By March 26, 2008 Read More →

“He is the lie, from hello to good-bye”

Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.

This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.

To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”

Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.

It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.

So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.

M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:

He is the lie….

From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….

When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.

If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.

Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.

When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.


Do you mind me asking what type of accident you had and how old you are? Just trying to get a clearer picture of things. Thanks!

Louise: A tree rolled off a stump and pinned me under it. I was almost five. Cannot feel from the waist down, and had my left leg amputated a few years ago. -___-


So sorry 🙁 How old are you now? And your dad is the main spath or only spath in your life? Like one isn’t enough!!!


While I respect that you have these lisensures, so do many others with equally as much knowledge, however, the patient knows best what is good for them or not. I think MANY patients are AFRAID to tell a know-it-all “professional” doctor or psychiatrist what THEY feel they need or want because, well you know, doctor, NP’s, psychiatrists know best right? NOT! Too many spaths in the field to buy into that anymore.

But patients assume this. For example, when One J felt that she needed anti anxiety medications, I HIGHLY supported it, even if you did not agree because of the ADDICTIVE element. I believe she was angry about that, but I SUPPORTED her because she felt she that that was what was needed FOR HER. It wasn’t a matter of disrespect of your credentials or your knowledge, Oxy, but the PATIENT is the BEST advocate for themselves!

She got it and did well on it. GOOD FOR HER! she knew what she needed, she just needed someone to CONFIRM what she already knew.

Ambien prescribed by a mental health professional? I guess this would be something that was given amongst A FEW other medications to deal with mental health issues, Oxy. My preference is to see my DOCTOR about that kind of stuff related to insomnia. She is also well versed in PTSD and antidepressants. Psychiatrists or mental health professionals are not the only professionals licensed to dispense. And if someone doesn’t NEED a mental health professional, but perhaps their issues are due directly to something physical, such as an ACCIDENT, or some other health related issue, NOT mental health issue, a doctor is just as credentialed as someone who is in psychiatry. they will also be looking for TWO different things, not the same, Ox.

I don’t think Near has “psychological” issues, but this is a blog and so what the hell do we REALLY know about someone and their “issues”? The reality is, is that we don’t.

I can glean from what he posts that I don’t see a major issue related to PSYCHOLOGICAL health, and that he needs to seek a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL, thus undermining what might be his need to see a DOCTOR instead. There was also an “accident” that we don’t have the details about.

We don’t come here giving every single detail of our lives, particularly our medical/mental health records. We can only “assume” from what is written on a BLOG, for pete’s sake!

That doesn’t mean that it isn’t honest, but it might not be ALL the information we need to make an informed decision about someone, yet then again, when it comes to spaths, that’s pretty easy, but we aren’t talking about spaths. We’re talking about people who are hurting, and/or have MANY MANY differing situations, circumstances, etc.

A side note about “addictions” Oxy. That isn’t just a cut and dried situation for anyone.

When a person takes a “hypnotic” or a “benzo” or a “narcotic” on a REGULAR, but SCHEDULED basis, there is going to be 1. A PHYSIOLOGICAL addiction to the medication and that cannot be helped, even if you are on SCHEDULED doses, which is why it’s advised to WEAN off meds of ANY addictive type, particularly if one has been taking them over a long period of time and/or a “high” dosage of any particular drug. it’s the same way with ANTI DEPRESSANTS, some HYPERTENSION medications, etc, NOT just “addictive” medications and

2. It DOES NOT MEAN that one is “Emotionally” addicted to them.

I’ve been taking Lorazepam for YEARS for insomnia and anxiety. I SWEAR by it. I didn’t think it was STRONG enough after five years so I requested something else…what I got was VALIUM and it knocked me on my ass………… it was back to lorazepam but in a double dosage….it doesn’t knock me out the way valium does! BUT I SLEPT and my anxiety levels were LOWERED significantly!

I now have to sign a CONTRACT every year through my doctors office with regards to pain meds and the benzos that I take. I GLADLY sign. I also SUBMIT to UA’s on a REGULAR basis to adhere to the CONTRACT. It doesn’t take much to see that a patient is EMOTIONALLY addicted to a medication. AT ALL.

Physiologically, IT”S A GIVEN!

Part of all of this, if not MOST is the patient’s RESPONSIBILITY to take the medications as DIRECTED. If it were to cause a WITHDRAWAL, the patient is weaned OFF the drug.

I could go on and on about this Oxy, with you, but I won’t.

Oxy, I respect what you know. I respect that you worked in a VERY spath field! I can’t imagine what you’ve dealt with and I’ve heard some stories, but I know many that know just as much as you know if NOT MORE because they have been in the field for as many years, if not with MORE credentials, but I can tell you, that the patient knows best, overall.

No, I don’t agree with all your professional advice, and while I respect that you’ve been in your field for years and that you do have a lot of knowledge, I come from a patient perspective, and it doesn’t impress me that it affects my own medical care, nor does it prevent me from getting second opinions from those who would know MORE simply because they see me in the FLESH and know me.

Personally, Ox, I like it when you share about your knowledge in ways that has me checking it out…studying more about things….I DO learn from you.

But I wouldn’t have you as an NP.

I disagree that your opinion is not mixed in with your knowledge, Ox. How could it not with all you “know”? It’s like saying that a psychiatrist coming to this site and reading and responding is not influenced by what he “knows” after several years in the field. It’s a shoe you wore for several years, Ox.

It’s apart of you. How could one expect it not to be?

that doesn’t mean we have to agree with it. It doesn’t mean we can’t learn from it. But we should be able to agree/disagree with it, without being challenged.


Louise: I’m turning 21 on the 27th! ^_^ My dad is the main spath, but his brother and father are spaths too. So that’s father, uncle and grandpa. Woo hoo! 😛


Happy Birthday early!!!! Do you have any big plans??

Wow, you sure do have a family history there, but I think that is typical usually. If I only knew my X spath’s family history, I probably wouldn’t be surprised!! I know he had issues with his mom, but don’t know all the details.

Louise: Thanks! ^_^ Nah, no big plans. Just going to hang out with my beagles and mom.

Wow, I wish you could tell me more about your spath’s family history. 🙁 I’d love to find these things out. We’ll never know, sadly. My dad’s whole family functions incorrectly. His mom too.

Lesson Learned and Ox Drover: You both make great points and are way out of my league with some of this stuff! ^_^ Wow, I’m trying to keep up!


Sounds like a good way to spend your birthday to me!! Yay!

I wish I could tell you more also about X spath’s family, but he didn’t talk about them much.


I keep trying to add to this conversation – i have written many posts now, and deleted them all. so, i am going to leave it with only 2 things.

Oxy: You are a tough nut, highly opinionated, and I can’t get into this with you. Your stamina around the discussion about compliance, and drug choices (biases about) is enough to tire me out in themselves.. But your advice to Near concerned me a lot. I don’t know why you challenged his status quo – you know nothing of him, never met him, didn’t know what his mom and doctors have worked out, didn’t know how old he was, the quality of his doctor – nothing. If you want to give only your opinion, don’t haul out your credentials – which will give your opinion authority.

LL: Thank you for articulating what I am too tired to. Not tired from the day, but from the stamina Oxy has for this discussion.

(((((((((((((((((((( one J ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You said in a paragraph that took me many to write.

And you’re right.


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