Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Duped, yep. Sad state of affairs indeed. But you’re right, they are losers, every one of them. What a pathetic existence they live, pillaging and defacing the rights and boundaries of others, all while glibly enjoying the pain they inflict.
I also like the point you made about being made a victim. The word victim seems like a touchy topic for many- but as always- with a victim there is always a perpetrator. Thusly- the victim was MADE a victim, and did not choose it as such. There is no shame in the word victim- we were all victimized. But like you said, we recognized that we were BEING victimized and got the hell out. That’s certainly something to celebrate.
Best wishes on your journey Duped, I’m glad to hear of your great progress 🙂
Duped-that was an awesome post-impressive! Good for you! 🙂
Duped,
Thanks for your brilliant post. No’s 1 to 4 work for me too!
I was slimed today by ex nut job and kind of found it funny, thanks to the strength iv got from listening to everyone on here. Instead of taking everything to heart and worrying about all the lies, trying to decide whether they are lies or not (‘if his mouth is opening and shutting- he’s lying’ I love that one!)
I’ve been shaken to the core by some of the stories I’ve read here and amazed by the strength people have found to fight the evil they have encountered. I also realise how lucky I am to have escaped with only a (fairly large) hole in my bank account. By not having children with it and only having it in my life for a year i think iv made a lucky escape. I’m still processing the one I married. He’s not as overtly spathy but still a nasty piece of work and wreaks havoc within my family.
Like a lot of people here iv struggled with the Karma thing. I keep wondering why he doesn’t get his comeuppance as he seems to get away with all the rotten things he does and continues to do. However the best I can come up with is that Karma works it’s magic on him every single day. He will never be happy, he will never know true love or even have a fulfilling friendship. He will never know stillness or have peace. I think Karma is alive and kicking! Yay! 🙂
Duped,
Thank you for such a wonderful post! Glad to see everything you’ve written. You give me hope! Thanks
Ana
Thank you Ana, lifegoeson, Elizabeth, dancingnancies, Louise, Ox…..it has been a very lonnnnnnng road. I have been ‘wrestling’ with this demon for almost five years now. Bouncing back and forth between my own good conscious and being abused in the worse possible ways imaginable. All under the lies of ‘I love you’.
Yah, right. I think mortal enemies would love me more.
I seem to be gaining strength, now, with each new day. I have to keep blogging because I JUST KNOW I am going to WIN this battle and I want you all to come along with me….
I am trying to share my journey with you so you can see that it doesn’t have to stay the way things are. It takes a lot of personal courage and fortitude to break free from these situations we have all had and share in common. It takes really, really, really, wanting things to be different but it can be done. It can.
It’s a ‘conditioning’ of ourselves we must achieve.
I always say to myself: “Nobody disciplines me better than myself.” And, it’s true. We need to ‘check’ ourselves. When I was in the deepest part of my overwhelming depression, when all I was doing was sobbing 24/7 – needing to be locked up in a hospital…not eating; (went from 160 to 100 lbs in no time at all); when I was in the ‘manic’ part of that control, it was as if I were trapped in hell. Literally. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep; so stressed and upset I literally was on the verge of death…that is when I had my massive heart attack and almost died and was LAUGHED at. Imagine that! By someone who said: “I love you”.
I am a firm believer that our lives are what we tell ourselves they are. We have to stand firm upon all of those things about us that makes us different than anyone else. We can’t afford to let our foundations get shaken by scammers; life is too short. Laugh at them; pray for them and move on. If you don’t, they will suck your last breath from you. It’s true as sorry as I am to have to say that.
KARMA: hahahaha Yah, Karma is a wonderful thing. You kind of feel badly when you see someone such as these people, just aimlessly wandering about their entire lives and not really ‘getting it’. I was told, all the time, that “I” didn’t ‘get it’…’just didn’t get it…’ I guess I didn’t but I do NOW!
They can’t do these things to us if we refuse to participate.
NC isn’t that difficult; in fact, it’s soul relieving. But, you have to be committed to it when you do it because if you keep believing all the lies and going back and going back and going back, all you are doing is giving them more chances to damage you. And they laugh at you because they are using you and find it comical.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CARING AND HAVING A CONSCIOUS WITH A SOCIOPATH. Don’t let it bother you like it did me. They use that against you. Jump out of the cycle and just refuse to participate and stand firm in your grounding and laugh in the face of that mind, soul and heart control.
YOU are your OWN PERSON and you always have been.
THEY DO NOT DEFINE WHO WE ARE AS INDIVIDUALS and we have to STOP concentrating our thoughts on THEM and direct all that energy towards ourselves instead.
I feel as though I have just come through almost a five year marathon where I was locked away in a tiny little hole in the ground, without food, water; it was like being held hostage but through my thoughts, mostly. I was not able to FUNCTION as a normal person. *Seriously* NOW that is difficult to admit, that I allowed that to happen to me…
But I am here to tell you, after this long, long, long, horrid journey I have been on, you just have to find that strength and fiber within you to ‘jump ship’ and persevere and not let anything stand in your way. Once they see that, they’ll back up; believe it. Trust it. I am not saying it is ‘easy’…
If anyone knows how UNEASY it is, it’s me; trust me…
it’s not easy but if you want to make it through, you will.
It’s all about what we tell ourselves, My Friends.
I am doing well. Almost ready to go back to self defense lessons. 🙂 Perhaps there shall be a brief ‘pause’ before dialing 9-1-1. 😉
Have a wonderful weekend everyone.
I pray for you all, all the time.
May you be BLESSED with peace.
DUPED
DUPED:
You said:
And they laugh at you because they are using you and find it comical.
Oh, dear…this is the truest statement. Actually, that is the #1 reason I have gone NC. More than the deceit and the manipulation, it is this fact that he/they just use me/us and laugh about it! He/they think it’s funny or the better choice of words you used…comical! That makes me mad!!!! He is not going to get his amusement by using me…sorry! No more.
Yah, Louise…..
When you realize that, kind of puts things in perspective; doesn’t it? They truly do find what they do to us ‘comical’. Even the really really serious and criminal stuff. That’s the ‘chilling’ realization.
YAY! Louise: I am so proud of you for NC. Don’t give in no matter the whines you may hear. That says a lot:
“More than the deceit and manipulation, it is the fact that he/they just use me/us and laugh about it! He/they think it’s funny or the better choice of words you used….comical!”
Yes, it incited me to rage for a while, until I got a handle on THAT little TRUTH. But then I realized that THAT RAGE it is inciting is not good for me either; so I have had to learn how to ‘temper’ it so that I am not further damaging myself nor my health.
I would have never believed, BEFORE my heart attack, that STRESS truly can and does KILL. Now, the person that can wreak havoc upon someone in such a serious medical condition is a slime ball. He needs to stay away from me or I will put him in jail where he belongs. The option is his.
Hens: “big girl britches”!!! 🙂
They can’t win or do these horrid things to us if we just flat out refuse to participate anymore. Just NC; eternal silence. They may be stupid enough to try breaking that but that’s alright, you DONT HAVE TO GIVE THEM A RESPONSE. When you do that, you are showing them they STILL have an ‘in’ with you and they laugh at you. You are their entertainment.
Don’t let that realization overtake you to the point where it is making you ill through your rage. Resolve that rage right away and then put it away and realize what it truly is you are dealing with. It all helps put it into perspective.
Personally, I am just glad that I have a chance of escaping out of this hole I have been emotionally held in almost five years. I was living HIS life and mine was already too distant to remember. It was complete mind control and until this thing came along, always a strong, independent, outgoing woman with a career. He took me to the very halls of hell and I followed right along. Even jumping off a couple cliffs or two all under the direction of that ‘magical, romantic, eternal bond’ we had; you see? They always tell you or make you believe the things YOU WANT TO BELIEVE and FEEL.
Don’t believe a single thing that comes out of their mouths.
And beware – they are like CUJO’s when provoked.
Happy Saturday to everyone!
((((((((((((((((LOUISE)))))))))))))))))))))
I always say: “It isn’t worth blowing a cork over!” 😉
DUPED
THEIR LIVES ARE SO VERY ‘JERRY SPRINGER’ MATERIAL!
LIFE DESERVES MORE RESPECT THAN THAT!!!! 😉
PEACE TO ALL
DUPED
I find THEM comical. In a slapstick sort of way. The contortions that they put themselves through just so they won’t have to grow up. Pathetic and comical.
Dear Duped,
YES!!! STRESS KILLS!!! Literally! Taking care of yourself, and de-stressing takes TIME for the effects of the stress to diminish. I almost said “go away” but I am not sure they ever entirely go away but they do diminish considerably.
Great post above, BTW!!!! (((hugs)))