Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Superkid:
Are you reading the emails? Are they nasty? Or is he trying to love bomb you again? I remember when mine was lovebombing me at the beginning. The emails were constant and this was at work. I printed every one of them before I left there…I was at least smart about that. I thought it was really odd he never asked me for my cell number. Finally, after almost a month of emails he asked for my cell and that’s when the texts started. The first night we were together, he told me that he was “afraid” I wasn’t going to give him my number. Ah ha! Is that why he delayed in asking for it?? Or was it all a ploy? That did seem truthful. I don’t know what you all think, but I do think they are all high and mighty on the outside, but scared little boys (or girls) on the inside.
They aren’t nasty. I don’t know what “love bombing” is, really.
He started a month or two ago asks me to not contact him any more.
Nearly 6 weeks goes by
Then he emails last week
Then he emails again
Yesterday he tried to connect with me on the web.
Now he emails again DELETED
Louise What is lovebombing? I have heard the term but don’t know what it means really. I don’t really care what he wants. I just want to stop REACTING to it. One way to stop reacting is to block it. But now I’ve seen it, and it’s in my head, and, well, the saga continues. How do you stop reacting???
One/Joy that is a very good idea I will think about that.
SK—what he is doing—“remembering how much fun we had” and “Picture is beautiful” IS LOVE BOMBING, and changing your e mail address is a small price to pay for getting rid of the feelings you get when you get an e mail from him.
Hang in there Girlfriend, it will get better….and he may or may not get the message, but YOUR boundaries are not for “him” (he thinks) he has NO respect for anyone’s boundaries.
OX
OK, let me ask you one more question.
Sk, What do you think his motive is? What do you WANT to believe that it is?
If you’re still believing that he wants/loves/misses you and you’re wanting to hang onto what he SAYS such as remember how much fun we had….it’s not accurate FOR HIM.
Part of the problem here is twofold. You’re not ready to block yet. And you’re not ready to accept that he is, through and through, a spath.
He’s doing this to keep you hooked for triangulation purposes ONLY. This is the power of the game. While you view him as having some heartfelt human purposes, it is NOT that way in reality. Spaths LOVE triangulation. You played for a long time. He wants that back. He’s bored. He wants to HURT YOU not LOVE YOU. This is what is so important to keep in mind with his attempts to contact you. He doesn’t mind violating your boundaries, so long as you LET him, to get the triangulation going again. Blech! Mine pulled this crap on Mother’s day. I sent him a REMINDER that he was NOT to contact me again and I MEANT it. I wasn’t going to go for the “love bombing” crap he has been attempting every couple of months. I felt VIOLATED. I no longer see his attempts the way I use to because i’ve had time to assess in REALITY what his true motives were. When I think about his TRUE MOTIVES, which were to HURT ME, tons of bad memories flood my brain, rather than the “good times” which were, IN REALITY, miserable and painful!
If there is some way you can switch your perceptions to understanding clearly what this man’s motives are in contacting you, I mean REALLY understanding that his objective is to hurt you more through triangulation while he has a good time watching the envy fly, you may find, over time, that you’ll be able to block him off your email no problem.
He won’t go away as long as he thinks you’re going to play SK.
NC, ALL around, all the way, otherwise it keeps setting you back in your recovery.
LL
SK:
Lovebombing is when they bombard you with texts, emails, phone calls (I never got those) and they are glorifying you…telling you how amazing you are, how much they want to go out with you, blah, blah, blah. Mine was doing it in the beginning by sending emails everyday, sometimes multiple times a day asking me to go out with him. And this was at work…I could have soooo got him in trouble. But I kept resisting him…I knew he was married (separated) and I knew what I was in for so I was resisting big time, but he finally broke me down and I fell for it and after about nine weeks he dumped me. No surprise. But that’s what lovebombing is…just push, push, push until you give in. Oh, and then after I left my job, he started that stuff yours is doing to you now…reminiscing…remember this place we went to, remember when we were trying to stay warm, did I see you at such and such a place today?? He did that for a couple months. Then I sent him a 12 page letter and everything stopped. I guess THAT got through to him!! But I am sure he is NOT being a good boy to his wife…he is not contacting me, but I can guarantee you he is contacting someone! I just can’t figure out who it is because he has ran out of women at work (or so I think).
LL:
LOVE your post, lady!!! That is exactly my X spath to a “T.” You put it very well…thank you!!!
Louise
LOL! He ran out of women at work. Yep! You can bet he’s on someone else’s hot dusty trail now. That’s a spath for ya.
Actually SK, if you’ve put down boundaries of no contact with him, then it’s not love bombing, it’s stalking.
As long as you have any contact with him at all, read anything he sends, check up on him on the internet, etc, you’re still in contact..
Which will make it impossible for you to heal until you have none at all.
LL
SK, Do you think this man plans to kill you? I’m not sure the “love bomb” e mails would be evidence that he meant you any harm. If he is THREATENING you, that would be one thing.
If you are honestly afraid of him, then I would go ahead and change the e mail, AND I would get video cameras set up around my house on the outside and even the inside and take precautions that he could not get in. Dead bolts, audio alarms, etc. I would also write a letter to the police about your fear of him, and give it to a friend to give to the police in case something happens to you.
However, you cannot live in TERROR, but a reasonable amount of CAUTION is another thing entirely.
I KNOW my P son wants to kill me, and I take precautions but at the same time, I am not going to allow myself to live in TERROR or jump at every time the dog barks at the cat. I do carry a gun, but am trained in the use, prepared to use it if necessary, and do not carry it illegally.
There are other things that can be used defensively and one good, cheap and legal one is a can of WASP SPRAY that shoots a stream of poison about 20 feet (aim for the face and eyes) and you can have one on the top of every flat surface in your house and car.
You can also get a consultation from a private investigator reasonably cheaply about how to make yourself more secure, doesn’t cost a bundle and will give you some feeling of security. Good luck.