Donna Anderson’s important latest post reminds me that one topic which will never be worn out is that of the psychopath’s lies and their impact on others.
This week I want to very briefly introduce yet another take on this inexhaustible topic. Everyone lies, but there’s something else at stake in the case of the psychopath’s lies.
To illustrate: you might say about any regular (non-psychopathic) person, “Things would be better if s/he was to lie less often. Her/his soul or psyche would be healthier as would her relationships.” That’s true. Now try this on for size and notice how wrong it seems: “Things would be better if the psychopath was to lie less often. His soul or psyche would be healthier as would his relationships.”
Weirdly, this is patently not the case. The psychopath will be just as sick/evil no matter how many or how few lies he tells. It’s not a quantitative but a qualitative matter.
It is commonly said that a defining characteristic of psychopaths is that they are pathological liars. This is right if you mean that they are profoundly dishonest and not to be trusted. It does not mean, though, that psychopaths lie a lot. They do lie a lot and those lies cause havoc. But as I hope my illustration above shows, lying less will not make them better people.
So, how does this work? The thing about psychopaths is that even their truths are lies! Or rather, whether or not they happen to be telling the truth or a lie at any particular moment is not what makes them psychopathic. What makes them psychopathic is that they use and destroy people; truth or lies are for them just so many weapons for pursuing their prey.
M.L. Gallagher said a lot when she wrote this:
He is the lie….
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie….When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
Beastflow,
I am so glad that you got out of such a dangerous situation safely….you must have been petrified. Once again, goes to show that one just never knows, so we must always be very, very careful.
OxDrover,
Received “desperate” response emails today from Mr. S….intertwined with many lines of his eternal love, devotion, admiration for me….and along with comments about faults within “my reality” and “the rest of us”.
Un-freaken believable, really! I responded to him saying that I am fine with my reality and that he just better get used to his reality of me not wanting anything to do with him, ever again.
Then he wrote another email asking me if I love him….I responded with one word “Deleted”.
You know, as I am writing this, I realize that I fell into his “game” again …. reacting to his stupidities….like a little puppet. He’s probably smirking, on the other end, every time that he reads/gets my emails, huh?
I know that I shouldn’t answer, but he needs to get his stuff out of my house and is avoiding doing so. I have left a message to my bailiff to find out what I should be doing next. Also, I know that I am responding cause I just want to tell him to off….to get the last word in on who he is….though, I am sure this is all done in vain, right?
What do you suggest that I do? Should I ignore his remarks and his accusations to me and to our mutual friends? He probably won’t stop until he thinks that he has “won at the game”, will he?
I appreciate all your responses and thank you so much for your advice and information. This is helping me immensely….though, as you can tell from my email situation, it will take some time before I get it right with this MONSTER.
PS: I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I heard “you need help” or “get some help” or “you need to get a psychological assessment and medication” or “you are psychotic”…
Freebird,
I definitely KNOW the wanting to TELL HIM OFF part of all this. It only keeps you in the game. At the time everyone told me NO contact, NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA–and I didn’t want to hear it.
But, having said that, I AGREE WITH THEM, it must be physical NO NO NO NO Contact. NO matter how badly you want to respond. If you must respond due to a business thing (like his stuff) do it through a trusted 3rd party, lawyer, friend, etc.
Do not seek information on him, don’t give him ANY information on you—it will be turned against you. Believe me. I don’t need a crystal ball or a tarot pack of cards to “read” that “future”—it is a GIVEN.
As for his stuff…I’m not sure if you were married to him, living with him, etc. or how much stuff there is or the value of it….so ask an attorney what your responsibilities and rights are. Then notify the X by registered or certified letter that you intend to do X with the stuff. If he is to pick it up, DO NOT BE THERE YOURSELF…have a trusted friend, or even a police man there when he comes to get it.
If it is legal to do so, and he doesn’t pick up or make arrangements to get it, then sell, give away or destroy it.
The thread about the sheep is a very good one on the “bonding” chemicals in our brains. ANY contact of any kind at this early stage will reinforce the bonding between you and him.
I finally got to where actually seeing my XBF didn’t hit a nerve, and I am getting that way with the other Ps in my life…I am even on occasion having conversations with my P-by-proxy mother, without any problems, but I have been NC for months and gotten my head on straight about it. I keep it simply business ONLY and short.
I think that there are actually two kinds of NC–the first is a physical NC—to give yourself time enough to heal from the acute stress and pain, and then you can work on toward EMOTIONAL NC, where you really are emotionally DETACHED from them. The triggers are not as easy to trip, and you are more assured and self assured and logical, rational, etc.
How intense your pain, how malicious they have been, and a lot of things will determine if and when you reach Emotional NC I think. With my X-DIL P since I didn’t like her in the first place, about the only thing I had to deal with emotionally was the fact I hated her, NO LOVE LOST–so didn’t grieve over a relationship I didn’t have with her, just pi$$ed off that she had wrecked my son C’s life for 8 years and then tried to kill him! LOL
With my P-son, there was a lot of grief and pain when I finally got out of denial. There had been pain before I finally got out of denial, because it takes a tremendous amount of energy to keep the pain and reality at bay! I’m at a point with him now that I really don’t “worry” about his welfare at all, or wonder what he is thinking, or how he is…it’s like he isn’t there any more.
The final step for me was going NC with my P-by-proxy mother (toxic enabler) and that was the hardest part I think. I’m now where I can speak to her for business purposes once in a while for short, business ONLY conversations and when she tries to turn the conversation to anything personal, I end the conversation. I don’t try to “get through” to her, or anything else—it is pointless to try.
Like trying to teach a pig to sing, it frustrates you and pisses off the pig.
Yes, I have been told I “crazy” “mean” “insane” “psychopathic” myself, my P-son even told my mother that he was SURE I must have a brain tumor to be so “mean.” I was told I was “after” my mother’s money (funny, though, I was the ONLY one that wasn’t taking it and had turned it down when offered) and that I just had to have “control, that’s just how you are.”
Your X probably won’t “stop” anyway, win or lose. Your best bet I think, and I am willing to say that I think most bloggers here will back me up on this is to IGNORE him. #1 it is the WORST pain you can inflict on them, and #2 you end up looking like you are taking the “High road” in it all.
If someone tries to tell you what X said about you, stop them and say “I really don’t care what he is saying, How about those Cubbies?”
I would also suggest that you don’t say a word positive or negative about him to anyone except your MOST TRUSTED 1 or 2 intimate friends that you can ABSOLUTELY TRUST.
If anyone asks, just say “John and I aren’t seeing each other any more. What’ya think about those Cubbies?”
Hang in there, it will get better I promise you, but NC is the way to go to make it happen quicker! Good luck and God bless.
” I would also suggest that you don’t say a word positive or negative about him to anyone except your MOST TRUSTED 1 or 2 intimate friends that you can ABSOLUTELY TRUST. ”
I would agree with OxD on this one. Excellent advice, which I wish I had followed when I split up with my S. In my case, when I very first was dumped by my S, the way he did it was very sudden and harsh, and I was pissed off and very hurt. I blabbed about what a jerk he was to anyone who would listen for the first week or two, not just to friends but also to casual acquaintances. Now, especially since I’ve learned about sociopaths, I really wish I’d been more discrete. I am getting to the point where I am almost done with him, and I want to move on and forget about all this, but now I know that people will remember what I said. Also, I hope the things I said don’t get back to him, but of course now I have no control over it.
Also, OxD:
” Like trying to teach a pig to sing, it frustrates you and pisses off the pig.”
This is the best analogy I’ve heard in a very long time. 🙂
This is my first time on the this website and WOW! i just want to share. i’m scared. I hope I’m done with my S. Here it goes -i’m do in 2 weeks with our second child and less then a month ago I saw graphic pictures of him having sex with a 19 year old girl and he is 30 he did the same thing when i was pregnant with our first child but she was 18, he is a S because he is a registered sex offender for statatory rape he was 19 she was 15, something i didn’t find out until i was pregnant with our first which he admits he did to keep me, i can’t even explain how he got me to be with him after that but he did he is the extreme charmer, he has used the family card to the fullest expecting me to try for our kids because i never had a caring mother and father they were both drug abusers, i always thought he was a nice guy that was human and made mistakes but when i asked him how could he do that to me or this teenage girl he said it was never about you or her i could care less about her she is old enough to know why she is spreading her legs and she didn’t mean shit to me, that is always his story “she doesn’t mean anything to me, it was nothing” but I heard some messages 3 different girls left and how much they want him, love him and will do anything for him, i confronted him and he said they all know about me and that is what he thought made them think that they were special to him, i asked him what it is he said to them why would they be loving him and he said “probably because they think i genuinely care about them – but i don’t everything is about me and what i want, i will be as nice and caring as i have to be to get what i want,”and then he blamed me for him wanting to be with other girls because i wasn’t intimate enough with him he didn’t feel like i loved him because i wasn’t telling him that, he said he didn’t feel like i had ever cared about him really and then he yelled at me and i said don’t talk to me that way you only do that when your talking to another girl he becomes a real asshole to me and he informed me that that is his normal attitude and that he was biting his tongue with me and treating me better then anyone else because we have a baby, i have been so stunned and hurt since i found out i was pregnant and when he said he did it on purpose i haven’t shown him any love i won’t kiss him i can’t be intimate i mean we had sex but nothing like we used to and nothing meaningful because from the beginning i found out he was having sex with an 18 year old while i was pregnant with our daughter and begging me to be with him i never got over it and never trusted him there was always another girl he was talking to or having sex with, but he convinced me to stay in our messed up relationship for our daughter, i feel like such a fool cuz i did that’s when i realized he was a twisted bad man who pretended to want a family for a little while but it never lasted longer then 2 weeks before he would go and have to go out with his friends drinking and doing drugs and cheat on me, then come back and do everything he can to get me back give me hundreds of dollars for my bills, take me shopping, act like father of the year with our daughter and convince me how he could never live without me and her. and how we can be the family we never had if i could just let him go out with his friends and if i could trust him. i asked why is it he is trying so hard to tell me how bad he wants to be with me but leaving me at home alone and then being with these other girls and telling them he can’t get into a relationship with him because of me that they can only have sex what ever he does they fall in love with him – he is a bad man who pretends to be a nice guy (very convincingly – everyone thinks he is, and he’s sexy, they ask what is wrong with me)all so he can get what he wants – all he wants to do is have me and control me, because i don’t act like all of these other girls. Well i’ve had enough i’m just now at the end of my 2nd pregnancy in 2 years am realizing i’ve been abused by this man on every level that he could abuse me mentally and emotionally, i have told him to leave me alone and now i’m scared because he has threatened me that he is going to take our daughter from me. I’m not going to tell him when i go into labor and i’m not taking his or his families phone calls, i guess i’m on my own, kinda scary, i guess i just needed to vent and hope somebody out there can pray for me
Hi Chastity,
Oh man, sounds like you’ve had a very hard go the last while. I will definitely pray for you. May I suggest you contact a local women’s shelter? They can probably give you some advice on how to make sure you and your daughter are safe while you seperate from this guy.
Hi Chastity,
I too will have you and your children in my thoughts and prayers.
You have endured way too much and deserve so much more. This man is indeed very evil and degrading to you and all the other girls that he is “playing” with….they are just too young to realize it.
I agree with Greengirl that you should get immediate advice on you & your daughters safety from this man. Furthermore, you want to start being “ahead of the game” and allow such shelters to be aware of your situation and the abuse that he has and is inflicting on you and your daughter’s life.
Based on my experience and the threats that he has already made about “taking your daughter”, he is going to try to prove you inapt/unable to take care of your children…or insane…or needing psychological help, etc. You definitely want to go down on record and seek advice about this abuse….for your sake, your daughter’s sake and your new baby’s sake.
It is not going to be easy, but it will definitely be a lot easier than continuing to live the rest of your/your children’s lives with this type of abuse.
Please take care and God Bless.
Dear Chastity,
I am so sorry that you are in such pain and possible danger. I agree totally with what advice Freebird and others have given you.
CALL A SHELTER, or the police or someone. DO NOT tell your Psychopath what you intend to do, DO NOT threaten him. All you do is warn him what you intend to do and he will use that against you. He treats you as an object in a game, or like a piece in a chess game. You wouldn’t warn someone what move you intended to make in Chess, so don’t warn him your moves either. Be very secretive about all this, but don’t let him see that you are keeping secrets. Try to act as “normal” as possible, act the way you usually do–don’t be “too nice” either…they are savvy critters these Ps
This is all a big power control trip for him because he does not CARE for your children, but he knows YOU DO so he is using them to control YOU.
You and your dear children deserve so much more than a life of pain and brutality. You are also in my prayers and I firmly believe that God listens and helps and strengthens us to help themselves. Be good to yourself and put you and your children FIRST in your mind always. God Bless
Chastity,
You have already told yourself the answer. You recognize that he does not love you but just wants you under his control.
Some shelters have wating lists so get on the lists. Even if he hasn’t hit you, you are being abused and manipulated. This is a very unhealthy relationship. I think women’s shelter’s have case managers to help you get on your feet.
I wish you strength and safety and of course, you will be in my prayers.
While many shelters have waiting lists, there are people there who can also direct you to OTHER RESOURCES that would be helpful and help guide you to seeking legal, medical, police assistance as well.
Sometimes the very thought that you might be trying to regain control of yourself can percipitate violent outbursts in them when they have not previously been violent, so BE CAREFUL AND BE SAFE above all else. Your safety and your children’s is the most important thing.
This is the first time I have been on this site, I must say that I am truly sorry for the hurt and loss each of us has had to go thru.
The sociopath in my life was taken from me while I was still very much in love with him. He has been gone from me a year this month. When I met him I had no idea there were even people like this who really existed. We were together almost two years. As you all know he was perfect. He made me feel like the luckiest person in the world to be in his presence. Suddenly things changed, he made me feel old,ugly,stupid,powerless, and lucky that he tolerated my many flaws. He comes from a family of sociopaths. His whole family is like him. He is the 2nd to the last of a family of 8 siblings. They are all monsters!
In my healing I have been doing accupuncture to help with the PTSD. I have been seeing a therapist for a little over a year. I have been humiliated,robbed,beaten,raped and degraded by this man. After he went to jail the last time I spent the next 9 months after that having to see him in court.
The last time I saw him was in a court room which would have been our 2 year anniversary, 4 months ago. The guilt (I have been working thru in therapy) was so huge. I felt like I betrayed him! I never once called the police on him, never once tried to get him into trouble, he tried to have me arrested constantly after he would beat me. Thank goodness the police could see through him. That was the amazing amount of arrogance he had. He would beat me then call the police try to have me arrested!!
It was probally about the time he was sentenced that I finally began to realize what he actually is. The District Attorney, Victim’s Advocate, my therapist and everybody involved with the legal system tried to tell me but I did not understand what they were saying. He has an “addiction” problem with several drugs that he hid for a very long time. I really beleived it was the drugs! Like Chastity’s sociopath mine is now a registered sex offender as well. I had to drag my children thru Shelter’s and we ended up with nothing. Before he went to jail we lived together for almost 2 years. When we were going thru the court process I met his wife, 2 babies mama’s and the current girl that was pregnant by him and recently had an abortion. I had no idea!!! He admitted he had been seeing her for 6 months! I wanted to vomit… Chasity call a women’s crisis center. Start therapy. If you do not think your worth it do it for your children. Even if he is not hitting you- he is abusing you! The longer your there the harder it will be to get over. We were together almost 2 years, I am not any where near being healed. I am slowly getting better with ALOT of therapy! Do it for your kids!!! Don’t let them grow up with CRAZY too. My nightmare will be released in 14 years. I can sleep knowing that for now some of us are safe from him. I stay awake wondering every night when will be the night he comes to kill me. Please do not put yourself or your children thru anymore
Best Wishes to each and everyone of us