Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Dear lifegoeson,
You’ve gotten some good advice here. And yea, you deserved the “BOINK” for breaking NC but I definitely understand why you feel that if he gets away with stealing the money he has won, but you know what….he only wins if YOU KEEP FEELING BADLY ABOUT IT ALL.
There is most likely NOTHING you can do to get the money back, he will weasel out of it even if you get a judgment in court and the amount of time and energy and emotion you put in will only DRAIN YOU DRY OF ENERGY AND EMOTION and not get your money back.
Mark it down to TUITION in the school of hard knocks! Now learn the lesson! and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
Have you heard the te4rm “throwing good money after bad?” Well what it means is you use up all the money (energy) you have left trying to recover money you lost….and failing.
YOU WIN when you take back your life! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
In the 9 years I have been acquainted with sp, I have ran away and came back about 5 times and each time I returned the evilness only escalated. NOW it’s at the point where he threatens me in the midst of NC or not. I never respond and am doing a very good job of logging all incidents.
I am in love with NC because having that space has allowed me to clear the crap out of my eyes and realize what has happened to me all these years. You tend to think that unconditional love would only make a relationship stronger WITH NORMAL PEOPLE. In my case, my unconditional love only made me a target and the more I gave and cared, the more my life was being drained from me. Blood sucking vampire.
After attempting to leave this sick relationship about five times, each time before HE broke it and I responded. Which was a HUGE mistake. Huge. Unspeakably HUGE. It only opened the door for some more of the same and I am not going there anymore in my life.
He couldn’t believe it when I turned down his proposal of marriage. He couldn’t believe I wouldn’t let him move in with me. I noticed his sickness the first time I laid eyes on him and truly believed he loved me and that I could make a difference in his life. Just the opposite. He has almost succeeded in taking mine.
No: there is no more contact, over in this direction.
It’s strictly a one way stalking now, on his part and it needs to stop. I don’t bother him, he has no need to bother me. For anything and that is what I requested on 1MAY.
I know he isn’t going to leave it alone. That’s fine. He isn’t scaring me. He is only making himself look very more monstrous than he already has made himself. I am not trying to snuff him out nor destroy him but he is trying to destroy me and there is no reason – I am completely at a loss for an explanation as to ‘how’ he could have done this to me. I believed him. The first person I believed in just about 10 years.
No; there are no more words for him and I to say to one another. Ever. He needs to get a grip on it and leave me alone now. I don’t hate him anymore; I just don’t NOTHING about him anymore. He is like a hangnail I removed from my big toe. It’s gone and starting to heal over now that the bleeding has stopped. Have to be careful not to knock it though or it will start bleeding again and the healing process starts all over again. 🙂
I am alright you guys and you are going to be alright too.
You just need to know it’s okay to think about yourself too and not think you are bad or wrong for not giving it your life in the process. I thank GOD every morning when I awake for one more day to hear the birds and breathe….
The majority of the time, I am alone and I sit and read online and study things of interest. Fight with insurance companies on medical matters pertaining to my condition.
No, there are no more dating sites for me. There is barely ‘getting out of the house’ for me anymore much less dating. Just the thought of dating right now leaves me upset to my stomach. I am so over making a relationship the focal point of my world. SO OVER IT.
Like I told him: “Time to the turn the page….”
Slowly but surely, we are all doing just that.
Stay strong everybody.
Thanks for holding my hand on this journey.
I will never forget any of you who has touched my life in a most loving and positive way.
xxoo
DUPED
Thank you Oxy, and everyone who has stopped by to put me back on the right path.I’ve tried really hard to keep a level head about this but it seems a self boink isn’t as effective as being boinked by someone else! Especially people who have been there themselves.
I have already sent more money down that road and know in my heart that its getting me nowhere. My solicitors words were ‘don’t worry we’ll get the scumbag!’ However the scumbag slithered away to slime another day! I don’t even know why I’m so wrapped up in the money side of things as I’m not particularly money orientated, as long as I have enough to get by I’m happy. There was so much to come to terms with after I got rid of him maybe this is the last death throws of the monster (that sounds a bit melodramatic!!!).
I seem to be about 5 hours ahead of you guys so I’m off to bed. Thanks for being there!
((((((((hugs to all))))))))))
Dear Lifegoeson,
Good for you, and remember, the solicitors are being PAID and the more you pursue him the more they get paid. So they have the motive to keep on chasing him.
It is hard to “throw in the towel” but sometimes it is much easier to do than waste good energy and your life focusing on HIM. Have a good sleep! Nite!
Duped
I was nearly away there but had to respond to your post. Every word I read helps to pull me back to NC. It really makes sense and was working for me – god knows why I went back there!
I literally threw all it’s stuff out of my house on 3 different occasions before I got rid of it. I’ve never behaved like that in my life. Shouting at it outside, to eff off and never come back (it always did though)! God knows what my neighbours thought 🙁 I’m normally a very quiet person and none of my long term friends would have believed it even if they’d seen it with their own eyes! What is it about them that changes us?
Night Night and thank you xxx
Oxy,
It took getting the first bill from my solicitor to get that one!
I’m much calmer now, it’s been good to talk it through.
Thank you xxx
Good Day Everyone….
lifegoeson: xxoo Big hugs to you dear.
3 different occasions; hmm? Should have left it out there on the first occasion. 🙂 I have been through ‘the letting go process’ all total about five times. This is my fifth and final time.
Oh yes, NC is the only way to go. They manipulate us so horribly. Once you are away from it, it sort of pulls the toxicity away from your eyes and your brain and you can really see what has been going on: nothing but complete control.
hahaha: I live alone and shout all day long and yell and get mad and talk to “IT”. Don’t feel alone. It is from the conditioning they did to us. It causes certain chemical reactions in the brain and once you are out of it, those chemicals try returning to normal. That’s why everyday in your recovery, you will seem to get a little better, one day at a time.
The first important step is to realize what “THAT” was…
once you get a good handle on that; the rest just seems to flourish and I know you understand now, lifegoeson.
It’s not something any of us wants to look at: the truths about our sp’s but goodness gracious: it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that you have been disrespected in such horrid ways. And, for some of us, not shy of attempted murder.
It’s hard to wrap your mind around that when it is coming from someone who has been your ‘best friend’ for such a long time. I don’t believe they ‘suddenly’ change. No. This has been there from the beginning and I loved him so much, I just didn’t want to see it; I thought our friendship would survive it but how does a relationship survive when the person tries to purposely kill you? It doesn’t. You never get that trust back for that person and for sure it’s harder to give afterwards.
We need to focus on OURSELVES and get them out of our program and yes, even in the thought department. We need to take a deep, deep, breath and slowly blow it out and say to ourselves: “It’s over. From now on MY LIFE is going to be MY LIFE and nobody else is going to control it, ever again.” And, make it stick.
They can’t continue doing mean things to us if we just stop participating. Our participation is absolutely VITAL to them because they like the drama and chaos and seeing us upset. It gives them ‘power’. If we just don’t participate, they have NO WAY TO GET BACK IN and don’t feel sorry for them! THEY HAVENT FELT SORRY FOR YOU: in fact they LAUGH at us for our care and concern and our kindness is taken as weakness in their minds.
The stalking still continues and I am silent and plan on being silent the rest of my natural life with this SLIMEBALL who has no conception of social graces nor virtues, honor, dignity…those words are NOT in their vocabulary or the sp dictionary…
It is hard and difficult when you first get started with NC but with time it gets easier until you just laugh at what they send, file it away in your log (hope you are all keeping logs) and move on.
Just consider them children, acting out.
Now, there are a couple different kinds of sp’s: violent ones and not so violent ones but I believe they all have the propensity to become violent if pushed too far. That is not to say we should live our lives in fear. I do NOT and WILL not change one thing about me nor my life. WHY? FOR “THAT”?! Nope: “IT” will change by staying away from me and if he continues to break NC, he will have a nice tidy, little piece of paper to carry around with him everywhere he goes.
I like the T-shirts “Hens” is talking about:
“It is better to have loved and lost than to live with the spath forever!” 🙂
Just think about THAT every time your kind hearts tell you that you miss “IT”. HOW COULD YOU MISS SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
Don’t think that every woman who crosses his path is NOT controlled like you have been. The charm is sweet and sultry and seductive until they think they have you over that line and BAM! The monster comes out and trust me, Honey, the monster ALWAYS comes out, sooner or later.
No thank you….
((((((((((((((((lifegoeson))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are in my thoughts and prayers, Dear. You are going to make it through this. Just be good to yourself and don’t expect recovery over night. It took them a while to condition us into this madness, it takes a while coming out of it, no matter how strong we are. They attacked our most vulnerable workings:
our conscious; our sense of goodness; our virtues, decency and honor. They are just not worth the time.
Let life devour them up and let them wander on their own.
I am securing MY LIFE and MY FUTURE and it doesn’t include “IT”. Not after all the torture I have come through.
It isn’t nice to HATE but I do now. “IT”. I hate everything about “IT”. It is vile and nasty and dirty and disgusting and I don’t see how I could ever have cared about ANYTHING like that!
xxoo
Stay strong everyone.
DUPED
DUPED:
I love your daily pep talks. Thanks…I need to hear it.
(((((LOUISE))))))
Thanks, Lovey…
I needed to say it! 🙂
The people we have just dealt with are sick people in dire need of treatment and they aren’t going to do it and nobody can MAKE them do it. They just aren’t like we are: they have no sense of decency; morals; virtues; all of those things that make life so precious…they just don’t have it in their make up as a person.
To me, that is not a person at all. If you don’t live with conscious in your life, what do you have but an empty existence? But I believe NOW there are people among us who just don’t care and never will and nothing is going to change that. No amount of loving; caring; guidance – nothing.
Have a great week, this week, everyone.
Make it a point to do AT LEAST ONE great thing for yourself everyday. Then increase it to TWO; then THREE…until you are running and gobbling life up! 🙂 xxoo
Peace to you all,
DUPED
DUPED:
Thanks, you have a great week also. Today is the first day of summer…yipppeee!! It’s going to be very hot here today…in the 90s, but I love it. I will take it anyday over winter.