Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
that was a quikie ~!
not for him.
db to the core!
Oh, my gosh, you guys are baaaaad tonight! I’m in such a laid back peaceful mood, and you guys are all getting your funny hats on! I think I’;m gonna go to bed….Not sure what’s going on with me but took a nap today and still tired….got to go see the sleep doc again and see what is going on.
oxy – he is SUCH a slug! (the db that is, not hens.)
One/Joy,
Yea, hearing someone like that having sex is enough to gag a maggot….one of the reasons Ii like living in the country away from other humans…closest one is nearly a quarter mile away.
ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh LAWDY, One J, FOR REAL? EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!
Ox, yea, bedtime. I hear that. I do sleep with “someone”, well my weiner.
OMG I’m so glad he’s male but not of the human persuasion!
Blech!
Well, at least for now anyway. I haven’t given up hope, now is just not the time 🙂
LL
Hens:
I was gone all day so just now reading all the posts. Yep, that swim date sounded like bad news. Talking about himself all the time and the phone ringing and texting…nope, you don’t need that. I feel the same about cell phones!! Glad to hear there is someone else who would still rather use their land line…haha!
BBE and Hens:
Thanks for the posts about still thinking and wanting the X spaths after two years. I needed to hear that because it’s been a year and a half now since this all started with me and I still think about him as soon as I open my eyes and before I close them at night. I ask myself all the time when this is going to stop and it’s good to know that it can take a long time. It’s been REALLY bothering me that I just cannot stop thinking about him, but after hearing from you guys, I know that it will stop when it stops. How ever long it takes to heal and get over this is how long it will take. I know if I would meet someone else to sweep me off my feet, he would be a distant memory, but that chance is slim to none since I don’t put myself out there.
Louise,
It does take a long time. I still ruminate too….but I’ve had a couple of faithful and true friends to talk to DAILY that have helped to deprogram me about my spath.
I can’t tell you how much it helps.
I do still think about mine too, ALL the time, but it’s different now.
He doesn’t take up the brain space he use to and I think of other things and am enjoying other things in life more…it’s slow, but it’d be much slower without them and without the deprogramming…………..
MUCH slower. I really hope, that with all this intensive deprogramming they’ve been giving me, means I’m not giving my ex spath a second thought two years out. there’s a lot to live for.
Giving him brain space means I’m still giving this man apart of my life
He’s already wasted ten years of my life. I realize I’ll give him a little more for the healing process, but no more than that.l
LIfe is too damned short to waste on a spath. One thing that helps me so much is thinking that the more brain space I give this asshole, the more of my life he takes. THAT pisses me off. And I’ll fight it with every ounce of my being. He will NOT win.
I will.
LL
Louise – It will go away I promise, took me about 2.5 years to stop the obsessing, now it’s just more of memory or better yet a life lesson we should not ever forget. Stop trying to get back to where you were before the life lesson tho, it wont ever happen,, and do your best to make that a positive thing. We all have much to be thankful for..we survived something horrible.