Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Ah, Yes! Greengirl,
The old “smoke and mirrors” trick—they are like a magician, distracting you with one hand while doing the “trick” with the other!
Unfortunately, after you realize what is going on, the trick doesn’t work as well…and most of them have a limited stock of tricks, only rarely coming up with a new one.
I think they all learned out of the same trick book as well.
He will “PROMISE YOU ANYTHING” BUT NEVER DELIVER.
He will ALWAYS HAVE AN EXCUSE WHY HE COULDN’T DELIVER on the promise. Then, give you ANOTHER WORTHLESS PROMISE, all the while, with NO INTENTION of giving you anything except the empty promises.
In the meantime, you have believed the promises long enough, or “given him a chance to keep the promises” until he has had time enough to make sure all his assets are protected or hidden and that even with a judgment from the court, you can’t find his assets. And, eventually you will get tired and give up and “He wins”
The worst thing about this bag of “tricks” is that most of the time THEY DO WIN because they hold “hostage” something that you value or need. They have the controlling hand as long as they don’t pay off. If they pay off, they lose their “hostage” and can no longer make you squirm.
My P X DIL has only one “hostage” the filing of taxes jointly with my son for 2007–but I trumped her ace so to speak, by having the cat she adores which my son kept while she was in jail for 7 months—as long as I have that cat, I have the “hostage” that means more to her than the cooperative filing means to my son. Because she thinks I am just like her, and would do the kind of thing she would do in the same situation, she thinks I will (1) harm the cat in revenge or (2) never return it. #2 is correct, #1 is not, but I have made sure she believes she would get the cat back in pieces if she tries anything nasty again. She does not get the cat back UNTIL AND AFTER the papers are signed and in the mail.
When the refund check comes back (no direct deposit on this one) it will come to MY address and my son D (not her x husband) will “walk it through the bank with her” so that there is no chance she could get all the money rather than her half.
My mother’s court case (small claims) is due the day after tax filing day, so will delay the tax filling till the last minute before we inform her that if she does come to testify in court she WILL BE SORRY, as if she tells the truth, that wins the case for my mom, if she lies, we have proof that she lied and will PUSH PERJURY CHARGES (AND WITH HER ON PROBATION) this very well might put her back in prison. Even if the small town DA didn’t want or wouldn’t want to press perjury charges, she won’t know that and she is SCARED TO DEATH of going back to prison.
So, we are FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE over this all, but it should soon be over, with limited numbers of contacts. We are using THEIR tactics of delay and control information about what our REAL AGENDA is, anticipating their agendas (not too complex in this case)
Fortunately, in this case with the DIL she is not really good at the “game” and also didn’t like being in jail. It was her first time in jail and she was physically (and rightly so) scared of the other inmates. Her BF got nearly kicked to death by another inmate who actually was just trying to kill him for fun.
Your P sounds like he is much more skilled at his manipulations and more knowledgeable in how to use the delay tactics.
Your quandary of “is it worth it?” Only you can answer, because it might be more energy and time than you really want to invest in the money and the “things” or it might not be.
Since my DIL is not “emotionally involved” with me, I never did like her, and always knew she was deceptive, just not how much, it isn’t an emotional issue for me so it isn’t too energy draining for me. I did realize though the other day that testifying for my mom is somewhat energy draining, but at the same time, I do feel it is the RIGHT thing to do, and it isn’t enough “energy” that I won’t be able to recover fairly easily.
One of the main reasons I am doing it is to keep the DIL from getting the vehicle which she KNOWS is not paid for, as she was the one that tore up the lien note. Giving her JUSTICE is just a bit of satisfaction for me. Not letting her get away with another scam, another lie, however petty, is some satisfaction.
Greengirl and OxD:
Mine used to say “With me, it’s all smoke and mirrors.
That’s why I knew he knows what he is, and continues being it deliberately. That’s what makes him evil.
But today I was thinking – were he not evil, he’d just be lame. So maybe it works for him.
Orphan and Greengirl,
Smoke and Mirrors DOES WORK more times than not. With success and practice some of them can become so skilled at their magic tricks that they can get by with them for years or even forever.
It is frustrating, but once you get on to them, you STILL can’t always win. LOL I realize in dealing with my X-DIL, I am using some of the same tactics, delaying, withholding information of my plans, letting her assume things (that from her point of view make sense because they are the way SHE would behave) If she wants to think I would send her cat back to her in pieces, so much the better for me. One of my friends who has a twisted sense of humor said that I should make a video of me in a black mask holding a knife to the throat of the cat and send it to her and have a photo of “todays paper” in the video. (joke) I realize that is pretty black “humor” but I laughed anyway.
I realize that my DIL’s hate of me is intense because she has known from the get-go that I “had her number” even though I was superficially “nice” and “polite” her, I did SET LIMITS on the behavior of her children (they couldn’t come to my house any more unsupervised by her or my son because her daughter stole and was GROSSLY sexually inappropriate with my son D even in FRONT of other people.)
When I tried to talk to her about the sexually inappropriate behavior she replied, “Well, how is she going to learn if no one teaches her?” THE GIRL WAS OVER 18 FOR GOODNESS SAKES. I replied “Well, that is YOUR job, not mine, you are her mother.” That comment of hers is so “off the wall” it is laughable in the extreme! LOL Talk about BLAME PLACING inappropriately to the MAX!
I would say “how on earth did my son C ever get involved with this woman?” However, I have been snookered by Ps my entire life and I could say the same thing about myself. Since I live in a BIGGER GLASS HOUSE than he does, I can’t throw any stones! LOL
Neither she nor her children had the least social graces, or had any manners at all. Both of them were obnoxious to the MAX, and though her son with Muscular Dystrophy was pitiful, and to be pitied for the bad luck he was dealt at birth genetically and the pain he endured—she had children KNOWING the genetic risk, and knowing that her uncles had all died of this terrible defect in genetics, yet she chose to have children.
It is an ill wind that blows no one good though, so I can look at the good that all this chaos has accomplished, the best being that it got rid of her out of my son’s life and he is healing and learning. It got me back on the right track for my own healing, and I think without the CHAOS of this past year exposing it all, I would have muddled on through life with my malignant hope held tightly in my hand until my P-son got out of prison and came home–probably only to kill me.
I don’t think less than a total crisis would have been enough to precipitate any action on my part. I think I was too deeply “invested” in denial.
I think of it in some ways like lancing a huge emotional abscess, filled with nothing but puss and corruption, it is painful to lance, and stinks to high heaven, but without lancing it and getting the corruption out of your body (soul) you will never NEVER HEAL. It will eventually poison your soul to the point that you die, either physically, or suffer and suffer and suffer without end.
I thank God every day that it finally got to the point that I could SEE, and get out of denial, break the rosy colored glasses, and look at the abscess and lance it.
rperk6069. Well what happened was that I suddenly realised that I have a life to be lived, rather than reading about how to live a life. We all have our imperfections, but I am a pretty ok person. I spent years feeling tainted by my dysfunctional upbringing and I put alot of effort into caretaking everyone in jobs and life in order to feel useful and valid. I dont need to validate myself anymore – I am alright as I am, imperfections and all.
I realised also that by buying into self help that I was constantly telling myself that I was not good enough and that somehow I needed to put myself right. Well maybe I could be the perfect guru if I tried hard enough. But I want some joy in my life and that is worth going after. I am alright as I am. Self help books have a good place, but not all written ‘how to’ formulas apply to everybody – we all have different personas. I am going to live a good wholesome life and for me at my age that will be good enough. I dont need to achieve anything else.
OxDover,
I have a hang nail. Could you please come and take care of that for me? HA! You made me laugh when you said the thing about your house burning down and the nail filing. I totally cracked up!
I feel bad for getting so bent out of shape the other day. I was just on a downer. But today, I was reading your posts and I can’t imagine the pain of having a child attacking you. It’s natural for a mother to want to nurture a child and guide them and not give up on them. It is not that hard to imagine doing this myself. At what point do we give up on people? I will say for me now, it’s a lot sooner than before.
March 31st…that is the day I set myself free….as u have read in the past posts of mine…I sent the S an email telling him it wasnt going to work anymore. Yes i had some trouble because he would call and email messages of I love you, I miss you…and still on April 3rd leaving the messages of how can you purposely hurt me…your being so cold and such….NORMALLY i would have emailed him back and said that I didnt purposely hurt him, but that I am just trying to take care of myself BUT I DID NOT!!!!!! I cancelled it before I sent it….i had a thought that HE wants me to respond so he is leaving me messages that will get me thinking I need to explain myself. now i did leave a message last night. he lost a close friend and ofcourse he had to say that losing him was just another heartache to what i am putting him thru. so ALL I SAID WAS sorry u lost your friend….i will keep you and his family and friends in my prayers…and left it at that. I am doing okay right now…i have been working in the evenings now as well so it is giving me something to do rather then think about him….
everyone on this site is so GREAT…..even with the straight forward advise…..I NEED IT REALLY I DO…. I am trying to snap out of this and its amazing to realize that i’m not alone….that everyone here has either gone thru it or is going thru it. I think it is finally hitting me (as long as i stay in this strong position that im in) that he really is a S and that life with him is not what he promises. That it is just an image of what he says he will be UNTIL he gets me in even further…
so i have to say today APRIL 3RD… 3 and 1/2 days later of making it official I am……holding strong in hopes to not let go!!!!!!
thanks again for all the advice and the real talk…..you guys are wonderful!!!!! This place is a blessing from God!!!!
Congratulations–we need to change your name to ARE NO LONGER BLUE!
There will be some down days, I can say that, but aas long as you maintain the NO contact and don’t “dip” they will be less and less…..the way they TRY so hard to get us to RESPOND and even “wanting to tell them to go to hell”—all those REASONS to dip and NOT VALID.
Believe me if you do the leaving they will get narcissistic injury and do anything, while writhing over the HOT COALS OF NC to get you to respond. That is the way they work. They will not quietly let you escape unless they throw you away. YOU regaining your power and throwing THEM away is unthinkable, they must try to get you back, to get you back under their control so that they can punish you for injuring them. DUH!
My X-DIL who tried to KILL HER HUSBAND fgor goodness sakes wants to PUNISH HIM–she actually told his brother that! DUH? FOR WHAT? you may ask? Well for having her put in jail for a little attempted murder of course, it was all his fault..and she really didn’t mean to kill him, it was just a gun to frighten him so he wouldn’t hurt her because he caught h er with a BF and then offered to take her back, and after all she did have sex with him the night before the attempted murder, but that was just to throw him off so he wouldn’t know about her plans and her gun, or the gun she bought for her ex con sex offender BF…DUH. Boy can they rationalize.
From here on out, I recommend that you not read e mails, block them if you can, or texts, or answer the phone NO MATTER WHAT=-EVEN IF HE CALLS YOU DYING, or saying he is, DO NOT fall for it. NO contact (physical) means that, at least until you can reach “emotional no contact” at which point he probably won’t upset you to even see him. IN the meantime, I also wouldn’t try to find out what he is doing, or let anyone talk to me about him, or carry messages or information about him. It just keeps things stirred up. I think most if not all the veterans on this site will agree with me on this one.
I didn’t want to “hear” that at first, but it is critical to the healing I think. In fact, NO CONTACT with his friends either, or mutual friends if possible so he does not get information about you. If he does, he will use it, believe me. Been there and done that one! LOL
Congratulations again! Your new “freedom day” “independence day”! (((hugs)))) Stay strong!
Oxdrover wrote:
“In fact, NO CONTACT with his friends either, or mutual friends if possible so he does not get information about you.”
Yes, yes, yes! I deleted all contacts from my phone list that I normally would not have had had it not been for the ex – even his parents and grandparents, who I loved. I deleted related profiles from Myspace so I wouldn’t see when they were “on.” I removed all traces of my ex (photos, gifts, notebooks, clothing) from my home. At first, I clung to those things because any tie to him was better than no tie at all. Once I did it, I found that I can manage my days a lot easier.
Neverneverland, and rblue–I am SO STOKED today!!!!!!!
How well you are both doing and after being so down only a few days ago! WOW! It is amazing and wonderful and I am dancing on air that things are going well for you! I know it “isn’t over till the fat lady sings” but gosh, you are ON THE ROAD and that is what is important!
Today was and is a grand day for many reasons and that is an important one! This morning I saw the first Iris bloom, and now I know it is spring! Just one, but it made my spirits soar.
Tomorrow I go to Louisiana to a Scottish Festival to demonstrate herding Scottish Highland Cattle with the Border Collies and there will be music and bag pipes and good food and lots of laughter and this year looks like the weather will be wonderful as well (last year the weather was straight from Scotland, cold and rain and wind. LOL)
My dog will be sooooo happy! He loves to work and since I sold the bulk of my cattle he doesn’t get to work as often, but he will be in heaven with all the people wanting to pet him and him getting to be the center of attention and also getting to chase the cattle. Last year I bought him some goats of his very own (yes, I bought my dog some “pets”–LOL) but with all the chaos I had to sell them as I didn’t have time o r energy to take care of them so he had to do without “work” which is play to him!
The living history festivals will be starting and the festivals for various things–my favorite is the “purple-hull pea and ROTOTILLER RACES” What a hoot!
Just walking outside in the clean spring air after all the rains (and floods) we have had was really energizing today. Take a walk, smell the flowers and see something beautiful even if it is only a single blooming flower! Life away from the parasites is wonderful!
A joy shared is doubled, a sorry shared is halved. (((hugs))) to you all!
Thank you! Now, I was warned by one of my ex’s other women that he would try to call and call and “get me back” after a few months. While we were together, he was texting, emailing, and calling her all the time. He told me that he couldn’t stand her! So I know what to expect. I’m going out of town for a week to take care of my mother, who is having surgery. Hopefully, that will give me something to do, and I can catch up on my legal studies. That’s the next thing on my list of “to do’s” so I don’t flunk law school.