Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
LL:
That is what I USED to think…oh, he is saying these things to me again because he misses me, blah, blah, blah. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening. In reality, he was just bored, there was probably no one else available at the moment and he just wanted to keep me on the line. UGGHH!
Louise,
Yep, that’s what they do. I use to fall for that crap all the time, always went back. Got duped. Then i just got tired of it all. Tired of him, sicker of me. It’s such a waste of time and energy!
He still takes up brain space, but not nearly what he use to and that’s progress. Sounds like you’re doing pretty good Louise!
LL
Louise
Thank you. Hearing the SPATH reach out like this does make me think maybe he’s human and that he loves me but intellectually I know that’s not true. Thank you for the reminder. I do need to hear that all the time.
Oxy
Yes, I think he thinks about killing me. I think he is full of malice, that he is projecting all this nice stuff while he PLOTS.
LL
You’re right on. Thank you for keeping me strong. I know you’re right. I remember how pissed off I was on mothers day ON YOUR BEHALF that he reached out like that.
OK girls, Thank you for the reinforcements today.
SK
SK:
You are welcome! We are all here to get into each other’s heads that they are NO GOOD. I used to think that also that maybe he really does care about me and then finally realized he does not. He never will. I was just someone to occupy his time when he needed it to be occupied. It hurts…it hurts very badly, but I know with time it will fade away and he will be a distant memory. I just think it’s going to take a long time. And it will be the same for you. It just scares me for you that you think he may harm you. My X spath wasn’t that “type” of spath. Please be safe, OK??
LL:
Yep, that IS what they do and they are so good at it. Man, if you would hear and see my X spath, he is incredible. He had/has women all over work falling all over him when we KNOW what he’s like!!!! Someone has to be extremely slick to keep that up when we even know it. He will have you melt in a minute. Although it took longer than that for me. I am not usually easily broken down. But somewhere along the line I became hooked and I can’t even tell you when it happened. I can’t remember when I crossed that line. I think it’s his voice. It’s almost hypnotizing I think.
DUPED I admire your strength. !
Hi Everyone…happy Monday! 🙂
Yep, I am working my arse off around here today to keep myself from ruminating some more. I have finally managed to beat all my friends and family away from me thanks to this moron that has manipulated my life for the past almost five years….
I am taking a break from non stop doing things since wee early this morning. THEN: when today is over, I will be laid up for a day or so, resting from all the over exertion. I would rather die from over exertion than from being controlled by spath. 🙂
IT IS CALLED MIND CONTROL LOUISE. What we are going through right now is the mark of a psycopath: when they control your thoughts even. Don’t you see this?
We ALL must struggle and learn to break free from this and in order to do that we have to come to terms with the truths: we have been played by a sociopath. THEY DO NOT CARE LIKE WE DO. They are in whatever they are in for their own sake and intents and purposes. We were just another stepping stone for them and they like coming back over and over and over again to prove how stupid we are and how utterly brilliant THEY are.
That’s a fact. I mean, just stop and look at it…
We have all been sharing the SAME KINDS OF THINGS with one another. Oh sure, the scenarios are as different as all of us, but one thing is common: THEY ARE ALL THE SAME WHEN IT COMES RIGHT DOWN TO IT.
What we need to grasp here is the seriousness of that which has been done to us. It’s good that a lot of us didn’t lose any money, etc., but what HAVE we lost? Hmmm? We lost our pride; our ability to function normally; we have been held down too long by each of our respective PREDATORS. And that is what they are. We can call them whatever we want but they are predators. Some of them go away quietly…not wanting to draw further attention to themselves, while others become vindictive and may try to cause us great bodily harm, even though we don’t think so and/or maybe not afraid.
They have blinded us with the memories so they can come back at anytime and we will let them close enough to kill us. I am not saying ALL of them are like this but I know one who is. And, NC is the ONLY way to go. Make sure when you do it that the authorities are aware. I know most police stations don’t like to take ‘threat reports/domestic” – they referred me directly to the prosecutor’s office and yes, I have been there 3 times and yes, all three times, they have offered me protection but I don’t have enough time to serve him so I am being looked after anyways…
Don’t you see the ‘seriousness’ of what we are talking about here? These people are not stable – turn on the tv; read the news…people like this ‘go off’ all the time; right? Don’t play with fire anymore. Especially after you are on to them. Once they know you are, or that you are starting to figure it all out, you are in danger, if your specific spath is so pre-disposed to violence. Be aware. Don’t think it’s just your insides that are taking a battering…it’s more than that; it’s deeper. That rabbit hole goes as deep as you will allow your mind to wander….
They DONT back up. They DONT change. They are selfish to the point of snuffing you out. I refuse to let that happen to me and my life considering I unconditionally loved this evil monster from hell. No. I know what my intentions were and how I cared. He is not going to convince me I didn’t. It was HIM that didn’t care. About me; about his wife; about his girlfriend; about nobody…when it comes right down to it, he doesn’t even care about himself. If he did he would stop this slide he is on but I don’t believe he can and that is not something I should feel responsible for. THOSE ARE HIS CHOICES.
He is in the mess of a life that he is in because of his choices.
He doesn’t know how to make correct choices. He doesn’t care. It’s sad, yes but it is not our responsibility to give up the quality nor quantity of OUR VERY LIVES to feel sorry for this person. They will take your last breath if you ALLOW them to.
I know I am speaking some really STRONG words here but please do take thought seriously – It was on my heart for all of you who are genuinely searching to ease the pain you have felt. Make it easy on yourselves: realize that person you are pining for would throw you into the fire in a heartbeat to get what they want. You are a tool for them.
When they realize you are on to them, they may or may not get violent and you need to be aware of yourself and your surroundings. Don’t be unaware if you are in a ‘bad’ break up; or in the middle of a nasty NC….
You all be careful, safe and don’t quit quitting…
XXOO
DUPED
((((((((((((( Duped )))))))))))))))))))))
GOOD FOR YOU IN GETTING THINGS DONE! I love it when that happens. That was yesterday in my life and it was a good day, til the very end of it LOL….but such is LIFE!
Going on what you’re saying here. My spath was threatening as well when he figured out that I knew…..but oftentimes it’s not spoken. The bastard pulled a gun out and laid it on the bed we were in, I was butt assed naked and it was pointed RIGHT AT ME. Scared the hell out of me. I never spent another night at his house after that and was out of the relationshit shortly thereafter. I was concerned about my safety for a time after the relationshit ended because of that incident. He wanted to be big bad man and show me that he “could” do something to me. Coward. Most of them are, bu there are some who are not. Some who have never become violent, do so. Some who are not violent, threaten to do so just to watch the victims squirm but one thing is for absolute certain that even when there is NOT violence, the spath won’t leave the relationshit without some piss poor power play that would likely scare the crap out of his victim, or leave yet another painful mark on her heart. They are all about DESTRUCTION AND CAUSING HARM. But all the deviancy that he was, is displayed with his exit. No matter how that happens.
Speaking for myself, I think the hardest thing about leaving a spath is seeing WHAT his motive is/was. the countless times here and everywhere else and within myself that I have seen attributing normal behaviors onto a PROFOUNDLY abnormal human being, make the process far more difficult, the ruminating/obsessing MORE often and running back to him more inevitable.
To really see the evil, sometimes it has to be repeated, the going back, the contact. Once I saw, without a doubt and in reality, what his motive was, which was to harm me, it was easy to keep NC and any violations with regards to it would be a serious mistake on his part.
SK, sometimes spaths will put out that kind of garbage for “reading” knowing you’ll see it to intimidate you without ever acting on it. I agree that it’s better to be cautious than sorry, however, it could also be used as a reason to stay in contact, ie: copying all his emails, etc. for you.
I really think you can cut him off without worry to yourself physically. He wants your attention, again the triangulation piece. He’s really bored. All the things he’s doing is because he thinks you will play.
You’re right Duped NC IS NC!!! And I know that when that is broken, the set back is AWFUL emotionally.
Glad you’re still providing us all some wisdom, duped.
Have fun with your efforts to clean clean clean!
LL
Thank you LL and DUPED
I am ensuring that today I do nothing at all to “observe’ my spath from afar.
It feels good.
I don’t give a shiat about him, and it makes me feel HAPPIER being clueless.
SK
(((((LL))))) Thanks for the uplifting support.
Right….upon their exit you truly DO see what they are all about; don’t we? Hmmm? Then all their REAL COLORS shine.
Oh yes, the past couple times I agreed to see him was more for myself than it was for him. I needed it. So I completely get what you are saying. But, there will be no more. I saw and heard everything I need to see and hear.
HA: yah, voices from the past threatening me…
HE is the one who needs to give it a rest.
There ain’t no coming back this time.
Attention; they are all about attention.
When they contact you after you have established NC, don’t respond. Not if you TRULY want it over. Just keep on truckin! Don’t look back. Don’t fall back into it with their “I am sorry’s” or their “I promise it won’t ever happen again’s” because it is going to keep happening over and over and over again. They just don’t change.
I am not afraid of him although I know he would take the opportunity to physically harm me if he could. I have been told that is stupid on my behalf – not being afraid of him, but I just am not. It has taken him FIVE MONTHS to grasp the reality that I MEAN THE THINGS I SAY and JUST NOW five months LATER he is reacting to something I said FIVE MONTHS AGO???
Please. No. No more of this. And, here, I am, sitting here at LF, writing my heart out: why? Because I ain’t over it yet. I am getting there but not yet. I will know when I am over it. I will be over it when it’s time to be over it. Not a minute sooner.
I have had a lot of really bad things happen to me in my lifetime but this has to be the worse. And, him knowing that only delights him. Truly. I have to stop doing this: letting him win.
“Wisdom” LL…..hmmmmm……
Sure wish this was one topic I didn’t have that wisdom, LL…
*BIG HUGS*
I need to get back to my avoidance behaviors…
mwah! xxoo