Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
LilOrphan,
Thank you so much for your comments. I laughed out loud at the “What – he opens it?” meaning his mouth!
I love your term “blip”. I had another little blip today where I let the memories get to me. It’s very helpful to think of them as blips rather than setbacks. I am moving forward, I just forget that sometimes when the pain hits me from nowhere and is so strong and powerful.
I was telling my mom yesterday that the person I knew is no longer there – it was all a facade. She said she was looking back at photos of how happy he seemed, and I told her yet again that it was all fake – nothing at all like the real person inside. It’s so surreal for people to believe this, including myself.
OxDrover,
Your comments are so inspiring on this blog. You have such wisdom to share. Thank you!
Romanticfool,
My P is also perceived as being the “nice guy”. They are master manipulators. I can only imagine what he has been telling his current victim – “my wife never supported me”, “I was so lonely”, “poor me”. I could not have possibly given this crazy man any more support – I pretty much did everything he said, for some ridiculous reason.
Then when he left, he said “I don’t have to listen to what you tell me to do anymore.” That really threw me, as I could not recall him ever “listening” to me. They live in their own fantasy worlds – all lies, denial, never owning up to anything they have done. Really, really sick people.
almost free, during one of his rants he said “you even made me talk differently to my family” I said “what, so you’d let me get a word in edgewise once in awhile?” I think what he really meant is that he had to lie to them to hide what he was doing to me. I know the last time I saw his family, his sister made some really odd comments I coudn’t figure out. He tried to prevent me from seeing them.
He told me he didn’t want to tell me he was unhappy in the marriage because it would hurt my feelings. I said “What? So you think this is better, leaving me without notice, disabled, with no income” And he actually started to say “Well I like to be a nice….” automatically.
Thank you Almost_free, glad that my 20:20 HINDSIGHT is inspiring. LOL
You know when I think about “typical Ps” I always come back to two especially–Scot Peterson, and OJ Simpson.
If you look at the photographs of Scott or OJ they seem to so much “have it all together.” But when you read about what they DID out of the camera’s eye, HOW PSYCHOPATHIC they are!
I read a book by Laci’s mother, and in her descriptions of Scott, she didn’t see ANY (apparently) RED FLAGS until after the murder, when he was not showing the “normal” signs that would be shown by a husband who was really concerned that his wife was “missing.” He just didn’t know how to REALLY fake it. His assessment of how a “normal” husband would act in such a situation wasn’t good at all, and I think too that the cops figured that out early on….they deal with Ps a lot and there are so many patterns that many times they can spot the pattern right away. It just took them a while to get the legal goods on him.
The arrogance of Peterson and OJ both—and of course OJ got “away” with his legally where Peterson didn’t. Peterson didn’t cover his tracks very well, not much better than my arrogant P son ever covered his when he first went into a “life of crime”—I think my P son is better at covering his tracks legally now, because this time there wasnt enough evidence to legally charge him with another crime, and since his co-conspirator didn’t rat him out he “got away” with it except that there was enough evidence to KNOW what was going on, even if not to prosecute it.
At least I will be able at his future parole hearings to speak to the parole board and hopefully get him another reset date instead of actually getting out. Though murderers (single instance) don’t usually re-offend as much as other criminals, I think there are enough other “risk factors” in his case, including no outside family support, length of sentence, and no resources, that he isn’t likely to be a low risk inmate, especially with his brothers and me speaking to the parole board, along, I am sure, with the mother of the girl he murdered.
Scot Peterson reminds me so much of my own P-son, bright and social and totally FAKE–narcissistic to the extreme as well as psychopathic and totally without conscience. If he didn’t want to be a father and husband, why not LEAVE HER, why murder her? Then when I think of my son C’s X-wife hating him so much that she didn’t just take the money and run, which she could have done completely legally, as my mother had turned over to her $50K without any legal strings on it, she could have signed out ALL the money, put it in her purse, packed and left and there would have been ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NOTHING, that any of us could have done, she would have been legally IN THE CLEAR—if she hadn’t bought guns for herself and her ex-convict BF and tried to kill my son and make it “look like self defense.”
She could have gone back to New York with a pocket full of money for a new life, her BF in tow, and told any tale to her relatives up there that she wanted to, and we could not have done a darned thing about any of it. The BF could have registered there as a sex offender and been exempt from any legal sanctions, he was off parole at that time.
To US it doesn’t make a bit of logical sense in the world. They took the HARD ROAD, the risky road, to their own detriment when it just seems so easy to take the EASY road, the NO RISK road.
Where does their APPARENT NEED FOR AGGRESSION, FOR VIOLENCE and “retribution” for imagined wrongs come from?
If we as “victims” are chemically locked into the fantasy that they present, what is the chemical that gives them the need for REVENGE? Is it the chemical that lights up the pleasure center? If in some, why not in all? Why are some so violent, and some just malicious? No answers, just questions.
how about this?? how many of your exs called you honey or sweetie or another nickname?? is it because they had so many women, they were afraid they might call one by anothers name???
newworld view-
Absoslutely! Every woman I have talked to said that he called them “sweetie” or “babe”; even the woman who was not emtionally involved, but gave him a “permanent” loan. The only time he called me by my name was when I was in his presence; otherwise I was “sweetie” all the time. With all the women and lies going at the same time, they can’t afford to take the chance and call you by the wrong name!
almost_free-
Everyday is fantasy land, isn’t it? Just no Ricardo Montebaln and no frou-frou drinks with the little umbrellas! Dang it! Shortchanged AGAIN! I noticed that the S talked in opposites. Once I had quiet time to analyze what happened (i.e. his voice was no longer whispering nonsense in my ear); I realized almost EVERYTHING he EVER said was the Opposite of the Truth. If it wasn’t the opposite, it was a contradiction to what he’d already claimed it was (or what I had SEEN with my own eyes). And if he accused me of it, he was really talking about himself. The xs had a grand canyon sized bullhorn with which to project his nonsense onto me.
Opposites, contradictions, and projection- it’s alot easier to tell the truth and get a job, don’t you think?
I used to say that the only truthful thing about him was his name…and he’s going by an alias now! So, so much for THAT!
OxD,
Scott Peterson has always creeped me out. I’ve often thought if he, or any of the other monsters for that matter, had just called her parents and said something like,”You have 1 hr to come get her. I’m not paying child support, I’m not paying alimony, I never want to hear of her existence again.” Her family would jumped at the chance. But they never offer that. Rotting in prison just isn’t enough. Another one who creeps me out is DREW Peterson. Did you notice that their daughter was named Lacy? It’s just too weird… I wonder if that was his idea. Ick. That guy is the poster child for sociopath. Double ick.
newworld view- put a notch next to my name. The xs always called me by something other than my given name. I DO believe it was because I was one of many. I just LOVE the notion that the money that frequently vanished from my checking account was for his dates. Love that. That thudding sound you hear is me banging my forehead on my desk.
Glinda,
I had to look up Drew Peterson, but yes, I remember something on the News About him now. During the time he hit the news, I was still living in hiding and didn’t have a TV hook up of my own, in that area where I was staying in my RV there was no broadcast TV that got through the mountains and I didn’t hook up cable. I did occasionally go to a friend’s house and would watch Cable sometimes.
Yea, he sounds just like Scott Peterson–lots of smoke but apparently no legal “fire” yet, but my bet is that the cops won’t give up on him until they nail his butt.
Well, actually, I have discussed (and I can’t remember where) that actually prison is a perfect retirement home for Ps as they get the risk taking, etc. that they seem to enjoy, etc. as well as get to manipulate others, staff and other cons.
Actually, I think my P son has flourished there. LOL As sick as that sounds he is adjusted there and I actually think he lives a life that is satisfying to him. He can plot and scheme, and “step out of the circle” and live in his fantasy world of the felon, that he is going to get out, have a girl friend that could pose for Play Boy, a fast flashy car, a Job that pays a million bucks a year and only requires that he show up one day a year, if he feels like it.
The truth is that the felon’s life is “fantasy” and doesn’t that fit in with the Ps concept of himself–a fantasy!?!
It doesn’t matter if he is 5 ft 1 and weighs 873 pounds and has no hair and no teeth, he thinks he is God’s gift to women. He is the smartest man in the world as well, even though he has an IQ lower than his shoe size…
Don’t bang your head Glinda, you might break the desk–if your head is half as hard as mine or your skull only half as thick you might damage a good piece of furniture. I think the hardness and thickness of my skull kept me from seeing reality for a LOOOOONG TIME! LOL
“The truth may be very painful, but it will set you FREE.”–unless you are a P—hey, that rhymes! I’m a poet and didn’t know it—but my feet show it, they are longfellows! LOL
Gotta laugh about something!
new world;ah yes the not calling you by your real name mine did this too all thetime i got baby girl, baby, gorgeous, honey,sexy,angel,anything but my name, and now i think your right its cause they dont want to get confused he probably called all the others by these names too. he did call me by my real name though if we were arguing and when he did his im leaving you speech. also maybe its cause to them we area object and not a real person with a real name. it is a comon theme among them to do this.
OxD, did the articles you found regarding Drew mention how he kept doing national news segments, begging for legal representation, money for legal representation, agreeing to go on a radio program, “Win a Date with Drew Peterson.”? Not until he had an atty so desperate for publicity that he took Drew’s case did Drew make ANY tiny plea for his “estranged” wife to come home. So, his 3rd wife death goes from accidental to homicide and his 4th wife (whom he knocked up when she was 17) is missing. Every interview with him it’s all about ME ME ME. Gack.
Did you see this article on CNN today?
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/04/escape.plot.ap/index.html
In one of the sociopathy books I read (probably Hare or Stout, but don’t quote me) I remember a section talking about prison guards being taken in by sociopaths. You would THINK that the system that deals with them would better prepare and train their people. They always seem surprised.
I’m only virtually banging my head…. now that I’ve thrown the s to the curb, the number of headaches I deal with is pretty low. Why self inflict them? And yes, I could damage the furniture too.
Hey Jules, I just had a thought… do you think they call us honey/sweetie/love to keep from using the wrong name… or they just don’t care enough to bother to remember which woman they are with?
Mine called me baby doll in the beginning, then just baby. After we were married it was hun. He called me hun even after everything and I was talking to him on the phone about a divorce agreement. When he did actually use my name it sounded strange because he rarely said it except to introduce me. Come to think of it when we would run into someone he knew and he would stop and talk to them, he rarely would introduce me. When I would say thanks for the introduction or something like that, he’d say “oh, sorry, I forgot”.