Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
my spath got fired for misconduct a month or two ago.
He always kept things quiet – never showed emotion, hid lots, he put on an “image” for me. He worked at a huge institution but it seemed like he had no boss. He claimed he worked on the top floor of the building (where the CEO was) but his actual office was on a different floor (which he never explained).
In any case, he dressed like he was the CEO, never admitted to having faults, kept others quite distant, lied about everything all the time, made out himself to be SO superior and brilliant.
I saw his resume. I saw typos all over the place, incorrect grammar, a spotty work record, and more lies. He told me that he had an MBA from a top university. If that was true, it would have been on the resume.
He presented himself as this successful top exec….yet the resume said “plain old ordinary joe” working stiff…..
I let him spin a story, to make himself seem bigger/better than he was, because he had no self esteem
And I fell for it all – I fell for the image, I fell for the lies, I believed he was who he said he was, and that he cared about me….apparently, I needed it pretty badly.
Ridiculous.
SK
SK
We never quite get the truth do we? They tell 10% truth just to reel us in, but the rest is all lies. Nut job used to write to people telling them how inteligent he was (one ‘L’ – the irony!) Lol! I’m not sure, but I think he has only ever had one job, and was fired from that. He limps along, picking up women on dating sites, cleans them out and moves on to the next.
He’s been out of my life for over 2 years now but still owes me a lot of money. I’m not quite ready to give up on it yet but keep contact to a minimum. Luckily, he has a new girlfriend to torture – lucky for me not for her! I’ve tried to warn her, but she’s obviously being gaslighted, and is defending him. I’ve told her to keep my number and call me if she needs to talk. She has a young daughter, and sadly, he will break both their hearts.
I’ve had 2 relationships over the last 31 years, and both were abusive. My marriage (to the arsehole) lasted 26 years before I got out, and shortlty after, met the nut job. He was more overtly destructive and therefore easier to leave, although I had to throw his stuff out of my house 3 times before I finally got rid of him. No contact is easier because of new girlfriend and substantial distance between us.
I occasionally have to see the arsehole, as we have children together and have to be civilised for their sake. He wants them to believe he is the good guy, so isn’t abusive to me when they are there. I didn’t realise how much his presence affected me, but had a measure of it this week. He’s been here (same city, staying in a hotel) this weekend and left yesterday. When I was with him I suffered from Chronic fatigue syndrome, and have been a lot better since I got him out of my life. Yesterday and today I’ve had a fairly major relapse, and realise how much this thing is driven by stress! All my old symptoms have reared their ugly heads and I’m back to where I was 5 years ago! Will just have to sit it out, and I’m sure it will pass!
superkid:
What was the misconduct? Did he tell you? Just wondering if it was with a woman.
Louise, it was not related to a woman, it was because he thought he was above the rules and violated them blatantly.
Lifegoeson
Wow, what a story. It sounds to me like you have lots of reprogramming to do after so many years. Im glad you’re on the site, and even recognizing a “relapse” is a step in the right direction towards a healthier new you.
HUGS.
SK
SK
The reprogramming has started here. If it wasn’t for you and all the great people here I’d still be in the deep dark hole I was in before I found Lovefraud. I honestly didn’t know what I was dealing with – the lies, making me doubt reality, alienating my friends and neighbours etc. etc.
I had a car accident on the way home from the dentist today. A woman hit me side on, wrecked my car and I have whiplash. This is all like a breath of fresh air compared to dealing with the arsehole and the nut job! At least it is real and fixable! 🙂
Hugs back with gratitude x
Well, I am back from my mission and reporting in to share what I have learned while away…
I saw one of my two counselors today and it was a very enlightening meeting.
#1 I learned I AM NOT CRAZY. (phew!)
Just barely snuck out of THAT diagnosis.
#2 I learned that I am NOT being sociopathic by finding great relief in seeing legal things happen to this evil monster.
#3 Yes, NO CONTACT is the way to go. Eternally.
#4 I learned that I CAN stand up on my own, two, strong feet and stop being the ‘victim’ because as long as I keep on participating I am the ‘victim’ and I quit being the ‘victim’ the minute I realize and accept I AM BEING MADE A VICTIM! 🙂
The show is over. Cut! That’s a wrap. 🙂
In all seriousness, it was all those little loving unconditonally things that made us pushovers and that is easily remedied after the fact, isn’t it? 🙂 It’s a sad state of affairs FOR THE WORLD when all the kind and sweet people need to stifle themselves and not show their capacity for caring and giving but hold it up inside, under lock and key and it’s slime like this who are the ones making the world a lesser place for all the Angels living within it.
Take heart – it DOES get better. I am on the ‘advanced program’. 🙂 Be gentle with yourselves. You all know who you are…we don’t need THEM nor their validation to tell us who we are. It is them who are the losers. They are alienating themselves one step at a time in their life. They either just don’t care OR they are just that evil within those cold hearts.
I am starting to get well. My goal is to reach for the “ME” I was before this horrid experience. I don’t know if I can find myself amidst all the rubbish but I am giving it a good fight.
Sometimes it is difficult to give up old habits.
Unfortunately, this was one of the ‘bad ones’…
Have an amazing weekend my Friends…
Stay positive and remember:
THEY CANT DO ANYTHING TO US IF WE JUST REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE.
xxoo
DUPED
DEAR SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA,
You need to change your name girlfriend, cause you ain’t duped no more! Maybe that should be your new name DUPED NO MORE!
Your post is GREAT!!!TOWANDA!!!!! Way to go!!!!!
DUPED:
Awesome!! You are doing fantastic!!!!! Keep posting!