Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Wow, I’m impressed–LAW SCHOOL! What a grand thing for a former victim of a P to be–an attorney! You will already KNOW how to “swim with the sharks” and think of all the good things you can do with your law degree to help others who are still healing from their “close encounters” with the Ps.
I think that is a grand thing! See, there is some great good can come out of your experience, as painful as it was/is!
Your PhD in “P-studies” from the University of Hard Knocks may do you more good in the end than you could ever imagine with your chosen career!
What a wonderful advocate you can be for those people who need the legal help that you can provide!
Isn’t it wonderful that no matter what our career choices are that there are so many ways that our own “life learning” can be put to use to help others! As well as to help ourselves.
I hope your mother does well, and I think getting away for a while will be wonderful for you. Stay strong and make all As in law school!
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN
I thought I loved him so much. But what I loved was the illusion of himself that he gave me. Once I realized it was fake, every last minute of 14+ years, that he felt nothing, I was over him. I may never get over grieving for the relationship though. We used to say it was a storybook romance. It was, then he closed the book and went away and left me with nothing. Literally nothing, as in nothing to live on.
I see so much of my X here! Not knowing about any of his outside activities, and loving him so much, when he began consistantly telling me stupid lies (He was known at work as Mr. Excuse for Everything) I was just worried he was having a mid-life crisis or or health problem. Anytime he really wanted to lie deeply, he would do this “totally sincere” act.
When I found proof of his internet cheating (he used exactly the same phrases to her as he was currently using on me, not too inventive any more), this very quiet, mild mannered man blew sky high. He told me it was MY fault he was taking drugs (which he was stealing from me) that he had never tried to hide the affair (hmmm, so what was that when I asked, “are you having or wanting to have an affair?” and he told me in glowing terms how much he loved me and never wanted another woman. I believed him. STUPID!) Plus he told me it didn’t count because it was on the internet, she had cancer and would be dead with in a year. Ummm, how creepy is that? I was dying at the time, it turned out the REAL reason he split is because some friends of mine were getting really suspicious about my health patterns. So all the time he was hauling me to the doctor, pretending sorrow for my pain, getting major kudos from everyone for being “Mr. Nice Guy”, he was actually causing it. While he held me, told me (and everyone else) how he adored me, sincerely, looking me straight in the eye. That was his payoff, everyone thinking what a Nice Guy he was, and so sincere, even when we realized he was lying his head off, we made excuses for him. He was good, he lied to my friends and they believed him, even though they knew the truth. I knew he was tampering with my meds, but I thought he was just under stress and making natural mistakes. Of course, when I told him I was going to handle my own meds now, he suddenly got quiet. He was gone two days later, and I began the slow recovery from being doped for I don’t know how many years.
What’s frustrationing is that everyone still thinks he’s Mr. Nice Guy and that I’m being a drama queen. He was smart enough to leave town before the truth could really be known. I’m sure he could pass any lie detector test invented. After some of his remarks made me realized how dangerous this man was, I never confronted him again, and we went back to being all nicey-nicey while he moved out. It was surealistic, like none of that had ever happened.
That list I use to counter act the nice things I remember about him? At the top of it is “He almost killed me” Somehow that usually reminds me that I am not being a drama queen, that I am not making excuses for another failed relationship, that there was never at any time ANYTHING I could have done to save the relationship. And any time I need conformation that I am not imagining that he almost killed me, I see my doctor who says “I really thought you’d been dead 6 months ago” or how ever long it’s been….over a year now.
Yeah, X did do a log of nice stuff for me….for show. We had the same tastes in most everything, so all the books, movies he bought for me were really for him. Also, he knew I would tell everyone who would listen (and even those who didn’t want to) how wonderful and great he was. I must have told him a dozen times a day how wonderful he was. I was a little surprised at first when he left the relationship, since I was such a mindless little cheerleader for him. That was before I found out about his drug use…..he KNEW that was going to blow everything wide open.
I’m sure glad it was mentioned somewhere that they like to keep things of yours when they leave. That’s been making me crazy, why would he want my pictures and love gifts I had made him? According to him, I was a crazy bitch, so why would he want to remember me? Keeping them as a trophy, now that I can believe. He’ll probably show them to future girl friends as proof about how much I loved him, and he was devastated when after all his years of sacrifice and careful nursing, I died. He’ll be heart broken, they will have some sort of health problem themselves and will feel his pain. Boy, they have no idea, poor dears, how they will feel his pain!
romanticfool:
It’s really odd that you used the opening line from the Wizard of Oz. My ex acted like the man behind the curtain — he boomed his demands and everyone scurried to fulfill them with dispatch. What’s sickening is that he uses his leverage as a songwriter to curry favor with women, all of whom think he can do no wrong.
“Yeah, X did do a log of nice stuff for me”.for show. We had the same tastes in most everything, so all the books, movies he bought for me were really for him.”
I just came to that realization, too. We never once saw a movie that only I wanted to see, or go to a restaurant that only I wanted to go to. It had to be his idea.
“I must have told him a dozen times a day how wonderful he was. I was a little surprised at first when he left the relationship, since I was such a mindless little cheerleader for him.”
This is what makes me want to cry. I was his biggest proponent. I was a perfect ambassador for him and his career. I represented him beautifully in all ways possible, and I never, ever spoke out against him, even when I knew what he was doing was sleazy and/or unethical.
“I’m sure glad it was mentioned somewhere that they like to keep things of yours when they leave … Keeping them as a trophy, now that I can believe.”
The only way I got a very expensive Apple laptop (G4) was to send the cops over — that motivated him to give it back. It was loaned to him and he knew it; he just didn’t want to give it back.
Done with mirrors. I’m telling you.
After he had been gone for a bit, week or so, my family and I started comparing notes. We always thought he did so much for me, was such a good dad. But when we got down to reality, it was all talk. He said he would do things, but it never happened. He’d distract me with a shopping trip at the place he worked to cover the fact I was living in filth without a working refriderator. I couldn’t figure out if he had money to spend, why we couldn’t spend it on a fridge. He told me he was expected to spend the money at work, since it was a “bonus”. Sheesh!
He was the little man who wasn’t there. We’d go visit one of my friends (he didn’t have any) and he would just watch tv and fall asleep. When he wasn’t showing off and controlling the situation, he simply checked out.
“This is what makes me want to cry. I was his biggest proponent. I was a perfect ambassador for him and his career. I represented him beautifully in all ways possible, and I never, ever spoke out against him, even when I knew what he was doing was sleazy and/or unethical. ”
Me too. I protected that man. I didn’t want anyone to think badly of him because I loved him so much.
It seemed like he was always “there” for me. Looking back, he never defended me from my family, just sympathized that they were so awful. He almost always SAID the right thing. Kept us from noticing he never DID anything.
He has this thing about chivalry. Knights of old, ect. I used to call him my Knight in Rusty Armor. After he left, I thought of him as my Hollow Knight, but my friend put it better. He said X was in tin foil armor, fake all the way!
hi guys; it is so funny what you said about comparing notes, when i broke up with my ex s path my mother said he never took you out anyway and its right i never realised it before, but in a year we lived together he took me out for dinner about 3 times when it was just the two of us no family or friends or anything. i said yeh mum your right that is pretty crappy for someone who is suposed to love me so much. then when it was over between us he said we never went anywhere and he wanted to and that was one of the reasons he left, i was like well you didnt ask me to go anywhere i thought you were happy staying home. also when we visited my friends he did not know he just sat there hardly in the conversation and my friends would try and get him in to the conversation……. today i am in no contact and i just got some of his mail here at my place, i am so angry this happened last year and i told him change your address you dont live here and i dont want your mail coming i had to call him and tell him his mail was here llast yar several times. so he hasnt changed his postal add and this mail came from his work in surance so now im thinking i dont want to call him breaking the no contact to tell him about the mail. i know hes with a new girl and just my luck she will be there with him or something horrible when i call. i just don think i want to call or even text him. he is so mixed up he will think i am trying to see him or something. so i dont know what to do should i just redirect it to his address or what should i do.i t always happends just when i am not thinking aobut him something like this comes up and there he is on my mind again and thinkin what is the right thing to do. i dont want to just send it to his house he will think i am angry and i am not i just dont care really. he probably didnt change the address as a way to keep tabs on me i dont really want him to know anything about me anymore, i dont really want him to know i still live here i am not scared of him but i just dont want him to know anything personal about me anymore i want him to feel blocked out of my life, and i dont want to feel humiliated by calling him when his girl freind might be there this happened once before with another girl and he was really rude to me he pretended to her i was somebody else on the phone it made me feel terrible just dont want that really. . any advice anyone. thanks.
Jules,
Write “not at this address” on all his mail and pop it back into the mailbox. It’s not your responsibility to get him his mail. He should have taken care of that himself. It’s also not a good idea to call. I no longer want to call mine — I mean, what would we discuss? I’ve tied up all loose ends. As long as you have “outstanding” issues with this man, you will feel compelled to contact him. But once you no longer have anything to do with his life, it’s a lot easier to move on.
Jules,
I think neverneverland is right. He probably didn’t notify them of the address change on purpose to keep communication going and to keep track of you. Calling him could be an emotional setback for you, as it has been in the past. Keep up the no contact. It will be the best thing for you.
JUles, I totally agree with Neverneverland and Ariadne, just put “return to sender, not at this address” and pop them back in the mail…
I think Ariadne is right too, he KNOWS he has not changed the address and it is a dig to make you contact him…I would’t fall for that one.
Hang in there and stay NC, it will get better! (((hugs))))
PS If you forward it to his present address he’ll know you still live there and he’ll know you are sending it= “lines of communication are open.” If you do what neverneverland suggested, it will eventually stop and you won’t have to think of him every time the mail comes. If it was really that important to him, he would have told them his new address.
You can also get a change of address card at the post office and fill it out and in the new address part write “address unknown” Ask them at the post office how to do it This happens a lot of times when people move out and don’t do a mail change, so they have a proceedure for it.
Hmmm, if he has a title on his car (if he has one) he has a certain amount of time to put in a change of address. I called or visited everywhere I knew he had accounts or paid fees and made sure they knew he was no longer at my address. I hope it caused him a bit of trouble, I know he would never have changed the title if I didn’t make him, and we had owned the car together.
A note there, if you own a vehicle together, make sure you get your name taken off his title. Actually call the DMV and tell them you are no longer responsible. You are supposed to do this for any sale, did you know that? I didn’t! But some time when he falls asleep at the wheel from taking drugs, I won’t be held responsible. Yea!