Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
DUPED:
Thanks once again for your insightful words. The only thing I want to blow a cork off of is a good bottle of wine…
skylar:
Good point! THEY are comical. Thanks for helping me to see it that way.
Somebody boink me with Oxy’s skillet! I was getting on the ‘they are comical’ train of thought yesterday and really thought I’d made progress. I broke NC as I didn’t want it to think it was going to get away with taking my money. I have been ill with chronic fatigue all my adult life and haven’t been able to work for a living. It was the only money I had of my own and it’s gone. I want the nut job to believe that however long it takes I want it back! I knew it (he) was lying but wasn’t bothered.
Now I’m suffering the consequences of breaking NC. I’m restless,
obsessing about the things he was saying, worried – it has disturbed my peace of mind. I was doing so well but how do I let go? I think iv beaten it then it jumps up and slimes me again!
Lifegoeson BOINK – sometimes we go back time and again so don’t punish yourself – that’s what HE wants you to do. STOP, THINK, what you got out of this was the realisation that he IS A SPATH.
It’s sad that you have lost your money but believe me when I say it’s highly unlikely that you will ever see it. If you want to go through the courts he will drag it out and you may still end up with nothing.
Damage limitation…….the things he said were done so to have maximum impact. And from your post it’s worked. Take back your control. B-R-E-A-T-H.
Wipe that slime off, take a shower. It’s ‘only’ money and there are far more important things in your life – like sanity.
So come on, get yourself up off the floor, put this down to experience and file it in the DON’T DO THIS AGAIN TO MYSELF PILE. (((hugs)))
Lifegoeson,
You should not beat yourself up over this. Maybe thinking they are comical made you cocky? I see the pain he caused by a phone call…Ugh. Just remember before you pick up the phone, the feelings you are left with while he goes on his merry/miserable way. Protect yourself : )
Lifegoeson,
you weren’t ready yet because you still have anger over what he took. you can’t laugh and have anger at the same time.
He will always be a parasite and take from others. He thinks this makes him powerful, but it’s spathalogical.
It’s like a tick thinking it’s god because it’s sucking someone’s blood. Isn’t that comical?
Candy and Ana,
Thank for helping me out, and for the boink! I don’t understand how I know all this stuff but can’t stop myself from interacting with him. What he said wasn’t particularly hurtful to me but told me how he is going to hurt someone else. I’ve been trying to think of ways to help out the other person as this going to devastate them, but know if he finds out he will target me as well. I’m cautious of putting details in case he somehow reads this. I’m incredulous that I’m even thinking like this, it sounds like something you would read in a book!
Also think I’m too stubborn for my own good as if I give up on getting my money back he will have won and will be laughing at me for being a fool. I may have said somewhere before this was money my parents left me plus some compensation I had from a car accident. I really wanted to do something worthwhile with it and now I feel I’ve let them down.
Skylar
Lol you’ve given me a wee smile. I like the tick analogy. Iv been removing them from my dogs this week and they are fairly disgusting creatures. However I think comparing them with Spaths is giving ticks a bad name!
Candy
Iv already put a solicitor on to it but have ended up worse off. It’s crazy that we can’t even trust the legal system to protect us – it’s them that end up being protected!
Lifegoeson. Yes I remember your story well, I remember feeling very saddened that he took what was rightfully yours following your parents death (and your accident)
What he is saying is if you ‘do this’ I will ‘do that’ and hurt you some more. If I can’t get to you, I will get to someone you care about and in the process hurt you too.
Maybe the best thing you can do for YOURSELF, and for the memory of your parents, is to do something worthwhile with your life. Maybe you could do a university degree or something like that and put two fingers up to spath.
He may win this ‘battle’ BUT don’t let him win the war! (someone famous once said that so I can’t take the credit)
Candy
I’m surprised and pleased you remember my story. I have felt very alone in all of this. I was very lucky to have lovely parents but being an only child, I don’t really have anyone close who would get it. I do have friends but am ashamed of being so stupid and not sure if they would understand why I didn’t get out way before I did.
You are right I should pick myself up and do something worthwhile with my life. Iv lost 3 1/2 stones since I got rid of him which was quite an achievement, and forgot to tell him when I was on the phone!
I dont know who said the battle/war quote but it’s a good one. We have no choice but to pick ourselves up and move forward. It’s just that every time I do it I somehow manage to forget my good intentions and do something stupid!