came out of my mouth “I gotta go. This isn’t right. I don’t think you’re girlfriend would be ok with us hanging out and I don’t know her…I don’t want her to get upset and I keep coming around because I want to be with you.” His response, “that’s the way things are…you need to move on.” UGH UGH!! He wasn’t open or honest with me…or with her..so that day I said NO NO NO More!
NC is the ONLY way to go and be honest; don’t cheat.
It’s hard at first but the more time you have to yourself, the more you will see.
You weren’t in love with that person, you were in love with what you thought that person could be with a little love and affection and that doesn’t work with spaths. They could care less about your love and affection. They want you for something. Period. It’s that basic. They USE our affection and when we have no other purpose to serve them, they ditch us horribly or try to kill us so we will shut up and not make waves for them. And, that’s the truth.
NO CONTACT RULE is the only way to go after getting rid of a spath. I have cut it off AT LEAST FOUR OR FIVE TIMES already and it means nothing to him without that restraining order and if he keeps up, his wish will come true. 😉
Oh yes, definitely: NO CONTACT. It’s the only safe and smart way to be and do it with a restraining order as quickly as you can. In my case, him being transient and all, difficult to serve. Courts only allow 20 days to serve. HOWEVER: I think I know exactly where he is NOW. So, bring it all on buddy….
Seems to me the smartest thing for him to do is just to leave it all alone. The way I have been leaving HIM alone. I have not spoken a word nor shall I. I am busy putting this out of my life and moving forward with what life I have left to live. I don’t have time for this nonsense. I don’t have long to live and it isn’t going to be CONSUMED with this.
My legal causes of action against him will be dealt with in all due time but I am not going out of my way to let THAT consume me either. He has gotten enough from me and my life. I am leaving ‘directives’ and they will be followed upon my demise.
He knows it and it’s that simple. Over and done. Period.
Have a nice life.
DUPED
((((((( Duped )))))))))))))))
Can’t help but love ya. You have such a great balance with all of this.
I totally get it about sex making you feel ill and not another relationshit again….I’m there now, the only difference is that sex doesn’t make me ill, sex with ex SPATH MAKES ME ILL. Which is a GOOD thing now. I miss the act, but only for itself, not for whom it was once with and for what it’s worth, I PRIZE and hold DEAR my current celibacy.
Today, Duped, I cleaned my WHOLE entire house. My daughter and her bf came up and pretreated and then completely pressure washed my deck….ohhhhh it’s beautiful now. So clean and nice. It adds to my peace and my plants that I have on the back porch. I have six children and two grandchildren duped. Two teenage sons still left at home (one possibly spath), and my eldest son comes and stays three out of the four days he’s not working. I see my grandchildren and daughter often. My eldest lives three hundred miles away and I’d see her more if she didn’t. My youngest daughter lives downstairs….so I see her everyday…peace, even then is hard to come by, when it’s truly quiet. I LIVE for it now. But I also live for the noise of joy with my children. Exception youngest. Long story. And that of my weiner who barks at bees, birds, flies and people….there is a difference between noises of joy and noises of a spath that NEVER leaves you alone and wants constant attention or the intensity of the drama of being on standby……
It’s wonderful without them. Right now, my weiner is cozied up on the other couch across the room, candles are lit in my living room, where I can see my back deck and the forest that surrounds it and its just started raining and i can smell it in the air…and my deck is beautiful, my house is clean….soon there will be noise again. Me fixing dinner for the boys…
But it’s a good day without spath
((((((((((((((( Duped ))))))))))))))) One day soon and I’m believing this for you….those moments of peace will fill your heart DAILY……..sure there will times of trials and heartache, life is unavoidable I think….but I relish times like this……it makes everything else worthwhile too in the balance.
XXOO
LL
Hi Iwonder!
Are we talking about the same spath? 🙂
They seem to like doing that, pit their women against one another; hmmm? That’s part of the ‘big play’ to keep you hooked through jealousy. I have never stood for it either.
They are players of the worse kind.
Oh yah, I still wake in the mornings and find myself missing him and some of the wonderful moments we had….
Until I recall that they were all fake and lies. Somehow that puts a good focus on it all. Makes me not miss him so much.
As far as sleeping with someone – that can be found anywhere; it’s all the rest that is the hard part to find.
You will be alright Iwonder: focus on YOU and taking care of yourself – when you do that, YOU WIN and they lose.
I so have my spath by the bazookas and he knows it.
I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE IN PEACE AND QUIET AND HE HAS BEEN TOLD MANY TIMES BEFORE TO KNOCK IT OFF. IF IT KEEPS UP I AM GOING TO HAVE HIM RESTRAINED. It’s that simple.
Happy my vigilance is ‘inspiring’ SOMEONE, Iwonder! 😉
I refuse and rebuke all relationships that show me the slightest disrespect. I do not disrespect nor lie nor deceive and I do not wish it to be done to me. It’s that simple. IF I must be alone the rest of my life because I will not sell out my virtues and my honor and dignity, it shall be well worth it and I will be proud to live my life alone for the rest of my life.
It is better to be alone for a good reason than to be with someone for all the wrong reasons.
Blessing of peace and light to you Iwonder….
*HUGS*
DUPED
Duped,
The last guy was just someone I dated…he was borderline S..probably just an immature idiot.
The one before was a true blow S who lived with me 2 years and bled me dry. We were going to get married…so he said. We went shopping for rings, etc. He duped me into putting his name on the deed to my condo. ..and almost took the car I bought him too. All along he had a another woman. When I was used up, he split. It took me 8 months to get him to sign the deed back over and threat of calling the police to get the car back. He didn’t have 1 once of human DNA in his body. I used to wake up in the middle of the night vomiting. He’s been out of my life 3 years…I’m still not back to where I was before I met him financially or emotionally.
Yes…legalities is the only thing they respond to. The last trick this guy pulled? He sent a text to my phone pretending it to be from his 12 year old son telling me he always had thought of having sex with me. Yeah, right…it was a trap. If I responded, he would have tried some stupit crap like going to the police for solicitation of a minor. I blocked his number after that. I hadn’t blocked the number before because it helped to keep me one step ahead of the game when I needed to get my things back. I’m so glad that one is gone..and in time, will look back at this last idiot leaving as a blessing too.
Dear Sweet LL:
How lovely: a rainstorm in a clean house with a spiffy deck!
YAY for LL!!!!! 🙂
No, we are better off and we shouldn’t feel sad nor guilty for wanting that peaceful spot…not only have we EARNED it, it’s OUR’s, lock, stock and barrel and if nobody can respect that….
Well, on down the road ya go…
It’s all a matter of choice. What we CHOOSE for ourselves.
I tolerated this man for far way too long for several reasons and none of them mattered. When it came right down to it, he mind controlled me for almost five years and when I got onto him, started threatening me and tried to kill me!
I AM GOING TO BE ALRIGHT and so is everyone of YOU!
Because we are the survivors and the strong, here.
The goodness and virtues we hold dear have not tarnished just because our relationship with spath has come to conclusion.
Walking away does NOT diminish our strength in all that is good, right and just, where our conscious is concerned. We have to hang onto ourselves or we have nothing at all.
Oh yes, crushed doesn’t adequately express what I have been left with and have been trying to rebuild for myself. I have never felt such pain nor disillusionment. That was my ‘supposed best friend’…that tried to kill me and lies on me and was deceptive no matter what I contributed to the relationship.
He took my mind and my soul and almost devoured it.
Completely. Without forethought nor conscious. THAT
is the living manifestation of ‘evil’, My Friends.
Good night everyone…
Be safe; expect great things from yourselves and I bet you will find them….xxoo
DUPED
Ewe..my ex boyfriend said his ex wife had breast implants and his sister was getting liposuction to make her husband happy. I asked why his sister felt she needed to do that..he said, “She has to make her husband happy. He makes $500K a year.” He’s soo superficial. I said, “If someone doesn’t like me the way I am, then get lost.” You know what his response was? “Bye!” and he was laughing…like joking around. Why are people so cruel to eachother? I’d never respond like that to anyone…especially an ex boyfriend/friend. What an A-hole.
Right. Iwonder. Exactly right. People in general are selfish and self centered. SPATHS are even MORE SO. Very superficial but very good actors if it gets them what they want.
I know I sound like a ‘basher’ but I am not. This guy criminally controlled me for almost five years. Just lie after deception. It has been a nightmare but one I am quickly climbing out of.
I am NOT looking for a relationship any longer. I wasn’t when THIS NUTBALL showed up on the scene. I tried to be his friend, the whole time, when the whole time, he was only using me and laughing behind my back because I cared and loved him. No, this site didn’t tell me that…..this site REINFORCED what I was seeing. Now I know what I was dealing with and what I am dealing with.
I refuse to allow people like this to snuff me out. Period.
I refuse to give up the substance in life that I found means the most: ie: virtue, honesty, integrity, grace, honor…I refuse to let go of these things. If someone finds them ‘hokey’ and ‘lame’, as he used to call my beliefs, so be it…move on…get away from me but when you do, make it for ETERNITY. Because I am finished. I am not selling myself out short for anything other than what I want from life. He is fortunate I didn’t put a bullet in his head when he tried to kill me. That’s all I got to say.
I have PTSD and agoraphobia because of people just like this. I refuse to live in the sanctity of my OWN island of peace and quiet, while adrift on this ship of dysfunction. I just am not going to do it. He has gotten enough of my thoughts and my life. And each day I awake, since my heart attack, and since it has been quiet and he is far, far, far, away from me, I find that glimmer of ‘wonder’ and ‘hope’ just to be alive. I am not wasting anymore of this life on someone who doesn’t deserve it and even HE KNOWS he doesn’t.
Yep; I have noticed over my lifetime, that people are more rude and ignorant and selfish and narcissistic than ever. It’s surreal to me, almost like it’s not my world anymore. So, I stay home a lot and am a hermit, only going out to do those things I have to do and no more unless it’s with family.
I have two counselors, each with different special fields.
For almost five years, I have been in counseling that ranged from hypnotherapy to EMDR. I do no drugs except for my heart medications; the ones keeping my heart alive.
I smoke, which is going to kill me if I can’t quit and I can’t quit with all this drama about me. I am not a boozer and don’t drink. Smoking has been my ‘security blanket’ this whole time. But it is going to kill me if I don’t stop. I have tried everything and nothing works for me.
I am sorry for you all that your hearts have been broken and shattered. Being hurt by a spath is no different than being hurt by anyone else. Just the intentions are different. Most people don’t hurt someone just because they can. Spath’s do because they find it amusing.
I just wonder who is AMUSED NOW. 🙂
Take care and God Bless.
DUPED
OH MY Shalom – I am so honored. I am speechless. I mean reeally speechless..
Hi Henry,
How’s it hanging?