Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
LL:
Thank you. I feel that way also that with him even being in my head, he is taking up room that I just don’t want. He could care less about me so I do NOT want him in my head. I have a pretty good life otherwise; I really cannot complain; I have been blessed. When I met him, I thought if we could be together, my life would have finally been complete…HA!! Boy, did I get a big surprise! I want to win also, NOT him. I am determined to win.
LL: I am so inspired! You said:
lesson learned says:
Louise,
It does take a long time. I still ruminate too”.but I’ve had a couple of faithful and true friends to talk to DAILY that have helped to deprogram me about my spath.
I can’t tell you how much it helps.
I do still think about mine too, ALL the time, but it’s different now.
He doesn’t take up the brain space he use to and I think of other things and am enjoying other things in life more”it’s slow, but it’d be much slower without them and without the deprogramming——..
MUCH slower. I really hope, that with all this intensive deprogramming they’ve been giving me, means I’m not giving my ex spath a second thought two years out. there’s a lot to live for.
Giving him brain space means I’m still giving this man apart of my life
He’s already wasted ten years of my life. I realize I’ll give him a little more for the healing process, but no more than that.l
LIfe is too damned short to waste on a spath. One thing that helps me so much is thinking that the more brain space I give this asshole, the more of my life he takes. THAT pisses me off. And I’ll fight it with every ounce of my being. He will NOT win.
I will.
LL
YOU GO SISTER! NOW YOU GOT A HOLD OF IT!!!
YAY!!! IF WE LIVED CLOSER I WOULD TAKE YOU OUT FOR A DRINK TO CELEBRATE!!!! YAY!!!!!!
Ruminations; deprogramming; yep…I recognize all of it.
Just remember the next time anyone finds themselves ACTUALLY MISSING this kind of madness….
JUST REMEMBER WHAT THIS HELL HAS BEEN LIKE COMING OUT OF IT!!! NO CONTACT and don’t answer the door; don’t answer the phone and do not respond to the SPATH! EVER! They will suck your life out of your soul. REMEMBER THAT!
That’s the spirit LL! I am sooooo proud of you!!!
XXOO from DUPED
Hens:
Thank you. I know I will never be the same. I think my friends thought I was crazy when I told them this. I don’t talk to them about it anymore…only to my very best friend I have known since 6th grade…a very long time. Other than her, I just don’t speak of it anymore. But I know in my being I will never be quite the same and I hate that. Even as I type this, I got that pain in my heart knowing what this man did to me. It’s tragic. But I am OK. Like I said in the above post, I have a good life; I am blessed. And you know what? I will make it a positive thing because I was way too trusting before. I truly believe this happened to me so I would see the light and realize that not everyone is good. So I learned a beautiful lesson that is for sure.
Louise;
It’s called……reinventing ourselves.
The new and improved version.
It takes awhile for the ‘prototype’ to be released……but look out world…..
You ARE okay……it is painful and tragic, and you’re right…..it was all for a reason.
You sound so good…..as hard as it is!
Since I received my little ‘threat’ on Friday, I have an even stronger and more bolder attitude than I had before…..
NOBODY tells me it’s alright they intentionally try to harm me and to ‘get over’ it….so sorry; MY LIFE is as important as theirs.
THAT was the determining factor in the cessation of our relationship. He is a beater, a cheater and a P-path of the worst kind: the kind that likes to hit and abuse women. NO; NO; NO; no more! There will be no more of this. Nobody tries to kill me and then threatens me to shut up and let it be. NOBODY.
lesson learned: Stay strong. Look for ‘new’ things everyday, moment to moment. You will start to notice the sensations coming back into your fingers and toes. When you feel that and you start waking up in the morning and are hearing the birds, KNOW you are on the road to full recovery, Sweetheart…
I prayed for you, you know…
Sleep well and know you are not alone.
DUPED
Louise: you put it beautifully when you said that it was all for a reason….thanks for that A LOT. I know I am never going to be the same, ever again. But that isn’t a bad thing. It’s all what we choose to make from it. I guess that’s the beauty of ‘life’…
We can bring positive from the negative. We can build up that which has been torn down. Thanks Louise for your words.
Blessings to you. You will be in my prayers.
It’s a tough road we have all been left with but we can either languish in the misery or we can rise above it and do something with what we have left; right? 🙂
Hugs for a happy week, to all of you,
DUPED
Duped;
Your strength rings through! You are an asset to those healing in the LF community.
YOU GO GIRL…..you’ve got your adamant on!
EB:
We are reinventing ourselves and I am pretty sure I like the new version of “me” much better! Thank you again as always for your support! 🙂
DUPED:
Thank you so much! We are all here for each other and I like that!
pumpkin time for me – going to reinvent myself and wake up rich and 29 ~!